Pathway to Forever
When Life Throws a Curve.....38 total reviews
Comment from minopavlic
Another rollercoaster springing to life with this awesome piece Patty. I like how you gave the history of the town and the characters. I am looking forward to the continuation.
Mino
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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Another rollercoaster springing to life with this awesome piece Patty. I like how you gave the history of the town and the characters. I am looking forward to the continuation.
Mino
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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Mino,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from RobinWrites
I love the description of the town of Whipton - it's almost magical how it came about. The introduction of the various town folk during the story sets the scene nicely. The abruptness of James is more violent than the storm he's driving in. Great imagery. This leaves me wanting to know what brought him to the cemetery and why did he need to burn a bible.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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I love the description of the town of Whipton - it's almost magical how it came about. The introduction of the various town folk during the story sets the scene nicely. The abruptness of James is more violent than the storm he's driving in. Great imagery. This leaves me wanting to know what brought him to the cemetery and why did he need to burn a bible.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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Robin,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Carol ....
This certainly promises to be a gripping story, if this is the first page of your novel.
You have brought in several different aspects of the young man's character and leave your readers wondering what it is that has prompted him to scale the cemetery wall in order to set fire to his Bible on a particular grave.
I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will
consider the few changes recommended ....
* In the 1800s, I don't believe there was such a thing as a "Bed and Breakfast" establishment. That is a relatively recent aspect of providing accommodation for visitors.
I suggest that it should be - a boarding house. Until just a few decades ago, there were just Hotels and Boarding Houses.
* You have - On a summer day if you drive (present tense)
you would see ... I suggest - you will see ....
* You have - The people tending to their flourishing small town ... I suggest - The people tending their flourishing small town ... OR .. attending to ...
* You have - It's one of those nights when no one wants to be out on the streets. No one except James Cascio.
I suggest - when no-one wants to be out on the streets - no-one except James Cascio!
* You have - but James is oblivious to it. This should be - but James is oblivious of it.
* You have - oblivious to the pelting rain ... this should be - oblivious of the pelting rain ....
However, to avoid repetition (oblivious) - I suggest ...
seemed to be totally unaware of the pelting rain ....
As this is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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Hullo Carol ....
This certainly promises to be a gripping story, if this is the first page of your novel.
You have brought in several different aspects of the young man's character and leave your readers wondering what it is that has prompted him to scale the cemetery wall in order to set fire to his Bible on a particular grave.
I have given you 5 stars, trusting that you will
consider the few changes recommended ....
* In the 1800s, I don't believe there was such a thing as a "Bed and Breakfast" establishment. That is a relatively recent aspect of providing accommodation for visitors.
I suggest that it should be - a boarding house. Until just a few decades ago, there were just Hotels and Boarding Houses.
* You have - On a summer day if you drive (present tense)
you would see ... I suggest - you will see ....
* You have - The people tending to their flourishing small town ... I suggest - The people tending their flourishing small town ... OR .. attending to ...
* You have - It's one of those nights when no one wants to be out on the streets. No one except James Cascio.
I suggest - when no-one wants to be out on the streets - no-one except James Cascio!
* You have - but James is oblivious to it. This should be - but James is oblivious of it.
* You have - oblivious to the pelting rain ... this should be - oblivious of the pelting rain ....
However, to avoid repetition (oblivious) - I suggest ...
seemed to be totally unaware of the pelting rain ....
As this is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
-
Nanette,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from Sasha
What an excellent first chapter and entry for this contest. You captured my interest immediately and kept me riveted to my chair from beginning to end. This is definitely a story I would want to follow. Well written with strong imagery, marvelous unanswered questions, and plenty of tension. this is a great entry. I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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What an excellent first chapter and entry for this contest. You captured my interest immediately and kept me riveted to my chair from beginning to end. This is definitely a story I would want to follow. Well written with strong imagery, marvelous unanswered questions, and plenty of tension. this is a great entry. I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
-
Sasha,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from missy98writer
Carol,
your start of a story is very dramatic. Another wonderfully written story from you talented pen. Awesome characterization of a man lost who's done something that's a sin. Did he murder, rape, what did he do? I love the way you leave the crime up to the imagination. Excellent narrative and very detailed writing. Here are some paragraphs that stood out for me:
A baby cries ... his proud, happy parents smile blissfully at their newborn child. At that moment, everyone believes life is beautiful, but like the long stemmed rose, in time, the thorns prick their spirit and blood flows from the wound. The road we travel through life is filled with unexpected pitfalls; twists and turns clouding, and sometimes changing, our lives forever. Tonight, in a small rural town, a young man discovers the dark side of forever and always.
