Trailer Trash
a non-fiction experience35 total reviews
Comment from cephira
The story was really interesting. There were a few parts that didn't flow so well and could perhaps flow better if they were revised (the 6th paragraph.) I really liked, "After long enough, people don't even realize they become how they are treated." That is so powerful and true.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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The story was really interesting. There were a few parts that didn't flow so well and could perhaps flow better if they were revised (the 6th paragraph.) I really liked, "After long enough, people don't even realize they become how they are treated." That is so powerful and true.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Thank you, U are right in your comments. I am touched U liked the line U mentioned.
Comment from Shirley B
What a wonderful story. You told it so well. I had so many feelings during this story. I felt rage toward the 'boys; clubs. I felt anger then sympathy for the woman, for the dentist I felt so much pride. This is a well written story. It is so true, our teeth means so much to our self esteem, I hope you make people think with this writing, Shirley
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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What a wonderful story. You told it so well. I had so many feelings during this story. I felt rage toward the 'boys; clubs. I felt anger then sympathy for the woman, for the dentist I felt so much pride. This is a well written story. It is so true, our teeth means so much to our self esteem, I hope you make people think with this writing, Shirley
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Shirley, that was a very nice review. I'll endeavor to write on and improve.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
This is much improved! So glad you put those line breaks in. There are quite a number of typos in the dialog where you have the punctuati9on outside wuotes when it should be inside adn some stray question marks(maybe Eddy?)
An example-
"Yeah", she said, "guess so".
"Yeah," she said. "Guess so."
" Might have been better if he told one of us, eh?"
(no space before Might)
The next day I get(got) a phone call from another friend of mine.
" Have you heard"?
"Habe you heard?"
" Heard what," I say?
"Heard what?" I say.
First review (THREE stars)
Hello Victor, thanks so much for sharing this inspiring story of how you helped the lady with her teeth. You paint a vivid picture of a men's golf club scene, a world I've never had a glimpse into until now. Very well described, with lots of personality in the narrative.
AS this is non-fiction and biographical,I am not sure of the genre's craft, but if it were fiction, I'd urge you not to have such long paragraphs and to use a bit more dialog and less monologue, though monologue suits the story best as a primary style.
Also, you need to separate dialog with line breaks.
You have great internal dialog, but I think it would be a smoother read if you put parenthetical type inner dialog in italics.
A few spag nits-
*Now(comma) Wednesdays are "Men's" day.
*Now(comma) Ted knows I like champagne, so he orders a good bottle. Now(comma) he never does this, and he doesn't drink it
(* Please note- You seem to start too many sentences with the word NOW. the above are a few, but there are a handful more.)
*Well(comma) mostly what comes from this nonsense is he either wants to show you with this golf shot, that he still has it.
*Now Ted knows I like champagne, so he orders a good bottle. Now he never does this, and he doesn't drink it. But she does, so who cares. The whole day (course this could be any other day as well), Ted is reminiscing and talking like he's approaching his golden years.
This part is very choppy and the punctuation seems off to me.
Can I suggest a few changes? Note edited version and compare:
Now, Ted knows I like champagne, so he orders a good bottle. He never does this, so he doesn't drink it, but she does, so who cares? The whole day (course this could be any other day as well) Ted is reminiscing and talking like he's approaching his golden years.
This whole write is a bit wordy in places and densely packed.
I suggest line breaks for new paragraphs in these spots:
-So off we go, Ted, me, Lars, and Tom.
-The whole day (course this could be any other day as well),
-Janie is sipping her champagne wondering what's this all about. I'm enjoying mine, when Tom and Lars have to go.
-See ya. (use quotes "See ya." and consider adding a speech tag)
-Yeah, great day, see ya next week. (use quotes)
-Shortly there after, Ted gets up in a commotion(everything is dramatic with him) and says, "I'll be right back, I forgot to do something".
-Well before you could ask or stop or whatever him, he was out the door.
