Legal Tendencies
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Trial & Goodbyes"Two attorney's fall in love....
30 total reviews
Comment from Mark Nolan
Well done Heidi. this flows evenly and has a good feel to it. Although its a bit sad, one needs to remember that its a story not real life. Well done.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Well done Heidi. this flows evenly and has a good feel to it. Although its a bit sad, one needs to remember that its a story not real life. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Thanks so much Mark, I truly appreciate that a lot............xoxo
Comment from r.voza
this last line is redundant. you can cut "alone" at the end because you've already said it's going to be lonely.
"If not, another lonely start in life for me, alone."
this one - I simply couldn't bare to look at Steven everyday, not right now.
here, "everyday" should be two words. "everyday" as one word is an adjective that describes something that's regular, boring, routine, expected. for example, "brushing my teeth is an everyday event." but if i say, "every day i brush my teeth," then it's two words.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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this last line is redundant. you can cut "alone" at the end because you've already said it's going to be lonely.
"If not, another lonely start in life for me, alone."
this one - I simply couldn't bare to look at Steven everyday, not right now.
here, "everyday" should be two words. "everyday" as one word is an adjective that describes something that's regular, boring, routine, expected. for example, "brushing my teeth is an everyday event." but if i say, "every day i brush my teeth," then it's two words.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Thanks so much....I did nt know that actually so I appreciate that a lot!! xoxo
Comment from tamra_lb
I think you did a great job of establishing the story. You have some tense issues ( a couple I noticed right at the beginning) and a couple of sentences that tend to be wordy or a little long.
This reads more like a short story than an actual chapter because there is no dialogue. Clearly there are some very emotional and important things going on here. It would be great to hear what the characters are really thinking. Good job in you work.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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I think you did a great job of establishing the story. You have some tense issues ( a couple I noticed right at the beginning) and a couple of sentences that tend to be wordy or a little long.
This reads more like a short story than an actual chapter because there is no dialogue. Clearly there are some very emotional and important things going on here. It would be great to hear what the characters are really thinking. Good job in you work.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Thank you.............xoxo
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello Heidixoxo,
This is a very well-written chapter. The courtroom scene seems quite realistic. Granted it is very compact, as you alluded to in your notes.
I get the impression from the ending that Kim is likely to take Steven back given a clean start in a new place. Interesting. From the various scenes and conversations it seems they both love each other very deeply. Time will tell, I guess.
I found no need for corrections.
Ray
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Hello Heidixoxo,
This is a very well-written chapter. The courtroom scene seems quite realistic. Granted it is very compact, as you alluded to in your notes.
I get the impression from the ending that Kim is likely to take Steven back given a clean start in a new place. Interesting. From the various scenes and conversations it seems they both love each other very deeply. Time will tell, I guess.
I found no need for corrections.
Ray
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for your comment and high rating. I truly appreciate that a lot!!!! xoxo
Comment from TimothyGriffin
Nice work. I really liked the emotion shown by Kim throughout the chapter. Text like, "What I really wanted to do was jump into his arms and pretend as if none of this ever happened, but I couldn't" do a good job of showing the struggling duality within Kim. She could just ignore what happened and forgive Steven, but she goes with her principles and stands firm instead of backsliding and taking him back. Also, your showing of the duality gives a nice touch of realism to this work.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Nice work. I really liked the emotion shown by Kim throughout the chapter. Text like, "What I really wanted to do was jump into his arms and pretend as if none of this ever happened, but I couldn't" do a good job of showing the struggling duality within Kim. She could just ignore what happened and forgive Steven, but she goes with her principles and stands firm instead of backsliding and taking him back. Also, your showing of the duality gives a nice touch of realism to this work.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much.....I truly appreciate your kind words and rating.......xoxo
Comment from Winslow
Dear Heidi,
This is a good love story, it held my interest with its display of feelings,but you write in passive voice. There is also a lot of SPAG which include mispellings and lack of punctuation. I am not a very good grammarian, but maybe another reviewer could help you with this. Inclusion of dialouge would also spice this up.
For example I have made a suggested edit on this section.
