Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "Chapter 12; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
76 total reviews
Comment from axelbeariter
Men act stupid when it comes to the woman they love. I need to give Steven some time./Only some men do. Back in '04, I met one who didn't--that's 1804, but still don't generalize---I bet she'll grow another inch while I'm visiting with you."/nice line---He was so angry he threw them on the floor as he left."/Either put a comma after angry or that before he---I knew he'd risk his career for me but still used him/awkward--fix so it reads better---The story is good and you write very well.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
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Men act stupid when it comes to the woman they love. I need to give Steven some time./Only some men do. Back in '04, I met one who didn't--that's 1804, but still don't generalize---I bet she'll grow another inch while I'm visiting with you."/nice line---He was so angry he threw them on the floor as he left."/Either put a comma after angry or that before he---I knew he'd risk his career for me but still used him/awkward--fix so it reads better---The story is good and you write very well.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your review. I will take a look at those areas.
Comment from janna777
Hi, Barbara.
Thank you for your review. I'n new on the site, so I'm still trying to figure things out and meet new people. Along these lines, you're very recognized on this site. Did you ever try to publish, or is this site for fun only?
As for the chapter, it's a bit hard to judge from the middle. I
d love to see the first few chapters. Can one access them here on the site?
My only comment is: the dialog feels a bit dry. Not very conversational. Feels like a few sentences would sound different in real life. Also, id she's a Latina, shouldn't she have more Spanish words in addition to gringo?
But maybe it's only because I come from screenwriting where dialog is essential I feel like that. Maybe fiction is less about dialog.
So I hope you don't mind my four starts only. :)
---janna
PS. My son (only one so far) is going to K next year, so i have a great respect for elementary teachers. :)
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
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Hi, Barbara.
Thank you for your review. I'n new on the site, so I'm still trying to figure things out and meet new people. Along these lines, you're very recognized on this site. Did you ever try to publish, or is this site for fun only?
As for the chapter, it's a bit hard to judge from the middle. I
d love to see the first few chapters. Can one access them here on the site?
My only comment is: the dialog feels a bit dry. Not very conversational. Feels like a few sentences would sound different in real life. Also, id she's a Latina, shouldn't she have more Spanish words in addition to gringo?
But maybe it's only because I come from screenwriting where dialog is essential I feel like that. Maybe fiction is less about dialog.
So I hope you don't mind my four starts only. :)
---janna
PS. My son (only one so far) is going to K next year, so i have a great respect for elementary teachers. :)
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
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Can one access them here on the site? Yes, go to my portfolio and click on this manscript.
she's a Latina, shouldn't she have more Spanish words in addition to gringo? In the beginning of this manscript, I did use Spanish, and got some huge giggs on it, but it will come back at the end when Leya's father is in the scene. Now, for Leya, also at the beginning, it is mentioned that Leya was sent to the States to go to school and she specks perfect English without an accent. All of this is mentiones, once in awhile when Leya wants to make a point she will go into a heavy accent. I hope this helps.
Comment from FredCollingwood
It looks like the personal issues may interfere with the task force. Excellent, Barbara.
He brushed her damp() black() curly hair from her cheek. > add commas
I told him he couldn't annul the marriage() because I wasn't a virgin. > add comma (this explains a lot.)
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
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It looks like the personal issues may interfere with the task force. Excellent, Barbara.
He brushed her damp() black() curly hair from her cheek. > add commas
I told him he couldn't annul the marriage() because I wasn't a virgin. > add comma (this explains a lot.)
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2010
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Thank you and I will take care of those commas. I think I've mentioned before I hate commas.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Very good story, well written, full of emotion and action that keeps you reading. I did not see any spag. I would recommend this book to any romance lover. Good job.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Very good story, well written, full of emotion and action that keeps you reading. I did not see any spag. I would recommend this book to any romance lover. Good job.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind reviews.
Comment from anne1204
Very interesting story, I like the intrigue and romance. The characters are interesting and realistic. Good writing. Anne 1204
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Very interesting story, I like the intrigue and romance. The characters are interesting and realistic. Good writing. Anne 1204
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from wierdgrace
I truly love reading this book, I save to read all at once, late in the evening, as it is a story that you can not put down, it is why you are truly a wonderful writer, You honor me, and teach me as well, thank you for taking time in my books as well, I will keep reading yours.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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I truly love reading this book, I save to read all at once, late in the evening, as it is a story that you can not put down, it is why you are truly a wonderful writer, You honor me, and teach me as well, thank you for taking time in my books as well, I will keep reading yours.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your vote of confidence. I really appreciate your comments and your support.
Comment from Joan E.
You have probably realized that I read and write mostly poetry on FanStory, but I very much enjoy your story telling skill and wanted to try to catch up today with the plot. Thank you for supplying a terrific chapter to satisfy my desire. Your picture choice certainly did capture Leya's loneliness. You have created a wise character in Matt, with his distilled advice regarding Steven: "He'll need time to lick his wounds."
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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You have probably realized that I read and write mostly poetry on FanStory, but I very much enjoy your story telling skill and wanted to try to catch up today with the plot. Thank you for supplying a terrific chapter to satisfy my desire. Your picture choice certainly did capture Leya's loneliness. You have created a wise character in Matt, with his distilled advice regarding Steven: "He'll need time to lick his wounds."
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Matt has been since I created him in my first book. I think will be able to add a special input as we get to know more about these Task Force men. Thank you for your support and the review. I appreciate both.
Comment from dmjones
Hi Barbara, you did a wonderful job of conveying through words the pain Leya is feeling. She was in an awful position before. The dialogue was good and pace excellent.
but still (I) used him." (I think it's okay either way. It just depends on how you want it)
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Hi Barbara, you did a wonderful job of conveying through words the pain Leya is feeling. She was in an awful position before. The dialogue was good and pace excellent.
but still (I) used him." (I think it's okay either way. It just depends on how you want it)
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your review. I will relook that area.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
Oh my, Leya had got herself in a right pickle :) Can't the doctor speak to Steven and confirm she wasn't a virgin? I liked this line
[ Men act stupid when it comes to the woman they love.] - so true lol.
I hope Steven comes to his senses, he is acting foolish. He must have been able to sense their lovemaking was real x
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Oh my, Leya had got herself in a right pickle :) Can't the doctor speak to Steven and confirm she wasn't a virgin? I liked this line
[ Men act stupid when it comes to the woman they love.] - so true lol.
I hope Steven comes to his senses, he is acting foolish. He must have been able to sense their lovemaking was real x
Comment Written 12-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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I agree, but we can't be too hard on STeven, he is after all, only a man. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Excellent chapter, Barbara. Very good way to use the italics here. Your characters--Matt, Steven, and Leya--are as alive as ever. I thought that it was very emotional; which brought more life to every character.
Well done.
Isaiah Ramesses
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Excellent chapter, Barbara. Very good way to use the italics here. Your characters--Matt, Steven, and Leya--are as alive as ever. I thought that it was very emotional; which brought more life to every character.
Well done.
Isaiah Ramesses
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. Someone wrote me a review earlier and told me too get rid of the italics. I was beginning to wonder if they worked. Thank you for your review.