- So I let it out. Well, I guess Ted was passing you on to me. (use quotes on "Well, I guess Ted was passing you on to me.")
-"Yeah", she said, "guess so". Might have been better if he told one of us, eh? She laughed, but we both knew we were going home alone.
Note---the quotation marks are off. Corrected version:
"Yeah", she said, "guess so. Might have been better if he told one of us, eh?" She laughed, but we both knew we were going home alone.
-I escorted her to her car, and we went our separate ways.
-The next day I get a phone call from another friend of mine. " Have you heard"?
-(")Heard what,(") I say? (LINE BREAK) "Ted's been goin' around the club sayin' he's never done a nicer thing for a guy in his life". (PERIOD INSIDE QUOTES)
The above has lots of typos---edited:
"Heard what," I say?
"Ted's been goin' around the club sayin' he's never done a nicer thing for a guy in his life."
-(")What are you talkin' about,(?)(") I say?(period)
CORRECTED:
"What are you talkin' about?" I say.
-"Well,(") Ted says(,) ("He) he gave over the reins to his long time mistress to you".
-"Excuse me? Oh my god. Where do you want me to start?"
ETC>>>>>
Loved this line-
Hey, hey, you know men never really grow up. But that's what makes us lovable.
While this is a great read, it needs a lot of work--mainly trimming and cleaning up of spag issues, especially pertaining to dialog.
The content is great! So please do not be discouraged by the honest rating for technical flaws.
Enjoyed this enough to spend over an hour reviewing it.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Second review
This is much improved! So glad you put those line breaks in. There are quite a number of typos in the dialog where you have the punctuati9on outside wuotes when it should be inside adn some stray question marks(maybe Eddy?)
An example-
"Yeah", she said, "guess so".
"Yeah," she said. "Guess so."
" Might have been better if he told one of us, eh?"
(no space before Might)
The next day I get(got) a phone call from another friend of mine.
" Have you heard"?
"Habe you heard?"
" Heard what," I say?
"Heard what?" I say.
First review (THREE stars)
Hello Victor, thanks so much for sharing this inspiring story of how you helped the lady with her teeth. You paint a vivid picture of a men's golf club scene, a world I've never had a glimpse into until now. Very well described, with lots of personality in the narrative.
AS this is non-fiction and biographical,I am not sure of the genre's craft, but if it were fiction, I'd urge you not to have such long paragraphs and to use a bit more dialog and less monologue, though monologue suits the story best as a primary style.
Also, you need to separate dialog with line breaks.
You have great internal dialog, but I think it would be a smoother read if you put parenthetical type inner dialog in italics.
A few spag nits-
*Now(comma) Wednesdays are "Men's" day.
*Now(comma) Ted knows I like champagne, so he orders a good bottle. Now(comma) he never does this, and he doesn't drink it
(* Please note- You seem to start too many sentences with the word NOW. the above are a few, but there are a handful more.)
*Well(comma) mostly what comes from this nonsense is he either wants to show you with this golf shot, that he still has it.
*Now Ted knows I like champagne, so he orders a good bottle. Now he never does this, and he doesn't drink it. But she does, so who cares. The whole day (course this could be any other day as well), Ted is reminiscing and talking like he's approaching his golden years.
This part is very choppy and the punctuation seems off to me.
Can I suggest a few changes? Note edited version and compare:
Now, Ted knows I like champagne, so he orders a good bottle. He never does this, so he doesn't drink it, but she does, so who cares? The whole day (course this could be any other day as well) Ted is reminiscing and talking like he's approaching his golden years.
This whole write is a bit wordy in places and densely packed.
I suggest line breaks for new paragraphs in these spots:
-So off we go, Ted, me, Lars, and Tom.
-The whole day (course this could be any other day as well),
-Janie is sipping her champagne wondering what's this all about. I'm enjoying mine, when Tom and Lars have to go.
