Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 " Chapter 10; part three"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
62 total reviews
Comment from Mengleoh67
Excellent excellent excellent! Nice coninuation of the building tension, great character interaction and dialogue. The romance s wonderful but the underlying intrigue remains to carry along the multi-layered storyline.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
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Excellent excellent excellent! Nice coninuation of the building tension, great character interaction and dialogue. The romance s wonderful but the underlying intrigue remains to carry along the multi-layered storyline.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
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Thank you so much for your kind review.
Comment from Savoy8you
nice job writing this chapter and i like to reread it over and over again. keep up the awesome good work and you have very good chapters.
Savoys mom
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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nice job writing this chapter and i like to reread it over and over again. keep up the awesome good work and you have very good chapters.
Savoys mom
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from azwildrosa
if i was paying attention i would have read this one first. even better now that i know somewhat more of what is going on. you have another great read here. i love the pool scene, you made it exciting without it getting exciting. thank you for the great read!
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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if i was paying attention i would have read this one first. even better now that i know somewhat more of what is going on. you have another great read here. i love the pool scene, you made it exciting without it getting exciting. thank you for the great read!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Katiesherrill
I love the game in the pool. The dialogue between everyone and the playful tone was very fun to read. Another great chapter. Good job.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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I love the game in the pool. The dialogue between everyone and the playful tone was very fun to read. Another great chapter. Good job.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from --Turtle.
I found this romance enjoyable. Not many points made me pause, as the action and interactions seemed overall sound. The dialog is very easy to read (except for one phrase which I didn't understand)
*****
An unusual silence pervaded the house as Leya returned the tray to the kitchen. When she searched the house and found no one, she began worrying.
(double using house here didn't flow as well as the rest I read above)
"The chain link fence surrounding the property is linked into these security monitors." He pointed to the screens.
(double using the word link in these sentences, reconsider)
He timed the call for insurance against it being traced.
(for insurance against, might be awkwardly phrased... there may be a cleaner way. Not sure what though)
*****
When Leya opened the door to the pool area, her eyes stared at Steven as he climbed from the pool and walked toward her. Leya(She) released a deep breath as the water dripped from his body.
Derek called to Ralph, "Hey(,) ref, we're at a disadvantage.
The guys about you being a distraction, no. (a little confusing to read)
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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I found this romance enjoyable. Not many points made me pause, as the action and interactions seemed overall sound. The dialog is very easy to read (except for one phrase which I didn't understand)
*****
An unusual silence pervaded the house as Leya returned the tray to the kitchen. When she searched the house and found no one, she began worrying.
(double using house here didn't flow as well as the rest I read above)
"The chain link fence surrounding the property is linked into these security monitors." He pointed to the screens.
(double using the word link in these sentences, reconsider)
He timed the call for insurance against it being traced.
(for insurance against, might be awkwardly phrased... there may be a cleaner way. Not sure what though)
*****
When Leya opened the door to the pool area, her eyes stared at Steven as he climbed from the pool and walked toward her. Leya(She) released a deep breath as the water dripped from his body.
Derek called to Ralph, "Hey(,) ref, we're at a disadvantage.
The guys about you being a distraction, no. (a little confusing to read)
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your review. I will take another look at these issure.
Comment from empire76
It's been a fun day for them all, but I bet some action is about to surprise them.
There's something that gives me pause. This thing about her beauty being so distracting ... they talk about it all the time and, I don't know, for me it makes them seem less professional than I'd expect from people in their field of work. Just my thought. Perhaps if this were the first time they were seeing her in something provocative...
The other thing is that the security breach is a serious thing. And Matt seems too good natured about it. I expect him to be worried a little. He should be wondering if someone did it, for example so that bit really didn't work for me
- "It's my favorite. You remembered." Her eyes widened as she accepted the candy.
sequence. I see the action happening before she speaks. her eyes widening is a reaction to seeing the candy, so that has to happen before she speaks.
- In his office, he dialed the number and handed her the receiver.
Start on a new line
-The game was tied 14-14.
14-14 isn't necessary. It's enough to say they drew.
-They did, but I was at (a) disadvantage.
