Dad's Lie
A dumb move.16 total reviews
Comment from Terrilynn
Isn't it always like that? Criminals are really dumb and their egos can't stop them from returning to the scene of the crime. Or making huge confessions by accident. The story was fast-paced and the conversation rippled. Everyone in the room knew Walter's father did the deed. How long could he pretend he didn't!
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Isn't it always like that? Criminals are really dumb and their egos can't stop them from returning to the scene of the crime. Or making huge confessions by accident. The story was fast-paced and the conversation rippled. Everyone in the room knew Walter's father did the deed. How long could he pretend he didn't!
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from M. Karol
Good one. It was fast moving...concluded very well.
got little confused in the end....was there no murder...?
or was that woman Walter's mom....sorry..
Madhvi
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Good one. It was fast moving...concluded very well.
got little confused in the end....was there no murder...?
or was that woman Walter's mom....sorry..
Madhvi
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from wierdgrace
first of all I was drawn to the title, and how well yu dramized the story from the start, the character, Miss greer, and all were great, loved it, no errors I could see, good luck in the contest,
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first of all I was drawn to the title, and how well yu dramized the story from the start, the character, Miss greer, and all were great, loved it, no errors I could see, good luck in the contest,
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from Metal Head
Confusing change in points of view while reading.
The room was quite dark when my partner and I arrived. The story starts off written in the first person, then later. Detective Gannon watched Mr. Thatcher's eyes when he was talking about the red lingerie dress. Third person. Because of this I found it impossible to know which of the two officers was talking.
"I...I'm Scarrred." Small 's' in scarrred
Nothing happens apart from a lot of dialogue. You could do with adding some action. For example the story starts with the detectives meeting young Walter at the door. Then a bit later Walter's father enters the apartment; I thought they were all still standing in the doorway. A bit of a description telling us they had moved inside would do the trick.
"She's dead?"
"Very." Caught me by surprise this, and made me laugh.
The bit I can't quite buy is Walter's father telling the police he heard the glass breaking while in the kitchen. Surely he'd have known this would be impossible.
With a carefull edit and some descriptive narrative this can easily achieve a higher rating.
Michael D
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Confusing change in points of view while reading.
The room was quite dark when my partner and I arrived. The story starts off written in the first person, then later. Detective Gannon watched Mr. Thatcher's eyes when he was talking about the red lingerie dress. Third person. Because of this I found it impossible to know which of the two officers was talking.
"I...I'm Scarrred." Small 's' in scarrred
Nothing happens apart from a lot of dialogue. You could do with adding some action. For example the story starts with the detectives meeting young Walter at the door. Then a bit later Walter's father enters the apartment; I thought they were all still standing in the doorway. A bit of a description telling us they had moved inside would do the trick.
"She's dead?"
"Very." Caught me by surprise this, and made me laugh.
The bit I can't quite buy is Walter's father telling the police he heard the glass breaking while in the kitchen. Surely he'd have known this would be impossible.
With a carefull edit and some descriptive narrative this can easily achieve a higher rating.
Michael D
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
A potentially good storyline, but unfortunately it has a few loose ends. It is never explained how Walter gets into Miss Greer/Green's appartment.
The exact motive for the murder is un clear. Was the father afraid that Miss Greer would tell his wife? If that was the case all he had to do was let her continue to help Walter.
Did he kill Miss Green because of jealousy - possibly, but I would like to have seen this made clearer.
In the last few sentences you refer to Miss Green and Miss Greer. I presume one of the references is a mistake.
Juliette
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A potentially good storyline, but unfortunately it has a few loose ends. It is never explained how Walter gets into Miss Greer/Green's appartment.
The exact motive for the murder is un clear. Was the father afraid that Miss Greer would tell his wife? If that was the case all he had to do was let her continue to help Walter.
Did he kill Miss Green because of jealousy - possibly, but I would like to have seen this made clearer.
In the last few sentences you refer to Miss Green and Miss Greer. I presume one of the references is a mistake.
Juliette
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from BJean
It never pays to venture where one shouldn't explore! Many try to wrangle out of their wrong chosen predictaments, but have to face the consequences. This one even more serious. Well written story that kept my interest. Love, Jean
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It never pays to venture where one shouldn't explore! Many try to wrangle out of their wrong chosen predictaments, but have to face the consequences. This one even more serious. Well written story that kept my interest. Love, Jean
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good flow to the storyline, very dramatic and attention to detail, down to the eyes dilating to indicate the lying. very well written. i wish you luck in the contest
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this is very well written with good flow to the storyline, very dramatic and attention to detail, down to the eyes dilating to indicate the lying. very well written. i wish you luck in the contest
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from missy98writer
Writer,
Very riveting and enjoyable story. It was like I watched an episode of one of my favorite crime dramas either 'Law and Order' or 'Castle,' Excellent characterization. Great narrative. Wonderful descriptive writing. I like the dialogue even the stuttering. Mr Thatcher got caught. Apparently he was sleeping with the neighbor and killed her because she threatened to tell his wife. Your story is a wonderful entry for the use these words in a story writing prompt. How did you find the fitting art work that matched the theme of your story. I'm glad poor Walter wasn't blamed for what his father did.
Missy.
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Writer,
Very riveting and enjoyable story. It was like I watched an episode of one of my favorite crime dramas either 'Law and Order' or 'Castle,' Excellent characterization. Great narrative. Wonderful descriptive writing. I like the dialogue even the stuttering. Mr Thatcher got caught. Apparently he was sleeping with the neighbor and killed her because she threatened to tell his wife. Your story is a wonderful entry for the use these words in a story writing prompt. How did you find the fitting art work that matched the theme of your story. I'm glad poor Walter wasn't blamed for what his father did.
Missy.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from DearlB
The story is well written. However it is hard to believe that the killer would be that dumb. I found only nit:
(Miss Greer's or Miss Green)
Best of luck,
Dearl
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The story is well written. However it is hard to believe that the killer would be that dumb. I found only nit:
(Miss Greer's or Miss Green)
Best of luck,
Dearl
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
Comment from Arkine
I'd think Walter would still be a bit nervous, especially if he's the one that found her body. But, otherwise, I thought it was well written and certainly held my attention. Nice job and good luck! :)
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2010
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I'd think Walter would still be a bit nervous, especially if he's the one that found her body. But, otherwise, I thought it was well written and certainly held my attention. Nice job and good luck! :)
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind comments. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