-See ya. (use quotes "See ya." and consider adding a speech tag)
-Yeah, great day, see ya next week. (use quotes)
-Shortly there after, Ted gets up in a commotion(everything is dramatic with him) and says, "I'll be right back, I forgot to do something".
-Well before you could ask or stop or whatever him, he was out the door.
- So I let it out. Well, I guess Ted was passing you on to me. (use quotes on "Well, I guess Ted was passing you on to me.")
-"Yeah", she said, "guess so". Might have been better if he told one of us, eh? She laughed, but we both knew we were going home alone.
Note---the quotation marks are off. Corrected version:
"Yeah", she said, "guess so. Might have been better if he told one of us, eh?" She laughed, but we both knew we were going home alone.
-I escorted her to her car, and we went our separate ways.
-The next day I get a phone call from another friend of mine. " Have you heard"?
-(")Heard what,(") I say? (LINE BREAK) "Ted's been goin' around the club sayin' he's never done a nicer thing for a guy in his life". (PERIOD INSIDE QUOTES)
The above has lots of typos---edited:
"Heard what," I say?
"Ted's been goin' around the club sayin' he's never done a nicer thing for a guy in his life."
-(")What are you talkin' about,(?)(") I say?(period)
CORRECTED:
"What are you talkin' about?" I say.
-"Well,(") Ted says(,) ("He) he gave over the reins to his long time mistress to you".
-"Excuse me? Oh my god. Where do you want me to start?"
ETC>>>>>
Loved this line-
Hey, hey, you know men never really grow up. But that's what makes us lovable.
While this is a great read, it needs a lot of work--mainly trimming and cleaning up of spag issues, especially pertaining to dialog.
The content is great! So please do not be discouraged by the honest rating for technical flaws.
Enjoyed this enough to spend over an hour reviewing it.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Rama, I sent U a separate note, and thanks. I will work on this.
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Thanks for your kind note---and As I said in PM--happy to take another look when you revise. I will be off line a few days, But if you send me a PM I will get back to it when I return. Goad you find it helpful! :)
Best wishes, rama devi
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
A PROUD MOMENT OF LIVING EXPOSED!
Fantastic, I like it much, obviously for its captivating taletelling force, gift of the gab, live and catchy dialogues, sound introduction automatically leads to middle and personalized conclusive ending. It is well balanced, freely flown, humorously projected while I find the lighter side of living amply. It is a pleasant fast forward and captivating read. A work of word pride of thoughts exposed. An easily matured essay, an endeavour nicely posted.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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A PROUD MOMENT OF LIVING EXPOSED!
Fantastic, I like it much, obviously for its captivating taletelling force, gift of the gab, live and catchy dialogues, sound introduction automatically leads to middle and personalized conclusive ending. It is well balanced, freely flown, humorously projected while I find the lighter side of living amply. It is a pleasant fast forward and captivating read. A work of word pride of thoughts exposed. An easily matured essay, an endeavour nicely posted.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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That was a pretty nice review, and they always help. Thank you.
Comment from wierdgrace
I truly have someone just like this, your character of the story, you told so well, smooth reading, well structure,and great enjoyment to follow such writing. thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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I truly have someone just like this, your character of the story, you told so well, smooth reading, well structure,and great enjoyment to follow such writing. thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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First, I thank you. Secondly, I'll bet many of us wouldn't have to think too hard to find a similar character. That in itself is sad. But I have to tell U; I feel so much better inside on a daily basis, I almost should thank the woman. Regards.
Comment from Diny
WELL NOW Rebel... I read your bio and went in search of your masterpieces...
Well, now, the first thing I noticed is Well... You say Well and Now way too often- Really I can relate I use SO, and Well sometimes too much as well- haha
Second- you have a flare with words and you can keep a reader interested.
I have taken the liberty to copy your chapter into word and look deeper into it.. Here are my notes=
1. Well and Now- Oh I already said that...and SO... too
2. Superfluous words could be deleted repeating the same over in the same sentence is over kill... So after a while, and they know they can trust you, you are brought into the club. = After a while, when they can trust you, you're brought into the club.( a simple you are into the contraction you're and eliminating all the they's - makes a world of difference...)
