Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 1 Part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
35 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
i think you set up your characters very well and had a good storyline back at the beginning. i plan to read my way through the chapters i missed while keeping up with the new ones you post.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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i think you set up your characters very well and had a good storyline back at the beginning. i plan to read my way through the chapters i missed while keeping up with the new ones you post.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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Holy cow, you are devoted.
Comment from maggieJo
What a tragedy. This shouldn't happen to anyone. You have brought tension and gripping fear into your story. Your short snappy sentences command the readers undivided attention. Good writing.
maggiejo.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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What a tragedy. This shouldn't happen to anyone. You have brought tension and gripping fear into your story. Your short snappy sentences command the readers undivided attention. Good writing.
maggiejo.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from MagnumOpus
Wow! This is exciting and scary. A baby is kidnapped by drug cartel members. Or so it would seem. You do know how to hook the reader.
You must have a good background in military and police operations.
Good work.
M
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Wow! This is exciting and scary. A baby is kidnapped by drug cartel members. Or so it would seem. You do know how to hook the reader.
You must have a good background in military and police operations.
Good work.
M
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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My husband just retired today from 23 years in the Army. He was a CID agent and specialized in Forensic Science.
Thank for your review.
Comment from K-Patrick
Well with the exception of Dani, the other characters lack excitement and concern. Yes they are professionals, but at a bare minimum they are angry and fear for the babe's safety. There (opinion) should be more emotion in Matt and his close friends. The other team members would feel the importance of their leader's kid missing and would feel that pressure.
These guys are top cops. I think they (at least Steven) would have realized the dark eyed girl might involved and immediately ran after her. Even if he didn't catch her. Also if they identified the hospital plant, they would have employment information and sent a car/HRT/SWAT to listed address, while running a background on SSN and name.
She needs you. Can work wait?" -- 'Can't work wait?'
Once Dani was in her room, Matt met with Joe, Steven, and [a few] other team members [who had already arrived].
Jim and Derek, junior team and Task Force members -- maybe consider trimming -- Jim and Derek, junior Task Force members -- this flows better.
Joe stood in the corner and noticed the mysterious [dark eyed] woman -- here I recommend you keep the dark eyes as an identifier.
Dani sat up abruptly. "Where?" -- When someone says "I know where your car keys are?" you say "Where?" -- When someone says "I know where your baby is?" a mother is going to say, "Oh God! Where is my baby! Pease tell me, please, where is my little girl?" while trying to get out of bed and closer to the woman.
The four stars is for the need of emotion. Dani should be in hysterics by now and probably given a sedative. Matt needs to be at least pissed. Steve is probably wondering how this could happen a few feet away from him and why he didn't confront the dark eyed woman when she acted suspicious (he thinks that now).
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Well with the exception of Dani, the other characters lack excitement and concern. Yes they are professionals, but at a bare minimum they are angry and fear for the babe's safety. There (opinion) should be more emotion in Matt and his close friends. The other team members would feel the importance of their leader's kid missing and would feel that pressure.
These guys are top cops. I think they (at least Steven) would have realized the dark eyed girl might involved and immediately ran after her. Even if he didn't catch her. Also if they identified the hospital plant, they would have employment information and sent a car/HRT/SWAT to listed address, while running a background on SSN and name.
She needs you. Can work wait?" -- 'Can't work wait?'
Once Dani was in her room, Matt met with Joe, Steven, and [a few] other team members [who had already arrived].
Jim and Derek, junior team and Task Force members -- maybe consider trimming -- Jim and Derek, junior Task Force members -- this flows better.
Joe stood in the corner and noticed the mysterious [dark eyed] woman -- here I recommend you keep the dark eyes as an identifier.
Dani sat up abruptly. "Where?" -- When someone says "I know where your car keys are?" you say "Where?" -- When someone says "I know where your baby is?" a mother is going to say, "Oh God! Where is my baby! Pease tell me, please, where is my little girl?" while trying to get out of bed and closer to the woman.
The four stars is for the need of emotion. Dani should be in hysterics by now and probably given a sedative. Matt needs to be at least pissed. Steve is probably wondering how this could happen a few feet away from him and why he didn't confront the dark eyed woman when she acted suspicious (he thinks that now).
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Once again, I had more of that in there, but was told to take it out because it is a romance, not suspense. They only want what moves the romance forward, the other is fluff. Early on Steven only sees the woman as a beautiful woman, he's not thinking anything about business. My husband is CID in the military, which is the military's version of the FBI, so I understand what you're saying. For many of Matt's emotions, I used a friend of mine's husband. He's trained as Delta Force. This man is amazing at his abitly to control his emotions. Matt, from my first novel, is highly trained special forces and navy seal. The only one that can this man is Dani and she already has him under control. Steven was taken under Matt's wing and trained by him. We will Steven make a few errors in this novel, but Matt brings him in. I'm off to take care of the rest. If you have any other points to address, please let me know or if I've totally confused you let me know.
