The Final Deal
An Angel Asks to be Reassigned.31 total reviews
Comment from missy98writer
John,
Talk about going to hell in a handbasket. I loved your dialogue. You are a true wordsmith. Brilliantly written with satirical humor. Perfect characterization of a preverted and money grubbing person. As always your stories always are technically crafted and artistically written. Awesome art work. Your well written words does justice to the angel. I love the last line:
"Forget it, Pete. Operator, get me Lucifer. I know that bastard will strike a deal."
Your excellent story is a wonderful entry for the The Day After Tomorrow contest. Good luck and thanks for sharing. . .Melissa.
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John,
Talk about going to hell in a handbasket. I loved your dialogue. You are a true wordsmith. Brilliantly written with satirical humor. Perfect characterization of a preverted and money grubbing person. As always your stories always are technically crafted and artistically written. Awesome art work. Your well written words does justice to the angel. I love the last line:
"Forget it, Pete. Operator, get me Lucifer. I know that bastard will strike a deal."
Your excellent story is a wonderful entry for the The Day After Tomorrow contest. Good luck and thanks for sharing. . .Melissa.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from spellbound
Well, you had me laughing at the end. They say the way you are here is the way you'll be when you cross over. Best to change while you're here.
Anyway, good dialogue. Kept my interest throughout. Good description had me right there with that scum bag. (fortunately as a fly on the wall)
Great piece and I think a great idea for a story.
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Well, you had me laughing at the end. They say the way you are here is the way you'll be when you cross over. Best to change while you're here.
Anyway, good dialogue. Kept my interest throughout. Good description had me right there with that scum bag. (fortunately as a fly on the wall)
Great piece and I think a great idea for a story.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from Halfree
A fun story with good dialog. Hey, you didn't offend..Just a fun story. I know I am supposed to write more but what more can I say...Well, one thing..I wish it were my story.
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A fun story with good dialog. Hey, you didn't offend..Just a fun story. I know I am supposed to write more but what more can I say...Well, one thing..I wish it were my story.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from wierdgrace
you truly did not offend me, and I loved it, the diologue is always my favorite, if it flows smoothly and you dont need to know who is talking you can figure out the characters that is great writing, this is great, story and all, and I truly love the art, wow. can not wait for the voting. No disrespect ws inteneded, you are writing. well done.
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you truly did not offend me, and I loved it, the diologue is always my favorite, if it flows smoothly and you dont need to know who is talking you can figure out the characters that is great writing, this is great, story and all, and I truly love the art, wow. can not wait for the voting. No disrespect ws inteneded, you are writing. well done.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from closetpoetjester
This was so f*****g brilliant, I wish I had a six left my man!!
Your talent for short stories is absolutely overflowing and this effortless piece was nothing short of sheer brilliance. Sorry I can't give a six for this but what about a 5 that didn't quite get the guernsey.
Your writing amazes me, I found this compelling and you suck the reader in so beautifully and convincingly. I only had one small problem. When chickaboo started talking to Pete, just after "....um..needs" her conversation that starts with him came so out of the blue I was taken aback a little cos I didn't have an introduction to Pete. I thought he was Mr. Thornton for a sec or two. Couldn't work out whether she was on the phone to him or talking to thin air. Obviously the latter but I just found I stumbled there a little. It could just be me but maybe a comment right before she starts talking to him that helps the reader realise there is another present and so they don't confuse Pete with the sexually frustrated Mr. Thornton. eg. She looked up in frustration... or much cleverer words to that effect.
Cheers for a well written and beautifully presented story and it was a great read.
Closetpoetjester xo
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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This was so f*****g brilliant, I wish I had a six left my man!!
Your talent for short stories is absolutely overflowing and this effortless piece was nothing short of sheer brilliance. Sorry I can't give a six for this but what about a 5 that didn't quite get the guernsey.
Your writing amazes me, I found this compelling and you suck the reader in so beautifully and convincingly. I only had one small problem. When chickaboo started talking to Pete, just after "....um..needs" her conversation that starts with him came so out of the blue I was taken aback a little cos I didn't have an introduction to Pete. I thought he was Mr. Thornton for a sec or two. Couldn't work out whether she was on the phone to him or talking to thin air. Obviously the latter but I just found I stumbled there a little. It could just be me but maybe a comment right before she starts talking to him that helps the reader realise there is another present and so they don't confuse Pete with the sexually frustrated Mr. Thornton. eg. She looked up in frustration... or much cleverer words to that effect.
