Little Camille(A novel)
Viewing comments for Prologue "Little Camille,( The Book )"a life lived in the Ozarks
30 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I might well have said this before, Susan - but
you're a real natural when it comes to story-telling..
drawing the reader in right away and holding their
interest throughout - most enjoyable...
cried[,] with strong - not needed
What happened(,) Mama - add
Okay(,) Mama
and his brother(,) John Robert(,) took the
his big red mule as was his custom- I notice a couple of lines down you've used "Red" as the mule's name... thus this line needs to be...
his big mule, Red, as was his custom
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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I might well have said this before, Susan - but
you're a real natural when it comes to story-telling..
drawing the reader in right away and holding their
interest throughout - most enjoyable...
cried[,] with strong - not needed
What happened(,) Mama - add
Okay(,) Mama
and his brother(,) John Robert(,) took the
his big red mule as was his custom- I notice a couple of lines down you've used "Red" as the mule's name... thus this line needs to be...
his big mule, Red, as was his custom
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Margaret! I fixed the "red" mix-up, and will go back and do the commas next! How I appreciate this wonderful help and kind rating too! I hope you and Colin are doing better? My nerves are shot, with worry, but trying to keep busy with writing and lots of housework. Please take care, and thank you so much Margaret!! Love, Susan
Comment from MizKat
Realist - Your chapter is very good. I enjoyed it and hope if you make it into the book that I'll be able to read more of it. Best wishes in the contest. Kat
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Realist - Your chapter is very good. I enjoyed it and hope if you make it into the book that I'll be able to read more of it. Best wishes in the contest. Kat
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Kat!! I am going to try to make a book? I want to, we'll see. I appreciate you taking time to read this, and to let me know you liked it too! It's good to hear from you!!! Susan
Comment from adewpearl
Susan, what a great opening as you contrast the death of the kitten with the birth of the new baby inside the cabin - that establishes mood and setting so well.
The childs' nickname - child's
What happened, Mama - add comma for direct address
Come on, you kids - add comma
What a dramatic ending to this first installment of your story - of course I want to see what happens now that this mother with so many little children now that she has no husband. Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Susan, what a great opening as you contrast the death of the kitten with the birth of the new baby inside the cabin - that establishes mood and setting so well.
The childs' nickname - child's
What happened, Mama - add comma for direct address
Come on, you kids - add comma
What a dramatic ending to this first installment of your story - of course I want to see what happens now that this mother with so many little children now that she has no husband. Brooke
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Brooke! Wow. I am thrilled that you like this! I do want to make it into a book, I guess lots of us have that dream! But I have to research and study and LEARN , or RE-learn my grammer and apostaphes, etc...I get so angry at myself. So, this great review is helpful, and so encouraging. I really appreciate this Brooke! Hope it all works out. ") Smiles and hugs, Susan
Comment from Judian James
I thought this was excellent Sue and you held my heart throughout. The ending was sad but well done and I would anxiously turn the page to see where the book would take me. One little suggestion. I would dispense with the first paragraph completely and start the book with "Inside the cabin on Helton Mountain a baby girl was born ..." Just a thought ... excellent Sue
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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I thought this was excellent Sue and you held my heart throughout. The ending was sad but well done and I would anxiously turn the page to see where the book would take me. One little suggestion. I would dispense with the first paragraph completely and start the book with "Inside the cabin on Helton Mountain a baby girl was born ..." Just a thought ... excellent Sue
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Judian...what a wonderful review. I will think on this idea! Because I really would like to continue and try???? to make it a real book? I appreciate this thought and your time for me too! This means a lot to me, hearing that you like this! Hugs to you...Susan
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I think mentioning a dead kitten more than once is distracting and takes the power away from what you're trying to accomplish.
