Josey's story
Railroad near Tucson, Sonora desert, 1881 (Long!!)31 total reviews
Comment from jwlee211
Good handle on dialogue. You describe the action well pulling the reader into the story. Great character development. I like your setting.
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
  |
Good handle on dialogue. You describe the action well pulling the reader into the story. Great character development. I like your setting.
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
-
Thanks very much for reading and reviewing, truly appreciated! - Cally :)
Comment from CKLA
This is a great story with a very strong character. Your descriptions are so derful.
I wish you good luck in the contest.
Collette
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
|
This is a great story with a very strong character. Your descriptions are so derful.
I wish you good luck in the contest.
Collette
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
-
Thank you Collette for reading and reviewing, much appreciated - Cally :)
Comment from deepwater
fairy this happend to me so after reading your story i had to smile,
How he wished he had not tugged and picked at the loose stitches on the uncomfortable leather shoes he had been given for this journey. grate job of writing GW
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
|
fairy this happend to me so after reading your story i had to smile,
How he wished he had not tugged and picked at the loose stitches on the uncomfortable leather shoes he had been given for this journey. grate job of writing GW
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
-
OK lets be clear on this Gary - what happened to you? You picked at your shoes or you got stranded in the desert ?? LOL
Thanks for reading and reviewing - Cally :)
Comment from tati
Hi Cally, thank you for sharing this most captivating strong character contest entry. And your clever choice of title caught my interest right away. I must admit, the contest link to the picture is very strong:
...hot, burning, aggghh, must move my head, ahh, my head, can't see. He had put his hand on something hot, and hard like iron. It was iron... the rail track, he was lying on the railroad, and it was burning his face...must move, owww! His neck was sore and stiff. Bright light shocked his eyes once again as he rolled on to his back and saw the sun directly above him, blinding him. He put his hands over his face and then suddenly remembered...
The above paragraph is entrancing, with superb imagery. You are really a gifted writer, Cally. Reading your story, I learn a different kind of style of writing - yours is elegant - a perfect blend between the history and culture. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in the contest. Warmest wishes,
tati, May 22, 2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
|
Hi Cally, thank you for sharing this most captivating strong character contest entry. And your clever choice of title caught my interest right away. I must admit, the contest link to the picture is very strong:
...hot, burning, aggghh, must move my head, ahh, my head, can't see. He had put his hand on something hot, and hard like iron. It was iron... the rail track, he was lying on the railroad, and it was burning his face...must move, owww! His neck was sore and stiff. Bright light shocked his eyes once again as he rolled on to his back and saw the sun directly above him, blinding him. He put his hands over his face and then suddenly remembered...
The above paragraph is entrancing, with superb imagery. You are really a gifted writer, Cally. Reading your story, I learn a different kind of style of writing - yours is elegant - a perfect blend between the history and culture. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in the contest. Warmest wishes,
tati, May 22, 2010
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
-
Thank you hugely for all the encouragement tati! So glad you liked the title - I couldn't think of one right up until I posted it! I am so honoured to have such an amazing review from such a good writer! Thanks a lot my friend - Cally :-)))
-
In all honesty, to choose a title is not easy, Cally. So glad to meet you in this wonderful site. A dream come true.
With love,
tati
Comment from RazberryBullet
This could have been shortened to greater effect. Needs some technical work.
suggestions:had filled the poor /boys>boy's/ head with more and more outrageous scare-mongering...the only thing that he thought might be of any use was the /smithies>smith's/ knife...As he had /threwn>thrown/it on to his shoulder...he did not /avoided connecting with>avoid/ his /Mothers>Mother's/ stare...(repetition)he was (really) thirsty. He had become (really) uncertain...She (omit>had) had carefully explained to Josey... they sounded slightly different /to>than/ before...how she sang to him when he /laid>lay/ down to sleep.
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
 |
This could have been shortened to greater effect. Needs some technical work.
suggestions:had filled the poor /boys>boy's/ head with more and more outrageous scare-mongering...the only thing that he thought might be of any use was the /smithies>smith's/ knife...As he had /threwn>thrown/it on to his shoulder...he did not /avoided connecting with>avoid/ his /Mothers>Mother's/ stare...(repetition)he was (really) thirsty. He had become (really) uncertain...She (omit>had) had carefully explained to Josey... they sounded slightly different /to>than/ before...how she sang to him when he /laid>lay/ down to sleep.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
-
Thank you so much for reading and all the spag corrections - much appreciated! I have been so busy this week, I knew I must have made some! All corrected now, with sincere thanks - Cally :)
Comment from fictionwriter
Great little story. I love the descriptions and how much the poor kid suffered. You made it come to life and be real. Well done.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
|
Great little story. I love the descriptions and how much the poor kid suffered. You made it come to life and be real. Well done.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Hi Joy. Thank you so much for reading, and for the very positive and encouraging review! I am so glad you liked it, and very flattered too, being an avid follower of "The Ghost"! Thanks again, Cally :)
Comment from minopavlic
Absolutely captivating, my interest never waivered. You are a gifted writer. Your expressive form is a fine toned craft. I can hardly wait for the next chapter. In terms of artistry, craftmanship and elegance of writing style, the authors talents radiate from the flow of her pen.
