Little Camille(A novel)
Viewing comments for Prologue "Little Camille,( The Book )"a life lived in the Ozarks
30 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
Fabulous beginning, Susan! I hope you continue with this story. I'd like to encourage you to do so.
I was totally absorbed. The characters and dialogue felt authentic and I was drawn to their plight. I want to know more - how will the Brushys survive without Dad. How will Mother support her children? I want to know! LOL
their smiles of anticipation shattered <--Great wording. Love this.
played all day, laying the area bare and void of any grass that may have chanced to try and grow there <--Vivid and imaginative imagery here.
I have a few suggestions:
Life was hard, energy was spent on work and survival, so Lillian Brushy's first day eased by, quietly and with an uneventful entry into the world. <--This runs-on a bit, disrupting the flow. Perhaps you could tweak it slightly. example: Life was hard. Energy was spent on work and survival, so Lillian Brushy's first day eased by quietly, with an uneventful entry into the world.
"What happened(,) Mama?"
"Okay(,) Mama."
Nice hook at the end. It made this reader want to read more. A satisfying read.
Well done, my friend.
(Intriquing title. Is Camille eventually going to play a big part in this story? hmm... lol)
Nic
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2010
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Fabulous beginning, Susan! I hope you continue with this story. I'd like to encourage you to do so.
I was totally absorbed. The characters and dialogue felt authentic and I was drawn to their plight. I want to know more - how will the Brushys survive without Dad. How will Mother support her children? I want to know! LOL
their smiles of anticipation shattered <--Great wording. Love this.
played all day, laying the area bare and void of any grass that may have chanced to try and grow there <--Vivid and imaginative imagery here.
I have a few suggestions:
Life was hard, energy was spent on work and survival, so Lillian Brushy's first day eased by, quietly and with an uneventful entry into the world. <--This runs-on a bit, disrupting the flow. Perhaps you could tweak it slightly. example: Life was hard. Energy was spent on work and survival, so Lillian Brushy's first day eased by quietly, with an uneventful entry into the world.
"What happened(,) Mama?"
"Okay(,) Mama."
Nice hook at the end. It made this reader want to read more. A satisfying read.
Well done, my friend.
(Intriquing title. Is Camille eventually going to play a big part in this story? hmm... lol)
Nic
Comment Written 05-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2010
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Hi Nic, I would like to, if only I can get my life in order so I can concentrate. Oh, the love of cats, and calico's in particular would be an integral part of Lilly's life? I am thinking ?? Don't know for sure. What a wonderfully encouraging review. Thank you Nic...Smiles and best wishes to you!! Susan
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Very strong start. Death is a looming figure for this family. I'll bet this story-starter will get some attention. Your chapter is suspenseful and filled with intrigue. Great job, and good luck dear friend.
Isaiah
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Very strong start. Death is a looming figure for this family. I'll bet this story-starter will get some attention. Your chapter is suspenseful and filled with intrigue. Great job, and good luck dear friend.
Isaiah
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Hi again!! I would like to make this a book, but who knows. All I can do is try. I appreciate having you read this, Isaiah, and letting me know your thoughts too. Susan
Comment from Ted T
Hi Susan :)
I'm giving a "fiver" here. You have a good start.
Be careful of "author intrusion" you have it in the last line. Who else would know the kids would never see daddy again but the author?
Ted
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Susan :)
I'm giving a "fiver" here. You have a good start.
Be careful of "author intrusion" you have it in the last line. Who else would know the kids would never see daddy again but the author?
Ted
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Ted! Okay, I will change this! Thank you. Again, you are so right. Little things like this make a big difference. It's good to hear from you, and thank you again!! I keep trying! Susan
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You could write the line as internal dialogue. It might come as a sudden, cold premonition. Work on it.
Ted
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Ok, !! That is an excellent idea. Thank you Ted! You're very helpful. I appreciate! S.
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Keep at it.
Ted
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Wow! Thank you Ted!! This is great! I will work on it, and do the research needed too, and hopefully write my book. All I can do is try. Susan
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Go for it.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Extremely dramatic writing here. I became totally absorbed in the story, even though the very first paragraph made me so sad. Great characterisation, very good dialogue and good emotive descriptions.
Warm wishes
Kat
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Extremely dramatic writing here. I became totally absorbed in the story, even though the very first paragraph made me so sad. Great characterisation, very good dialogue and good emotive descriptions.
Warm wishes
Kat
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Kat!! Thank you so much!! I am glad you liked it, I hope to keep it going, but I will have to really research and keep the history real. Thank you for this wonderful review. It will help me keep trying!! I wish you a happy day!! ") Susan
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Hi Kat! Thank you so very much! I sure appreciate this kind review. It's very encouraging, and hope to finish it too...wish wish!! ") Susan
Comment from SUSKI
Wonderful beginning. Gets the reader right into the story. The kitten's death before the father's death works very well. The whole thing leaves us at a point of total interest and wanting more. Good luck in the contest.
SUSKI
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Wonderful beginning. Gets the reader right into the story. The kitten's death before the father's death works very well. The whole thing leaves us at a point of total interest and wanting more. Good luck in the contest.