Also, the first paragraph is just too sad to be the starting lines of a book. imho
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well, this does make sense, and I would like people to like it? I have been up all nite, and too beat to think straight right now, but I will probably re-do...you're the best, I appreciate!! xxxx, Susan
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my pleasure Sue
Comment from Begin Again
Susan,
This first chapter suits you perfectly..the love for a life whether it be man or beast, the struggle to exist in an imperfect place, and the warmth drawn from within when life's pressures weigh upon you....absolutely great.
Your first chapter might not carry the wham bam punch of some, but it most definitely draws the reader to a new understanding of life. It's a family thing...maybe like Little House on the Prairie or the Waltons.
I think you have a great start here..Goodluck!
Smiles to you, Carol
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Susan,
This first chapter suits you perfectly..the love for a life whether it be man or beast, the struggle to exist in an imperfect place, and the warmth drawn from within when life's pressures weigh upon you....absolutely great.
Your first chapter might not carry the wham bam punch of some, but it most definitely draws the reader to a new understanding of life. It's a family thing...maybe like Little House on the Prairie or the Waltons.
I think you have a great start here..Goodluck!
Smiles to you, Carol
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Carol!! Thank you SO much! I am probably not ready for this, but I feel I am running short on time to do it, my health sucks, and so, I have to try. I sure hope you are doing better Carol, I am so glad to see your work again too. I am thrilled to have such a rating from you my friend. Love, Susan
Comment from marcellawachtel
This is very nice, what there is of it. I feel that for it to be a good opening chapter, in needs a little spice- a little bit of controversy, some hint of a problem or challenge in the future. This is too "sweetness and light" and doesn't make the reader say: "Wow, can't wait to see what happens!"
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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This is very nice, what there is of it. I feel that for it to be a good opening chapter, in needs a little spice- a little bit of controversy, some hint of a problem or challenge in the future. This is too "sweetness and light" and doesn't make the reader say: "Wow, can't wait to see what happens!"
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Marcella! You are so right. I stopped too soon, I was thinking one page, and I see others went longer, or I don't know how many words are on a page? ") THANK YOU! I should do more asap. And a special thanks for the rating anyway! You are very helpful and encouraging! Susan
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
this is a well written beginning of a novel, my friend.
It was my pleasure to read you today.
Good luck in the contest. I'm sure you'll do well.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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this is a well written beginning of a novel, my friend.
It was my pleasure to read you today.
Good luck in the contest. I'm sure you'll do well.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi there! Thank you so much! I appreciate this kind and welcome review. I will do my best to make this an enjoyable book, this is my goal anyway. Thank you again!! SO good to hear from you! Susan
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Susan:)
I like your opening paragraphs. life and death. Natural events that set the stage for a family saga, or so I surmise from the way you move forward with little Lilly Brushy's first year as you introduce her mother and show the size of the contented family.
I don't know why, but this opening page reminds me of "The Walton's," a story I watched on TV with fascination.
Good luck with your contest entry.
Roger
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2010
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Hi Susan:)
I like your opening paragraphs. life and death. Natural events that set the stage for a family saga, or so I surmise from the way you move forward with little Lilly Brushy's first year as you introduce her mother and show the size of the contented family.
I don't know why, but this opening page reminds me of "The Walton's," a story I watched on TV with fascination.
Good luck with your contest entry.
Roger
Comment Written 01-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2010
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Hi Roger! Thank you. So much. Is there anything I could do, to make this a six in your eyes? I really do want to turn this into a book. But will need much input? And I value your opinion greatly. Thank you again!! Susan
Comment from --Turtle.
Hello author of this piece,
I read through this first page of a novel entry,
The tiny kitten struggled to *reach it[']s mother's teats, her fragile claws **reaching desperately to [gain purchase past] her much larger and stronger siblings.
(it's = it is, its = possessive pronoun.) The word I have stared is a word that is used twice in the same sentence which can sometime interupt the flow, I recommend using groping instead of reaching, but maybe there is another better word)
After a time though, she gave up, too weak to survive[ and] (T)the tiny calico died under the warm body of her mother, who purred contentedly, unaware of the dead baby beneath her.