Comment from elkay
Good work with this part. Great hook to finish the chapter off. I am starting to wonder about the categorisation as Romance though. I can see lots of scope for twists and turns in a romantic developement, but also see quite a strong Crime Genre feel coming through.
I do love a good crime novel with a romantic twist. Wasn't sure how heavily you intended each part to play. Possibly the search for the source of the drugs and the kidnapping are part of the romantic plot line. If they are not, i wonder if they might overshadow the main story if we are not carefull. Once that happens we need to deliver a good strong resolution in both areas.
Might just be my interpretation though.
Keep it going, I feel it has the makings of a great story.
Cheers
elkay
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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Good work with this part. Great hook to finish the chapter off. I am starting to wonder about the categorisation as Romance though. I can see lots of scope for twists and turns in a romantic developement, but also see quite a strong Crime Genre feel coming through.
I do love a good crime novel with a romantic twist. Wasn't sure how heavily you intended each part to play. Possibly the search for the source of the drugs and the kidnapping are part of the romantic plot line. If they are not, i wonder if they might overshadow the main story if we are not carefull. Once that happens we need to deliver a good strong resolution in both areas.
Might just be my interpretation though.
Keep it going, I feel it has the makings of a great story.
Cheers
elkay
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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Starting at the end of Chapter 2, the romance takes over and the drug issue pops it's ugly head in from time to time to remind us why Steven and Leya are in the situation they find themselves in. The first novel about the Task Force is the same way. I have had suggestions to push is as a Romantic suspense novel, but once in awhile one of the men read it and remind me it needs more action to keep their interest. Thank you.
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It's coming along fantastic. Reference the suggestions from men that want more action, my review was tailored towards not overdoing the Crime genre aspect if it were to be a Romance novel. But I see that you have changed that. I have no challenges with a romance novel that has action, or an action novel that has Romance. And you are right, I enjoyed the further developement of Stevens cahracter.
Well done indeed.
elkay
Comment from Freeflyer
How awful. I could not imagine what a mother would go through under these circumstances. People behind drugs are avil and will do almost anything for their greed. Great writing.
Freeflyer
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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How awful. I could not imagine what a mother would go through under these circumstances. People behind drugs are avil and will do almost anything for their greed. Great writing.
Freeflyer
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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You're right and this evilness continues. Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words,
Comment from Josipher32
This was a very nicely written book chapter.
Good opening line. Really draws the reader in, kind of like a mystery.
Good way to stay consistant with the point of view and use action verbs instead of passive.
You handled dialogue well. I would suggest instead of putting the English translations in the dialogue in parentheses, you put them in your author's notes, b/c they can detract from the dialogue. Just a thought.
Good luck with your book.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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This was a very nicely written book chapter.
Good opening line. Really draws the reader in, kind of like a mystery.
Good way to stay consistant with the point of view and use action verbs instead of passive.
You handled dialogue well. I would suggest instead of putting the English translations in the dialogue in parentheses, you put them in your author's notes, b/c they can detract from the dialogue. Just a thought.
Good luck with your book.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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I've wondered about that, but then I was afraid, when I have it in manuscript form, there won't be any author's notes per say.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is engaging and interesting. The state of a new mother whose infant is missing is better imagined than experienced. It will be nice to read other chapters of this book. kudos
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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This is engaging and interesting. The state of a new mother whose infant is missing is better imagined than experienced. It will be nice to read other chapters of this book. kudos
Comment Written 05-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Phil Kitom
A good second chapter that has really
moved the story forward. You have
given the reader cause to want to
continue in pursuit of the missing
child. Well done...
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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A good second chapter that has really
moved the story forward. You have
given the reader cause to want to
continue in pursuit of the missing
child. Well done...
Comment Written 05-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from fictionwriter
I enjoyed the story, but it was a little jumpy as far as POV goes. Especially where you're talking about who is doing what in the task force. It might read better if you had whoever is in charge telling the other members what to do in a dialouge. It might seem smoother that way and not so jarring to the reader. The last thing you want to do is bring the reader out of the story.
Another camera revealed someone resembling that man(had) left the hospital, but he didn't have an infant with him
Keep at it, I'm sure you're going to improve as you work along.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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I enjoyed the story, but it was a little jumpy as far as POV goes. Especially where you're talking about who is doing what in the task force. It might read better if you had whoever is in charge telling the other members what to do in a dialouge. It might seem smoother that way and not so jarring to the reader. The last thing you want to do is bring the reader out of the story.
Another camera revealed someone resembling that man(had) left the hospital, but he didn't have an infant with him
Keep at it, I'm sure you're going to improve as you work along.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2009
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Thank you. I will recheck it. I've already taken some hits for Matt being too involved in the story and since he's in charge he would be giving the order. I'm trying to make him less of a character. I'll see what I can do.
