Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Chapter 4 Part 5"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
43 total reviews
Comment from ladybird
A very enjoyable chapter. The descriptive when the task foce were going in for Leyla was good in putting the reader at the scene.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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A very enjoyable chapter. The descriptive when the task foce were going in for Leyla was good in putting the reader at the scene.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from asma khan
Which type of man is Leya's father I couldn't get. Leya
is getting emotional support from Steven I guess. The story is
well descriptive with each character well explained.
Thanks for sharing.
Excellent!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2009
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Which type of man is Leya's father I couldn't get. Leya
is getting emotional support from Steven I guess. The story is
well descriptive with each character well explained.
Thanks for sharing.
Excellent!
Comment Written 15-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2009
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I am not sure of your question. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Billy Morris
Well written. Very well descriptive. What a story this will be. Novel would be fine. As a reviewer the descriptive and words are fine. I do like the words that I need to look up. Well done. Someone else should look at this. No wonder it has been recognized.
Billy
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2009
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Well written. Very well descriptive. What a story this will be. Novel would be fine. As a reviewer the descriptive and words are fine. I do like the words that I need to look up. Well done. Someone else should look at this. No wonder it has been recognized.
Billy
Comment Written 15-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Nicnac
Oh, I'm so happy to be reading about Steven and Leya again. :)
Hector is a soulless man! Having his wife raped and beat - Ugh. This makes me so angry.
I like how the 'distraction' helped the men into the house. :)
My favorite part of this chapter is the gentleness Steven shows Leya. She is such a mess right now - so many emotions are flowing through her mind, and cuddling with Steven, I'm sure, made it a little better.
Suggestions:
Matt said as he lifted his hat, scratched his head, and then replaced the hat. (The repetition of 'hat' stood out to me. Perhaps you could re-word slightly.)
She rubbed the cheek her father had slapped. (You might re-word this too. It has already been stated that her father slapped her cheek, so you might write something like this: She rubbed at the sting her father left on her cheek. - or something to that affect.)
This chapter has really nice imagery. Especially the surveillance of the hacienda. I could see the guards, the camera's and the incident with the truck of chickens... :)
Nice work, my sweet friend. I look forward to reading more.
Nic
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2009
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Oh, I'm so happy to be reading about Steven and Leya again. :)
Hector is a soulless man! Having his wife raped and beat - Ugh. This makes me so angry.
I like how the 'distraction' helped the men into the house. :)
My favorite part of this chapter is the gentleness Steven shows Leya. She is such a mess right now - so many emotions are flowing through her mind, and cuddling with Steven, I'm sure, made it a little better.
Suggestions:
Matt said as he lifted his hat, scratched his head, and then replaced the hat. (The repetition of 'hat' stood out to me. Perhaps you could re-word slightly.)
She rubbed the cheek her father had slapped. (You might re-word this too. It has already been stated that her father slapped her cheek, so you might write something like this: She rubbed at the sting her father left on her cheek. - or something to that affect.)
This chapter has really nice imagery. Especially the surveillance of the hacienda. I could see the guards, the camera's and the incident with the truck of chickens... :)
Nice work, my sweet friend. I look forward to reading more.
Nic
Comment Written 14-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2009
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Thank you, I always wait for you to weigh in to see how I really did. Thank you. I haven't heard from you for awhile. You doing all right?
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Yes, I'm doing well. Thanks! I've just been busy painting my front porch, etc. I'm making use of the pretty days I have left, before it gets cold. lol
Comment from Josipher32
This was another fascinating chapter of your book "Tantalizing Eyes" As long as you keep writing, I'll keep reading! Sincerely, Kristen
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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This was another fascinating chapter of your book "Tantalizing Eyes" As long as you keep writing, I'll keep reading! Sincerely, Kristen
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and continued support.
Comment from nor84
Hello, Barbara. I see a typo in your background material -- secret is misspelled.
