Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Chapter Eight, part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
56 total reviews
Comment from Mengleoh67
Yayyyyy I hope the wicked witch is truly gone for good, but somehow I'm thinking we'll be hearing from her again before its over.
An excellent chapter! The storyline remains strong; the pace is good with just the perfect combination of information and action. The characters are true to themselves and have good, realistic dialogue and exceptional interactions that help keep the story moving.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Yayyyyy I hope the wicked witch is truly gone for good, but somehow I'm thinking we'll be hearing from her again before its over.
An excellent chapter! The storyline remains strong; the pace is good with just the perfect combination of information and action. The characters are true to themselves and have good, realistic dialogue and exceptional interactions that help keep the story moving.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Thank you so much for the 6 stars. You are right, Peggy isn't completely gone.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another interesting chapter. Man, Peggy really put her job on the line with those comments. I could see if she was closer to the top of the chain of command, but that wasn't bright. Good job.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Another interesting chapter. Man, Peggy really put her job on the line with those comments. I could see if she was closer to the top of the chain of command, but that wasn't bright. Good job.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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No Peggy's agenda is getting in the way of her common sense. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Judith Ann
It really is fun to follow a story like this. I feel like a little mouse in the corner, watching you introduce each new chapter. This is an interesting story, filled with all the emotions of life - even if we aren't all in the midst of a drug lord battle/situation. Again, another very good chapter filled with love, jealousy and loyalty. -Judy
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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It really is fun to follow a story like this. I feel like a little mouse in the corner, watching you introduce each new chapter. This is an interesting story, filled with all the emotions of life - even if we aren't all in the midst of a drug lord battle/situation. Again, another very good chapter filled with love, jealousy and loyalty. -Judy
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your continued support.
Comment from empire76
Good continuation of story. I like where you leave the chapter. You make me look forward to what's next; my guess is he's getting her one of his shirts.
A few things to look at:
- Leya walked from the bathroom and crawled back into bed.
Try to vary your verbs and also use more descriptive words.
When you use generic words like 'walk' 'look' etc you have a harder time getting the reader into the scene. In this particualr case, I can think of a few other words that would give you the variety I'm talking about:
Leya resurfaced from the bathroom and...
- Matt sighed loudly. "Peggy, pack your things.
I may have said this before, but Matt's reaction here is what I've been expecting from Steven. I know Matt's the boss but Steve is supposed to be in charge of this case. He should have asked her to leave a long time ago, because frankly I haven't seen anything positive that Peggy's presence is doing. She's a good tool for you as a writer to create conflict between Leya and Steven, but she also has to be relevant to the story. If for example she has a skill that no one else has, then I can understand why Steven would keep her on the project despite her constant inappropriate behaviour.
- Peggy, you did it now. Matt hates anyone defying him. Not only did you do it, but in front of the team and of someone outside the team. Matt's temper is notorious
This whole thing seems too long for an active thought. I'm the first to tell you mixing in thought is good. I'm thinking something like this might be smoother (just my thoughts)
Peggy, you did it now Matt hated anyone defying him. Not only had Peggy done it, but in front of the team and someone outside the team. Matt's temper was notorious...
In the suggestion only the first sentence is exactly what Steven is thinking. The reason I feel this is better is that, in reality chances are the actual words Steven would think are Peggy, you did it now. Everything else is something he already knows about Matt, so you should mention it for the reader's benefit and not as Steven's active thought.
Empi
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Good continuation of story. I like where you leave the chapter. You make me look forward to what's next; my guess is he's getting her one of his shirts.
A few things to look at:
- Leya walked from the bathroom and crawled back into bed.
Try to vary your verbs and also use more descriptive words.
When you use generic words like 'walk' 'look' etc you have a harder time getting the reader into the scene. In this particualr case, I can think of a few other words that would give you the variety I'm talking about:
Leya resurfaced from the bathroom and...
- Matt sighed loudly. "Peggy, pack your things.
I may have said this before, but Matt's reaction here is what I've been expecting from Steven. I know Matt's the boss but Steve is supposed to be in charge of this case. He should have asked her to leave a long time ago, because frankly I haven't seen anything positive that Peggy's presence is doing. She's a good tool for you as a writer to create conflict between Leya and Steven, but she also has to be relevant to the story. If for example she has a skill that no one else has, then I can understand why Steven would keep her on the project despite her constant inappropriate behaviour.
- Peggy, you did it now. Matt hates anyone defying him. Not only did you do it, but in front of the team and of someone outside the team. Matt's temper is notorious
This whole thing seems too long for an active thought. I'm the first to tell you mixing in thought is good. I'm thinking something like this might be smoother (just my thoughts)
Peggy, you did it now Matt hated anyone defying him. Not only had Peggy done it, but in front of the team and someone outside the team. Matt's temper was notorious...
