Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 44 "Chapter thirteen; part one"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
73 total reviews
Comment from anabelle
OMG! This is frightening. Leya killed her father? How did he find Steven to begin with? Did I miss a chapter? It's Peggy, right? Arrrggg..
Thanks for the good read.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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OMG! This is frightening. Leya killed her father? How did he find Steven to begin with? Did I miss a chapter? It's Peggy, right? Arrrggg..
Thanks for the good read.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I think all will be answered very soon.
Comment from draconianmaster123
Good, and I thought it was especially great when Hector had Steven and Leya shot Hector. Great writing, and don't EVER give up.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Good, and I thought it was especially great when Hector had Steven and Leya shot Hector. Great writing, and don't EVER give up.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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If my post is as good as your review says it is, why did I get 4 stars. I am confused.
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I put four stars? I'm so sorry I meant to put five!
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I don't want to be bold and I am sorry, if you feel I am, but you can go back into my post and change it.
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Oh cool I didn't know that i'll go change it to five!
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I changed it, again I am sorry!
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Thank you. I do really appreciate it.
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yw
Comment from fictionwriter
What a stupid move. That just could have gotten her killed. It worked out, but a bit too convenient if you ask me. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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What a stupid move. That just could have gotten her killed. It worked out, but a bit too convenient if you ask me. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Leya is not out of danger yet, far from it. Thank you for your review.
Comment from L.lora
typo='Leya walked until she came to(a)gas station'
Wow, heavy duty, lots of action
right out front, very exciting.
The descriptions are superb and
the dialogues heighten the excitement.
An exhilarating read. Lora
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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typo='Leya walked until she came to(a)gas station'
Wow, heavy duty, lots of action
right out front, very exciting.
The descriptions are superb and
the dialogues heighten the excitement.
An exhilarating read. Lora
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and catching that little error. I apprecaite it.
Comment from Connie P
Leya defends Steven to the point of killing her own father. The cartel will want revenge. Where did Leya run off to, she and Steven need to reunite and work as a team.
Great chapter,
Connie
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Leya defends Steven to the point of killing her own father. The cartel will want revenge. Where did Leya run off to, she and Steven need to reunite and work as a team.
Great chapter,
Connie
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Mengleoh67
You're killing me here! I hope the next chapter is coming soon!!
Excellent beginning of the end. Excellent character interaction and dialgoue, fast pace, good continutation of the storyline. As always a fine hook into the next chapter. I can't wait to read the rest.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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You're killing me here! I hope the next chapter is coming soon!!
Excellent beginning of the end. Excellent character interaction and dialgoue, fast pace, good continutation of the storyline. As always a fine hook into the next chapter. I can't wait to read the rest.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and support. I appreciate both.
Comment from Rama Rao
The story has moved at an express speed. Leya had to choose between her father and Steve. That was an excellent twist in the story. I was riveted as usual.
Hector coming all by himself to take care of Steve -this was also a good Idea.
Wish you good luck with the novel.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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The story has moved at an express speed. Leya had to choose between her father and Steve. That was an excellent twist in the story. I was riveted as usual.
Hector coming all by himself to take care of Steve -this was also a good Idea.
Wish you good luck with the novel.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Helen Tan
I didn't notice any major SPAGS, if any, I'm sure other reviewers have picked up on them. The comments made are mainly some consideration on style. It helps that Leya's not on good term with the dad and he's such a horrid guy BUT killing her dad must be a haunting experience. How's she going to face her mum? Good movement.
"First I need to disable the security system." Leya crept to the basement
Once out of range of the security fence
This is an area you need to look at. The security system is realistic but how realistic is it that Leya knows how to disable it by just studying the keys? The password? How did she know? Something for you to think about.
She counted $450
I think money needs to be written in full so maybe - "She counted four fifty" and then a thought process in italic maybe -Should be enough to get me to.../Is this enough?
