Legal Tendencies
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Suite 2010"Two attorney's fall in love....
16 total reviews
Comment from missy98writer
Chapter 9: Suite 2010 by Heidixoxo
Wow this chapter "Trial & Goodbyes" of your mature fiction "Suite 2020" is hot and steamy. Wow, the computer is on fire. This line is the example of the steaminess:
"Feeling his vein pulsate in my hand, I placed his dripping tip in my mouth. Steven moaned with delight as his body tensed. Knowing he was ready to explode, I pulled him on top of me putting him into my wet pussy. My legs were tightly squeezing his waist as we became one again."
missy98writer!
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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Chapter 9: Suite 2010 by Heidixoxo
Wow this chapter "Trial & Goodbyes" of your mature fiction "Suite 2020" is hot and steamy. Wow, the computer is on fire. This line is the example of the steaminess:
"Feeling his vein pulsate in my hand, I placed his dripping tip in my mouth. Steven moaned with delight as his body tensed. Knowing he was ready to explode, I pulled him on top of me putting him into my wet pussy. My legs were tightly squeezing his waist as we became one again."
missy98writer!
Comment Written 23-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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Glad you liked this....thanks for stopping by to read and comment. I truly appreciate that a lot...xoxo
Comment from Jordan Rose
Hi. I thought this was exciting. I do have a couple suggestions. There was at least one time when the verb tense changed- kiss vs. kissed. You should probably check that. Passionately is missed spelled. The phrase "wall of the elevator" would be better worded as 'elevator wall'. The term "going insane" isn't very sexy. I think you need a different term to keep the heat going. The phrase beginning, "leaving me in amazement..." doesn't flow well and takes the edge off the sexiness. Hope this helps. Jordan
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2009
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Hi. I thought this was exciting. I do have a couple suggestions. There was at least one time when the verb tense changed- kiss vs. kissed. You should probably check that. Passionately is missed spelled. The phrase "wall of the elevator" would be better worded as 'elevator wall'. The term "going insane" isn't very sexy. I think you need a different term to keep the heat going. The phrase beginning, "leaving me in amazement..." doesn't flow well and takes the edge off the sexiness. Hope this helps. Jordan
Comment Written 21-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2009
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Thank you...
Comment from peterjp80
It must be good, it gave me a hard-on. Very well written. Great job at pulling me into the story. One small note: In, "Rose petals a top the bed", it should be "atop" (one word).
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2009
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It must be good, it gave me a hard-on. Very well written. Great job at pulling me into the story. One small note: In, "Rose petals a top the bed", it should be "atop" (one word).
Comment Written 19-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much!! I am pleased that you ejoyed this....xoxo
Comment from annienolan
Very excitingly written. Creative and thoughtfully worded. My imagination working very well. Colourful and enjoyable written.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Very excitingly written. Creative and thoughtfully worded. My imagination working very well. Colourful and enjoyable written.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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I am so happy to know you like this. Much more to come with a few twists and turns around the corner...LOL I truly appreciate your comment and review....xoxo
Comment from Lisha L
Well written. It is hard to write this type of thing. I do think that the 3rd paragraph up is a little too monotone. But overall it is well written. I have read multiple chapters of this and may just have to read the whole thing in order one of these days.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Well written. It is hard to write this type of thing. I do think that the 3rd paragraph up is a little too monotone. But overall it is well written. I have read multiple chapters of this and may just have to read the whole thing in order one of these days.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much.....I will see what I can do to fix that paragraph. I appreciate your comment.......xoxo
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello Heidixoxo,
Most stories of this nature are written by men. It is interesting to read a woman's perspective on eroticism. You did very well with the build-up, although I'm sure I missed a bit from the previous chapters. It is steamy, sexy, and definitly appeals to prurient interests.
Well done.
Ray
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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Hello Heidixoxo,
Most stories of this nature are written by men. It is interesting to read a woman's perspective on eroticism. You did very well with the build-up, although I'm sure I missed a bit from the previous chapters. It is steamy, sexy, and definitly appeals to prurient interests.
Well done.
Ray
Comment Written 10-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2009
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I hope that being a woman made it slightly more interesting for you? I have never written this type of story before so I have been VERY nervous about posting, but heck....wont know if I dont try right?? Thanks so much for commenting and reviewing.............xoxo
Comment from irishauthorme
Hot and steamy, wet and creamy! You have got these two paired up as a perfect match, they fit each other and the action fits them!
