A Good Idea
A contest entry28 total reviews
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is a one-of-a-kind piece. It tells a great story about novelty with a nice twist that keeps the reader hooked till the very last word. Well done
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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This is a one-of-a-kind piece. It tells a great story about novelty with a nice twist that keeps the reader hooked till the very last word. Well done
Comment Written 23-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Thanks so much for the great review and five star rating. I tried to make the story different so it would hopefully stand out from the other wonderful submissions.
Sandollar
Comment from dragonqueen1983
to be honest i didn't really get the ending but i found the dream bit quite amusing. i also like the picture you used as well as feel like that
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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to be honest i didn't really get the ending but i found the dream bit quite amusing. i also like the picture you used as well as feel like that
Comment Written 23-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Thanks for the great review and stars. At the end, Fenton took the deal the devil offered. Some people may feel like infomercials(also known as paid programming) are a creation of the devil. lol
Glad you like the photo. I thought it said it all.
Sandollar
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
I didn't recognize his name. Is he connected to infomercials, or fictional?
Nice tight story and no wasted words that I could spot.
Roberta
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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I didn't recognize his name. Is he connected to infomercials, or fictional?
Nice tight story and no wasted words that I could spot.
Roberta
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Thanks for your positive review and the great five star rating. No,I made up the whole thing except the information in the author's notes. It was done totally tongue-in-cheek.
Sandollar
Comment from fictionwriter
Well, the devil made him do it, or he chose to do it that way. Infomercials drive me crazy, but others love them. I found this highly entertaining. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Well, the devil made him do it, or he chose to do it that way. Infomercials drive me crazy, but others love them. I found this highly entertaining. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Thanks so much for the great review and the five star rating. Very happy you enjoyed it.
Sandollar
Comment from Alison Williams
An excellent and well written entry into the contest. :)
Nice opening to the story with the paragraph.
Just a few minor things I picked up.
This description wording, sounds a bit awkward and so I wonder if you might find a different word for pitchy? "kitchen and singing in her slightly pitchy voice." - I presume you mean varied, perhaps 'warbled'?
This next half paragraph sound quite wordy and awkward to me, again, it might pay to re-arrange it a bit to cut out some unnecessary words and tighten it up in syntax.
"He swung out of bed, slid his feet into comfortable slippers and went into the kitchen. He stood there for a brief while and watched without her knowing. She sliced strawberries, added some raspberries and blackberries, and put it all into two bowls with a dusting of powdered sugar."
Suggested rewording, e.g. He stood on the threshold of the kitchen watching. She was unknowing of his scrutiny as she prepared breakfast. She sliced strawberries into two bowls, added raspberries and blackberries, and dusted them with powdered sugar. (Obviously, you will word it the way you wish and in your style, and you are welcome to use and adapt my suggestion as well)
"Maybe if you stopped saying creative juices..." she said(,) only half joking.
Oh he is touchy isn't he? Poor man, obviously frustrated by his lack of progress.
Fenton snatched his briefcase and left. [New paragraph] Julie stifled her laughter. He takes himself way too seriously,
And now he was writ (written or even tapped) out, devoid of words. (Writ is not used in the right context here - def: is a formal order under seal, and not a past tense term for write. :)
and your right arm is equally as (delete 'as') useless. I want cash. (Oh what a nice take on a Faustian deal!)
Promptly at ten(,) the buzzer sounded next to Fenton's ear.
A nicely done entry for the competition. With a little bit more editing and cutting away of some excess words, (which will also bring your count down), it is a fantastic story.
Good luck!
Alison
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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An excellent and well written entry into the contest. :)
Nice opening to the story with the paragraph.
Just a few minor things I picked up.
This description wording, sounds a bit awkward and so I wonder if you might find a different word for pitchy? "kitchen and singing in her slightly pitchy voice." - I presume you mean varied, perhaps 'warbled'?
This next half paragraph sound quite wordy and awkward to me, again, it might pay to re-arrange it a bit to cut out some unnecessary words and tighten it up in syntax.
"He swung out of bed, slid his feet into comfortable slippers and went into the kitchen. He stood there for a brief while and watched without her knowing. She sliced strawberries, added some raspberries and blackberries, and put it all into two bowls with a dusting of powdered sugar."
Suggested rewording, e.g. He stood on the threshold of the kitchen watching. She was unknowing of his scrutiny as she prepared breakfast. She sliced strawberries into two bowls, added raspberries and blackberries, and dusted them with powdered sugar. (Obviously, you will word it the way you wish and in your style, and you are welcome to use and adapt my suggestion as well)
"Maybe if you stopped saying creative juices..." she said(,) only half joking.
