Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Innocently Indecent"A book of a mixture of stories
62 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Well, that's a good piece of real estate he is eyeing. Does he really want Becky to be included in the sale? I do see the beginnings of another story at the end of this one, Carol.
Ralf
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2021
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Well, that's a good piece of real estate he is eyeing. Does he really want Becky to be included in the sale? I do see the beginnings of another story at the end of this one, Carol.
Ralf
Comment Written 18-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2021
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Now this was a bit of fun fluff when I wrote it...can't be serious all the time, now can we?
Smiles, Carol
Comment from dmt1967
(Flu season was at its peak, patients lined the corridors, and staff was at a bare minimum. Having just completed two twelve-hour shifts, her body screamed from exhaustion.) Wearily, she walked toward her car. (What with the peak of flu season, staff being at the bare minimum, completing two twelve-hour shift, no wonder her body ached and she could barley keep her eyes open.) Your way, with the word 'was,' in my opinion was very telling. I think something like this shows. You tell which is better lol. Remember, this is your stories. If you think your way sounds good leave it. This is only one persons opinion lol.
Next stop (was) the bathroom and a warm, relaxing shower. (,) or (She walked towards the bathroom and turned on the shower.)
(Traci was overjoyed by his satisfied expression. This was her first hot lead in months, and she was eager for his opinion.) Again, telling. (Traci grinned and mentally punched the sky. She wanted to know what he thought, this being her first hot lead in months.)
Try to show emotions and refrain from using words like 'was' 'had' and 'then'.
Thank you for sharing and take care. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2021
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(Flu season was at its peak, patients lined the corridors, and staff was at a bare minimum. Having just completed two twelve-hour shifts, her body screamed from exhaustion.) Wearily, she walked toward her car. (What with the peak of flu season, staff being at the bare minimum, completing two twelve-hour shift, no wonder her body ached and she could barley keep her eyes open.) Your way, with the word 'was,' in my opinion was very telling. I think something like this shows. You tell which is better lol. Remember, this is your stories. If you think your way sounds good leave it. This is only one persons opinion lol.
Next stop (was) the bathroom and a warm, relaxing shower. (,) or (She walked towards the bathroom and turned on the shower.)
(Traci was overjoyed by his satisfied expression. This was her first hot lead in months, and she was eager for his opinion.) Again, telling. (Traci grinned and mentally punched the sky. She wanted to know what he thought, this being her first hot lead in months.)
Try to show emotions and refrain from using words like 'was' 'had' and 'then'.
Thank you for sharing and take care. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2021
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Sorry for the delay in answering you back and thanking you! Family is in "active-uphevel" regarding my granddaughter (14) and her second attempt in three weeks to end her life. Her parents are keeping most information quiet so I worry.
This story was a repost from ten years ago and I didn't even read it through so I apologize for the errors you have schooled me on previously... Didn't want you to think I wasn't learning anything.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
And another chuckle for me as I make my way through the long list of postings this morning. I love it, Carol! If it hadn't been a short story, I wouldn't had her be awakened, and a whole new story could have come from it. ha, ha. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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And another chuckle for me as I make my way through the long list of postings this morning. I love it, Carol! If it hadn't been a short story, I wouldn't had her be awakened, and a whole new story could have come from it. ha, ha. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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I often wonder if I should go back to the short stories and turn them into longer ones... A few tempt me for sure. Thanks for the wonderful review. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Now that's the way a fella wants to buy a house, with a bed warmer in place. Of course, where I live, home prices have risen 23% this year alone, which doesn't speak well for bodily incentives. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Now that's the way a fella wants to buy a house, with a bed warmer in place. Of course, where I live, home prices have risen 23% this year alone, which doesn't speak well for bodily incentives. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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i just checked and it says our home prices have increased 36.1% since last year... But Rockford was at a low. People were leaving the area because of jobs, etc. With the end of the pandemic and Amazon coming to our Cargo Airport... everything has escalated. It's good for our town unless you are looking for a house...thank you for being so generous with the stars... I am sure the "bed warmer" intrigued you! Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Susan Newell
This is a nice little story for your anthology, about how accidents and embarrassing things can just happen and how the consequences can be better than one would have suspected. I noticed that you relied heavily on beginning sentences with participles. It's a habit many writers have slipped into, including myself. One time a magazine editor in my writers' group just looked at me and said, "Get rid of every word ending in ING." Once I was really aware of what I was doing, I was able to fix it. Participles also can easily become "dangling."
