Comment from Sarah_Goldwell

Excellent

This is a beautiful poem, the words are deep and meaningful without being too heavy. It is well written and well presented. It flows well and the artwork compliments the poem.

 Comment Written 20-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Jun-2009

Thank you very much I am glad you like it. I made those corrections thanks again.
Larry

Comment from Pacinogal

Excellent

Hi Larry,

Excellent poem!!!!! I loved the whole thing.

I especially liked,
"You whispered gently
into my ear...
"I feel so at rest
when you are near.

This calm and peace
holds me tender
as my body now,
to you surrenders"

Fantastic poem!!! Kathy

 Comment Written 19-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 19-Jun-2009

Thank I am glad that you like it that well. Take care.
Larry

reply by Pacinogal on 19-Jun-2009

Yes Larry, I liked it very much.
You're welcome,
Kindly,
Kathy

Comment from lizziebach

Excellent

Love this poem, it's gentle, loving and a joy to read. I have a couple of suggestions:
1. as my body now - the now at the end of that line, my toungue stumbles over it every time I read it, it's quite a hard word to end the line on considering the rest of your lines end softly, maybe consider:
As to you my body
Now surrenders? Something like that just to move the now from the end of the line. Just a thought

2. Come feel me up - now this could just be a British thing, but over here feel me up is a slightyl cheeky thing to say to someone as a chat up type line. So for me it doesn't fit in with the rest of the poems smooth flow of love. Its like putting a joke in the middle of a serious poem? However as I say that might just be because I'm British.

Anyway just a couple of things for you to think about, but I loved the poem and thought it well worthy of a five for its simplicity, message, flow and rhyme.

 Comment Written 19-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 19-Jun-2009

Thank you for your kind words and comments. I am giving it some study on what you mentioned about the word "Now" I will see if anything else might fit a bit better, what you said is one option, but I did not quite like 5 words on the third line and then 2 on the last line. So it may be a little bit of time before I change it if I do. I can read it ok but then again I wrote it. :-)

As far as the cheeky line as you put it, I guess it could be just a british thing. I have never heard that over here at all. It goes hand in hand with the next line, "Come fill me up with all I need" Wow just as I wrote that to you I caught the mistake, it was suppose to be "fill" me up not "feel" me up. Maybe that makes a bit more sense.

Anyway thanks again for your great review, if you like other romantic poetry I have several in my portfolio if you care to take the time to read them. Be Good
Larry

reply by lizziebach on 19-Jun-2009

It makes much more sense with the fill! I did wonder if that was what it was supposed to be, but again I wasn't sure if that was just a British thing.
The other suggestion I made was just that, a suggestion don't feel you haveto change it if it reads fine to you, after all it might just be that my accent and yours are different, so where my accent makes it jarr, yours makes it flow smoothly. And I do have a very peculiar accent.
The example I gave was just to try and demonstrate what I was trying to explain as my explanations themselves are often confusing, I like to include a littlke example to show what I mean. I agree with you that having such a difference in the number of words might unbalance it a little.
Thank you for replying to my review, and I will look out for your work again!