Full Pockets--Empty Heads
Big oil, small brains73 total reviews
Comment from daniela.albu
A very well written story to go in the contest. It has a bitter morale - people who can make fast money have such small brains when it comes to constructive ideas to redress the oil spill.
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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A very well written story to go in the contest. It has a bitter morale - people who can make fast money have such small brains when it comes to constructive ideas to redress the oil spill.
Comment Written 25-May-2010
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Thank you, Daniela. I appreciate your kindness an dgenerosity in this review...
Comment from knowledge
Very well written. But it didn't seem that they reached that fork in the road yet. There was no solution to the problem.
You have my well wishes for the contest.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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Very well written. But it didn't seem that they reached that fork in the road yet. There was no solution to the problem.
You have my well wishes for the contest.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 25-May-2010
reply by the author on 25-May-2010
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As Yogi said: "When you come to the fork in the road......take it" I didn't feel a solution had to be reached ...just the idea to sink or swim...Thanks so much...
Comment from Readywriter52
It seems like a typical meeting where nothing is done. Executives talk and talk, but they accomplish nothing. It's no wonder people think the oil companies are interested in nothing but profits.
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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It seems like a typical meeting where nothing is done. Executives talk and talk, but they accomplish nothing. It's no wonder people think the oil companies are interested in nothing but profits.
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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LOL...Thanks Readywriter....
Comment from jl & bandit
Hello..
I think you did a gret job writing this, your discriptions are excellent !
I read it twice to make sure but I think {Godammit!" ] is supposed to have another 'D' , even if slang is intended.
Best to you in the vote !
JL&B
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Hello..
I think you did a gret job writing this, your discriptions are excellent !
I read it twice to make sure but I think {Godammit!" ] is supposed to have another 'D' , even if slang is intended.
Best to you in the vote !
JL&B
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Where is campo? LOL..Thanks so much for the fine review...
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It is the east mountains of southern California... San Diego area... LOL
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Aside from a natural ability to weave a story, your character descriptions and amazing asides, manage to push this simple meeting into something notably close to a world summit meeting.
Incredible writing and a pleasure to read.
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Aside from a natural ability to weave a story, your character descriptions and amazing asides, manage to push this simple meeting into something notably close to a world summit meeting.
Incredible writing and a pleasure to read.
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Hello there, Echo...where have you been? I see you have been here awhile? Thanks so muc...especially for the sixer....
Comment from Connie P
This is a 6 star masterpiece. Too bad the subject matter is so serious and distressful. The first paragraph alone grabbed me hard enough to cause me to be glued to the screen for the remainder of the piece.
*warmth of a cyanide factory.
*ten billion dollars in attitude.
*the color of suicide.
These three phrases are so wonderfully descriptive I can't say enough.
Not being a conjunction cop or anything, but one area to be double-checked:
He nodded to Betsy. "Excuse me, that would be lady and gentlemen. Good morning, Ms. Blankensett." Betsy was absolutely gorgeous. She had a soft brown complexion, dark eyes that sparkled, and thick black hair that cascaded over her shoulders. When she smiled, she had dimpled cheeks that you wanted to pinch.
The word "that" is in this short section four times, three of them are conjunctions. I'd suggest a minor revision here.
With THAT said, it's brilliant, I hope you win!
Connie
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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This is a 6 star masterpiece. Too bad the subject matter is so serious and distressful. The first paragraph alone grabbed me hard enough to cause me to be glued to the screen for the remainder of the piece.
*warmth of a cyanide factory.
*ten billion dollars in attitude.
*the color of suicide.
These three phrases are so wonderfully descriptive I can't say enough.
Not being a conjunction cop or anything, but one area to be double-checked:
He nodded to Betsy. "Excuse me, that would be lady and gentlemen. Good morning, Ms. Blankensett." Betsy was absolutely gorgeous. She had a soft brown complexion, dark eyes that sparkled, and thick black hair that cascaded over her shoulders. When she smiled, she had dimpled cheeks that you wanted to pinch.
The word "that" is in this short section four times, three of them are conjunctions. I'd suggest a minor revision here.
With THAT said, it's brilliant, I hope you win!
Connie
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Thanks so much, Conni...I eleiminated half ot the "that's....LOl...Is "that" better? seriously thank you for the wonderful revies and the big sixer!
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You're very welcome!!!!
