Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 44 "Chapter thirteen; part one"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
73 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!
This is fabulous.
You incorporated so much suspense into this chapter. I was reading quickly as Leya found the means to leave the house. I felt her panic and fear of being caught. (Leaving an IOU is SOOOO Leya!) haha
I think I even held my breath a bit.
I'm proud of Leya. What strength it took to prove good over evil, even when it meant shooting her own father. There is no way Steven can doubt her love and devotion now.
I hope no harm met her as she ran from the cabin.
This chapter is exceptional. I'm so happy I have a six to rate it with.
No suggestions. Great work, Barbara.
Nic
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2010
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Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!
This is fabulous.
You incorporated so much suspense into this chapter. I was reading quickly as Leya found the means to leave the house. I felt her panic and fear of being caught. (Leaving an IOU is SOOOO Leya!) haha
I think I even held my breath a bit.
I'm proud of Leya. What strength it took to prove good over evil, even when it meant shooting her own father. There is no way Steven can doubt her love and devotion now.
I hope no harm met her as she ran from the cabin.
This chapter is exceptional. I'm so happy I have a six to rate it with.
No suggestions. Great work, Barbara.
Nic
Comment Written 08-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your support and the review. I am so glad you are back.
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That's what Steven said!
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I know he did, he acutually missed you, a lot.
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Yes - he proved it to me. I'm a believer!
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I bet he did a good job too.
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LOL
I'm cracking up.
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I've never know a task force man to back down from anything and they always do their best.
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And their best is oh so good...
Comment from maggieJo
Troubles on top of troubles. Now what?
Will Leya keep running and will Steve be able to find her or will her father's men find her first?
Troubles on top of troubles!!!!!!!!!
mj
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
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Troubles on top of troubles. Now what?
Will Leya keep running and will Steve be able to find her or will her father's men find her first?
Troubles on top of troubles!!!!!!!!!
mj
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
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Leya will find herself in all sorts of trouble.
Thank you for your review.
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Oh my! Can't wait .. . .
mj
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Nice chapter, good pacing and lots of tense action. The emotions are clear and the twist of Leya shooting her father was a surprise.
I'm not sure about the explanation of the Spanish words. They took me out of the moment. Maybe you don't need them.
Good work.
Ted
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
Nice chapter, good pacing and lots of tense action. The emotions are clear and the twist of Leya shooting her father was a surprise.
I'm not sure about the explanation of the Spanish words. They took me out of the moment. Maybe you don't need them.
Good work.
Ted
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
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I am sorry you didn't get to review this while it paid some points. I haven't decided what to do with the Spanish words. I want Hector to seem authenic. I think I will see what the editor wants to do.
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Hi Barbara :)
I'm not all that excited about points. They don't mean much anyway.
Explain what you mean by waiting for the editor. The book must be finished, you have to get an agent, the novel has to be purchased by a publisher. All of that must happen before an editor suggests anything.
If you intend to self-publish, you'll skip the agent and a publisher. Going S/P with fiction has a high failure rate.
Ted
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I know the process. I had been accepted by a literary agency and they edited my books, at a cost, before they pushed towards a publisher. They picked up my first two novels, but never saw this one. I was still writing it. It is finished. As for the literary agency, I fired them because $5000 poorer, I never had any proof they pushed my novels, plus they did a lousy job editing.
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Hi Barbara :)
Okay, you got taken for a ride. Never pay a reading or editing fee to an agent. Some will charge for postage and copies which comes out of your advance plus the standard 15%. Agents don't edit, they might suggest a few changes, but that's it. Agents earn their keep from sales, not from the author. If a publisher buys your manuscript you would be assigned a copy editor. The agent is not involved in that process. If an agent suggests an editing service it's a red flag. They're running a scam.
A friend of mine got ripped off in 1993 for $7,000 by a "book doctor" that only corrected his comma usage.
I suggest you post your book on authonomy.com -- the site is owned by Harper Collins and there are no fees. If the novel gets to the top ten it will be reviewed by an in-house H/C editor. I have "Meadow" and "Deathmaker" posted there. They haven't hit the editor's desk yet and both have been on the site for several months.
The best thing to do is write a good cover/query letter and hit a dozen agents at a time. Follow their guidelines and go for it. I intend to do exactly that with all four of my novels as soon as "Thorns" is finished.
Ted
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I plan on looking this summer for an agent. I will check into the site you suggested. I am ankle surgery this summer, I have torn two tendons in an ankle, and will be laid up most to the summer, so I will have time to get caught up on my writing and finding an agent.
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I plan on looking this summer for an agent. I will check into the site you suggested. I am ankle surgery this summer, I have torn two tendons in an ankle, and will be laid up most to the summer, so I will have time to get caught up on my writing and finding an agent.
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Hi Barbara :)
I'm sorry to hear about the surgery. It won't be fun for sure.
You just have to blast out covers/queries to interest an agent. Be prepared for a lot of rejection and take it in stride.
NOTE: an agent MUST be in LOVE with your book within the first chapter or they won't represent you. Sad, but true. That's the name of the game.