James is a young guy in his early twenties, medium length brown hair, average build and a nice smile. He works with his mom at their family-owned cafe, but he dreams of bigger and better things. After putting long hours in at the cafe, serving coffee and fried chicken dinners to the locals, he still finds time to hang out with his friends or carry groceries for old Mrs. Taylor. When asked by any of the town locals, their first description of him would definitely include quiet, shy and a stay-at-home type of guy. He has a heart of gold and a romantic streak a mile wide. He is definitely a mixed bag of characteristics. You might find him and his friends gathered around the television, screaming unspeakable words of encouragement as their favorite wrestlers land crushing blows to their opponents. On the other hand, you could just as easily find him writing touching poems about life and love or spine tingling horror screenplays that send chills through the bravest critics. Tonight, a storm is raging within James, driving him in search of answers.
A bolt of lightening crackles through the air, making the shadowy lettering easier to read. Finding the one he has been searching for, he drops to his knees at the gravesite. Unaware of the tears streaming down his face, he removes the book from inside his jacket and violently throws it on the ground. Another bolt of lightening flashes through the sky, exposing the book's title as if blazoned in fire. His coveted trophy is the Holy Bible.
Shaking violently, gasping for air, his heart-wrenching sobs fill the air. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he finds a book of matches and strikes one, setting the biblical pages on fire. The flickering flames sputter as if outraged that James had done the unspeakable.
Dropping to the ground, he loses all control. His breath comes in raspy gulps. He wipes his face against the sleeve of his jacket, but the agony he feels is too powerful to be brushed away so easily. Unstoppable tears stream down his mud streaked face as if floodgates have suddenly opened. Looking toward the sky, oblivious to the pelting rain, his torturous voice cries out. "Why...why are you doing this to me?"
You definately need to make one of your crime stories out of this. I'd read it. I loved you thrilling set up to a book. I bet it would be a true page turner. Your story is a stellar entry in the writing prompt. Good luck in the voting booth. I plan to read them all but I have a feeling I'm voting for your story 'Pathway to Forever.'
Melissa.
PS: Do you know what happened to Lola. She hasn't posted or written any reviews since July 17, 2010. I'm concerned. . .Melissa.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Carol,
your start of a story is very dramatic. Another wonderfully written story from you talented pen. Awesome characterization of a man lost who's done something that's a sin. Did he murder, rape, what did he do? I love the way you leave the crime up to the imagination. Excellent narrative and very detailed writing. Here are some paragraphs that stood out for me:
A baby cries ... his proud, happy parents smile blissfully at their newborn child. At that moment, everyone believes life is beautiful, but like the long stemmed rose, in time, the thorns prick their spirit and blood flows from the wound. The road we travel through life is filled with unexpected pitfalls; twists and turns clouding, and sometimes changing, our lives forever. Tonight, in a small rural town, a young man discovers the dark side of forever and always.
James is a young guy in his early twenties, medium length brown hair, average build and a nice smile. He works with his mom at their family-owned cafe, but he dreams of bigger and better things. After putting long hours in at the cafe, serving coffee and fried chicken dinners to the locals, he still finds time to hang out with his friends or carry groceries for old Mrs. Taylor. When asked by any of the town locals, their first description of him would definitely include quiet, shy and a stay-at-home type of guy. He has a heart of gold and a romantic streak a mile wide. He is definitely a mixed bag of characteristics. You might find him and his friends gathered around the television, screaming unspeakable words of encouragement as their favorite wrestlers land crushing blows to their opponents. On the other hand, you could just as easily find him writing touching poems about life and love or spine tingling horror screenplays that send chills through the bravest critics. Tonight, a storm is raging within James, driving him in search of answers.
