Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Chapter 11; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
61 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
Young Virile Steven is up for round three eh? (pun intended haha)
Wow - what in the world is up with Leya's request of the doctor??? Documentation? hmmm... guess I'll have to read further. lol -- great hanger to close out this chapter!
Suggestions:
I'm not certain - but I believe premed should be pre-med.
He kissed her, before he exited the door. (I think 'exited the room' would sound better)
and for selling the 90% pure cocaine inside the U.S. (period after U.S..)
"Before he left, he went to tell Leya that he was leaving.
After Steven kissed her goodbye, she lay in bed until she heard the helicopter leave. She then put on a robe and went to Steven's office." (There are several 'shes' in here - making it a little awkward. Perhaps re-word to (just a suggestion) ... Steven went to tell Leya he was leaving and kissed her goodbye. Leya lay in bed until she heard the helicopter leave, then put on her robe and went to Steven's office.
Nic
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Young Virile Steven is up for round three eh? (pun intended haha)
Wow - what in the world is up with Leya's request of the doctor??? Documentation? hmmm... guess I'll have to read further. lol -- great hanger to close out this chapter!
Suggestions:
I'm not certain - but I believe premed should be pre-med.
He kissed her, before he exited the door. (I think 'exited the room' would sound better)
and for selling the 90% pure cocaine inside the U.S. (period after U.S..)
"Before he left, he went to tell Leya that he was leaving.
After Steven kissed her goodbye, she lay in bed until she heard the helicopter leave. She then put on a robe and went to Steven's office." (There are several 'shes' in here - making it a little awkward. Perhaps re-word to (just a suggestion) ... Steven went to tell Leya he was leaving and kissed her goodbye. Leya lay in bed until she heard the helicopter leave, then put on her robe and went to Steven's office.
Nic
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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HEY!!! Welcome back stranger. I have missed you. Thanks for the review.
Comment from empire76
Interesting post-sex conversation. LOL. I found it mostly sweet but this particular thing Steven said sounded a little odd. Like you were simply trying to give this info out.
-"I'm aware we have a slightly different ethnical background. You're a combination of Spanish and Amerindian. I'm a combination of Irish and German. We were raised with different cultural backgrounds, but I fail to see the problem."
The part I bolded, I think it's something you should say in narration. Like when Leya mentions the difference in colouring, you can mention the contrast in narration before Steven speaks, then you won't have to put it in dialogue - cos it doesn't feel very natural in dialogue.
- While Leya slept, Steven held her.
Just a suggestion here. I wondered what he was feeling here, so I'd recommend adding something before his thoughts. Here's a something I came up with [you'll notice that I've turned most of the thoughts into narration. I've also changes a few things around. These are all just proposed as alternatives you can think of. That's all it is, I hope you don't mind]
While Leya slept, Steven held her. As he listened to the gentle rhythm of her breathing (or heartbeat), worry twisted in his chest. He knew Hector Vegas was planning something. But what? We'll have to be ready for anything. He sighed. I hope Matt can save my job.
- Finally, I thought that last bit with Leya moved too fast. It sounds rushed. I think you need to slow it down a notch. Use the opportunity to give us an idea of her emotional state, for example.
My two cents
Empi
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Interesting post-sex conversation. LOL. I found it mostly sweet but this particular thing Steven said sounded a little odd. Like you were simply trying to give this info out.
-"I'm aware we have a slightly different ethnical background. You're a combination of Spanish and Amerindian. I'm a combination of Irish and German. We were raised with different cultural backgrounds, but I fail to see the problem."
The part I bolded, I think it's something you should say in narration. Like when Leya mentions the difference in colouring, you can mention the contrast in narration before Steven speaks, then you won't have to put it in dialogue - cos it doesn't feel very natural in dialogue.
- While Leya slept, Steven held her.
Just a suggestion here. I wondered what he was feeling here, so I'd recommend adding something before his thoughts. Here's a something I came up with [you'll notice that I've turned most of the thoughts into narration. I've also changes a few things around. These are all just proposed as alternatives you can think of. That's all it is, I hope you don't mind]
While Leya slept, Steven held her. As he listened to the gentle rhythm of her breathing (or heartbeat), worry twisted in his chest. He knew Hector Vegas was planning something. But what? We'll have to be ready for anything. He sighed. I hope Matt can save my job.