Ted
Comment from Josipher32
barabra.wilkey,
"Chapter thirteen; part one" was another very well written chapter of your book "Tantalizing Eyes" I will continue to read more.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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barabra.wilkey,
"Chapter thirteen; part one" was another very well written chapter of your book "Tantalizing Eyes" I will continue to read more.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I hope I don't disappoint you.
Comment from rama devi
Wow, what an intense scene and what a choice---shoot your dad or let him shoot your beloved husband. very intense.
Even though I did not read all chapters, it is easy to follow your charachters and plot jumping in an out of this story, which is a good sign, i think.
You excel in dialog. Your narrative has some nits--mostly to do with sentence structure and overusing pronouns.
A few nits notes (but there are more)---
*and spike heels ---spiked heels
* Careful of overusing the pronouns!
Couple of examples and suggestions, but there are many instances you might want to reconsider your phrasing to minimize use of pronouns,
Leya removed her shoes as she walked up the basement stairs. In the hall, she saw Derek walk past the kitchen window and knew he was in the backyard. Knowing she needed to hurry, she rushed to Steven's office.
Leya removed her shoes and walked up the basement stairs. In the hall, she saw Derek walk past the kitchen window towards the backyard. She needed to hurry, and rushed to Steven's office.
She hung up before she confessed she'd run from the safe house and Steven had left her.
She hung up before confessing she'd run from the safe house and Steven had left her.
*Leya escaped from all the men;(,) including Ralph.
This seems true to life, as I know there are some places where people are actually this violent regarding mixed marriages. racism is so sad, and your story brings this to light.
bravo.
Love, rd
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Wow, what an intense scene and what a choice---shoot your dad or let him shoot your beloved husband. very intense.
Even though I did not read all chapters, it is easy to follow your charachters and plot jumping in an out of this story, which is a good sign, i think.
You excel in dialog. Your narrative has some nits--mostly to do with sentence structure and overusing pronouns.
A few nits notes (but there are more)---
*and spike heels ---spiked heels
* Careful of overusing the pronouns!
Couple of examples and suggestions, but there are many instances you might want to reconsider your phrasing to minimize use of pronouns,
Leya removed her shoes as she walked up the basement stairs. In the hall, she saw Derek walk past the kitchen window and knew he was in the backyard. Knowing she needed to hurry, she rushed to Steven's office.
Leya removed her shoes and walked up the basement stairs. In the hall, she saw Derek walk past the kitchen window towards the backyard. She needed to hurry, and rushed to Steven's office.
She hung up before she confessed she'd run from the safe house and Steven had left her.
She hung up before confessing she'd run from the safe house and Steven had left her.
*Leya escaped from all the men;(,) including Ralph.
This seems true to life, as I know there are some places where people are actually this violent regarding mixed marriages. racism is so sad, and your story brings this to light.
bravo.
Love, rd
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words, I am copying your suggestions so I can correct those areas.
Comment from CKLA
This story just keeps getting better with each chapter. What a horrible position to be in, your father or your husband. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Collette
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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This story just keeps getting better with each chapter. What a horrible position to be in, your father or your husband. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Collette
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from misscookie
This is a very moving writeAnd the artwork truly set the stage.
This had my ATTENTION FROM THE FRIST WORD TO THE LAST.
there was never a dull moments.
this is a good write.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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This is a very moving writeAnd the artwork truly set the stage.
This had my ATTENTION FROM THE FRIST WORD TO THE LAST.
there was never a dull moments.
this is a good write.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
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you arevery welcome.
Comment from cscalia99
At the start it was kind of hard for me to take a grasp on what the story was going to be about and not a few sentences later you had me reading to find out more. Great story really caught my attention. Defiantly continue on.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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At the start it was kind of hard for me to take a grasp on what the story was going to be about and not a few sentences later you had me reading to find out more. Great story really caught my attention. Defiantly continue on.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Lou67
This is a very well written chapter. The storyline flows well and is easy to follow. The dialogue is good and flows naturally. It is well edited and easy to read.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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This is a very well written chapter. The storyline flows well and is easy to follow. The dialogue is good and flows naturally. It is well edited and easy to read.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bookishfabler
Wow, this was a whirlwind of fun. Couldn't she have just shot him in the leg as a warning so Steven could get the gun and advantage? I guess her dad was a really bad man. I didn't read the beginning, came in later.
Leya removed her shoes as she walked up the basement stairs. In the hall, she saw Derek walk past the kitchen window and knew he was in the backyard. Knowing she needed to hurry, she rushed to Steven's office.
When you read this, knew and knowing stnads out, You probably don't have to using knowing she needed to hurry anyway, she RUSHED says it all.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Wow, this was a whirlwind of fun. Couldn't she have just shot him in the leg as a warning so Steven could get the gun and advantage? I guess her dad was a really bad man. I didn't read the beginning, came in later.
Leya removed her shoes as she walked up the basement stairs. In the hall, she saw Derek walk past the kitchen window and knew he was in the backyard. Knowing she needed to hurry, she rushed to Steven's office.
When you read this, knew and knowing stnads out, You probably don't have to using knowing she needed to hurry anyway, she RUSHED says it all.
hugs
book
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Thank you for the idea. I will take care of that.