I thought the description of the kitten intro with the mother and the baby dying was interesting, it called my attention, though in this first page, it was hard for me to link the purpose/ relation of the death to the beginning of the new life.
[And] as one life left the world, another came to be. Inside(In the same) [the] cabin on Helton Mountain, a baby
And thus, the new daughter, Lilly, was a contented infant,
(why thus?)
with blonde curls that grew quickly(,) and by her first birthday, she had a virtual halo of golden hair. [And] her nickname then, in the summer of 1921, was Sweet Pea.
Things in [] are my suggestions to delete
Things in () are my suggestions to add, or they are questions or comments.
I really liked the intro, though worried the last few paragraphs were telling, but not really anchoring the story. For the first page, I recommend considering tying the strong start with the weak kitten, back to the story of an angel-like daughter, maybe relating back to Mrs. Brushy being a mother, humming or purring contently, would give an essence of possible conflict?
--Turtle.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2010
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Hello author of this piece,
I read through this first page of a novel entry,
The tiny kitten struggled to *reach it[']s mother's teats, her fragile claws **reaching desperately to [gain purchase past] her much larger and stronger siblings.
(it's = it is, its = possessive pronoun.) The word I have stared is a word that is used twice in the same sentence which can sometime interupt the flow, I recommend using groping instead of reaching, but maybe there is another better word)
After a time though, she gave up, too weak to survive[ and] (T)the tiny calico died under the warm body of her mother, who purred contentedly, unaware of the dead baby beneath her.
I thought the description of the kitten intro with the mother and the baby dying was interesting, it called my attention, though in this first page, it was hard for me to link the purpose/ relation of the death to the beginning of the new life.
[And] as one life left the world, another came to be. Inside(In the same) [the] cabin on Helton Mountain, a baby
And thus, the new daughter, Lilly, was a contented infant,
(why thus?)
with blonde curls that grew quickly(,) and by her first birthday, she had a virtual halo of golden hair. [And] her nickname then, in the summer of 1921, was Sweet Pea.
Things in [] are my suggestions to delete
Things in () are my suggestions to add, or they are questions or comments.
I really liked the intro, though worried the last few paragraphs were telling, but not really anchoring the story. For the first page, I recommend considering tying the strong start with the weak kitten, back to the story of an angel-like daughter, maybe relating back to Mrs. Brushy being a mother, humming or purring contently, would give an essence of possible conflict?
--Turtle.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2010
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Hi there! THis is special to me, and I will make these corrections. I am wondering what I can do to improve your opinion of this? If anything, I would really appreciate knowing? Thank you very much!! :) Susan
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I forgot to mention, the gain purchase past part, I felt it might be wordy, where get past might be more direct. I had highlighted the part, but forgot to go back and explain..
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Hi again, I am trying to work these out, again, thank you so much for this help! I do appreciate it!! Susan
Comment from Janis Morris
I really enjoyed how you paralelled the birth and death of the kitten with another birth. I think that makes a great opening for a novel. I do have just a minor suggestion for you.
"She lay exhausted and her little daughter cried, with strong(,) and very healthy lungs."
(The comma there is not needed.)
That's all I found, so I hope that very tiny bit was helpful. This sounds like it could turn into an interesting story. I hope that you might try to do so.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2010
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I really enjoyed how you paralelled the birth and death of the kitten with another birth. I think that makes a great opening for a novel. I do have just a minor suggestion for you.
"She lay exhausted and her little daughter cried, with strong(,) and very healthy lungs."
(The comma there is not needed.)
That's all I found, so I hope that very tiny bit was helpful. This sounds like it could turn into an interesting story. I hope that you might try to do so.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2010
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Hi Janis, thank you very much! I am glad you took a minute to read and review this for me! It is a special project, and I do hope to continue this. The original story was in my portfolio, and I tried to repost, and I had to disable, now it is gone. It won a contest too. So, I hope you will get to read it someday. Thank you again Janis!! I appreciate you! Susan
