Legal Tendencies
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Christmas Eve"Two attorney's fall in love....
8 total reviews
Comment from Jordan Rose
Hi. This chapter is a little bumpy. It doesn't flow as well as it could. (An issue that I have been having with some of my chapters, too!) It feels like you're trying to move the story too quickly, not giving the reader the opportunity to experience each scene. I don't know if I can better describe what I mean, but would be happy to chat more, if you'd like. Jordan
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2009
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Hi. This chapter is a little bumpy. It doesn't flow as well as it could. (An issue that I have been having with some of my chapters, too!) It feels like you're trying to move the story too quickly, not giving the reader the opportunity to experience each scene. I don't know if I can better describe what I mean, but would be happy to chat more, if you'd like. Jordan
Comment Written 21-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2009
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Thanks so much Jordan. I truly value your opiion and critique. Heck.... after all thats how writers learn. Thanks also for your honesty too........xoxo
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Any time. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm finding this site amazing. I've truly enjoyed everything I've read. I love that people are willing to put their work out there for others to read and critique. Good luck.
Comment from empire76
I guess these two were serious!
- On this day was Christmas Eve and Steven and I were headed to church.
Suggestions:
On Christmas Eve Steven and I were headed to church.
It was Christmas Eve and Steven and I were headed to church.
- Celebrating God's Birthday was a priority above all(,) and I was so grateful that Steven felt the same way.
- These were giving him full access to my home, soon our home.
Shouldn't it be soon-to-be rather than soon?
- Steven leaned in(,) giving me a kiss and holding me tightly, a hug.
Two things: comma needed after 'in'. Also 'holding me tightly' already gives us the picture so there's no need to add 'a hug'.
- Steven reached far back under the tree(,) pulling out a white box with a petite purple bow.
Cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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I guess these two were serious!
- On this day was Christmas Eve and Steven and I were headed to church.
Suggestions:
On Christmas Eve Steven and I were headed to church.
It was Christmas Eve and Steven and I were headed to church.
- Celebrating God's Birthday was a priority above all(,) and I was so grateful that Steven felt the same way.
- These were giving him full access to my home, soon our home.
Shouldn't it be soon-to-be rather than soon?
- Steven leaned in(,) giving me a kiss and holding me tightly, a hug.
Two things: comma needed after 'in'. Also 'holding me tightly' already gives us the picture so there's no need to add 'a hug'.
- Steven reached far back under the tree(,) pulling out a white box with a petite purple bow.
Cheers
Empi
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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As always, I appeciate your and value your comments, reviews and opinions/ xoxo
Comment from Lisha L
Ah this is a wonderfully sentimental chapter. As usual your writing is almost flawless. I can not wait to see where you go with this story and I think that I will continue on to read the next chapter.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Ah this is a wonderfully sentimental chapter. As usual your writing is almost flawless. I can not wait to see where you go with this story and I think that I will continue on to read the next chapter.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Thanks for reading, commenting and reviewing my story. I hope you enjoy the rest as well.......xoxo
Comment from c_lucas
You mention headed for church and you dropped it there. You go right to dinner and the exchanging of gifts. You ended with Steven proposing. I feel you left something out.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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You mention headed for church and you dropped it there. You go right to dinner and the exchanging of gifts. You ended with Steven proposing. I feel you left something out.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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I agree...any suggestions for me to improve this one??....xoxo
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This type of writing is out of my genre. I prefer to leave the sexual activities to he imagination of the reader. You could handle the church with a sentence or two.
Comment from irishauthorme
Wow, the passion is turning into real love, and the Christmas scene was set very well. The exchange of gifts was a great thought, and fit in logically with the rest of the story.
Good job!
Irish
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Wow, the passion is turning into real love, and the Christmas scene was set very well. The exchange of gifts was a great thought, and fit in logically with the rest of the story.
Good job!
Irish
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much. i truly value your opinions highly so I take them seriously........xoxo
Comment from Sasha
This is very sweet. I love the descriptions and thought her gift to him was wonderful. But, of course, his topped anything she or I expected. Very nice job with this one.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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This is very sweet. I love the descriptions and thought her gift to him was wonderful. But, of course, his topped anything she or I expected. Very nice job with this one.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for stopping in again to read and comment. You just dont know how special and meaningful that is to me......xoxo
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As I am sure you have seen, I gave your next chapter a 4. I ment to add that if in the next one or two chatpers you begin to develop a secondary plot, I a will be happy to raise this rating to a 5.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very good chapter you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and very good dialog. It put me in a Christmas mood. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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This is a very good chapter you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and very good dialog. It put me in a Christmas mood. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for the comment and great review my friend....xoxo
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you are so welcome
Comment from kukarad70
Dear Heidixoxo,
You have written very nice Steven's propose to get married throughout the occasion of Christmas EVE in "Chapter 10: Christmas Eve". I have not seen in your writing much vulgarity in your mature fiction writing. The genuine and effective wordings are there. Sincerely you have presented your ideas, which you have changed for adult readable fiction. Simple and understandable language which is showing your presenting capability. Quite nice and interesting. Please do write and bring perfection. Kamal
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Dear Heidixoxo,
You have written very nice Steven's propose to get married throughout the occasion of Christmas EVE in "Chapter 10: Christmas Eve". I have not seen in your writing much vulgarity in your mature fiction writing. The genuine and effective wordings are there. Sincerely you have presented your ideas, which you have changed for adult readable fiction. Simple and understandable language which is showing your presenting capability. Quite nice and interesting. Please do write and bring perfection. Kamal
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Thank you for commenting and reviewing. I am just curious why the low rating if you dont mind my asking. Just wondering is all....xoxo