In the suggestion only the first sentence is exactly what Steven is thinking. The reason I feel this is better is that, in reality chances are the actual words Steven would think are Peggy, you did it now. Everything else is something he already knows about Matt, so you should mention it for the reader's benefit and not as Steven's active thought.
Empi
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I will recheck the thought. I see your point.
Comment from Laidy
I never know the right words to write here because I feel like writing the same thing to every chapter makes me feel robotic. I felt this was a great start to this chapter. I know there will be other parts. I love this story so much. I wish I had it in hardcover already so i can keep reading without having to wait.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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I never know the right words to write here because I feel like writing the same thing to every chapter makes me feel robotic. I felt this was a great start to this chapter. I know there will be other parts. I love this story so much. I wish I had it in hardcover already so i can keep reading without having to wait.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them and the thank you for the 6 stars.
Comment from Freeflyer
Peggy won't give an inch will she? I wonder what Matt said to her. I am sure he will let her stay and I feel that because I don't think this story has finished with Peggy yet.
Keep 'em coming.
Maz.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Peggy won't give an inch will she? I wonder what Matt said to her. I am sure he will let her stay and I feel that because I don't think this story has finished with Peggy yet.
Keep 'em coming.
Maz.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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You are right about not being finished with Peggy, yet, but Matt does remove her from the safe house. Thank you for your review.
Comment from FredCollingwood
I don't see why she can't wear a nice little teddy. I looked but couldn't find anything I could comment on to improve this. Excellent!
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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I don't see why she can't wear a nice little teddy. I looked but couldn't find anything I could comment on to improve this. Excellent!
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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I guess your improvement would be for Leya to wear a lacey teddy in a housefull of men, right? (LOL) Thank you for your review.
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Works for me!
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
This waiting for an episode a week is excruiciating! I like to read my books all at once and it is very hard to have to wait!
Is Leya the leak and is just playing them all for suckers? OR
Is Peggy the leak because she's mad at Steven?
Comment on commas:
I listenn to recorded books all the time and a comma should be used as a breath mark--where you want the reader to take a breath to make sense out of the sentence. There are guides that tell you all the technical reasons but that rule of thumb works well for me. For instance,
"I'm in and have your kitten covered, but you should name him."
Suggestion:
"I'm in, and have your kitten covered but you should name him."
A dash before or after the "but" would work well, too. Makes "you should name him" sound like an afterthought.
Waiting to exhale ... Roberta
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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This waiting for an episode a week is excruiciating! I like to read my books all at once and it is very hard to have to wait!
Is Leya the leak and is just playing them all for suckers? OR
Is Peggy the leak because she's mad at Steven?
Comment on commas:
I listenn to recorded books all the time and a comma should be used as a breath mark--where you want the reader to take a breath to make sense out of the sentence. There are guides that tell you all the technical reasons but that rule of thumb works well for me. For instance,
"I'm in and have your kitten covered, but you should name him."
Suggestion:
"I'm in, and have your kitten covered but you should name him."
A dash before or after the "but" would work well, too. Makes "you should name him" sound like an afterthought.
Waiting to exhale ... Roberta
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I will recheck that comma.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
I've always felt that work interferes far too much with our pleasure pursuits, but there, its the curse of needing to earn a living.
Well written and holds the tension between Ms Peggy and Ms Leya very nicely. I feel almost sorry for Peggy although I suspect she's the mole in this case, as she's now blown her career completely and gained nothing.
Something to try perhaps - try to visualise the house they are in, perhaps modelling it on one you are familiar with. What rooms connect to what? What does the yard look like? Are there fences or hedges? Is it overlooked by the neighbours? Then have a go at describing it in detail.
Good work
Patrick
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Hi Barbara,
I've always felt that work interferes far too much with our pleasure pursuits, but there, its the curse of needing to earn a living.
Well written and holds the tension between Ms Peggy and Ms Leya very nicely. I feel almost sorry for Peggy although I suspect she's the mole in this case, as she's now blown her career completely and gained nothing.
Something to try perhaps - try to visualise the house they are in, perhaps modelling it on one you are familiar with. What rooms connect to what? What does the yard look like? Are there fences or hedges? Is it overlooked by the neighbours? Then have a go at describing it in detail.
Good work
Patrick
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your suggestions. I will try that.
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Hope it helps, its how I work when I need to describe something.
Comment from TimothyGriffin
Good work. The dialog is strong and realistic throughout. It really carries the piece. The confrontation between Matt and Peggy was very well done with Peggy showing her strength by standing up to him.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Good work. The dialog is strong and realistic throughout. It really carries the piece. The confrontation between Matt and Peggy was very well done with Peggy showing her strength by standing up to him.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