Cheers for a well written and beautifully presented story and it was a great read.
Closetpoetjester xo
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Thanks, Closet. I'm happy you enjoy my writing. I love to shocj and inspire my readers. Your reviews are great. Thanks for your support. I love it. - John
Comment from sugardog
I can tell you had fun with this one! Interesting take on the in between...I thought you did a great job on dialogue and you moved this story along nicely making it an interesting read. Good luck in the contest, John. Dana
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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I can tell you had fun with this one! Interesting take on the in between...I thought you did a great job on dialogue and you moved this story along nicely making it an interesting read. Good luck in the contest, John. Dana
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Hi, Dana. Thanks for your positive review. I appreciate it. - John
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You're welcome! Dana
Comment from Addy García
Your story is interesting and fun, I liked a lot.
Because the interior of T. It is feared that trial be final, and your plants as much fun
Many of us are identied with those words, thanks for sharing your work with us.
Congratulations, you receive a greeting from Mexico.
GARC?A ADDY
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Your story is interesting and fun, I liked a lot.
Because the interior of T. It is feared that trial be final, and your plants as much fun
Many of us are identied with those words, thanks for sharing your work with us.
Congratulations, you receive a greeting from Mexico.
GARC?A ADDY
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Hola, Addy. Muchas Gracias por su revision. I love Mexico! My time in Cancun, Mexico City and Acapulco was wonderful. You guys/girls are fun. Thanks for reviewing. - John
Comment from Raul GF
Mr Thornton is a lawyer, he acts just like one, I liked your idea of a fanstasy into which he is offered a second chance, but he has to give the money away. I don't find it offensive, I think it has a good sense of humor.
You need to spell correctly discipline and you also went from the first voice to the third when Saint Peter speaks to you. I will call your story It's a Wonderful Life with a satiric twist
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Mr Thornton is a lawyer, he acts just like one, I liked your idea of a fanstasy into which he is offered a second chance, but he has to give the money away. I don't find it offensive, I think it has a good sense of humor.
You need to spell correctly discipline and you also went from the first voice to the third when Saint Peter speaks to you. I will call your story It's a Wonderful Life with a satiric twist
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Gracias, Amigo. My spellchecker was on the fritz, sorry. Thanks for your review. It's a wonderful life with a satiric twist is priceless. Thanks for such a wonderful comment. - John
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am sorry, I meant to give your five stars and my finger must have slipped. I didn't notice until I read your reply. If that ever happens again and I didn't list at least 5 mechanical errors, please bring it to my attention. I am sorry!!!!!!!!!!!
This is an artwork I would expect from you. I can tell you had fun writing this. It shows. I can see you smiling and laughing as you wrote. It was very good.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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I am sorry, I meant to give your five stars and my finger must have slipped. I didn't notice until I read your reply. If that ever happens again and I didn't list at least 5 mechanical errors, please bring it to my attention. I am sorry!!!!!!!!!!!
This is an artwork I would expect from you. I can tell you had fun writing this. It shows. I can see you smiling and laughing as you wrote. It was very good.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Lol. Barbara, you know me too well. - John
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very creative view of purgatory. You off the wall comments are humorous, but I think the Angel-to-be should tie you naked to a cross and tickle you with a feather for eternity. Having to be around someone like her without being able to satisfy your needs is a true definition of Hell.
Is it intentional that you are not referring to the Diety in upper case pronouns?
"Whoa, whoa. You got proof of that allegation, bug(big) guy?"
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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This is a very creative view of purgatory. You off the wall comments are humorous, but I think the Angel-to-be should tie you naked to a cross and tickle you with a feather for eternity. Having to be around someone like her without being able to satisfy your needs is a true definition of Hell.
Is it intentional that you are not referring to the Diety in upper case pronouns?
"Whoa, whoa. You got proof of that allegation, bug(big) guy?"
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Aye, Charlie. I do believe she is a true test of a man's will. I'm happy to say that I would succumb, lol. Yest the diety issue is intentional. - John
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You're welcome, John. When I is time to ask for forgiveness, be sure to wipe the grin off your face and show remorse. Charlie
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I'm going to Hell, Charlie. The smirk on my face is permanent. With the number of women I've known, I have a reserved seat in Hell. - John
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Get the Hot Dog Concession, John. Charlie