I've never heard the mountains referred to as St.Andes, just Andes.
Cameras sit on top of each fence post surveying the area and rotate (rotating )every ten minutes>>> once you use of verb that ends in "ING", you have to finish the sentence with the same verb tense.
I have a recommendation for you, not necessarily for this story:it's always best to have one main character. That way, the reader can experience the scene through his thoughts and his five senses. You may have done that earlier on, but since I'm reading chapter 17, I can't see it. Although I think it's Matt, I'm not getting enough information. I'm seeing things fromthe outside in, instead of being joined with Matt and seeing from the inside out. I don't get his impressions of the other people, his worries, or what he sees, smells, ears, and tastes. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well. I've started writing a lot in first person because it makes it easier to do that, although you do have to avoid constantly saying "I".
Something else I'd like to see is just a tad more description, even this late in the story. When someone scratches his head, is he encountering bristles, or curls?
All in all, the story is good. It just needs more detail, more "showing".
Later on the jet, the men stood at the rear and expressed surprise that no one expected them and compared notes about things they'd seen at the hacienda.>>> This is an example of what I mean. It's a group viewpoint, "the men stood" "they"expressed surprise" -- group viewpoints don't usually work well.
Jack Whyte, a Scots writer, explains this best: your reader is in a dark room, and you have to show him everything. (caution: there can be such a thing as crowding in too much detail-- it's a skill we have to learn to manage.)
With your next story, try to stay with one viewpoint character. It can still be told in past tense.
Generally, a very good job and worthy of five stars.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Hello, Barbara. I see a typo in your background material -- secret is misspelled.
I've never heard the mountains referred to as St.Andes, just Andes.
Cameras sit on top of each fence post surveying the area and rotate (rotating )every ten minutes>>> once you use of verb that ends in "ING", you have to finish the sentence with the same verb tense.
I have a recommendation for you, not necessarily for this story:it's always best to have one main character. That way, the reader can experience the scene through his thoughts and his five senses. You may have done that earlier on, but since I'm reading chapter 17, I can't see it. Although I think it's Matt, I'm not getting enough information. I'm seeing things fromthe outside in, instead of being joined with Matt and seeing from the inside out. I don't get his impressions of the other people, his worries, or what he sees, smells, ears, and tastes. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well. I've started writing a lot in first person because it makes it easier to do that, although you do have to avoid constantly saying "I".
Something else I'd like to see is just a tad more description, even this late in the story. When someone scratches his head, is he encountering bristles, or curls?
All in all, the story is good. It just needs more detail, more "showing".
Later on the jet, the men stood at the rear and expressed surprise that no one expected them and compared notes about things they'd seen at the hacienda.>>> This is an example of what I mean. It's a group viewpoint, "the men stood" "they"expressed surprise" -- group viewpoints don't usually work well.
Jack Whyte, a Scots writer, explains this best: your reader is in a dark room, and you have to show him everything. (caution: there can be such a thing as crowding in too much detail-- it's a skill we have to learn to manage.)
With your next story, try to stay with one viewpoint character. It can still be told in past tense.
Generally, a very good job and worthy of five stars.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and I appreciate your comments. I have a question: I have been told that with a romance you need a subplot, but even with the subplot, if it doesn't move the romance along, leave it out. That is what I have done, yet I see what you are saying and I am now confuse. Please explain more.
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I've never read that you HAVE to have a subplot for anything, Barbara. I'd recommend you do what is natural to you. If you read romance, you'll have an instinct for what feels right as you are writing.
A subplot can be the hero's problem, and when he meets the girl, he still has the original problem, which she helps him solve.
Romance is usually told from the point of view of the female 'heroine' so that the women readers can identify with her. It would sell better that way. BUT the first thing about writing is that there really are no rules, except for the basics of grammar, spelling and construction. Your story has to have a beginning, a middle, an end with a climax.
