Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "It Can't Be!"A book of a mixture of stories
61 total reviews
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
I enjoyed reading your story, my friend. It is quite interesting and kept me hooked until the end with your wonderful way you use suspence. There are grammar issues that keep me from awarding a five star:
Will called, "See ya then." Kate looked his way, waved,--Each of these sentences should be its own paragraph as they are two different dialogue/action done by two different characters. You do this throughout the entire story.
Brushing some of the dust away with his hands, they both coughed and choked. This sentence is imballanced because you used a singular and a plural pronoun--HIS hands;THEY both coughed--it should be his hands, HE coughed.
There are several grammar issues that should be revisited throughout this story, mainly POV issues--it switches a lot.
One last thing: At first I thought that Will's parents left him the land until the part where he is thinking: my grandfather's a ghost. Then I'm thinking, "grandfather?" Where did that come from? I feel you should clear up who left the will early on.
Once again, it was a charming story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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I enjoyed reading your story, my friend. It is quite interesting and kept me hooked until the end with your wonderful way you use suspence. There are grammar issues that keep me from awarding a five star:
Will called, "See ya then." Kate looked his way, waved,--Each of these sentences should be its own paragraph as they are two different dialogue/action done by two different characters. You do this throughout the entire story.
Brushing some of the dust away with his hands, they both coughed and choked. This sentence is imballanced because you used a singular and a plural pronoun--HIS hands;THEY both coughed--it should be his hands, HE coughed.
There are several grammar issues that should be revisited throughout this story, mainly POV issues--it switches a lot.
One last thing: At first I thought that Will's parents left him the land until the part where he is thinking: my grandfather's a ghost. Then I'm thinking, "grandfather?" Where did that come from? I feel you should clear up who left the will early on.
Once again, it was a charming story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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El Gato,
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
I looked at it a bit differently than you I guess..Kate had no dialogue, it was just what happened before I wrote 'and then Will walked away.' No need for each sentence to be a different paragraph. I suppose I could have written AS instead of and.
As for him dusting off a table and both of them choking from the dust...it would not be he coughed but they...one person did the action causing two people to react.
In the beginning of the story, I said he was adopted and the letter about the property was from a family he never knew...Maybe that didn't clarify it enough and you could give me some suggestions....
Our different styles lend us to look at things differently, but I appreciate the comments and time. Carol
Comment from pugdogy
excellent job on this one,,,I really liked reading a good old fashioned piece of work with the old house as its center that ends up bringing Will and his birth mother back together,,,good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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excellent job on this one,,,I really liked reading a good old fashioned piece of work with the old house as its center that ends up bringing Will and his birth mother back together,,,good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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pugdogy,
Thank you for the wonderful review. I appreciate you taking the time to read the story. smiles to you, Carol
Comment from L.lora
Carol you are just going to
have to post "tissue needed"
at the beginning of these stories.
Excellent, accomplished writing
and the story does take on a life
of its own. Descriptions are perfect
and the narratives and dialogues are
spot on. There is nothing about this
that I would change or suggest adding.
A most enjoyable read. no nits. Lora
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Carol you are just going to
have to post "tissue needed"
at the beginning of these stories.
Excellent, accomplished writing
and the story does take on a life
of its own. Descriptions are perfect
and the narratives and dialogues are
spot on. There is nothing about this
that I would change or suggest adding.
A most enjoyable read. no nits. Lora
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Lora,
Awesome...I really enjoyed writing this story and it thrills me that so many have enjoyed it so much as well. Thank you for the awesome review and stars. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Alexandra.Obreja
Wow Begin Again, you deserve so muchthe first spot as number one short story writter. The flow was so easy. the best entry so far for the Old house contest!
I wish you good luck!
Best regards,
alex
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Wow Begin Again, you deserve so muchthe first spot as number one short story writter. The flow was so easy. the best entry so far for the Old house contest!
I wish you good luck!
Best regards,
alex
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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Alex,
You are more than generous with your comments and review. I really appreciate the encouragement. smiles to you, Carol
Comment from frazzledauthor
I think this is a really good story. It kept me interested even when I needed to stop reading and do something else. The suspense built to the very end and was resolved in a positive and unexpected way. It is good as a stand alone story and could easily be expanded into more than that, with all of the emotional complexity and the sub-plots. Very good reading.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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I think this is a really good story. It kept me interested even when I needed to stop reading and do something else. The suspense built to the very end and was resolved in a positive and unexpected way. It is good as a stand alone story and could easily be expanded into more than that, with all of the emotional complexity and the sub-plots. Very good reading.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2010
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frazzled,
I am thrilled that you enjoyed the story. I too got wrapped within the characters as I wrote and couldn't stop until it was finished. Awesome comments...Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A most intriguing read, Carol...
the piece so well presented, making
easy to follow... holding the interest
throughout.
closed the door on the past.(")
Well penned, my friend -- all in all, deserving of a six.
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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A most intriguing read, Carol...
the piece so well presented, making
easy to follow... holding the interest
throughout.
closed the door on the past.(")
Well penned, my friend -- all in all, deserving of a six.
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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Margaret
Wow, double wow and awesome besides! I am thrilled to pieces that you enjoyed my story. It simply unfolded by itself and the characters took life while I was writing it. Fantastic when others can feel it as well. Thank you...Smiles, CArol
Comment from Tellis
I definately thought this was a worthwhile read. I'm kind of glad there wasn't a ghost and that he found his real mom. It brought a tear to my eye. Only a really good story does that to me.
Tellis
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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I definately thought this was a worthwhile read. I'm kind of glad there wasn't a ghost and that he found his real mom. It brought a tear to my eye. Only a really good story does that to me.
Tellis
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Tellis,
Thank you so much...My enjoyment of writing is when others really get involved with the characters. OI appreciate your comments so much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Phil Kitom
An excellent heart warming story Carol that
immediately captures the reader and takes
them on a journey of discovery that ends
happily in the end. Well done and good
luck in the contest...
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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An excellent heart warming story Carol that
immediately captures the reader and takes
them on a journey of discovery that ends
happily in the end. Well done and good
luck in the contest...
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Phil,
I really enjoyed writing this one. The characters came alive for me so I am thrilled that it is going over so well. Thank you again for the warm and generous comments. Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have read a lot of short stories for this contest. You're is wonderful. I loved it. The emotion was fantastic. I still have goosebumps. She squeezed his hand and smiled, (period after smiled)
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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I have read a lot of short stories for this contest. You're is wonderful. I loved it. The emotion was fantastic. I still have goosebumps. She squeezed his hand and smiled, (period after smiled)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Barbara,
I can't really say why but this story just came alive in me while I was writing it..almost like Will was telling me his story. Weird, but thrilling at the same time. Glad you enjoyed it and I thank you so much for the generous rating. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Pearl Edwards
What a great read. I was sorry to come to the end of their story, so you did a good job telling this tale. For me it wasn't too long, you put the life and soul of the old house into this story. well done and good luck in the comp.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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What a great read. I was sorry to come to the end of their story, so you did a good job telling this tale. For me it wasn't too long, you put the life and soul of the old house into this story. well done and good luck in the comp.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2010
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Pearl,
Awesome...the story came alive in my mind as I wrote it and I am thrilled I was able to let the reader do the same. Thank you so so much for the generous review. Smiles, Carol