Note:
Master Bedroom ==> master bedroom
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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This is a nice little story for your anthology, about how accidents and embarrassing things can just happen and how the consequences can be better than one would have suspected. I noticed that you relied heavily on beginning sentences with participles. It's a habit many writers have slipped into, including myself. One time a magazine editor in my writers' group just looked at me and said, "Get rid of every word ending in ING." Once I was really aware of what I was doing, I was able to fix it. Participles also can easily become "dangling."
Note:
Master Bedroom ==> master bedroom
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Written ten years ago can't tell you where or why my head was where it was except that it wasn't a good time.... I just found and joined a new helpful site called ProWritingAid and it goes over all those things...telling me to get rid of them. LOL It's a bossy site!!! But extremely helpful. I thought it might help with the rewrite if I can ever get my first chapter together. I have the basic conversation with Jesse and Sasha McKay... but it needs much more to it.... Always a big thank you to you..... Smiles, Carol
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You are welcome. It's nice to know that I wasn't out on a limb alone. Sometimes efforts to help can be perceived as insults. I know I had a tendency to fall in love with my own words and it took a lot to break that mindset and look at my own writing objectively. I'm looking forward to your new first chapter!
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I never think of you as insulting me... You aren't, are you? LOL Just kidding. I really appreciate all your help. It is difficult to be objective when so many are telling you you are so great... Reality is...sometimes I just get lucky. Smiles, Carol
Comment from karenina
"This was her first hot lead in months..."
Ha! Little did she know just how "hot" it was! What a super duper double entendre'!
It absolutely is an innocently decent themed story!
Classic Carol! Beautifully paced and spot on with a wink!
Karenina
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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"This was her first hot lead in months..."
Ha! Little did she know just how "hot" it was! What a super duper double entendre'!
It absolutely is an innocently decent themed story!
Classic Carol! Beautifully paced and spot on with a wink!
Karenina
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Thanks... I wonder now where some of my ideas came from back then... I wrote some wild and wooly stuff for an old lady. LOL Glad you enjoyed it thought. Smiles and thank you, Carol
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I think you may sleep on occasion? But your brain idles, dreaming up creative plots to thrill and entertain us! Not sure how you do it, but it's impressive!
Hugs--Karenina
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Brilliant! Wickedly clever take on the theme. Delightfully rendered--you nailed the scene and the wry humor of the buyer. I'm surprised you didn't win the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Brilliant! Wickedly clever take on the theme. Delightfully rendered--you nailed the scene and the wry humor of the buyer. I'm surprised you didn't win the contest.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2021
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Thank You, Liz... I am thrilled that you enjoyed my short story. You are so kind and generous with your thoughts. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
You make use of all the sense hear, smell, touch, sight etc. I love the way you write. No wonder you are a top prose writer on here! It is just complicated enough to convey a feeling without feeling forced or cliched. Instead, it is a riveting story and I will look for more of your excellent writing in future. Much enjoyed, and a joy to read. I like that it is in keeping with the concerns and feelings of the times. Well done kindest regards Meia xx
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2021
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You make use of all the sense hear, smell, touch, sight etc. I love the way you write. No wonder you are a top prose writer on here! It is just complicated enough to convey a feeling without feeling forced or cliched. Instead, it is a riveting story and I will look for more of your excellent writing in future. Much enjoyed, and a joy to read. I like that it is in keeping with the concerns and feelings of the times. Well done kindest regards Meia xx
Comment Written 26-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much for your kind words and awesome review, Meia. I am thrilled when someone new stops by to read my post and they enjoy it. I appreciated all your comments. Hope to see you again. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from royowen
I suppose if a female was lying naked on the bed, I'm sure a lot of healthy males would certainly buy the house, chuckle. I liked the witty and very quirky piece of work dear Carol, well done, a beautifully written piece, goo job, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2021
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I suppose if a female was lying naked on the bed, I'm sure a lot of healthy males would certainly buy the house, chuckle. I liked the witty and very quirky piece of work dear Carol, well done, a beautifully written piece, goo job, blessings Roy
Comment Written 26-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2021
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the devil must have been prompting my muse when I wrote this one, Roy. Guess we can have a bit of silly humor now and then. Thanks for the review. Smiles and hugs, Carol
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Heh heh
Comment from SamanthaD.
eXCELLENT! gREAT WRITING. eVEN THOUGH i FIGURED OUT HOW IT WOULD END BEFGORE THE ENDING i STILL SMILED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING! (sorry about the caps!)
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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eXCELLENT! gREAT WRITING. eVEN THOUGH i FIGURED OUT HOW IT WOULD END BEFGORE THE ENDING i STILL SMILED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING! (sorry about the caps!)
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2010
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Samantha,
Yeah, it was impossible to hide the ending...Glad you enjoyed. Smiles to you, Carol
