Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Chapter 6; part4"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
52 total reviews
Comment from Summer Falls
Oh, Geez, you are giving Galeron a run for his money. Steven is a sweetheart. I adored this chapter. The wedding photos were a nice touch.
Again, Barb, you have made me swoon.
Summer
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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Oh, Geez, you are giving Galeron a run for his money. Steven is a sweetheart. I adored this chapter. The wedding photos were a nice touch.
Again, Barb, you have made me swoon.
Summer
Comment Written 27-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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You are too much. Galeron is still my hero. Thank you for popping your head in.
Comment from empire76
-Good friends are hard to find."
True but Peggy isn't showing herself to be a friend at all
-She's not worth losing what we have
Again, I have to ask: What is it exactly that they have, coz so far Peggy's behaviour is just bitchy
- a platinum wedding band on her left ring finger
Do you need to say, left ring finger? That's naturally where a wedding band would go so you may want to say something else. At the simplest you can say: ...wedding band on her finger.
- A few minutes later, Leya answered the door and stared at Steven standing there.
Is there a reason why you've separated this from the previous scene?
- "And thank you for being a gentleman and knowing when to leave. I couldn't do that right now."
How about showing some tension before this. She's saying the words but i'm not feeling that tension that should precede this.
PS. You're using the word 'stare' quite a bit in the story. Try to vary it and be more descriptive.
Empi
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
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-Good friends are hard to find."
True but Peggy isn't showing herself to be a friend at all
-She's not worth losing what we have
Again, I have to ask: What is it exactly that they have, coz so far Peggy's behaviour is just bitchy
- a platinum wedding band on her left ring finger
Do you need to say, left ring finger? That's naturally where a wedding band would go so you may want to say something else. At the simplest you can say: ...wedding band on her finger.
- A few minutes later, Leya answered the door and stared at Steven standing there.
Is there a reason why you've separated this from the previous scene?
- "And thank you for being a gentleman and knowing when to leave. I couldn't do that right now."
How about showing some tension before this. She's saying the words but i'm not feeling that tension that should precede this.
PS. You're using the word 'stare' quite a bit in the story. Try to vary it and be more descriptive.
Empi
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
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I will recheck those issues. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Nicnac
No Steven! Don't leave! haha
I like the playfulness these two share. Steven is a sweetheart to get her the ring, clothing and photos. I think things are going to get steamy during their work out tomorrow.
Loved this chapter.
Nic
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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No Steven! Don't leave! haha
I like the playfulness these two share. Steven is a sweetheart to get her the ring, clothing and photos. I think things are going to get steamy during their work out tomorrow.
Loved this chapter.
Nic
Comment Written 04-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Things do get steamy, but not for awhile.
Comment from womanwriter
I kinda got mixed signals here. He married her to protect her from an 'arranged' marriage - this made me think that I was going to read a story that was either in a different time or perhaps on a different planet. Especially considering that the name of the agency is Task Force - sounds sci-fi for FBI. but when the blue jeans and t-shirts came out of the bag I was pulled back to the present. Don't know if this helps you in any way - especially since I have only read this one section of a chapter at this point, but I hope it does.
Sincerely,
womanwriter
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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I kinda got mixed signals here. He married her to protect her from an 'arranged' marriage - this made me think that I was going to read a story that was either in a different time or perhaps on a different planet. Especially considering that the name of the agency is Task Force - sounds sci-fi for FBI. but when the blue jeans and t-shirts came out of the bag I was pulled back to the present. Don't know if this helps you in any way - especially since I have only read this one section of a chapter at this point, but I hope it does.
Sincerely,
womanwriter
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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I think if you had read this manuscript from the beginning it would all make sense. Thank you for your review.
Comment from joelh605
I've visited this a few times, and it's seemed almost telegraphically simple - I didn't know how to critique it. But this one is a cut above; you're letting us see Leya evolve away from the "controlling kitten" persona, and putting Steven into a bind with Peggy - who, whether or not anyone knows it, does depend on him being personally available in her emotional space.
Best regards,
Gil
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As Steven rubbed the back of his neck and gulped loudly, he turned his head searching around the room. He saw the four bags and envelope he'd dropped beside the door earlier. "Why didn't you open the bags? I left them for you?"
That last question mark should be a period - he's not asking whether he left them, after all.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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I've visited this a few times, and it's seemed almost telegraphically simple - I didn't know how to critique it. But this one is a cut above; you're letting us see Leya evolve away from the "controlling kitten" persona, and putting Steven into a bind with Peggy - who, whether or not anyone knows it, does depend on him being personally available in her emotional space.
Best regards,
Gil
=-=-=
As Steven rubbed the back of his neck and gulped loudly, he turned his head searching around the room. He saw the four bags and envelope he'd dropped beside the door earlier. "Why didn't you open the bags? I left them for you?"
That last question mark should be a period - he's not asking whether he left them, after all.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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You are so right and the only person who caught that. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Freeflyer
I am pleased that these two have got to this stage. They really do need to give their feelings a chance. Let us just hope that Leya is all she says she is and then there will be a happy ending, I am sure. Great writing.
maz.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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I am pleased that these two have got to this stage. They really do need to give their feelings a chance. Let us just hope that Leya is all she says she is and then there will be a happy ending, I am sure. Great writing.
maz.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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I hope so too. Thank you for your kind review,
Comment from Queenise
What a beautiful and engaging chapter. It's enchanting and catches you off guard. There is so much emotion between the two Steven and Leya that it leaps off the page. I love it. Blessings. Would definitely recommend. Queenise
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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What a beautiful and engaging chapter. It's enchanting and catches you off guard. There is so much emotion between the two Steven and Leya that it leaps off the page. I love it. Blessings. Would definitely recommend. Queenise
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Thank you again. I hope you continue to read and I don't let you down.
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I will continue to read. When will next chapter be ready? Queenise
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It's ready now, but I don't have enough pumps to post and....I might just wait until the new year to start new ratings. I was going to post yesterday, then did the poem, instead, not sure that this poetry stuff is a good idea.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is another nice chapter of this captivating book. I will very much like to know what became of this fake marriage. I like the twists in between. kudos
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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This is another nice chapter of this captivating book. I will very much like to know what became of this fake marriage. I like the twists in between. kudos
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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This poor marriage has more problems to content with. I appeciate your review.
Comment from mjfande
This was an excellent continuation of the last post. Leya and Steven seem to be progressing very realistically. It really brings the reader into the story.
I did not notice any needed revisions.
Good luck in your writing.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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This was an excellent continuation of the last post. Leya and Steven seem to be progressing very realistically. It really brings the reader into the story.
I did not notice any needed revisions.
Good luck in your writing.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from laurelp
Great portion of the chapter. I find their budding romance and lust for each other to be really well written. Very good job. Thank you.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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Great portion of the chapter. I find their budding romance and lust for each other to be really well written. Very good job. Thank you.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind words.
