Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Chapter 11; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
55 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
Wow! Wow! Wow!
This is HOT!
Sizzle Sizzle
Fabulous chapter. Great descriptions. I read faster and faster and was definitely left satisfied at the end! lol
Great work.
Here are some descriptions I really liked:
The yearning for the forbidden kiss became irresistible.
Their hypnotized bodies gave in to the magnetizing attraction
her flowery sweet scent enticed his senses.
One suggestion:
he stroke even faster. (stroked)
I apologize for getting so far behind -- I'll try to catch up soon. :) I've missed my Steven. (And you of course - but in a different way. Ha Ha)
A very enjoyable (hee hee) and captivating chapter!
Nic
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Wow! Wow! Wow!
This is HOT!
Sizzle Sizzle
Fabulous chapter. Great descriptions. I read faster and faster and was definitely left satisfied at the end! lol
Great work.
Here are some descriptions I really liked:
The yearning for the forbidden kiss became irresistible.
Their hypnotized bodies gave in to the magnetizing attraction
her flowery sweet scent enticed his senses.
One suggestion:
he stroke even faster. (stroked)
I apologize for getting so far behind -- I'll try to catch up soon. :) I've missed my Steven. (And you of course - but in a different way. Ha Ha)
A very enjoyable (hee hee) and captivating chapter!
Nic
Comment Written 03-May-2010
reply by the author on 03-May-2010
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Thank you and I am sure Steven missed you, also.
Comment from empire76
I certainly didn't expect this. But it is nice to see that they two have finally declared their love for each other.
-This view is OK.
You can do without this and still make the point you want to make. Otherwise she sounds snooty and all you want to show is that she's avoiding the question
-As Steven exited the door, he turned and their eyes met.
Okay the way this kiss happens feels a little weird. First off, I don't really feel any serious tension in the room while they are talking and suddenly he looks at her and tension seizes them ... that's a little hard to swallow. Perhaps if you up the tension a little (just my thoughts)
- As the promise of fulfilled love engulfed Steven, his heart pounded.
Nice
-Leya slightly arched her back
Sentences sound better when the adverb is after the verb.
I think this sounds better: Leya arched her back slightly
This isn't the only place you've done this. Here are a couple others:
"I'm afraid you could emotionally hurt me." - ...you could hurt me emotionally."
She carefully chose...: she chose (her words) carefully
-Leya nibbled and massaged Steven's chest, as soft whispers of satisfaction escaped her lips.
Since Steven is still on her nipple, his chest will be around her hip. It is therefore physically impossible for Leya to also be nibbling his chest.
- After he spread her lips, she lay back in the bed and spread her legs.
He's already spread her legs so you should either take that second spreading out or add a qualifier. (...further spread her legs)
Empi
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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I certainly didn't expect this. But it is nice to see that they two have finally declared their love for each other.
-This view is OK.
You can do without this and still make the point you want to make. Otherwise she sounds snooty and all you want to show is that she's avoiding the question
-As Steven exited the door, he turned and their eyes met.
Okay the way this kiss happens feels a little weird. First off, I don't really feel any serious tension in the room while they are talking and suddenly he looks at her and tension seizes them ... that's a little hard to swallow. Perhaps if you up the tension a little (just my thoughts)
- As the promise of fulfilled love engulfed Steven, his heart pounded.
Nice
-Leya slightly arched her back
Sentences sound better when the adverb is after the verb.
I think this sounds better: Leya arched her back slightly
This isn't the only place you've done this. Here are a couple others:
"I'm afraid you could emotionally hurt me." - ...you could hurt me emotionally."
She carefully chose...: she chose (her words) carefully
-Leya nibbled and massaged Steven's chest, as soft whispers of satisfaction escaped her lips.
Since Steven is still on her nipple, his chest will be around her hip. It is therefore physically impossible for Leya to also be nibbling his chest.
- After he spread her lips, she lay back in the bed and spread her legs.
He's already spread her legs so you should either take that second spreading out or add a qualifier. (...further spread her legs)
Empi
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
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I am confused on these because I have been taught that the adverb must come immediately after the verb or if that is not possible then before the verb. That is why I have; "she carefully chose her words." Thank you for her words.
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I'm not saying what you wrote is wrong so if you're more comfortable with that, you should keep it.
However, I know that in cases like this, the verb doesn't stand on it's own, which is why the adverb comes after the purpose of the verb is complete.
e.g ...hurt me emotionally vs hurt emotionally are both correct but mean different things
Anyway, like I said the way you have it is correct. I just thought the other way flows better.
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hurt me emotionally vs hurt emotionally are both correct but mean different things (I have been to write it like emotionally hurt, if you can't put the adverb by the verb)
Comment from Mengleoh67
Oh my! VERY well done! I always love reading scenes like this and the different ways they can be done. I always feel like mine are too intense and I cringe when I post them LOL but this is very nicely done. Erotic without being tacky or gross. Very hot.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
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Oh my! VERY well done! I always love reading scenes like this and the different ways they can be done. I always feel like mine are too intense and I cringe when I post them LOL but this is very nicely done. Erotic without being tacky or gross. Very hot.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I always worry when I write these type of scenes. I want it to be tasteful, yet sensual.
