Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
50 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A really good chapter, Barbara - the ending
intense - leaving the reader wanting more.
and sighed. - as this is the 2nd sigh close to each other, I'd be inclined to write - and sighed again.
Just a thought.
that little beauty(.)"
Joe chuckled and mades faces staring through the glass.
Joe chuckled and made faces as he stared through the glass.
before she lay back in bed. - we already know she's in bed
before she lay back.
and she ran to NICU - I don't think she'd run after giving birth. how about..
and she struggled along the corridor to get to NICU as fast as her legs would carry her.
Well penned, my friend.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
  |
A really good chapter, Barbara - the ending
intense - leaving the reader wanting more.
and sighed. - as this is the 2nd sigh close to each other, I'd be inclined to write - and sighed again.
Just a thought.
that little beauty(.)"
Joe chuckled and mades faces staring through the glass.
Joe chuckled and made faces as he stared through the glass.
before she lay back in bed. - we already know she's in bed
before she lay back.
and she ran to NICU - I don't think she'd run after giving birth. how about..
and she struggled along the corridor to get to NICU as fast as her legs would carry her.
Well penned, my friend.
Margaret.
Comment Written 01-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-May-2010
-
Thank you so much for going back to my first chapter and using your eagle eye to find areas that need to be worked on. You are extremely a special lady.
-
Why, thank you, Barbara - I'm pleased you don't mind - some obviously do. Just ignore if at any time you're not in agreement, my friend. Margaret
Comment from janna777
HI, Barbara.
Okay, I've got the beginning of the story. I read 5 first entries, will review this one for convenience.
I loved the story. I think it's a great idea, to combine action and romance, though it's been done a lot, the market for it is equally large. I am not sure if you chose the best viewpoint for it, though. What I mean is, you do it mild enough as action goes, and don't give much voice to Leya as the main romantic voice. As a result, it's mild action and mild romance, and i would prefer if it were LOTS of action and LOTS of romance. Generally, it's a mild form of fiction. It's okay if it was your intent, but I think it makes it less marketable. Again, I don't know just how much you're interested in marketing.
I would give fights and guns slightly longer and more colorful descriptions, and I would write a larger portion of the story from Leya's point of view.
My main problem with your writing is writing itself, not what but how. The language feels a bit bland, and I already mentioned about dialog being a bit contrived.
Let's take the first page alone. "They checked in before I left Task Force". Imagine you going to work and saying to your husband: Honey, I'm off to Willow Creek Elementary." Just I'm off to school would sound more natural. Examples like this one abound.
The descriptive language is a bit better, but has weak points, too. "Dani, weak and upset, fell to the floor." She is not upset. She is crushed, mortified, shocked, out of her mind, forgetting how to breathe.
If I were you, I'd do one more language polish before sending it to the publisher.
Oh, well, the question again. If you're not interested, it's okay, but I feel your writing is almost ready. Why don't you check www.theliteraryagencygroup.com
They are in the market for new clients right now. Even though I wouldn't call them a good agency, your first agency isn't supposed to be good. We beggars can't be choosers, right?
Good luck.
---Janna
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2010
|
HI, Barbara.
Okay, I've got the beginning of the story. I read 5 first entries, will review this one for convenience.
I loved the story. I think it's a great idea, to combine action and romance, though it's been done a lot, the market for it is equally large. I am not sure if you chose the best viewpoint for it, though. What I mean is, you do it mild enough as action goes, and don't give much voice to Leya as the main romantic voice. As a result, it's mild action and mild romance, and i would prefer if it were LOTS of action and LOTS of romance. Generally, it's a mild form of fiction. It's okay if it was your intent, but I think it makes it less marketable. Again, I don't know just how much you're interested in marketing.
I would give fights and guns slightly longer and more colorful descriptions, and I would write a larger portion of the story from Leya's point of view.
My main problem with your writing is writing itself, not what but how. The language feels a bit bland, and I already mentioned about dialog being a bit contrived.
Let's take the first page alone. "They checked in before I left Task Force". Imagine you going to work and saying to your husband: Honey, I'm off to Willow Creek Elementary." Just I'm off to school would sound more natural. Examples like this one abound.
The descriptive language is a bit better, but has weak points, too. "Dani, weak and upset, fell to the floor." She is not upset. She is crushed, mortified, shocked, out of her mind, forgetting how to breathe.
If I were you, I'd do one more language polish before sending it to the publisher.
Oh, well, the question again. If you're not interested, it's okay, but I feel your writing is almost ready. Why don't you check www.theliteraryagencygroup.com
They are in the market for new clients right now. Even though I wouldn't call them a good agency, your first agency isn't supposed to be good. We beggars can't be choosers, right?