Don't forget her mind is now in planning mode and will go through an assessment and questioning of things she needs to do and the feasibility of her plan. I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.
she continued to search the file for the address.
Consider - she continued to flip through the file for the address.
You have a "search the file" about two lines up.
Steven noticed Leya. "GET OUT!"
Line spacing required before this line. Some editors don't like the use of capital letters like this, you may want to reconsider.
"Habla Espanola!" (Speak Spanish!)
I'm not sure I'm keen on the translation being presented in parenthesis next to the English lines. It's distracting. I would leave it in the notes and consider using very basic Spanish words where most readers would have a fair chance of understanding. That's me.
Steven is fluent in Spanish, so it didn't matter what language we speak.
doesnt' matter - consistency of tenses.
The part where her dad counts in Spanish - I think most would get the meaning of "unos , dos, tres" without the translation in parenthesis.. Another way is to insert a line. - Her father started to count in Spanish..."Unos".... or instead of the Line - Her father shouted, put Her father counted..
The bullet hit her father and he fell to the floor with blood gushing from his chest and mouth.
Try shorter sentences here for dramatic effect, more action packed maybe.-
The bullet hit her father. He fell to the floor. Blood gushed from his chest and mouth.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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I didn't notice any major SPAGS, if any, I'm sure other reviewers have picked up on them. The comments made are mainly some consideration on style. It helps that Leya's not on good term with the dad and he's such a horrid guy BUT killing her dad must be a haunting experience. How's she going to face her mum? Good movement.
"First I need to disable the security system." Leya crept to the basement
Once out of range of the security fence
This is an area you need to look at. The security system is realistic but how realistic is it that Leya knows how to disable it by just studying the keys? The password? How did she know? Something for you to think about.
She counted $450
I think money needs to be written in full so maybe - "She counted four fifty" and then a thought process in italic maybe -Should be enough to get me to.../Is this enough?
Don't forget her mind is now in planning mode and will go through an assessment and questioning of things she needs to do and the feasibility of her plan. I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.
she continued to search the file for the address.
Consider - she continued to flip through the file for the address.
You have a "search the file" about two lines up.
Steven noticed Leya. "GET OUT!"
Line spacing required before this line. Some editors don't like the use of capital letters like this, you may want to reconsider.
"Habla Espanola!" (Speak Spanish!)
I'm not sure I'm keen on the translation being presented in parenthesis next to the English lines. It's distracting. I would leave it in the notes and consider using very basic Spanish words where most readers would have a fair chance of understanding. That's me.
Steven is fluent in Spanish, so it didn't matter what language we speak.
doesnt' matter - consistency of tenses.
The part where her dad counts in Spanish - I think most would get the meaning of "unos , dos, tres" without the translation in parenthesis.. Another way is to insert a line. - Her father started to count in Spanish..."Unos".... or instead of the Line - Her father shouted, put Her father counted..
The bullet hit her father and he fell to the floor with blood gushing from his chest and mouth.
Try shorter sentences here for dramatic effect, more action packed maybe.-
The bullet hit her father. He fell to the floor. Blood gushed from his chest and mouth.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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The problem with putting the translations in the author's notes is in books there are no author's notes. I have pretty much decided to let the editor deal with that. Thank you for your review and I will take another look at thos areas.
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True...mind you, I've seen a few books where they have notes in italic at the end of the relevant page. Just can't remember the titles of those books. Minor point anyway and you're right, the editor would know what to do. =D
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi barbra,
I read through this chapter, as I got curious to see how steven and Lea were doing,
The read was easy, as the tone and style was active, had a logical flow, and a format I enjoy. Showing the plot,
She hoped he'd finish so she could exit by the front door.
(exit through the front door?)
Steven is fluent in Spanish, so it didn't matter (so it doesn't matter..)?
He ran to (the) door. (missing word)
I kind of enjoyed lea shooting her father plot point. A tangled mess for her.