A bolt of lightening crackles through the air, making the shadowy lettering easier to read. Finding the one he has been searching for, he drops to his knees at the gravesite. Unaware of the tears streaming down his face, he removes the book from inside his jacket and violently throws it on the ground. Another bolt of lightening flashes through the sky, exposing the book's title as if blazoned in fire. His coveted trophy is the Holy Bible.
Shaking violently, gasping for air, his heart-wrenching sobs fill the air. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he finds a book of matches and strikes one, setting the biblical pages on fire. The flickering flames sputter as if outraged that James had done the unspeakable.
Dropping to the ground, he loses all control. His breath comes in raspy gulps. He wipes his face against the sleeve of his jacket, but the agony he feels is too powerful to be brushed away so easily. Unstoppable tears stream down his mud streaked face as if floodgates have suddenly opened. Looking toward the sky, oblivious to the pelting rain, his torturous voice cries out. "Why...why are you doing this to me?"
You definately need to make one of your crime stories out of this. I'd read it. I loved you thrilling set up to a book. I bet it would be a true page turner. Your story is a stellar entry in the writing prompt. Good luck in the voting booth. I plan to read them all but I have a feeling I'm voting for your story 'Pathway to Forever.'
Melissa.
PS: Do you know what happened to Lola. She hasn't posted or written any reviews since July 17, 2010. I'm concerned. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Melissa,
I haven't talked to her in a long time...partly because I haven't been able to be on the site. I noticed that she too has not been here..maybe vacation or something. I hope she's okay though. I do have her personal email so maybe I will drop a line and just say hello...Thanks for the wonderful review as always....Smiles, Carol
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Carol,
I can tell you for sure after reading this I would buy your book in a heart beat. I know this is a contest but are you thinking of writing a book about James? I think you should besides I need to know what has gone wrong for him. Well done and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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Hi Carol,
I can tell you for sure after reading this I would buy your book in a heart beat. I know this is a contest but are you thinking of writing a book about James? I think you should besides I need to know what has gone wrong for him. Well done and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
-
Chey,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Carol,
You have done it again.
a must entry( to read) your first page of a novel.
From start to a very dramatic closure.
Good luck.
Gert
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
|
Hi Carol,
You have done it again.
a must entry( to read) your first page of a novel.
From start to a very dramatic closure.
Good luck.
Gert
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
-
Gert..Awesome!
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from words
You definitely have intrigued me.
Something has gone very wrong in this small town.
From the set up and the violent and extreme behavior of our main character, I would say that this is going to be a Steven King type write.
Am looking forward to the coming chapters. Hope you write them.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
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You definitely have intrigued me.
Something has gone very wrong in this small town.
From the set up and the violent and extreme behavior of our main character, I would say that this is going to be a Steven King type write.
Am looking forward to the coming chapters. Hope you write them.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
-
Words,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from L.lora
Wow Carol this just leaps
off the pages. I sat reading
transfixed...soaking up every
word, every nuiance and reminding
myself to breath in between the
well chosen words. I hope you are
going to continue the story, looking
forward to more. no nits or spags.
Good luck with your contest. Lora
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
|
Wow Carol this just leaps
off the pages. I sat reading
transfixed...soaking up every
word, every nuiance and reminding
myself to breath in between the
well chosen words. I hope you are
going to continue the story, looking
forward to more. no nits or spags.
Good luck with your contest. Lora
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
-
Lora,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
Comment from RKagan
This is a fantastic begining. I want to know what happened. I want to hear the story of what went wrong. YOu did a great job with this. I see that it's a contest. I think you should win
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
|
This is a fantastic begining. I want to know what happened. I want to hear the story of what went wrong. YOu did a great job with this. I see that it's a contest. I think you should win
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010
-
Rkagan,
future...Much of the rough draft is written but finding the time to make changes isn't possible right now. Thanks...Carol
