Lords Of The Sky
Flash Fiction, Complete Story in 770 Words46 total reviews
Comment from june prescott
Great flash-fiction story that reads very well and has a definite, beginning, middle, and end. The conflict is well defined through use of believable dialog. The phrase "in country for survival skills" was a hiccup for me. I think you don't need the word "skills." And "they were some of the...." aren't there only two of them? Perhaps re-word or combine those two lines, so you don't use "they were" 3x and leave out the "after all?" Just suggestions. But thought this was a great mini story and loved the vivid details of food and drink options in the wild. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. JP
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Great flash-fiction story that reads very well and has a definite, beginning, middle, and end. The conflict is well defined through use of believable dialog. The phrase "in country for survival skills" was a hiccup for me. I think you don't need the word "skills." And "they were some of the...." aren't there only two of them? Perhaps re-word or combine those two lines, so you don't use "they were" 3x and leave out the "after all?" Just suggestions. But thought this was a great mini story and loved the vivid details of food and drink options in the wild. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. JP
Comment Written 07-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading June. I'll circle back and look at all the points you mentioned.
Comment from adewpearl
It ain't Kansas, Dude - add comma for direct address
I got to tell you, Billy - add comma
How could I remember, asshole - add comma
took his mother's machete - add apostrophe
a large out cropping of rocks - outcropping
indicated one than the other - one then
I love people's attitude - even after being saved by these people with their superior knowledge of the terrain and nature, he calls them primitives. LOL It's all relative - in NYC they would be primitive, but in the jungle, we are the primitives :-) A fun way to make a point. Brooke
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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It ain't Kansas, Dude - add comma for direct address
I got to tell you, Billy - add comma
How could I remember, asshole - add comma
took his mother's machete - add apostrophe
a large out cropping of rocks - outcropping
indicated one than the other - one then
I love people's attitude - even after being saved by these people with their superior knowledge of the terrain and nature, he calls them primitives. LOL It's all relative - in NYC they would be primitive, but in the jungle, we are the primitives :-) A fun way to make a point. Brooke
Comment Written 07-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading Brooke and I do appreciate the pointers. Are you an English teacher? I went over this thing about 10 times and thought I had it edited .... not quite!
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I taught writing for many years in middle and high school
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I feel better now. Please continue whacking my hand with your ruler! LOL Bill
Comment from samandlancelot
Enjoyable story to read. Sometimes we can think we're so sophisticated with our fancy equipment, but you take that all away and find out who has the best survival skills.
Marma took his mothers (mother's) machete, (remove comma) and peeled back
Patricia
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Enjoyable story to read. Sometimes we can think we're so sophisticated with our fancy equipment, but you take that all away and find out who has the best survival skills.
Marma took his mothers (mother's) machete, (remove comma) and peeled back
Patricia
Comment Written 07-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading Patricia and for the corrections. I wrote this story from a remote site, and wasn't able to print to hard copy. I still do my best editing from paper, so very much appreciate your help!
Comment from InterestingRon
I had a smile on my face while I was reading this. It brought back such happy memories. I was in the Rhodesian army and we had bush-craft lessons - which most of us slept through. I also remember having to eat caterpillars, not because I was hungry, but to have refused would have insulted an African chief. Your piece is so well written I could imagine myself being there with those lads. Well done!
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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I had a smile on my face while I was reading this. It brought back such happy memories. I was in the Rhodesian army and we had bush-craft lessons - which most of us slept through. I also remember having to eat caterpillars, not because I was hungry, but to have refused would have insulted an African chief. Your piece is so well written I could imagine myself being there with those lads. Well done!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Thanks Ron - you have a perspective that probably no one else on the site will have. Thanks for reading! Regards, Bill
Comment from 1ClosetWriter
Your story is interesting, fast paced and keeps the reader engaged. The images created in the jungle are vivid. I liked the story. I don't know if you could have, but including more of the thoughts or emotions of the men when the locals arrived might have added another dimension. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Your story is interesting, fast paced and keeps the reader engaged. The images created in the jungle are vivid. I liked the story. I don't know if you could have, but including more of the thoughts or emotions of the men when the locals arrived might have added another dimension. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading. The real challenge in flash fiction is word count. I could only use up to 800, and I was knocking on the door. I did the outline of this story several months ago, and did have more depth. After the contest, I might just circle back and re-write. Thanks, Bill
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Ah, yes -- contest requirements. I understand how that works! It is a good story.
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Ah, yes -- contest requirements. I understand how that works! It is a good story.
Comment from Jetco
Excellent read. I would suggest you make one minor correction and to me this would be a perfect piece of a flash fiction.
{They) all three were wearing a breechclout,...
Remove the word THEY it's not necessary to the sentence.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you accept this in the kind manner it was given.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Excellent read. I would suggest you make one minor correction and to me this would be a perfect piece of a flash fiction.
{They) all three were wearing a breechclout,...
Remove the word THEY it's not necessary to the sentence.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you accept this in the kind manner it was given.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading and I will respond to your suggestion. Regards, Bill