Seems you are keeping the love suspense floating well by not letting them remove all the conflicts keeping them apart.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Hi barbra,
I read through this chapter, as I got curious to see how steven and Lea were doing,
The read was easy, as the tone and style was active, had a logical flow, and a format I enjoy. Showing the plot,
She hoped he'd finish so she could exit by the front door.
(exit through the front door?)
Steven is fluent in Spanish, so it didn't matter (so it doesn't matter..)?
He ran to (the) door. (missing word)
I kind of enjoyed lea shooting her father plot point. A tangled mess for her.
Seems you are keeping the love suspense floating well by not letting them remove all the conflicts keeping them apart.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate finding the errors. I am on them.
Comment from Jonez08
Wow, excellent chapter. Lots of action. You must have lots of knowledge in this area with the security and all of that, I'm stunned tha Leya's father put her in that position and it's better him dead than Steven. I'm assuming this is nearing the end of their love story, not sure since I just joined in. I enjoyed!
Maybe if I leave an IOU it won't look as bad.
(LOL...funny)
I know the risk, but I can't let Peggy have Steven.
(I like Leya, she's so honest about her feelings)
(She) walked until she came to gas station and called a taxi. While waiting, she called her mother,
(since you broke into another scene,indicating a later time, I suggest Leya's name her. I assumed it was her but I think it should be clear.)
The door (was) ajar and she heard a scuffle
(consider: (stood)
Steven noticed Leya. "(GET OUT)!"
(I don't think caps are needed here. Exclamations points are reserved to show excitement, anxiety etc, so I think the exclamation point works well without the caps)
Steven is fluent in Spanish, so it didn't matter what language we speak. Father (doesn't) need anymore control over the situation.
(since 1st person is this only time you use italics when having internal thoughts, doesn't should be (didn't)
Leya's attempt to control her temper (was fading)
(to make active: (faded)
Leya, follow your heart. Do what you can live with."
(LOL... I thought he would be nobel and say 'don't kill your father', but I'm glad he didn't)
Her father shouted, "Tres." (Three) He laughed, taunting her.
(this man is truly loco...crazy)
"Sorry Father, my love for (Steven's) stronger than my love for you."
(Steven is)
As tears streamed down her cheeks, she turned and ran from the cabin.
(consider: Tears streamed down Leya cheeks as she turned and ran from the cabin
Cassandra
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Wow, excellent chapter. Lots of action. You must have lots of knowledge in this area with the security and all of that, I'm stunned tha Leya's father put her in that position and it's better him dead than Steven. I'm assuming this is nearing the end of their love story, not sure since I just joined in. I enjoyed!
Maybe if I leave an IOU it won't look as bad.
(LOL...funny)
I know the risk, but I can't let Peggy have Steven.
(I like Leya, she's so honest about her feelings)
(She) walked until she came to gas station and called a taxi. While waiting, she called her mother,
(since you broke into another scene,indicating a later time, I suggest Leya's name her. I assumed it was her but I think it should be clear.)
The door (was) ajar and she heard a scuffle
(consider: (stood)
Steven noticed Leya. "(GET OUT)!"
(I don't think caps are needed here. Exclamations points are reserved to show excitement, anxiety etc, so I think the exclamation point works well without the caps)
Steven is fluent in Spanish, so it didn't matter what language we speak. Father (doesn't) need anymore control over the situation.
(since 1st person is this only time you use italics when having internal thoughts, doesn't should be (didn't)
Leya's attempt to control her temper (was fading)
(to make active: (faded)
Leya, follow your heart. Do what you can live with."
(LOL... I thought he would be nobel and say 'don't kill your father', but I'm glad he didn't)
Her father shouted, "Tres." (Three) He laughed, taunting her.
(this man is truly loco...crazy)
"Sorry Father, my love for (Steven's) stronger than my love for you."
(Steven is)
As tears streamed down her cheeks, she turned and ran from the cabin.
(consider: Tears streamed down Leya cheeks as she turned and ran from the cabin
Cassandra
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for pointing out those mistakes I making the corrections.