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The stuff I've been reading from RWA, lately, has been saying that the main characters, of late, have been two-dimensional. I don't know how to do that unless you use two POV's. I think it is becoming very complicated. Do the rules really change? Or I should ask, how can rules change? I haven't got the first ones down, yet. I know you are one, or the best, writer on fan story. I hope you don't mind me asking these questions.
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What I was mainly getting at was imagery, description, and detail.
Here's an example of TELLING, which is something to AVOID: John walked across along the hall and into the spacious living room.
Instead, slow down. See the scene in your mind before you put it on paper. What does that hall look like? Carpeted? what color. Pictures on the walls? [You won't use all that you see in your mind, and you certainly shouldn't show it to the reader -- just bits of it. Just maybe.] Who is John? Why is he there and what's he going to do? HOW is John walking? Don't add an adverb with 'ly' at the end (walked slowly) . Instead, let's assume old John has been drinking.
John shuffled down the narrow hallway on his way to the spacious livingroom. (Better but I'm still outside John and trying to write from THAT perspective. I should be INSIDE. More like this:
His darned left shoe tripped him, and he stooped to tie his shoelace. The room spun for a second, then righted itself as he stood. The aroma of roast turkey wafted from the dining room, and his mouth watered.
OK, now I'm INSIDE looking out. I tripped over that shoelace right along with John, and I can smell the turkey, maybe I see pictures lining that hall. Portraits of ancestors... That's the kind of imagery I'm talking about. Feed in a LITTLE detail like that, but don't write so much that you stop your action. As I said, it takes practice.
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Thank you. I think I understand much better. Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me.
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Always happy to help, Barbara.
OK, two-dimentional characters simplly means there's no DEPTH and no personality. A two dimentional character is like a paper doll. It won't help to use more than one viewpoint, and actually it can hurt.
You need to develop your main character beyond what he looks like. As the writer, you need to know EVERYTHING about him, only a small part of which you'll ever need in the story. Let's take my character Hans for example. Here's what I know about him:
He's a German soldier, an officer, a second lieutenant in the second world war. Raised catholic in Berlin, although Berlin is mostly Lutheran, he's pretty well lost his faith because of the war.
His father and one uncle are doctors and he has another uncle living in America. One of his cousins is an SS lieutenant. He has four brothers, all older than he is. His mother was killed in a bombing. At the time of the first story, he's 24.
His birthday is May 1, 1920, making him a Taurus, and he was born in Berlin but spent time during his childhood in America (California).
He likes dogs and children and adores women. He smokes cigarettes, and doesn't care for vodka, preferring beer or cognac when he drinks.
He's just over 6 feet, muscular, and a fast runner. His eyes are dark blue, like good sapphires, and his fair hair is curly. His lips are sensual, teeth even.
Because of his looks, he's been popular with women since puberty, and usually avoids serious relationships because he had one bad one. Once in a relationship, he's faithful.
A fair shot with a pistol, and also with a rifle. The pistol is a Luger, called by the Germans a Pistole 08; the rifle is a Mauser 98 carbine.
He's neat about his appearance, shaves daily and also neat about his clothes. Leave them folded on a chair.
He's honest, even when it would pay him not to be, but he'll lie if he has to.
He's hot-tempered, but cool-headed. He can freeze a person with a glare from those blue eyes, or melt the heart of a woman with his smile, which lights up his face. Temper comes as a flash of anger, and he'll knock a man down, then help him up.
He wanted to be a doctor, but the war got in the way of his education. He's a decorated war hero -- Iron Cross First Class, black wound medal, Silver infantry assault medal.
That's enough, but you get the picture. He's a real human being, NOT two-dimentional. He has a hobby (chess) and the flaws of temper and impatience.
So that's were you start -- develop your main character's personality. Give him likes and dislikes, a hobby. How does he feel about women? About politics and religion? And then you worry about what he looks like. Scars? Hair? Eyes? Thin or fat, etc.
