Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Chapter 7; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
54 total reviews
Comment from El.Marjie
Lots of conflict and action in this story. Great job. I did notice a few housekeeping things: When Leya enters the dining room and they talk about the weather and the kitten, I wasn't particularly interested in that. What do you think about just noting that it was quiet until Leya worked up her courage?
Punctuation in "Did you say tried to enter his bed?" should be "Did you say 'tried to enter his bed?'"
Leya glanced in the direction of hearing a chink, chink might be better as: Leya glanced toward the sound of a 'chink-chink' she heard......
Finally, in the BRRRRRRRRRR, BRRR paragraph, If you could develop some inner dialogue it would be stronger, more stirring.
I make these suggestions humbly. I hope they are helpful.
I enjoyed reading your chapter. Congratulations on your accomplishments.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Lots of conflict and action in this story. Great job. I did notice a few housekeeping things: When Leya enters the dining room and they talk about the weather and the kitten, I wasn't particularly interested in that. What do you think about just noting that it was quiet until Leya worked up her courage?
Punctuation in "Did you say tried to enter his bed?" should be "Did you say 'tried to enter his bed?'"
Leya glanced in the direction of hearing a chink, chink might be better as: Leya glanced toward the sound of a 'chink-chink' she heard......
Finally, in the BRRRRRRRRRR, BRRR paragraph, If you could develop some inner dialogue it would be stronger, more stirring.
I make these suggestions humbly. I hope they are helpful.
I enjoyed reading your chapter. Congratulations on your accomplishments.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate them.
Comment from eliz100
This is a well-written chapter, as usual. It kept me reading from beginning to end. The relationship conflict and the shoot out made the chapter go very fast.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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This is a well-written chapter, as usual. It kept me reading from beginning to end. The relationship conflict and the shoot out made the chapter go very fast.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from empire76
A lot of things going on in this chapter. Once again I feel this chapter could definitely use some more detail - emotion and imagery will really enhance the chapter. It would help up connect with Leya here and will make the shoot out better
- Leya studied her eggs, before she asked, "You said tried to enter his bed?" She accented the word 'tried'.
What is she thinking/feeling/hoping
- Jim smiled. "Right! I bet Steven tries convincing himself of that too."
LOL
- "I don't have time to discuss it but I'd guess your family has come to take you back."
In the light of danger I really have trouble believing he'd say all this. He'll probably just say: I'd guess your family has come to take you back.
His rush, and the situation, already convey the fact that he can't stay and chat.
Empi
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
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A lot of things going on in this chapter. Once again I feel this chapter could definitely use some more detail - emotion and imagery will really enhance the chapter. It would help up connect with Leya here and will make the shoot out better
- Leya studied her eggs, before she asked, "You said tried to enter his bed?" She accented the word 'tried'.
What is she thinking/feeling/hoping
- Jim smiled. "Right! I bet Steven tries convincing himself of that too."
LOL
- "I don't have time to discuss it but I'd guess your family has come to take you back."
In the light of danger I really have trouble believing he'd say all this. He'll probably just say: I'd guess your family has come to take you back.
His rush, and the situation, already convey the fact that he can't stay and chat.
Empi
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I will take a second look.
Comment from laurelp
Excellent part 2 of this chapter. I don't know how I missed it because I have been following along. Well done, full of tension. Good read.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Excellent part 2 of this chapter. I don't know how I missed it because I have been following along. Well done, full of tension. Good read.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I think Christmas and New Year's messed us all up.
Comment from jayhawk67
Another good chapter. The interplay between Leya and Peggy keeps ramping up. Good use of the nagging emotions of self doubt that Leya is experiencing. Dialogue helps move the story along.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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Another good chapter. The interplay between Leya and Peggy keeps ramping up. Good use of the nagging emotions of self doubt that Leya is experiencing. Dialogue helps move the story along.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from RebelRose
Wow, lots of excitement in this chapter. I may be wrong but I think I may have guessed how the family found Leya. I am anxiously awaiting the next chapter (on the week-end).
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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Wow, lots of excitement in this chapter. I may be wrong but I think I may have guessed how the family found Leya. I am anxiously awaiting the next chapter (on the week-end).
Comment Written 07-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dragonqueen1983
lol i love it when i read about girls clashing over one man. since this is the first chapter i've read i dont get the whole plot but i'm sure i will once i read the rest. anyway well done
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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lol i love it when i read about girls clashing over one man. since this is the first chapter i've read i dont get the whole plot but i'm sure i will once i read the rest. anyway well done
Comment Written 07-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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I am glad you enjoyed it. I appreciate your review.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Nice to see that the males of the team are beginning to notice Peggy's mistreatment of Leya, and will probably stand up for her more in the future.
It doesn't sound as if the battle with Leya's family is going well for her protectors.
Juliette
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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Nice to see that the males of the team are beginning to notice Peggy's mistreatment of Leya, and will probably stand up for her more in the future.
It doesn't sound as if the battle with Leya's family is going well for her protectors.
Juliette
Comment Written 07-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Mengleoh67
I really love this story and this is an excellent chapter. Fast paced, smooth, strong storyline; exceptional character interaction and dialogue. I can't wait for the next chapter to find out who gave up the safe house... although I have my suspicions!
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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I really love this story and this is an excellent chapter. Fast paced, smooth, strong storyline; exceptional character interaction and dialogue. I can't wait for the next chapter to find out who gave up the safe house... although I have my suspicions!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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I think we all have our suspicions. Thank you for your review.
Comment from BPL76
I liked reading this
I will have to go back to the beginning
to read and understand the plot better
It flows well
Good Job
BPL
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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I liked reading this
I will have to go back to the beginning
to read and understand the plot better
It flows well
Good Job
BPL
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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I don't understand if y ou liked the stroy and it flows well, why did you give me a 4. That confuses me. I don't know what needs to be corrected. Thank you for the review.
