Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 47 "Chapter 14; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
57 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
When Leya said, "You think Steven loves you?" to Slutty Peggy, it made me want to shout! Wooohooo! I loved it.
I'm glad Steven and Leya are piecing things back together. I'm elated that Peggy will be out of the picture!
A few suggestions:
Leya demanded(,) pointing an acusing finger. (accusing)
He stared at her hand and rubbed his thumb against it, then he continued, "I hope you believe that shortly after we married I realized I enjoyed having you around." He paused, then added, "At the time I didn't understand it, but I do now. I was in love with you."
(Because you have 'he continued' in the first part of this passage, I think you should omit 'then added' in the second part. Just stating "He paused." will improve the flow.)
Her eyes became moist, she stared at the piece of paper. (replace the comma with a semi-colon or a period.)
I like the photo you chose.
I enjoyed this chapter. I can't wait for them to leave the hospital and have make up sex. lol
Nic
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2010
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When Leya said, "You think Steven loves you?" to Slutty Peggy, it made me want to shout! Wooohooo! I loved it.
I'm glad Steven and Leya are piecing things back together. I'm elated that Peggy will be out of the picture!
A few suggestions:
Leya demanded(,) pointing an acusing finger. (accusing)
He stared at her hand and rubbed his thumb against it, then he continued, "I hope you believe that shortly after we married I realized I enjoyed having you around." He paused, then added, "At the time I didn't understand it, but I do now. I was in love with you."
(Because you have 'he continued' in the first part of this passage, I think you should omit 'then added' in the second part. Just stating "He paused." will improve the flow.)
Her eyes became moist, she stared at the piece of paper. (replace the comma with a semi-colon or a period.)
I like the photo you chose.
I enjoyed this chapter. I can't wait for them to leave the hospital and have make up sex. lol
Nic
Comment Written 08-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2010
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Thank you for the review. I printed it so I don't miss any of the needed corrections.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Leya demanded pointing an ac[c]using finger.
"I understand[no comma] because[,] immediately after we were married[,] I felt something, but didn't understand it either."
She'd better not run off again while he's getting her something to eat!
Roberta
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Leya demanded pointing an ac[c]using finger.
"I understand[no comma] because[,] immediately after we were married[,] I felt something, but didn't understand it either."
She'd better not run off again while he's getting her something to eat!
Roberta
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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She doesn't, only it gets worse than her running away. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
I am soooo very glad that these two love birds have been able to surmount all the initial difficulties, including the death of Leya's father by her own hands, to forge ahead in their relationship. Very nice chapter. cheers
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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I am soooo very glad that these two love birds have been able to surmount all the initial difficulties, including the death of Leya's father by her own hands, to forge ahead in their relationship. Very nice chapter. cheers
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ann Smith
The dialogue between Leya and Steven is so sweet and you can hear the love in Steven's voice as well as Leya. I'm glad they are going to work things out, and I'm glad that Leya saw through Peggy's lies. I can't wait to see what you are going to come up with in the next 33 pages. ann
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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The dialogue between Leya and Steven is so sweet and you can hear the love in Steven's voice as well as Leya. I'm glad they are going to work things out, and I'm glad that Leya saw through Peggy's lies. I can't wait to see what you are going to come up with in the next 33 pages. ann
Comment Written 19-May-2010
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bowls
I'm so sorry this is the first I've read of your work. It would be nice to know what came before. From what I can see here, the lead-up has been exciting. This section creates interest; I want to know what will happen to these characters. There's a typo near the beginning - ACCUSING is spelled incorrectly. Apart from that, everything looks just fine.
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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I'm so sorry this is the first I've read of your work. It would be nice to know what came before. From what I can see here, the lead-up has been exciting. This section creates interest; I want to know what will happen to these characters. There's a typo near the beginning - ACCUSING is spelled incorrectly. Apart from that, everything looks just fine.
Comment Written 18-May-2010
reply by the author on 19-May-2010
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Thank you for your review and I will check on the spelling of accusing.
Comment from eliz100
This was another great read. Peggy sure is the looser all around but someone has to have that role in the story. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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This was another great read. Peggy sure is the looser all around but someone has to have that role in the story. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 18-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from DrSav
Your dialogue is very strong and definately maintains the fluency within this chapter.
I personally would be more engaged if there was a parapgraph or two dedicated to painting a picture of the surrounding and body language of the characters.
I think you should be writing scripts for tv drama. Your good at it!
I hope the story turns out well.
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Your dialogue is very strong and definately maintains the fluency within this chapter.
I personally would be more engaged if there was a parapgraph or two dedicated to painting a picture of the surrounding and body language of the characters.
I think you should be writing scripts for tv drama. Your good at it!
I hope the story turns out well.
Comment Written 18-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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I am sorry you do not like my writing. I do have numerous fans that compliment me on my sharp crisp writing. Thank you for your opinion.
Comment from Alan Degenerate
I'm new to this site, so I've been busy shuffling through chapters here and there trying to find the ones I find interesting, and this is one that I will have to go back to the beginning and read from the start.
Seems interesting so far.
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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I'm new to this site, so I've been busy shuffling through chapters here and there trying to find the ones I find interesting, and this is one that I will have to go back to the beginning and read from the start.
Seems interesting so far.
Comment Written 18-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Earthwriter
i think this genre is your calling i have read a couple of your chapters and found them to be both well written and enjoyable thanks for saharing
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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i think this genre is your calling i have read a couple of your chapters and found them to be both well written and enjoyable thanks for saharing
Comment Written 18-May-2010
reply by the author on 18-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from CKLA
It sounds like Steven and Leya are finally getting the chance to work things out. This is a well written chapter with strong characters.
Great writing. :)
Collette
reply by the author on 17-May-2010
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It sounds like Steven and Leya are finally getting the chance to work things out. This is a well written chapter with strong characters.
Great writing. :)
Collette
Comment Written 17-May-2010
reply by the author on 17-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