The judge asked the defense to stand for the final verdict and after they rose, the judge proceeded. "Mister Sprinkles, you are charged with eight counts of rape with intent to cause bodily harm. After some deliberation, the court finds you guilty on all charges. You are hereby sentenced to life in pr{i}son without the possibilty of parole. You will remain in custody until your sentence is served. Court is now adjourned."
When I looked in Steven's direction, he stood looking at me with a huge smile on his face. I gave him a thumbs up and headed towards Clarice. I had several urgent things to do, so I dropped her off at home, and continued on my way.
I hope this helps. If you edit this let me know and I will review again.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Dear Heidi,
This is a good love story, it held my interest with its display of feelings,but you write in passive voice. There is also a lot of SPAG which include mispellings and lack of punctuation. I am not a very good grammarian, but maybe another reviewer could help you with this. Inclusion of dialouge would also spice this up.
For example I have made a suggested edit on this section.
The judge asked the defense to stand for the final verdict and after they rose, the judge proceeded. "Mister Sprinkles, you are charged with eight counts of rape with intent to cause bodily harm. After some deliberation, the court finds you guilty on all charges. You are hereby sentenced to life in pr{i}son without the possibilty of parole. You will remain in custody until your sentence is served. Court is now adjourned."
When I looked in Steven's direction, he stood looking at me with a huge smile on his face. I gave him a thumbs up and headed towards Clarice. I had several urgent things to do, so I dropped her off at home, and continued on my way.
I hope this helps. If you edit this let me know and I will review again.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your advice and opinions. I truly appreciate that.......a lot.
xoxo
Comment from Lisha L
Ok, I have now caught back up on the story and I finally realize what bothers me about it. THere is almost no dialogue. The characters have no voice. Instead you have narrated almost everything. This would help tremendously in the telling of your story.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Ok, I have now caught back up on the story and I finally realize what bothers me about it. THere is almost no dialogue. The characters have no voice. Instead you have narrated almost everything. This would help tremendously in the telling of your story.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2009
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Thank you......xoxo
Comment from christopherjl
This is a wonderful entry into your novel. I have no suggestions for you at this time so instead I'll just wish you luck with your continued writing. Thanks for sharing, Christopher.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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This is a wonderful entry into your novel. I have no suggestions for you at this time so instead I'll just wish you luck with your continued writing. Thanks for sharing, Christopher.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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thank you so much and I truly appreciate the great comment and review. xoxo
Comment from Thesis
Pretty powerful stuff, Heidi. I like the fact that Kim is sticking to her conviction.
While it's sad, she has every right to walk away. She is a romantic though and I can't help but think the bone head will try to find her. - Thesis
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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Pretty powerful stuff, Heidi. I like the fact that Kim is sticking to her conviction.
While it's sad, she has every right to walk away. She is a romantic though and I can't help but think the bone head will try to find her. - Thesis
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much. Im glad you enjoyed this...stayed tuend for the nexy sequel to come soon.
xoxo
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
I read the story initially, thinking it was a complete story. The fact that it is part of a seriel helps to put this chapter in context.
The story is comprehensive, flows well and although there is not a lot of dialogue, somehow that too seems appropriate at this stage.
Few spags:
'I simply couldn't (bare) bear to look at Steven.'
'All heads turned to see what the (noice) noise was.'
Comment:
'After 'slight' deliberation, the judge...
I think you should change the word 'slight' to 'some' consideration. The word slight would indicate that not proper consideration was given to the verdict.
Juliette
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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I read the story initially, thinking it was a complete story. The fact that it is part of a seriel helps to put this chapter in context.
The story is comprehensive, flows well and although there is not a lot of dialogue, somehow that too seems appropriate at this stage.
Few spags:
'I simply couldn't (bare) bear to look at Steven.'
'All heads turned to see what the (noice) noise was.'
Comment:
'After 'slight' deliberation, the judge...
I think you should change the word 'slight' to 'some' consideration. The word slight would indicate that not proper consideration was given to the verdict.
Juliette
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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Thank you so very much for commenting and your advice. I truly appreciate that a lot....xoxo