Good luck.
---Janna
Comment Written 14-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your review and I will review your suggestions.
-
I checked this agency out on Preditors and Editors and wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.
-
I know, I know, I told you it was a bad one. But realistically, it's hard to find a good one from the first try. My impression is, they're trying to break into business, just like we are. I'm not a good writer either, at least not yet. I checked for gossip, nobody says anything bad about them, just inefficient so far.
-
I have already been burned by and agent to the tune of $5000. I am very picky.
-
Oh, my God. Then you're right to be. WL didn't cost me a cent, so far, so even though they didn't make a sale either, I think it's okay. I will look for a different one for my children's book. And of course I'll switch from them as soon as I can. I optioned a script without an agent, they're my first. I think it's better than nothing. By the way, thansk for Preditors and Editors. Cool reference, I didn't know about them.
---janna
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good flow, great setup and the need to read more --you did it very well--wanted to go back and read your previous posts since i only started reading near chapter thirty
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
|
this is very well written with good flow, great setup and the need to read more --you did it very well--wanted to go back and read your previous posts since i only started reading near chapter thirty
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
-
I am very impressed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Comment from PoetSpirit
Great start for this story, the baby is named after me, hehe! :o) I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Awesome work!
Best wishes, Emily
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
|
Great start for this story, the baby is named after me, hehe! :o) I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Awesome work!
Best wishes, Emily
Comment Written 10-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2010
-
I am so happy Matt and Dani chose to name their infant after you. Thank you for the kind review.
-
You're very welcome,
Best wishes, Emily
Comment from missy98writer
This is an excellent first chapter. You get to the point in the first two sentences. Your dialogue is great. The atmosphere was tense, I could sense a build up to something happening. I'm giving you five stars. When I get time I read the next chapter and review.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2009
|
This is an excellent first chapter. You get to the point in the first two sentences. Your dialogue is great. The atmosphere was tense, I could sense a build up to something happening. I'm giving you five stars. When I get time I read the next chapter and review.
Melissa.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2009
-
Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from maggieJo
Steven's orders, "Don' leave her for any reason. Looks like Joe found a reason leave her. or is sit Joe returning. You have an exciting story stared here. You have posted it in a length easy to read - not so boringly long but enough to stir the curiosity. On to the next chapter.... Very exciting!
maggiejo
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
|
Steven's orders, "Don' leave her for any reason. Looks like Joe found a reason leave her. or is sit Joe returning. You have an exciting story stared here. You have posted it in a length easy to read - not so boringly long but enough to stir the curiosity. On to the next chapter.... Very exciting!
maggiejo
Comment Written 13-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
-
Thank you.. I hope I don't disappoint you.
-
I really believe it can only get better from here on. Good luck, your doing great.
maggiejo
Comment from MagnumOpus
Hi Barbara,
Nice work here. It's an exciting plot that moves right along. I think I can see what you mean by tell. When you describe the characters you do it through the dialogue.
Very nice.
M
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2009
|
Hi Barbara,
Nice work here. It's an exciting plot that moves right along. I think I can see what you mean by tell. When you describe the characters you do it through the dialogue.
Very nice.
M
Comment Written 30-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2009
-
I hope it helps. I'm not the authority on this. Try to read something done by Nor84. She's great. Her poems are great, but find a short story or a prose.
Comment from lola29
Wow! This is indeed a very captivating story. Your flawless writing took me through it so easily. I'm intrigued by all the mystery. The ending is a real cliff hanger. I'll try to read the next chapter.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
|
Wow! This is indeed a very captivating story. Your flawless writing took me through it so easily. I'm intrigued by all the mystery. The ending is a real cliff hanger. I'll try to read the next chapter.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your constant reviews. I hope I don't disappoint you.
-
I can't imagine ever being disappointed by your writing.
-
You're so sweet.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Barbara,
A good beginning chapter with excellent character developement. You pose a mystery as to the source of the cocaine and end the chapter with a enticing hook. You want to read more to see what is happening.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
|
Dear Barbara,
A good beginning chapter with excellent character developement. You pose a mystery as to the source of the cocaine and end the chapter with a enticing hook. You want to read more to see what is happening.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Good Evening barbara.wilkey
You first chapter has plenty of things -- drugs the birth
of a child and your interesting characters which I noticed you did not describe what they look like?
Will read next chapter soon as I can
Gert
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
|
Good Evening barbara.wilkey
You first chapter has plenty of things -- drugs the birth
of a child and your interesting characters which I noticed you did not describe what they look like?
Will read next chapter soon as I can
Gert
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
-
There are descriptions coming up, probably more than you want know, well maybe not. Thank you for your review.
-
Babara,
you are welcome
Gert