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Thank you. I copied that, so I can study it and refer to it often. Thank you so much.
Comment from Writeaway...
Aw, your chapter left me wondering what's going to happen next barbara.wiley. I felt inspired, I found no spags whatsoever, can't wait to read on. Excellent job, keep writing!!
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Aw, your chapter left me wondering what's going to happen next barbara.wiley. I felt inspired, I found no spags whatsoever, can't wait to read on. Excellent job, keep writing!!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Shane Marquardt
Very powerful stuff in here. I had to read the sentence twice about the father having the mother raped. I couldn't believe it. You have a very good plot and intriguing characters, which is a real strength of your story.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Very powerful stuff in here. I had to read the sentence twice about the father having the mother raped. I couldn't believe it. You have a very good plot and intriguing characters, which is a real strength of your story.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Nightwind
Praise: Well done! Nice flowing dialogue. Creative, intriguing story!
Constructive Thoughts: Might think about revising some of the very long sentences to make them direct and more powerful. This would include trimming away superfluous words and limiting the use of "as" to link a lot of thoughts. Sometimes another, stronger word can take the place of a few weaker words (ie-arms around her and hold her - you could use the word "embrace" which means all of the former) Some Examples listed below:
Later on the jet, the men stood at the rear and expressed surprise that no one expected them and compared notes about things they'd seen at the hacienda.
Later, the men stood in the rear of the jet and compared notes about what they saw at the hacienda; surprised that no one expected them.
As they stared at the front steps of the hacienda each team member took a deep breath and wondered what waited for them inside the mansion.
The team members stared at the front steps of the hacienda. They all took deep breaths and wondered what waited for them inside.
He put his arms around her and held her, smelling the floral scent of her hair as he fell asleep.
He embraced her and, smelling the floral scent of her hair, he fell asleep.
Leya's eyebrows arched, (can eliminate comma or make 2 separate sentences) and she didn't respond.
Praise: Enjoyed reading your story. Great job!
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Praise: Well done! Nice flowing dialogue. Creative, intriguing story!
Constructive Thoughts: Might think about revising some of the very long sentences to make them direct and more powerful. This would include trimming away superfluous words and limiting the use of "as" to link a lot of thoughts. Sometimes another, stronger word can take the place of a few weaker words (ie-arms around her and hold her - you could use the word "embrace" which means all of the former) Some Examples listed below:
Later on the jet, the men stood at the rear and expressed surprise that no one expected them and compared notes about things they'd seen at the hacienda.
Later, the men stood in the rear of the jet and compared notes about what they saw at the hacienda; surprised that no one expected them.
As they stared at the front steps of the hacienda each team member took a deep breath and wondered what waited for them inside the mansion.
The team members stared at the front steps of the hacienda. They all took deep breaths and wondered what waited for them inside.
He put his arms around her and held her, smelling the floral scent of her hair as he fell asleep.
He embraced her and, smelling the floral scent of her hair, he fell asleep.
Leya's eyebrows arched, (can eliminate comma or make 2 separate sentences) and she didn't respond.
Praise: Enjoyed reading your story. Great job!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate the time you took to assist in making it better.
Comment from nora arjuna
"I'm fine." She rubbed the cheek her father had slapped. - LOL, not the one he kissed, of course.
"If he loved her, he wouldn't have ordered his men to beat her." She cuddled against his chest and wept. - just wondering who said this, Leya? Cause the next line is hers too.
Ah, Steven is so stiff. Glad she's safe for the moment.:)
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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"I'm fine." She rubbed the cheek her father had slapped. - LOL, not the one he kissed, of course.
"If he loved her, he wouldn't have ordered his men to beat her." She cuddled against his chest and wept. - just wondering who said this, Leya? Cause the next line is hers too.
Ah, Steven is so stiff. Glad she's safe for the moment.:)
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you for the review. I will recheck that sentence. Thank you for your continued support.