3. be discarded or ameliorated , - spag = semicolon not comma there;
4. The parenthasis used are cute and appropriattly placed EXCEPT you need a space after each word before using them- I just got bleeped for that one recently!
5. when Billy was doin' the secretary above her office?- sounds like Billy is a girl... which in my case would be pretty kewl but I think you meant HIS office if not you should say the clubhouse reception area or something... gender stuffs a real bi&# h ... ha ha
6. God Damn It Billy- pull your pants on, you're on the tee. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, those were the good old days. This should all be in quotes as it is dialogue- lots of format work throughout...
NOW , Well it looks as though I got caught up in your tale so the rest is a blur...
Your story is astounding and I applaud you for so much more than I can say right now- tear in my eye good- the technicalities of the writing will come in time- but dear man- touche' a fitting moniker indeed! WRITE ON
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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WELL NOW Rebel... I read your bio and went in search of your masterpieces...
Well, now, the first thing I noticed is Well... You say Well and Now way too often- Really I can relate I use SO, and Well sometimes too much as well- haha
Second- you have a flare with words and you can keep a reader interested.
I have taken the liberty to copy your chapter into word and look deeper into it.. Here are my notes=
1. Well and Now- Oh I already said that...and SO... too
2. Superfluous words could be deleted repeating the same over in the same sentence is over kill... So after a while, and they know they can trust you, you are brought into the club. = After a while, when they can trust you, you're brought into the club.( a simple you are into the contraction you're and eliminating all the they's - makes a world of difference...)
3. be discarded or ameliorated , - spag = semicolon not comma there;
4. The parenthasis used are cute and appropriattly placed EXCEPT you need a space after each word before using them- I just got bleeped for that one recently!
5. when Billy was doin' the secretary above her office?- sounds like Billy is a girl... which in my case would be pretty kewl but I think you meant HIS office if not you should say the clubhouse reception area or something... gender stuffs a real bi&# h ... ha ha
6. God Damn It Billy- pull your pants on, you're on the tee. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, those were the good old days. This should all be in quotes as it is dialogue- lots of format work throughout...
NOW , Well it looks as though I got caught up in your tale so the rest is a blur...
Your story is astounding and I applaud you for so much more than I can say right now- tear in my eye good- the technicalities of the writing will come in time- but dear man- touche' a fitting moniker indeed! WRITE ON
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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A very nice review, and (oh it hurts me to say this) probably accurate. (Just a minute). Ok, I'm back. I just want you to know I can take criticism. When I just went away to hurl, it was just a momentary passing (actually more like jetstream) of nausea. See you soon.
Comment from Queenise
You touched on some very important points in your story that made me think a lot about how some people are treated because of some things that are totally out of their control. Everyone deserves a gift,and you really gave her one. Walk in someone else's shoes,it'll change the way you step on others. I loved this story. Especially the happy ending. Blessings. Queenise
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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You touched on some very important points in your story that made me think a lot about how some people are treated because of some things that are totally out of their control. Everyone deserves a gift,and you really gave her one. Walk in someone else's shoes,it'll change the way you step on others. I loved this story. Especially the happy ending. Blessings. Queenise
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Queenise, it's been a while. Thanks for reading. Your review has really touched my heart again, and I thank you for that.
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My pleasure. Blessings. Queenise
Comment from Narvik
Great all-around tale. Had all the ingredients. Humor, pathos, character, and even a moral.
You depicted us men quite accurately, Touche. Loved the down-home humor too and informal style. The mood fit this piece just right.
I haven't golfed in a long time, but I did get a taste of that old boys club. Couldn't have put it any better myself.
Thought maybe long life might need a hyphen
it was about (obvious typo)
I think there were some space-between-words issues, but they could be easily fixed with a re-read.
Very entertaining story.