Good secenes all the way through, and your characters feel real, too.
Looking forward to more!
Irish
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Hot and steamy, wet and creamy! You have got these two paired up as a perfect match, they fit each other and the action fits them!
Good secenes all the way through, and your characters feel real, too.
Looking forward to more!
Irish
Comment Written 09-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Awe, a much needed positive review!! Thank you so much and I am flattered you like it. Please keep reading...more to come!!!! lol
xoxo
Comment from Mark Nolan
Captivating the reader is what writing is all about. Interesting piece of work as it flows well and is written with it flowing like silk. It seems real also as if events like this have really happened. Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Captivating the reader is what writing is all about. Interesting piece of work as it flows well and is written with it flowing like silk. It seems real also as if events like this have really happened. Well done.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Thank you SO SO much.....a much needed compliment. I truly appreciate that.....xoxo
Comment from Jonesy
Terrific job of describing an erotic scene, which is the whole point of this type of post. There are some mistakes to take care of, but most are easy fixes.
One other thing I'd like to say is watch the pronouns ("I", "me", etc). Too many and it becomes noticeable).
***much needed attention too***
Drop "too", not needed and reads a little awkward
***the mood was set in place
Same thing with "in place"
***Rose pedals***
"petals"
Also, this sentence is a fragment. Ending the preceding sentence with a colon would fix
***and so much more***
Vague, general descriptions like this are almost always the wrong choice. It leaves readers wondering, "Well, what are the other things?" Should specify what "more" actually is
***and only teasing me through my moist panties.***
"and teased.." reads a little better
***I kiss his chest***
Present tense
***as we together became one again.***
Should drop "together", it isn't needed
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Terrific job of describing an erotic scene, which is the whole point of this type of post. There are some mistakes to take care of, but most are easy fixes.
One other thing I'd like to say is watch the pronouns ("I", "me", etc). Too many and it becomes noticeable).
***much needed attention too***
Drop "too", not needed and reads a little awkward
***the mood was set in place
Same thing with "in place"
***Rose pedals***
"petals"
Also, this sentence is a fragment. Ending the preceding sentence with a colon would fix
***and so much more***
Vague, general descriptions like this are almost always the wrong choice. It leaves readers wondering, "Well, what are the other things?" Should specify what "more" actually is
***and only teasing me through my moist panties.***
"and teased.." reads a little better
***I kiss his chest***
Present tense
***as we together became one again.***
Should drop "together", it isn't needed
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much....xoxo
Comment from empire76
I like the progression of the story. I see development in her feelings as the chapter comes along. I'm missing any serious conflict or motivation here. Maybe you could include a bit of both.
- We walked hand(-)in(-)hand through a long corridor
- It was defin(i)tely not our room but a private elevator for suite 2010.
i rather than a
- As the doors opened(,) Steven pressed me against the wall.(,) (k)issing me passionatley while his hands searched my hungry body(.) (O)ur temperatures were rapidly rising as I felt the heat coming from him.
Suggested alternative use of puncgtuation
- I unbuckled his belt(,) letting his slacks fall around his ankles.
comma needed
- Rose pe(t)als a top the bed,
t rather than d
- I kiss(ed) his chest(,) inching my way down.
should be past tense (kissed), plus comma needed after chest
Empi
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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I like the progression of the story. I see development in her feelings as the chapter comes along. I'm missing any serious conflict or motivation here. Maybe you could include a bit of both.
- We walked hand(-)in(-)hand through a long corridor
- It was defin(i)tely not our room but a private elevator for suite 2010.
i rather than a
- As the doors opened(,) Steven pressed me against the wall.(,) (k)issing me passionatley while his hands searched my hungry body(.) (O)ur temperatures were rapidly rising as I felt the heat coming from him.
Suggested alternative use of puncgtuation
- I unbuckled his belt(,) letting his slacks fall around his ankles.
comma needed
- Rose pe(t)als a top the bed,
t rather than d
- I kiss(ed) his chest(,) inching my way down.
should be past tense (kissed), plus comma needed after chest
Empi
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Thanks again...I will change things around and see if it works better. I appreciate it....xoxo