SUSKI
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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OH my, thank you SO much!!! What a thrill, to see the gold plus sign! Thank you Suski! I am so happy you enjoyed this, and I hope you will like the rest of it, if I can keep at it! I appreciate this time you have took to read for me, and this neat rating too!! Smiles, you have made my day!! Susan
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Hi Suski!! Thank you SO much!! What a thrill to know you like this attempt! I am thinking of trying to make it into a book. I hope.Thank you for giving me this encouragment. ") HUGS! Susan
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Good job and what a hook, what is this poor woman going to do without a husband and with all those children. I can't wait to see where you go with this.
The sounds of laughter, and too, the arguments between the five children, were Mrs. Brushy's gauge as to their well-being as she went about her chores. (I raised 4 boys, if they were quiet, I knew something was wrong.)
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Good job and what a hook, what is this poor woman going to do without a husband and with all those children. I can't wait to see where you go with this.
The sounds of laughter, and too, the arguments between the five children, were Mrs. Brushy's gauge as to their well-being as she went about her chores. (I raised 4 boys, if they were quiet, I knew something was wrong.)
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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HI Barbara! Thank you SO much!! This is how I was with my son, when he was little. If I couldn't hear him, then I got worried! And you had FOUR! I am impressed! I am thrilled that you liked this Barbara. I hope to keep it going, and that you will like the rest of it too! Thank you again!! Susan
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Hi Barbara...thank you very much. I will do my best to make this a good book. With help from you great fan friends, I will try! Thank you again!! Susan
Comment from Fireshadow
Susan, it puzzles me that you sometimes doubt your own powerful writing skills. This first page of your novel immediately captures the readers, whetting our appetites for more narrative. Your storyline and characters are well introduced though your vivd descriptions and solid dialogue. Excellent work, my friend! Amarillys
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Susan, it puzzles me that you sometimes doubt your own powerful writing skills. This first page of your novel immediately captures the readers, whetting our appetites for more narrative. Your storyline and characters are well introduced though your vivd descriptions and solid dialogue. Excellent work, my friend! Amarillys
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Many many hugs for this wonderfully encouraging review! It means so much, and more than that, I am thrilled that you liked this effort. I really do want to keep it going. But much research will have to be done. Thank you sweet Amarillys, this is so nice of you!!! Luv, Susan
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Hi Amarillys! This really means a lot to me, I hope I can make a book...maybe. Your confidence is so appreciated. And you are such a faithful friend. Hugs, Susan
Comment from AlvinTEthington
An excellent introduction to the novel. You use parallelism quite well (the kitten and the baby.) You write rural dialect well. You show the beginning of the development of character, as the beginning of the novel should. Your description of the little girl's personality immediately creates an empathetic reaction in the reader. One copy editing note: I think the plural tomatoes would work better than the singular tomato's . The ending is quite good; it leaves a sense of mystery and makes the reader want to know what happens next.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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An excellent introduction to the novel. You use parallelism quite well (the kitten and the baby.) You write rural dialect well. You show the beginning of the development of character, as the beginning of the novel should. Your description of the little girl's personality immediately creates an empathetic reaction in the reader. One copy editing note: I think the plural tomatoes would work better than the singular tomato's . The ending is quite good; it leaves a sense of mystery and makes the reader want to know what happens next.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Yes, I will change the tomatoes Alvin, little things like this are hard for me. Thank you for this detailed help! And I so appreciate your time to read this. I do hope to make a book, but we'll see. SO good to hear from you !!! Susan
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You're welcome.
Comment from anne1204
A very good start to an interesting story. I like the way you tied the kitten to the new baby. The story sounds like the 20"s or 30's in the south. Many people grew up in this kind of home. Good writing. Anne 1204
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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A very good start to an interesting story. I like the way you tied the kitten to the new baby. The story sounds like the 20"s or 30's in the south. Many people grew up in this kind of home. Good writing. Anne 1204
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Anne! Yes, I am hoping to make this a book? It will chronicle the life of Lilly, over her 84 year lifetime. I have a lot of research and so forth, and grammer too, to re-learn. But this is something I have dreamed about a long time, as so many have. All I can do is try? With help from you and others, I will make it. SO good to hear from you again Anne!! Susan
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hello again, Susan. You did a fine job with this one. The narrative was very tightly written and active. You obviously paid close attention and focused on avoiding any passive voice in the narrative. It was spag free and the dialogue flowed very well. Great job...Tim
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hello again, Susan. You did a fine job with this one. The narrative was very tightly written and active. You obviously paid close attention and focused on avoiding any passive voice in the narrative. It was spag free and the dialogue flowed very well. Great job...Tim
Comment Written 02-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2010
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Hi Tim! It's great to hear from you! Thank you very much for this wonderful review too. I hope to keep it going, it would be nice. Lots of research to do, I would want it to chronicle this ladies life(Lilly Brushy). The picture of this cat is just gorgeous. Her real name is "Sissy". Little Camille for me! Thank you again Tim, you are very encouraging!! Susan