~ Jack
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Great all-around tale. Had all the ingredients. Humor, pathos, character, and even a moral.
You depicted us men quite accurately, Touche. Loved the down-home humor too and informal style. The mood fit this piece just right.
I haven't golfed in a long time, but I did get a taste of that old boys club. Couldn't have put it any better myself.
Thought maybe long life might need a hyphen
it was about (obvious typo)
I think there were some space-between-words issues, but they could be easily fixed with a re-read.
Very entertaining story.
~ Jack
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Thank you so much Captain.
Comment from FanDan
I liked the vernacular into which you brought the reader, and you did it quickly and evenly. It was a definite plus in appreciating the read. I think it may have gotten the better of you later on in the piece, but it was a positive draw, especially at the beginning.
There are some other points I would like to offer for your consideration:
Right up front you tell us of the M. M. M. Country Club. This is not the place for abbreviations, right at the beginning of the piece. Spell it out, so we know what it is you are talking about. It would have to be something akin to the Y.M.C.A. for us not to expect it to be spelled out.
"Yea, he'd be do on the tee and the boys would holler..."
He'd be "due," not "do." And here also is one of several usages you employ of the word, "yea." I don't think that is the spelling you should use, as its pronunciation is less flexible, and rhymes with hay. The spelling that would fit perhaps better with the vernacular you have established here, would be "yeah." That spelling can be pronounced several ways, but the one that you probably want here has a vowel sound more like the car, Kia, or the word, idea, or perhaps the ending of the proper name, Deliah. I have seen "yea" used by many writers in places where "yeah" would have been my preference, and the pronunciation seemed to call for it. I don't know if the language is in transition toward this spelling of "yeah," but as far as I know, this transition has not yet been accepted by any of the established authorities.
"Turns out we hadn't seen the end of these pass the reigns on episodes."
I know you worked hard to establish this easy-flowing, familiar vernacular, but I think you need the quotation marks to set off "pass the reigns on" from the word, episodes.
"Now it ws about the time, Janie our young-old lady had picked up with one other of our group..."
Don't allow the difficulty in reading text exhibiting a strong vernacular, mess up your proofreading regimen:
"Now it w[a]s about the time..."
"periodon[t]ics"
"Most general dentist[s] do one or more..."
It seemed as thought you did very little proofreading of this piece, or if you did, it got really sloppy. Proofread when you are fresh, not when you are too tired to do it right. And another thing that seemed to indicate that your proofing was inappropriately left to other readers, was the horrendous length of two of your paragraphs. They could very easily be edited down to a more appropriate size. And when they are not, it becomes like a giant flashing neon sign, telling the reader that you didn't want to take the time to proof your work.
"Perhaps you think me too melodramatic, my reader."
I would definitely delete "my reader," as you have worked very hard to establish this close conversational tone and delivery. I think the addition of this draws attention away from the discussion, and toward an observer/observed relationship that does damage to what you have built up so far. You do it again in the next paragraph, and again later still, and each time it came off as a mistake for me. Don't refer to me as your reader if you want me to sympathize with this guy to the extent necessary to feel as though I know him well, and indeed have become like him for the purpose of involvement in the story. That separation from him is unnecessary and, I believe, does damage to your story.
I think you have a great deal of potential with this piece, but to leave so much unpolished, is a crime against your own writing.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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I liked the vernacular into which you brought the reader, and you did it quickly and evenly. It was a definite plus in appreciating the read. I think it may have gotten the better of you later on in the piece, but it was a positive draw, especially at the beginning.
There are some other points I would like to offer for your consideration:
Right up front you tell us of the M. M. M. Country Club. This is not the place for abbreviations, right at the beginning of the piece. Spell it out, so we know what it is you are talking about. It would have to be something akin to the Y.M.C.A. for us not to expect it to be spelled out.
"Yea, he'd be do on the tee and the boys would holler..."