This piece which is emaculatly structured draws the reader into the characters of the story, as well bringing to life the time period in question, with a touch of blended history and culture.
Great work
No_obstacle
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
|
Absolutely captivating, my interest never waivered. You are a gifted writer. Your expressive form is a fine toned craft. I can hardly wait for the next chapter. In terms of artistry, craftmanship and elegance of writing style, the authors talents radiate from the flow of her pen.
This piece which is emaculatly structured draws the reader into the characters of the story, as well bringing to life the time period in question, with a touch of blended history and culture.
Great work
No_obstacle
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Thank you for this unbelievably encouraging review, Mino. I am really glad you enjoyed it. I had to do an awful lot of research! I am English and have never seen Arizona, so I had to rely on good old google for all the history and culture information. I absolutely loved writing it! Thanks again - Cally :)
-
You did an absolutely remarkable job of it.
-
Thank you! x
-
You're welcome.
Comment from RebelRose
YTou surely did a wonderful job in crrating a strong character and setting the scene very well. This is an excellent entry for the contest.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
|
YTou surely did a wonderful job in crrating a strong character and setting the scene very well. This is an excellent entry for the contest.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Thank you so much Rose. I am very flattered to have such a good opinion from such a good writer! Cheers - Cally :)
Comment from krdeering
This is a really superior narrative, and I enjoyed reading it. I love historical fiction to start with, and I am familiar with the landscape you wrote about.
Not to be picky, I did notice these typos and glitches. If they were corrected, the piece would be even better:
"sack cloth" and "sun burn" should both be one word
"his Mother," used throughout, should have a lowercase "m" because it's not used as a name (has the possessive pronoun with it)
"caused his vision to blackout" --black out (2 words)
"They had died where they had fell." --where they had fallen.
"He had become really uncertain of whether he would make it to Tucson before thesun, or lack of water and food killed him and hewas really scared!"-- besides the two glued-together words, this appears to be a half-edited sentence. The rest of your writing is smoother than this. "He was really scared" sounds very modern/American.
"Josey had sweated their sometimes too" --change "their" to "there"
Very nice piece of work. It's fine that it's so long; it needs to be this length. I'm running out of room and time myself, or I would go back and find some of the best spots. You have very good instincts and skills for writing.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
|
This is a really superior narrative, and I enjoyed reading it. I love historical fiction to start with, and I am familiar with the landscape you wrote about.
Not to be picky, I did notice these typos and glitches. If they were corrected, the piece would be even better:
"sack cloth" and "sun burn" should both be one word
"his Mother," used throughout, should have a lowercase "m" because it's not used as a name (has the possessive pronoun with it)
"caused his vision to blackout" --black out (2 words)
"They had died where they had fell." --where they had fallen.
"He had become really uncertain of whether he would make it to Tucson before thesun, or lack of water and food killed him and hewas really scared!"-- besides the two glued-together words, this appears to be a half-edited sentence. The rest of your writing is smoother than this. "He was really scared" sounds very modern/American.
"Josey had sweated their sometimes too" --change "their" to "there"
Very nice piece of work. It's fine that it's so long; it needs to be this length. I'm running out of room and time myself, or I would go back and find some of the best spots. You have very good instincts and skills for writing.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Thank you so much for your very encouraging words...and all the spags too! I really needed this review as I thought there might be a few! I have corrected them now. Thanks very much - Cally :)
Comment from Scornwell
A good tale. The visual images it produced were good and the characters were believable. There is a book called "Elements of Style" by: William Strunk and E. B. White it was written in 1919 and writing classes still use it today. It's a tiny little thing, only 94 pages. One thing Prof. Strunk stresses is efficiency of words and names some of the most often used unnecessary words, two of them are that & had:
You wrote "How he now wished that he had not picked at ..."
get rid on unneeded words "How he wished he had not picked at..."
You wrote "... tighter through the holes he had made with a nail he had found on the stagecoach they had been traveling on"
"... tighter through the holes he had made with a nail he found on the stagecoach they traveled on..."
Overall, a nice story that just needs a little polish.
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
|
A good tale. The visual images it produced were good and the characters were believable. There is a book called "Elements of Style" by: William Strunk and E. B. White it was written in 1919 and writing classes still use it today. It's a tiny little thing, only 94 pages. One thing Prof. Strunk stresses is efficiency of words and names some of the most often used unnecessary words, two of them are that & had:
You wrote "How he now wished that he had not picked at ..."
get rid on unneeded words "How he wished he had not picked at..."
You wrote "... tighter through the holes he had made with a nail he had found on the stagecoach they had been traveling on"
"... tighter through the holes he had made with a nail he found on the stagecoach they traveled on..."
Overall, a nice story that just needs a little polish.
Comment Written 21-May-2010
reply by the author on 21-May-2010
-
Thank you very much Scornwell for your sound advice! I did not know quite what to do, because I was talking in the past tense when he was remembering, hence all the 'had's'! You will be delighted to hear I have removed loads of the little blighters! Although I am not too sure if you are supposed to edit a contest entry once it has been posted??? Do you know? I looked in the contest announcement and could not see anything there? I would be most grateful if you could let me know! Thanks again for reading and reviewing - Cally :)