Oh he is touchy isn't he? Poor man, obviously frustrated by his lack of progress.
Fenton snatched his briefcase and left. [New paragraph] Julie stifled her laughter. He takes himself way too seriously,
And now he was writ (written or even tapped) out, devoid of words. (Writ is not used in the right context here - def: is a formal order under seal, and not a past tense term for write. :)
and your right arm is equally as (delete 'as') useless. I want cash. (Oh what a nice take on a Faustian deal!)
Promptly at ten(,) the buzzer sounded next to Fenton's ear.
A nicely done entry for the competition. With a little bit more editing and cutting away of some excess words, (which will also bring your count down), it is a fantastic story.
Good luck!
Alison
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Thank you for your review.
First, pitchy means (the way I meant it) slightly off key, and dissonant (sharp) to the ear. It's also a Randy Jackson-ism from American Idol. Writ is the past and past perfect of write. It also means what you say too, but it's obvious I didn't mean it that way.
It is the archaic form of the verb in past tense and past perfect tense. This is from Dictionary.com. As for why I used it? It was for dramatic effect. I will re read and remove excess commas if necessary. As for the other suggestions, I feel it would change the casual tone of the piece to use your suggestions.
Thanks for reading.
Sandollar
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now worries, good luck in the contest. :) Cheers, Alison
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oops I mean no worries. Typos.
Comment from patwannabe
Sandollar, I like it. So, tell me, what is an infomercial, really? How is it different from a commercial, better yet, what makes it an infomercial? I'm from another planet.
If you don't tell me, I'll be back to haunt you.
Good story, pat
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Sandollar, I like it. So, tell me, what is an infomercial, really? How is it different from a commercial, better yet, what makes it an infomercial? I'm from another planet.
If you don't tell me, I'll be back to haunt you.
Good story, pat
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Infomercials are the half hour or hour blocks of time used for advertisements for every and anything. They usually occur late at night when television used to sign off in the 50's, 60's and 70's. They (meaning the powers that run the stations) came up with a way to use the dead air.(12AM-8AM). It's also called paid programming. You can sell anything from self help books to acne medicine.
Hope that clears it up.
Thanks so much for the great review and stars.
Sandollar
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Thank you for cluing me in. I learned something. Guess I've never had the TV on after midnight. Don't care for TV except for specials like the Olympics, Rose Parade. I've only had TV for the last year since way back in 1976. It sure has changed. (My husband threw out the TV in '76. He's been gone a little over 3 years now.) pat
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Is that what you call a devil of an idea.
You have painted Fenton as a somewhat driven character, so i suppose it is not surprising that he should come up with something new.
Juliette
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Is that what you call a devil of an idea.
You have painted Fenton as a somewhat driven character, so i suppose it is not surprising that he should come up with something new.
Juliette
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Thank you for reading my story, your positive review and star rating. I was going for something a little different when I wrote the story and his character. I'm happy you enjoyed.
Sandollar
Comment from JudithMarie
We all have to be careful what we focus our minds on. We may get it but not in a way we're not expecting. You told the story well. I like the picture. Some days the mind just doesn't want to cooperate with the right idea. Well written. JudithMarie
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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We all have to be careful what we focus our minds on. We may get it but not in a way we're not expecting. You told the story well. I like the picture. Some days the mind just doesn't want to cooperate with the right idea. Well written. JudithMarie
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Thanks so much for your positive review and five star rating. I'm happy you enjoyed this. I thought the picture was great too. It was just what I needed.
Sandollar
Comment from Gordo
I like how this plays out into a drak comedy of sorts. Very neat, very clever piece of flash fiction. Funny, I was thinking he was going to have some catchy slogan at the end, but instead he pitches a revolutionary idea. Well... at 3am they tend to get a little crazy and hilarious ;) Take care!
Gordo
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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I like how this plays out into a drak comedy of sorts. Very neat, very clever piece of flash fiction. Funny, I was thinking he was going to have some catchy slogan at the end, but instead he pitches a revolutionary idea. Well... at 3am they tend to get a little crazy and hilarious ;) Take care!
Gordo
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Thanks so much for the great review and stars. Glad you enjoyed. You never know. I'm sure a bunch of revolutionary ideas got hatched in the wee hours. LoL.
Sandollar
Comment from lola29
Ooh, this story was so scary-good. I guess we should watch what we wish for and bargain for, because who knows who may show up. Great entry.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Ooh, this story was so scary-good. I guess we should watch what we wish for and bargain for, because who knows who may show up. Great entry.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Thanks so much for your wonderful review and rating. I'm so glad you enjoyed this. It was a fun contest to write for.
Sandollar
