Comment from mumsyone

Excellent

Hi Alvin,

After reading this, I read a few of the reviews. I have to agree with the reviewer who said that Tommy's thoughts would be better in present tense. Otherwise, it's a well-written story with a happy ending.

Lois

 Comment Written 12-May-2013

Comment from joan marie

Excellent

I feel strange giving you suggestions, but I had to reread a couple lines because I got lost as to where I was supposed to be. Perhaps more space or asterisks between the line Sure, Honeychild...and the next In the parlor. Since the site doesn't use indentations for paragraph beginnings I got confused for a second. Auntie got a little Obeah going on? Great story. joan marie

 Comment Written 27-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009

I think I fixed the spacing; would you be so kind as to check it if you have the time and inclination? This is going to be a Christmastide gift for my grandnephews, so I want it to be right. I wondered if anyone would understand the Jamaican background of Emma. Thanks for a great review.

reply by joan marie on 27-Dec-2009

I did. But I can't speak for others. Will go take a peek. jm

reply by joan marie on 27-Dec-2009

I didn't see any difference. Maybe the asterisks will show that there is a new conversation in a new room. jm

reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009

I guess I am just too close to it now. The publishers I with whom I work generally frown on the use of asterisks to indicate a change in place or time. I'll let it set overnight. Thanks for all your help.

reply by joan marie on 27-Dec-2009

Don't worry about it. It's probably just me. When you changed location I expected a space. Just what was drilled into my head. Doesn't mean I am right. You tagged the characters well enough that I am probably the only one confused. Long week. It's great the way it is. It will be a great present. joan marie

reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009

The editors I work with want more white space when I change themes. So I understand whence you write. I do want to let this one set. I have lived and breathed it for a few days. Thanks for all your help.

reply by joan marie on 27-Dec-2009

Yeah, I learned about the white space real quick at my first writer's group. Walking away for awhile is the second thing I learned. I am writing a story within a story in three parts and I know I am going to have a bear of a time formatting it. It's about a writer writing a story. The story is in smaller font and indented to stand out from the main text. Evil Eddie better leave me alone. jm

Comment from fionageorge

Good

Hi Al, hope you had an great Christmas. I enjoyed reading this Holiday Story, and loved the characters you developed throughout.
The dialogue is great, and it is a good entry into this contest.

However, I had a problem with Tommy's thought processes throughout the story. These are constantly in past tense, or as if he is thinking about himself through someone else's eyes.

Here are some examples:

It must have been eleven o'clock,(is this thought by Tommy correct? Should it be in present tense? 'It must be eleven o'clock'?

Gosh, could this kid talk! I don't think I spoke that many words in a whole day!
Should that read:
Gosh, can this kid talk! I don't think I speak that many words in a whole day!

and

Was this guy from Mars? Send out for groceries? A cook? Come to think of it, Tommy had never seen this Master Timmy character at school. He was w-e-i-r-d.
Should this read:
Is this guy from Mars? Send out for groceries? A cook? Come to think of it, I have never seen this Master Timmy character at school. He is w-e-i-r-d.

Maybe I am reading this wrong? It just seems to me when you have thought processes, you don't think in past tense. now would you think about yourself by name: 'Tommy had never seen this ....


Warmest regards
Marijke

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 27-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009

For clarification, most of the examples you cite are not past indicative, but subjunctive. There is an omnipresent narrator, but occasionally the reader has insights into Tommy's thoughts. I'll see if I can make that clearer; thanks for your review.

reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009

On the third read after your review (and my first reply), I decided to change some phrases from subjunctive to indicative. If you have the time, would you see if it reads better? This is going to be a Christmastide gift for my grandnephews, so I want it to read correctly.

Comment from honeytree

Excellent

I enjoyed reading and it is amazing how situations change, and having Christmas lunch with his Boss and family would really shock Tommy's father. Their were a few words like (cook could be cooks, may not be proper english but suits this story very well.

Great Writing

Honeytree.

 Comment Written 27-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009

Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.

Comment from Thesis

Excellent

My kind of woman, Emma. She knew how to take charge of a situation that required fairplay and blackmailed the new Mrs. Evans because she had a real upper hand - besides being the right thing to do.

Good one, Alvin. - Thesis

 Comment Written 26-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009

Thanks. For clarification, would you really consider Emma's actions blackmail? I wanted to portray her as a good (and possibly manipulative) negotiator. Also, for clarification, why do you call the matron of the estate the new Mrs. Evans? It was Tommy's, not Timmy's, mother who died. Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it. This will be a Christmastide gift for my grandnephews, so I want to have everything right.

Comment from Kathryn Varuzza

Excellent

I like your story.
A good Christmas story.
I like your characters.
Good dialogue.
Good descriptions.
Good balance between everything.
Nice ending.
Kathryn

 Comment Written 26-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009

Thanks for a good review; I truly appreciate it.

reply by Kathryn Varuzza on 26-Dec-2009

You're welcome.
Kathryn

Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Good Evening Alvin,
well you have a story that kept my interest.
Even the scene of the axing the chicken head off.

I like how you used italic lettering to make a point.
And to me you whole story was very well written.

Gert

 Comment Written 26-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009

Thanks. For clarification, the italics are for interior thought. I worried about the scene with the chicken, but I wanted to illustrate how poor the family was. Thanks for a great review.

reply by Gert sherwood on 26-Dec-2009

You are welcome Alvin,
the chicken part was a norm every Sat. when my mom chased a chicken for our Sunday dinner.
Gert

Comment from el twelve

Excellent

that was absolutely delightful to read. it was well written
flowed smoothly and kept me smiling all along. i just
finished watching the wizard of oz and the good feelings
just kept going, thanks for sharing

 Comment Written 26-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009

Thanks for a great review. I am glad I could keep those good feelings going.

Comment from Luvs2rite4u

Excellent

I was completely mistified at this story. The depth of each word and color you gave to your characters' is the best I have read! I enjoyed this very humbling story very much. As the reader? I could see each boy, and feel the
energy moving in this story. Great Job. Nothing to change. Again, this was a very moving story which moved as gracefully as a swan.

 Comment Written 26-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009

Thanks for an extremely kind review. I appreciate it immensely.

Comment from Begin Again

Excellent

Alvin

Fantastic...Loved the weakness of the wicked rich when they prefer not to lose what is dear to them...Hove superficial can you be...WEll written and certainly an enjoyment to read. I wish you luck in the contest.

Carol

 Comment Written 26-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009

Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it.