Comment from Heidixoxo
Hi Barbara....Much like your other chapters, this was a great read. You have a unique way of pulling the reader in and hold their attention. Your characters are amazing and feel so real and true. Best of luck to you....xoxo
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara....Much like your other chapters, this was a great read. You have a unique way of pulling the reader in and hold their attention. Your characters are amazing and feel so real and true. Best of luck to you....xoxo
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Frankeddy
I am enjoying the reading,but from where Leya legs touched the bed, to Steven
raising her to unbutton the bra hooks.To me seemed to be a space there____
picked up after on the bed. Very captivating scene.
I am enjoying the story. Keep up the good work.
Frankeddy
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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I am enjoying the reading,but from where Leya legs touched the bed, to Steven
raising her to unbutton the bra hooks.To me seemed to be a space there____
picked up after on the bed. Very captivating scene.
I am enjoying the story. Keep up the good work.
Frankeddy
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I will recheck that area.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
sat in the chair beside the wall.- might I suggest..
sat in the chair that stood against the wall... or simply.
sat in the chair against the wall
This can't happen(,) she needs rest.
She leaned up and kissed him, before she mounted his shaft. "She leaned" sound odd, might you consider....
She came up on her elbow to kiss him before mounting his shaft.
A great chapter, Barbara - an enjoyable read.
Just ignore the suggestions if not in agreement, my friend.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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sat in the chair beside the wall.- might I suggest..
sat in the chair that stood against the wall... or simply.
sat in the chair against the wall
This can't happen(,) she needs rest.
She leaned up and kissed him, before she mounted his shaft. "She leaned" sound odd, might you consider....
She came up on her elbow to kiss him before mounting his shaft.
A great chapter, Barbara - an enjoyable read.
Just ignore the suggestions if not in agreement, my friend.
Margaret.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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I will get on those areas, thank you for your support and kind words.
Comment from RaymondJohn
The name Leya is very interesting when associated to the photo. The eroticism seems tasteful (no pun intended) and I like the characters. I don't know what other comments I can make under the circumstances. Ray.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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The name Leya is very interesting when associated to the photo. The eroticism seems tasteful (no pun intended) and I like the characters. I don't know what other comments I can make under the circumstances. Ray.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from chaswriter
barbara - Whoa. I need to take a cold shower. Very titillating prose here. You would do well as an erotica writer. :) Enjoyed the chapter and am wondering where this is headed.
Some minor spag comments:
"Leya, wait(. )I need to speak with you." - reads better this way
There was a long pause( )before he said,
A moan louder than the rest( )caused Steven to leave her breasts. - don't separate the subject from its verb
"Whoa(, )tiger(. )I knew making love with you would be enjoyable, but you need to rest.
Charlie
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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barbara - Whoa. I need to take a cold shower. Very titillating prose here. You would do well as an erotica writer. :) Enjoyed the chapter and am wondering where this is headed.
Some minor spag comments:
"Leya, wait(. )I need to speak with you." - reads better this way
There was a long pause( )before he said,
A moan louder than the rest( )caused Steven to leave her breasts. - don't separate the subject from its verb
"Whoa(, )tiger(. )I knew making love with you would be enjoyable, but you need to rest.
Charlie
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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I will get on those errors. Thank you for your support and kind reviews.
Comment from Jonez08
Hi barbara, nice chapter and love scene, your chapter starts out smooth and flows well. I listed a few things for your consideration!
When Steven returned to the safe house (from) his meeting, the men had already sat at the table for dinner. Steven searched around the room.
(consider: after)
As the promise of fulfilled love engulfed Steven, his heart pounded.
(to avoid using his name twice in the same sentence consider rephrasing: Steven's heart pounded as the promise of fulfilled love engulfed him.)
When the shirt was even with her breasts, he eased it over her head, slipped his hand under the bra, and fondled her breasts.
(after he fondles her breasts, i think you could show her having some kind of reaction to it. Before moving on to her removing his shirt, a temble, a sigh..just something to bring the reader into what she's experiencing)
Leya moved her leg across (Steven's).
(since you used his name in the sentence before this, I recommend (his).)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Hi barbara, nice chapter and love scene, your chapter starts out smooth and flows well. I listed a few things for your consideration!
When Steven returned to the safe house (from) his meeting, the men had already sat at the table for dinner. Steven searched around the room.
(consider: after)
As the promise of fulfilled love engulfed Steven, his heart pounded.
(to avoid using his name twice in the same sentence consider rephrasing: Steven's heart pounded as the promise of fulfilled love engulfed him.)
When the shirt was even with her breasts, he eased it over her head, slipped his hand under the bra, and fondled her breasts.
(after he fondles her breasts, i think you could show her having some kind of reaction to it. Before moving on to her removing his shirt, a temble, a sigh..just something to bring the reader into what she's experiencing)
Leya moved her leg across (Steven's).
(since you used his name in the sentence before this, I recommend (his).)
Cassandra
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind reviews. I will get on those areas.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I don't think you have to be nervous Barbara, this is a very well written chapter... Flows great and the dialogue natural as usually. The artwork is so beautiful.
This is great!
:)
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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I don't think you have to be nervous Barbara, this is a very well written chapter... Flows great and the dialogue natural as usually. The artwork is so beautiful.
This is great!
:)
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
