Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Chapter 7; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
44 total reviews
Comment from empire76
The story is coming along well. The pieces are there's good continuity. This chapter, more than a few others, feels like the bare bones of the story. You could really use some more imagery. Emotion is another thing that's missing. We see the actions but what are they feeling and thinking?
- "What's got into you?"
Firstly, don't Americans say 'gotten'?
Secondly, is there a reason he repeats this
- I've told you before(,) my personal life is none of your business."
- Leya was right. Peggy thinks she's in love with me.
Duh! LOL
Barbara, it seems to me Peggy's insubordination has gone on too long without consequence. In real life I am sure she wouldn't get away with it. She might have had to answer to some board or something. Frankly it makes Steven appear incompetent.
Might be worth giving a thought to that
- Steven stopped her from falling to the ground. "You all right?"
This could be soo much more. First, try to be more descriptive about his action. Did he do it on instinct? Did he enjoy the feel of her in his arms after he caught her? How was his voice when he spoke. Draw us into the moment.
- Her cheeks turned pink.
You used the exact same description a few lines earlier. Try to vary. And be more descriptive.
Cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
   |
The story is coming along well. The pieces are there's good continuity. This chapter, more than a few others, feels like the bare bones of the story. You could really use some more imagery. Emotion is another thing that's missing. We see the actions but what are they feeling and thinking?
- "What's got into you?"
Firstly, don't Americans say 'gotten'?
Secondly, is there a reason he repeats this
- I've told you before(,) my personal life is none of your business."
- Leya was right. Peggy thinks she's in love with me.
Duh! LOL
Barbara, it seems to me Peggy's insubordination has gone on too long without consequence. In real life I am sure she wouldn't get away with it. She might have had to answer to some board or something. Frankly it makes Steven appear incompetent.
Might be worth giving a thought to that
- Steven stopped her from falling to the ground. "You all right?"
This could be soo much more. First, try to be more descriptive about his action. Did he do it on instinct? Did he enjoy the feel of her in his arms after he caught her? How was his voice when he spoke. Draw us into the moment.
- Her cheeks turned pink.
You used the exact same description a few lines earlier. Try to vary. And be more descriptive.
Cheers
Empi
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for your review. I will check these suggestions out.
Comment from Nicnac
You've done a fabulous job of creating a villain, Barbara. I want to rip Peggy's hair out! lol
Peggy is jealous, insecure and deluded. Certainly not what Steven needs. I'm glad he didn't fall into her trap. (pun intended haha)
I'd love to see Leya give Peggy a what-for!
Loved this chapter. :) Glad to be catching up. I've missed Steven. Oh - he looked good working out by the way. ;)
Nic
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
|
You've done a fabulous job of creating a villain, Barbara. I want to rip Peggy's hair out! lol
Peggy is jealous, insecure and deluded. Certainly not what Steven needs. I'm glad he didn't fall into her trap. (pun intended haha)
I'd love to see Leya give Peggy a what-for!
Loved this chapter. :) Glad to be catching up. I've missed Steven. Oh - he looked good working out by the way. ;)
Nic
Comment Written 04-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
-
I am sure he did. He even took time off to help lady. Wow, Thank you for your continued support.
Comment from Laidy
this was a very short chapter but it makes way for the next chapter to break through and give us readers something to think about. great write
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
|
this was a very short chapter but it makes way for the next chapter to break through and give us readers something to think about. great write
Comment Written 04-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for your review.
Comment from sgalletti
Hi Barbara! Well...Peggy is a whole lot of trouble! What a seductress and pain in the neck! Quite erotic are the scenes she initiates, miss drama queen. And Leya--I can't believe she is anything but wonderful, definitely not a serial killer. So, what does Peggy have for proof? Poor Steven. He's almost like the manager of a circus. I feel for him. Looking forward to what comes next. Sue
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
|
Hi Barbara! Well...Peggy is a whole lot of trouble! What a seductress and pain in the neck! Quite erotic are the scenes she initiates, miss drama queen. And Leya--I can't believe she is anything but wonderful, definitely not a serial killer. So, what does Peggy have for proof? Poor Steven. He's almost like the manager of a circus. I feel for him. Looking forward to what comes next. Sue
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for your continued support and the review.
Comment from misscookie
Wow imust say this is a very interesting story and you had my attention from the beginning to the last word
There was never a dull moment.
this is a good write.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
|
Wow imust say this is a very interesting story and you had my attention from the beginning to the last word
There was never a dull moment.
this is a good write.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from anabelle
This should be entered in the 'love hath no fury like a woman scorned' contest.
It's certainly shaping up like one.
Good chapter. Thanks.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
|
This should be entered in the 'love hath no fury like a woman scorned' contest.
It's certainly shaping up like one.
Good chapter. Thanks.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
-
I never thought about that. Peggy is a pain. Thank you for your review.
-
Thank you for your review.
-
You're welcome. :-)
Comment from Writeaway...
You really do have a talent for writing barbara, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, you certainly left me wondering what's going to happen next,keep writing and a happy new year to you to!!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
|
You really do have a talent for writing barbara, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, you certainly left me wondering what's going to happen next,keep writing and a happy new year to you to!!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from wierdgrace
Once again another wonderful chapter of your book, this chapter read so smoothly and felt easy to follow with your characters at a late time of night, I already enjoy this book, again well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
|
Once again another wonderful chapter of your book, this chapter read so smoothly and felt easy to follow with your characters at a late time of night, I already enjoy this book, again well done.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for your wonderful review.
Comment from Belinda
Happy New Year to you too, Barbara. This chapter shows why Peggy is so hateful towards Leya. She is doing everythis she can to discredit her and claim Steven. I'm relieved Steven can control himself. Interesting chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
|
Happy New Year to you too, Barbara. This chapter shows why Peggy is so hateful towards Leya. She is doing everythis she can to discredit her and claim Steven. I'm relieved Steven can control himself. Interesting chapter.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review an continued support.
Comment from Narvik
Nicely erotic without getting raunchy. I liked that slap in the face in the beginning. It gives the reader a figurative slap in the face to keep their attention.
The last line of Peggy's is a good hook for the next chapters. It's troubling to think what such a woman might do, so I want to find out.
Very good chapter.
~ Jack
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
|
Nicely erotic without getting raunchy. I liked that slap in the face in the beginning. It gives the reader a figurative slap in the face to keep their attention.
The last line of Peggy's is a good hook for the next chapters. It's troubling to think what such a woman might do, so I want to find out.
Very good chapter.
~ Jack
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Peggy has a few things up her sleeve. Thank you for your review.