Comment from DrCarter2001
A very timely topic, to be sure, and appropriate for this contest. I like your descriptions/imagery (such as "the warmth of a cyanide factory") and the humor, but some of the character descriptions, while entertaining, felt more like they were interrupting the flow of the story than contributing to it. For example, by the time you described Harry it was clear that Betsy is hot while all the men are disgusting, insipid little trolls. This comes across feeling stereotypical, which can be okay if there's a point to it or it's all building up to some shocking twist at the end (like it turns out they're all actors or the woman is manipulating them). If you had chosen one character as the POV--Drummond or Betsy, for example, and then described each character through his or her eyes, then it would both feel more natural to comment on specific features and impressions, as it would also give the reader more information about how that POV character thinks. While it's clear you've done your research, it's also better not to provide a list of characters in the story. I stumbled through trying to remember who everyone was, and in the end I didn't need the list because you identified each person by name later on. I also don't understand why you spent so much time describing the chauffeur. When that much detail is given near the end of the story for a minor character, I expect him to play a major role--maybe he's an eco-terrorist who is about to kill Drummond.
The dialogue is also humorous, but I kept waiting for this story to go somewhere. The prompt is "a fork in the road". While you did make direct reference to that in the story, it felt like by the end of the story no one had chosen one side or the other. Nothing is resolved. While that can sometimes be acceptable (Waiting for Godot, for example), it still has to be clear to the reader that the characters have chosen not to make a decision or are incapable of doing so. In this case, that's not clear; rather, it still feels like Drummond plans something but what happens next isn't clear. Maybe that was your intention, in which case you can ignore this section of my review.
However, I couldn't figure out what was going on with Betsy and Drummond. At the beginning it seemed like they were having an affair or there would be some conflict between them, but at the end, again, nothing is resolved.
I think you have some great material to work with here, and it's a humorous take on the whole BP spill (especially the idea about stuffing golf balls into the leak), and with some adjustments it can be delicious satire. Cheers!
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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A very timely topic, to be sure, and appropriate for this contest. I like your descriptions/imagery (such as "the warmth of a cyanide factory") and the humor, but some of the character descriptions, while entertaining, felt more like they were interrupting the flow of the story than contributing to it. For example, by the time you described Harry it was clear that Betsy is hot while all the men are disgusting, insipid little trolls. This comes across feeling stereotypical, which can be okay if there's a point to it or it's all building up to some shocking twist at the end (like it turns out they're all actors or the woman is manipulating them). If you had chosen one character as the POV--Drummond or Betsy, for example, and then described each character through his or her eyes, then it would both feel more natural to comment on specific features and impressions, as it would also give the reader more information about how that POV character thinks. While it's clear you've done your research, it's also better not to provide a list of characters in the story. I stumbled through trying to remember who everyone was, and in the end I didn't need the list because you identified each person by name later on. I also don't understand why you spent so much time describing the chauffeur. When that much detail is given near the end of the story for a minor character, I expect him to play a major role--maybe he's an eco-terrorist who is about to kill Drummond.
The dialogue is also humorous, but I kept waiting for this story to go somewhere. The prompt is "a fork in the road". While you did make direct reference to that in the story, it felt like by the end of the story no one had chosen one side or the other. Nothing is resolved. While that can sometimes be acceptable (Waiting for Godot, for example), it still has to be clear to the reader that the characters have chosen not to make a decision or are incapable of doing so. In this case, that's not clear; rather, it still feels like Drummond plans something but what happens next isn't clear. Maybe that was your intention, in which case you can ignore this section of my review.
However, I couldn't figure out what was going on with Betsy and Drummond. At the beginning it seemed like they were having an affair or there would be some conflict between them, but at the end, again, nothing is resolved.
I think you have some great material to work with here, and it's a humorous take on the whole BP spill (especially the idea about stuffing golf balls into the leak), and with some adjustments it can be delicious satire. Cheers!
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Yeah....You're right...
Comment from missy98writer
Writer,
You hooked me from your fabulous first paragraph - I love your hook lines:
They met in an office that had all the warmth of a cyanide factory. The place was a thousand feet in altitude and maybe ten billion dollars in attitude. A square building, it was a uniquely depressing slate gray, the color of suicide. The meeting was held in the Amoco room, in downtown Houston.
Excellent characterization, great dialogue and awesome descriptive writing, here's some examples:
"Gentlemen, if you'll be so kind as to claim your goodies and have a seat we'll get started. We have a lot to cover." His voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain. He nodded to Betsy. "Excuse me, that would be lady and gentlemen. Good morning, Ms. Blankensett." Betsy was absolutely gorgeous. She had a soft brown complexion, dark eyes that sparkled, and thick black hair that cascaded over her shoulders. When she smiled, she had dimpled cheeks that you wanted to pinch.