He'd be "due," not "do." And here also is one of several usages you employ of the word, "yea." I don't think that is the spelling you should use, as its pronunciation is less flexible, and rhymes with hay. The spelling that would fit perhaps better with the vernacular you have established here, would be "yeah." That spelling can be pronounced several ways, but the one that you probably want here has a vowel sound more like the car, Kia, or the word, idea, or perhaps the ending of the proper name, Deliah. I have seen "yea" used by many writers in places where "yeah" would have been my preference, and the pronunciation seemed to call for it. I don't know if the language is in transition toward this spelling of "yeah," but as far as I know, this transition has not yet been accepted by any of the established authorities.
"Turns out we hadn't seen the end of these pass the reigns on episodes."
I know you worked hard to establish this easy-flowing, familiar vernacular, but I think you need the quotation marks to set off "pass the reigns on" from the word, episodes.
"Now it ws about the time, Janie our young-old lady had picked up with one other of our group..."
Don't allow the difficulty in reading text exhibiting a strong vernacular, mess up your proofreading regimen:
"Now it w[a]s about the time..."
"periodon[t]ics"
"Most general dentist[s] do one or more..."
It seemed as thought you did very little proofreading of this piece, or if you did, it got really sloppy. Proofread when you are fresh, not when you are too tired to do it right. And another thing that seemed to indicate that your proofing was inappropriately left to other readers, was the horrendous length of two of your paragraphs. They could very easily be edited down to a more appropriate size. And when they are not, it becomes like a giant flashing neon sign, telling the reader that you didn't want to take the time to proof your work.
"Perhaps you think me too melodramatic, my reader."
I would definitely delete "my reader," as you have worked very hard to establish this close conversational tone and delivery. I think the addition of this draws attention away from the discussion, and toward an observer/observed relationship that does damage to what you have built up so far. You do it again in the next paragraph, and again later still, and each time it came off as a mistake for me. Don't refer to me as your reader if you want me to sympathize with this guy to the extent necessary to feel as though I know him well, and indeed have become like him for the purpose of involvement in the story. That separation from him is unnecessary and, I believe, does damage to your story.
I think you have a great deal of potential with this piece, but to leave so much unpolished, is a crime against your own writing.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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I'll take your criticism as I should. Very thorough, knowledgable, and probably right on the mark. I especially appreciate the remarks on "my reader". I think U are right and I wouldn't have thought of it. Also thank you for the "yeah". I do believe U are right here also. As to the paragraphs, I understand. It would be very easy to break them up. I thought my previous paragraphs would be seen as too small, so therefore... I am somewhat surprised that U think they are excessively long, as I have seen often in novels, paragraphs approaching a page. And yes, I posted it at two or three A.M. I couldn't focus anymore. I should have waited and proofed in morning. Thanks.
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I felt a bit guilty just as soon as I hit the button to send off that review. I was probably a little too short and perhaps came off as insulting. Forgive me if that was the case.
The criticism about paragraph length, comes from a time I spent doing work for a newspaper. In that environment, a paragraph of any appreciable length is considered probably too long. I, personally, don't mind long paragraphs, and I rather like long sentences. But both are now generally considered bad form in any context outside of academic circles, legal treatises, or older novels. It is probably part of the general dumbing down of our culture, but is none the less a feature that probably should be acknowledged with at least a nod and a smile.
Again, sorry if I came off as a bit haughty or over-blown with some of the critique. I did think the story had more going for it than against it, and the negatives can easily be addressed.
Thanks for the kind understanding of your reply.
Dan
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No problem. Thank You.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a a very good story. I was worried about it at the beginning of it, but it turned out to be a very wonderful story. Don't worry about the beginning, because I doubt there's any other way to start it and have the same impact at the end.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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This is a a very good story. I was worried about it at the beginning of it, but it turned out to be a very wonderful story. Don't worry about the beginning, because I doubt there's any other way to start it and have the same impact at the end.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Barbara, as always I appreciate your comments. I still need to correct some minor spags, but I was too tired to do it last night.
