Thieves And Liars
Flash Fiction69 total reviews
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
What a turnaround for the books.
A woman robbing homeless people at gunpoint!
But, it just goes to show how we are conditioned to think -because, I thought it was he who was going to rob her.
Relly well written - I was taken in.
Juliette
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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What a turnaround for the books.
A woman robbing homeless people at gunpoint!
But, it just goes to show how we are conditioned to think -because, I thought it was he who was going to rob her.
Relly well written - I was taken in.
Juliette
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
Comment from RazberryBullet
Whoa! That's a switch!!! So she's robbing the beggars!!!
Liked this line: He waited like a cobra ready to strike the unsuspecting woman. Wait, don't rush. Let her get it out first.
Well done!
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Whoa! That's a switch!!! So she's robbing the beggars!!!
Liked this line: He waited like a cobra ready to strike the unsuspecting woman. Wait, don't rush. Let her get it out first.
Well done!
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
Comment from Jnetgame
Great story and I liked the twist at the end. I never suspected that he was a cop. I don't see anything to change. Good luck.
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Great story and I liked the twist at the end. I never suspected that he was a cop. I don't see anything to change. Good luck.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
Comment from LadyNyx
What a fantastic little twist to your story. Took me by complete surprise which are always the best type of stories in my opinion. Short, sweet and wonderful, I love it. Great job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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What a fantastic little twist to your story. Took me by complete surprise which are always the best type of stories in my opinion. Short, sweet and wonderful, I love it. Great job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
Comment from Annmuma
What a surprise ending!! Very creative, orginal, exciting, a near-perfect piece of flash fiction. I may have just read the winning entry. good luck. ann
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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What a surprise ending!! Very creative, orginal, exciting, a near-perfect piece of flash fiction. I may have just read the winning entry. good luck. ann
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
Comment from fictionwriter
What a great twist on this picture's story. I never would have come up with something like that. I enjoyed every moment. Great job.
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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What a great twist on this picture's story. I never would have come up with something like that. I enjoyed every moment. Great job.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
Comment from Colin Douglas
Excellent! This is a well executed piece of flash fiction. The reader thinks that the woman is about to fall prey to this predator. At this point, we totally sympathize with her. She wants to do what is right and give to this man who desperately needs it and she is about to be punished for this.
Then it's turned around at the last minute.
The only thing I would touch up is the ending. I like subtlety, but I think in this case there should be a clear statement that she was withdrawing a gun from her purse--as close to the end as possible so as not to spoil the surprise.
For example: "Save the tears, darling," he said, kicking away from her hand the gun she had drawn from her purse. "You sure didn't..."
Otherwise, this was perfect.
Colin
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Excellent! This is a well executed piece of flash fiction. The reader thinks that the woman is about to fall prey to this predator. At this point, we totally sympathize with her. She wants to do what is right and give to this man who desperately needs it and she is about to be punished for this.
Then it's turned around at the last minute.
The only thing I would touch up is the ending. I like subtlety, but I think in this case there should be a clear statement that she was withdrawing a gun from her purse--as close to the end as possible so as not to spoil the surprise.
For example: "Save the tears, darling," he said, kicking away from her hand the gun she had drawn from her purse. "You sure didn't..."
Otherwise, this was perfect.
Colin
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
Comment from Scribbelini
Great little tale here. Super twist at the end. I made a couple of subjective comments. I'm not a fluff reviewer and hope your not offended. Loving this one. Good work.
From his vantage point, -- prepositional phrase not really necessary you painted a great picture in the first two sentences.
It's too bad. that's the third not bad and the foreshadowing in the second paragraph is adequate.
Surely I'm not the first person who's passed you by today. Hasn't anyone else taken pity on you?"
I think you're giving away a little too much here and the dialog seems forced. Maybe he notices her eyes as she checks out the bulge in his pocket. Maybe he makes some kind of move to conceal it.
He smiled again. two agains back to back I'd cut this one.
He (picked up her gun) and handed his partner a pair of handcuffs. "Here, these ought to hold her."
first priority get the gun out of range of the perp.
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Great little tale here. Super twist at the end. I made a couple of subjective comments. I'm not a fluff reviewer and hope your not offended. Loving this one. Good work.
From his vantage point, -- prepositional phrase not really necessary you painted a great picture in the first two sentences.
It's too bad. that's the third not bad and the foreshadowing in the second paragraph is adequate.
Surely I'm not the first person who's passed you by today. Hasn't anyone else taken pity on you?"
I think you're giving away a little too much here and the dialog seems forced. Maybe he notices her eyes as she checks out the bulge in his pocket. Maybe he makes some kind of move to conceal it.
He smiled again. two agains back to back I'd cut this one.
He (picked up her gun) and handed his partner a pair of handcuffs. "Here, these ought to hold her."
first priority get the gun out of range of the perp.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you! I think I made the changes you suggested. Much appreciated.
Jani
Comment from another jim
Hey, Janilou! Nice piece of fiction you've written. Your story kept me engaged from start to finish. Very good descriptive prose in your opening paragraphs, and your dialogue felt natural throughout. The ending, of course, was terrific; anyone who says they saw THAT coming is lying! LOL!
Two small suggestions:
In the first sentence, you don't need a comma between cold and iron. (He sat on the cold iron bench...)
You've capitalized the word "ma'am" in at least one place, and not in others. A typo? My sources tell me: no caps.
Well done! Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest...Jim.
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Hey, Janilou! Nice piece of fiction you've written. Your story kept me engaged from start to finish. Very good descriptive prose in your opening paragraphs, and your dialogue felt natural throughout. The ending, of course, was terrific; anyone who says they saw THAT coming is lying! LOL!
Two small suggestions:
In the first sentence, you don't need a comma between cold and iron. (He sat on the cold iron bench...)
You've capitalized the word "ma'am" in at least one place, and not in others. A typo? My sources tell me: no caps.
Well done! Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest...Jim.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your helpful comments.
Jani
Comment from E.P. Thomas
J,
A very interesting flash story. I can't tell you how tired I have become of seeing that photo, but the twist you put on the story line made this a fun read. It may have added more suspense if we had seen the woman actually attempt (or start the attemnpt) to rob him, rather than be told about it in the summary. Nice job. Good luck with the contest. I'm sure it's a winner.
ep
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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J,
A very interesting flash story. I can't tell you how tired I have become of seeing that photo, but the twist you put on the story line made this a fun read. It may have added more suspense if we had seen the woman actually attempt (or start the attemnpt) to rob him, rather than be told about it in the summary. Nice job. Good luck with the contest. I'm sure it's a winner.
ep
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 20-May-2010
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Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.
Jani
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So, did you wind?
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Win? Nope, but that's okay. I sure enjoyed writing the story, and reading all the positive comments. :-)
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Well,nevertheless, you did a great job. I'm not sure how many entries there were, but I read at least four of them, and you were the only writer to approach the assignment (for lack of a better word) from an interesting perspective. Continue to think outside the box and you will write interesting fiction. Best wishes, ep