Cartoonish images of long, black pipe and rippling blue water popped up on the screen at the far end of the table.
"I say it's not our problem, Mr. Drummond. It's those assholes over at Halliburton. I love it when they speak politicianese, and kiss everybody's ass including Cheney's and the Pope's. Let them clean up after themselves," said Harry Guttenspiel. Harry always wore that pale, obsessive look of ambition so familiar to big corporation board rooms. He was short and bony, with curly black hair and a squirrel like face frequently speckled with late-blooming acne. Harry had a raspy cab driver voice, and he was always sucking on menthol cough drops.
The meeting lasted nearly two hours and Drummond was dour. He felt that absolutely nothing had been accomplished concerning the big spill. He could not believe that nothing fruitful was culled from all of the high-priced bullshitters assembled in that room, but being honest with himself he had very little to offer either.
Drummond helped Betsy Blankensett into the second car and muttered, "With all the money we pay those bastards, wouldn't you think they'd stop fucking the palms of their hands and come up with some answers."
Killer lines, I'm impressed. You'll probably will sweep the voting booth with your freaking awesome story. . .Missy.
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Writer,
You hooked me from your fabulous first paragraph - I love your hook lines:
They met in an office that had all the warmth of a cyanide factory. The place was a thousand feet in altitude and maybe ten billion dollars in attitude. A square building, it was a uniquely depressing slate gray, the color of suicide. The meeting was held in the Amoco room, in downtown Houston.
Excellent characterization, great dialogue and awesome descriptive writing, here's some examples:
"Gentlemen, if you'll be so kind as to claim your goodies and have a seat we'll get started. We have a lot to cover." His voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain. He nodded to Betsy. "Excuse me, that would be lady and gentlemen. Good morning, Ms. Blankensett." Betsy was absolutely gorgeous. She had a soft brown complexion, dark eyes that sparkled, and thick black hair that cascaded over her shoulders. When she smiled, she had dimpled cheeks that you wanted to pinch.
Cartoonish images of long, black pipe and rippling blue water popped up on the screen at the far end of the table.
"I say it's not our problem, Mr. Drummond. It's those assholes over at Halliburton. I love it when they speak politicianese, and kiss everybody's ass including Cheney's and the Pope's. Let them clean up after themselves," said Harry Guttenspiel. Harry always wore that pale, obsessive look of ambition so familiar to big corporation board rooms. He was short and bony, with curly black hair and a squirrel like face frequently speckled with late-blooming acne. Harry had a raspy cab driver voice, and he was always sucking on menthol cough drops.
The meeting lasted nearly two hours and Drummond was dour. He felt that absolutely nothing had been accomplished concerning the big spill. He could not believe that nothing fruitful was culled from all of the high-priced bullshitters assembled in that room, but being honest with himself he had very little to offer either.
Drummond helped Betsy Blankensett into the second car and muttered, "With all the money we pay those bastards, wouldn't you think they'd stop fucking the palms of their hands and come up with some answers."
Killer lines, I'm impressed. You'll probably will sweep the voting booth with your freaking awesome story. . .Missy.
Comment Written 24-May-2010
reply by the author on 24-May-2010
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Thanks so much, Missy...
Comment from Gideon Roth
Great job on this. I enjoyed it very much and it held my interest all the way through. Wishing you continued success and great writing...Gideon
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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Great job on this. I enjoyed it very much and it held my interest all the way through. Wishing you continued success and great writing...Gideon
Comment Written 23-May-2010
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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Hi, Gideon. Welcome to Fanstory...Glad you liked this.....
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Author,
now to me this is an excellent satire of what is going on the wrong spilling of thoughts to straighten out the unnecessary Gulf of Mexico oil exploding. ( great dialogue)
Looks like you have been doing a lot of reading and research
Good Luck
Gert
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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Hello Author,
now to me this is an excellent satire of what is going on the wrong spilling of thoughts to straighten out the unnecessary Gulf of Mexico oil exploding. ( great dialogue)
Looks like you have been doing a lot of reading and research
Good Luck
Gert
Comment Written 23-May-2010
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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Hi, Gert...I certainly appreciate your great review and six stars! Wow! Yes, it did require a bit of research...However all the names were made up of course...
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You are welcome
Yes I release the names weren't real.
I have been keeping up with this messy oil spill.
Gert