-Sighing, he closed his eyes as the image of her shimm(y)ing out of
Cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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It's been a fun day for them all, but I bet some action is about to surprise them.
There's something that gives me pause. This thing about her beauty being so distracting ... they talk about it all the time and, I don't know, for me it makes them seem less professional than I'd expect from people in their field of work. Just my thought. Perhaps if this were the first time they were seeing her in something provocative...
The other thing is that the security breach is a serious thing. And Matt seems too good natured about it. I expect him to be worried a little. He should be wondering if someone did it, for example so that bit really didn't work for me
- "It's my favorite. You remembered." Her eyes widened as she accepted the candy.
sequence. I see the action happening before she speaks. her eyes widening is a reaction to seeing the candy, so that has to happen before she speaks.
- In his office, he dialed the number and handed her the receiver.
Start on a new line
-The game was tied 14-14.
14-14 isn't necessary. It's enough to say they drew.
-They did, but I was at (a) disadvantage.
-Sighing, he closed his eyes as the image of her shimm(y)ing out of
Cheers
Empi
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your review. I will take care of the issues.
Comment from eliz100
This is another well-written chapter, of course. I enjoyed reading about the volley ball game and the sexual tension keeps it interesting.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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This is another well-written chapter, of course. I enjoyed reading about the volley ball game and the sexual tension keeps it interesting.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from SamanthaD.
I don't tink you need to thank US for reading your story- we should thank YOU for writing it! You have done an excellent job and there are no errors at all. The reading was so interesting that I didn't even notice it being too long. I think it's just perfect! Love, Samantha
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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I don't tink you need to thank US for reading your story- we should thank YOU for writing it! You have done an excellent job and there are no errors at all. The reading was so interesting that I didn't even notice it being too long. I think it's just perfect! Love, Samantha
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Brindle.T
Hello Barbara
Getting back into this reading and reviewing is rather more difficult than I thought, so please forgive this rather bland review which in no way reflects your writing...
I enjoyed this, Leya clearly has the men mesmerised and whether she fully understands the power she has over them will only be revealed in time.
I@ll get back into all this soon I'm sure
Tony
xx
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Hello Barbara
Getting back into this reading and reviewing is rather more difficult than I thought, so please forgive this rather bland review which in no way reflects your writing...
I enjoyed this, Leya clearly has the men mesmerised and whether she fully understands the power she has over them will only be revealed in time.
I@ll get back into all this soon I'm sure
Tony
xx
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Hey, I have missed you. I am sure you have been busy. I hope you're back for awhile. Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara. Sorry I haven't stayed on top of your story better. I will try harder.. was gone for over a month or so, but still . . . You are a fine writer. Your use of imagery and dialogue are superb! Hard to find anything wrong with your work as a matter of fact.
"She came upon an Olympic size pool. Derek, Jim, Bob, and Geoff were playing water volleyball. Leya walked over to Ralph and asked, "What are you doing?" (I felt that he question here was somewhat redundant as it is obvious what he is doing. Perhaps you should say something like . Aren't you supposed to be keeping guard, or something.)
"Once the security system was fixed, Steven sat in his office and stared at the calendar. "I've known Leya for twenty-three days. How could I fall in love with her so fast?" (Good hook for the next chapter, Barbara.)
Good writing...Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Hi, Barbara. Sorry I haven't stayed on top of your story better. I will try harder.. was gone for over a month or so, but still . . . You are a fine writer. Your use of imagery and dialogue are superb! Hard to find anything wrong with your work as a matter of fact.
"She came upon an Olympic size pool. Derek, Jim, Bob, and Geoff were playing water volleyball. Leya walked over to Ralph and asked, "What are you doing?" (I felt that he question here was somewhat redundant as it is obvious what he is doing. Perhaps you should say something like . Aren't you supposed to be keeping guard, or something.)
"Once the security system was fixed, Steven sat in his office and stared at the calendar. "I've known Leya for twenty-three days. How could I fall in love with her so fast?" (Good hook for the next chapter, Barbara.)
Good writing...Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 15-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2010
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Thank you. I have missed you. Glad you are back.