- Finally, I thought that last bit with Leya moved too fast. It sounds rushed. I think you need to slow it down a notch. Use the opportunity to give us an idea of her emotional state, for example.
My two cents
Empi
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I will copy your suggestions and relook those areas.
Comment from Mengleoh67
Oh please tell me she isn't going to break his heart and betray him... damn I hate this part of books!!!! It's a good thing I have more chapters to read since I can't turn to the end like I normally would to make sure they end up togehter.
The writing itself is fabulous as always, but now I must read on and find out what the hell she's doing!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
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Oh please tell me she isn't going to break his heart and betray him... damn I hate this part of books!!!! It's a good thing I have more chapters to read since I can't turn to the end like I normally would to make sure they end up togehter.
The writing itself is fabulous as always, but now I must read on and find out what the hell she's doing!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate the support.
Comment from CKLA
Hi Barbara,
Nice little hook at the end of this chapter. What could she possibly be up to? I guess we'll have to wait to see.
After being away for a week it was nice to come back to a new chapter.
Collette
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara,
Nice little hook at the end of this chapter. What could she possibly be up to? I guess we'll have to wait to see.
After being away for a week it was nice to come back to a new chapter.
Collette
Comment Written 31-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from poetknowit
Steven and Leya's happiness with exploring each other as new marriage partners makes good and romantic reading.
The ending leaves me curious as to what Leya is up to. I think I'll read another chapter.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Steven and Leya's happiness with exploring each other as new marriage partners makes good and romantic reading.
The ending leaves me curious as to what Leya is up to. I think I'll read another chapter.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Thank you for our kind review.
Comment from SamanthaD.
Hi Barbara,
This is the first chapter I've read in your book but it had me completely engaged and now I must go back and "catch up". Even though I don't have background knowledge, I still felt that I could know the charcters somewhat- that's good writing. I really enjoyed this!
Love, Samantha
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara,
This is the first chapter I've read in your book but it had me completely engaged and now I must go back and "catch up". Even though I don't have background knowledge, I still felt that I could know the charcters somewhat- that's good writing. I really enjoyed this!
Love, Samantha
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Anna Writes
I just started reading this novel and will be looking for the next chapter. I like the topic and how you have woven two different stories into one. I am starting to get interested in the characters.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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I just started reading this novel and will be looking for the next chapter. I like the topic and how you have woven two different stories into one. I am starting to get interested in the characters.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jayhawk67
Nice, sweet love scene. The openness is good to see but Leya's request to the doctor does raise some concerns. Guess we'll learn more soon.
Good chapter.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Nice, sweet love scene. The openness is good to see but Leya's request to the doctor does raise some concerns. Guess we'll learn more soon.
Good chapter.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Leya gets herself into trouble here. Thank you for your review.
Comment from El.Marjie
Morning Barbara, I just read your story, and found it very readable, and enjoyable. Steven and Leya's interactions were interesting and engaging. However, when I read the following sentence, I stopped.
After she kissed him, they held each other in a loving embrace, which developed into sensuous lovemaking.(Seems too abrupt.)
Then you went on talking about their conversation. The lovemaking sentence seemed out of place, unnecessary. I know it is not unnecessary because of the end of the chapter, but feel like it needs more transition or description. Other than that it was a great story. Hope this is helpful. Best Blessings! Marjie
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reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Morning Barbara, I just read your story, and found it very readable, and enjoyable. Steven and Leya's interactions were interesting and engaging. However, when I read the following sentence, I stopped.
After she kissed him, they held each other in a loving embrace, which developed into sensuous lovemaking.(Seems too abrupt.)
Then you went on talking about their conversation. The lovemaking sentence seemed out of place, unnecessary. I know it is not unnecessary because of the end of the chapter, but feel like it needs more transition or description. Other than that it was a great story. Hope this is helpful. Best Blessings! Marjie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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If you had read my previous chapter you would see why this love making scene can be short and sweet. They made pages of love previously and I don't want to write a book of only love making. Thank you for your review.
Comment from eliz100
This is another well-written chapter, of course. This chapter was a good read from beginning to end. I wonder what Leya needs that for? her father? I guess I will have to wait and see.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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This is another well-written chapter, of course. This chapter was a good read from beginning to end. I wonder what Leya needs that for? her father? I guess I will have to wait and see.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
