Greed n' Feed
Selfish individuals seldom find true happiness.49 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Nowhere to run! Oh what a drag when the greedy relatives keep visiting and there is no way to avoid them. Their intentions are never good and you are well aware. So as civil as you can be, while hating every minute, you submit. Well, not exactly grinning, but bearing it. The gall of them drinking so much they shouldn't drive and now staying overnight. Ugh!
Then the nasty happens. You find her stealing and without a thought you kill her. It's too late for regrets and then there is nasty nephew spewing about getting it all while you rot in jail. Without warning you are incensed and kill again. Woe is me, what to do? Feed the pigs.
Now they will be part of the smell they might have gotten used to.
:)Ralf
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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Nowhere to run! Oh what a drag when the greedy relatives keep visiting and there is no way to avoid them. Their intentions are never good and you are well aware. So as civil as you can be, while hating every minute, you submit. Well, not exactly grinning, but bearing it. The gall of them drinking so much they shouldn't drive and now staying overnight. Ugh!
Then the nasty happens. You find her stealing and without a thought you kill her. It's too late for regrets and then there is nasty nephew spewing about getting it all while you rot in jail. Without warning you are incensed and kill again. Woe is me, what to do? Feed the pigs.
Now they will be part of the smell they might have gotten used to.
:)Ralf
Comment Written 20-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2020
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LOL I actually liked this story myself, Ralf. I know not why other than the bad guys get their commupance. LOL Thanks my friend. :) Bob
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I think you would have made a 5-Star
Detective. You ken the bad.
XRalf
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"ken the bad? "
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ken is Scottish for "knowing"
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kAY. :) Bob
Comment from Slush Pile
Thoroughly enjoyed this! By any chance are you a Stephen King fan? Your character's name (Duddles) reminds me of one of Mr. King's characters in his book entitled DREAMCATCHER. Your style of writing in this piece reminds me of Mr. King as well. That is meant as the most sincere form of flattery in case you didn't know. Your descriptions truly give your characters life...and 'sleaze'. Great writing. Great story.
Blessings, Slush Pile (Denny)
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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Thoroughly enjoyed this! By any chance are you a Stephen King fan? Your character's name (Duddles) reminds me of one of Mr. King's characters in his book entitled DREAMCATCHER. Your style of writing in this piece reminds me of Mr. King as well. That is meant as the most sincere form of flattery in case you didn't know. Your descriptions truly give your characters life...and 'sleaze'. Great writing. Great story.
Blessings, Slush Pile (Denny)
Comment Written 22-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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Thanks so much, Denny. Actually I was in northern New York last year for a family reunion and saw a sign that said (ready?) "WELCOME TO DUDDLES" I know what you mean though..Seems to me I remember a guy in that story...the one who was retarded, right? LOL...Never thought of that. Yes, I used to read S King, but after he was hit with that car it's as if he can't write anymore or something. I read, Michael Connely, John Sanford, Robert B Parker and Lee Child. I do apreciate your comments and you taking the time for my work...Bob (Mastery)
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Hi Bob,
Yes, Duddles was the retarded character in S. King's book but he also held the key to defeating the aliens. And definitely, YES--King's writing changed dramatically after his accident. I continue to buy his books but I must admit to not reading the last two all the way through...BORING. Stay well. Blessings, Denny (Slush Pile)
Comment from pughwee
It was such a pleasure reading your words after such a lengthy hiatus. Great story! The younger characters were hardly likeable, but you fleshed them out nicely, making them all too believable and despicable. The abrupt ending surprised me, as it didn't turn out the way I expected, but that is what makes a great story.
Thanks for the nod to Kentucky. We actually have a 'Bourbon Trail' here, the path marked with brown highway signs.
A couple of things that caught my eye--
Using a cigarette lighter, she kneeled and pulled the carpet back on all four corners(.) Yanking it back as far as possible, she checked for a hiding place under the floor. Nothing.
Checking inside the canister set, she found C(c)offee in one, tea bags in another.
Shelly remembered, briefly about the times she'd gone through her father's pockets while he slept.--This sentence needs a comma after 'briefly'. You may want to consider ridding it of the word 'about' as well. The sentence just reads awkwardly.
So nice seeing you again! I will refrain from critiquing any of your poetry, as I always feel woefully inept at the task, but I will certainly keep an eye out for future story postings.
One of you many devoted fans,
Linda
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2009
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It was such a pleasure reading your words after such a lengthy hiatus. Great story! The younger characters were hardly likeable, but you fleshed them out nicely, making them all too believable and despicable. The abrupt ending surprised me, as it didn't turn out the way I expected, but that is what makes a great story.
Thanks for the nod to Kentucky. We actually have a 'Bourbon Trail' here, the path marked with brown highway signs.
A couple of things that caught my eye--
Using a cigarette lighter, she kneeled and pulled the carpet back on all four corners(.) Yanking it back as far as possible, she checked for a hiding place under the floor. Nothing.
Checking inside the canister set, she found C(c)offee in one, tea bags in another.
Shelly remembered, briefly about the times she'd gone through her father's pockets while he slept.--This sentence needs a comma after 'briefly'. You may want to consider ridding it of the word 'about' as well. The sentence just reads awkwardly.
So nice seeing you again! I will refrain from critiquing any of your poetry, as I always feel woefully inept at the task, but I will certainly keep an eye out for future story postings.
One of you many devoted fans,
Linda
Comment Written 05-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2009
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So nice to se you here ..Pughwee! Wow! I thought you had left...haven't seen any of your work in awhile? Thanks for the comments and help...Off to correct same right now...Take care...See you soon....Bob
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So nice to se you here ..Pughwee! Wow! I thought you had left...haven't seen any of your work in awhile? Thanks for the comments and help...Off to correct same right now...Take care...See you soon....Bob
Comment from Psychoholic
This is, overall, an enjoyable story to read. The dialogue seems very natural and the descriptions are original.
(...her mouth tasted like the bottom of a birdcage.) Definitely not a pleasing taste to think about it.
The only area I noticed that seemed odd to me was near the very end.
(There are moments in a person's life when they think the last few feet of film have snapped loose from the reel. When that happens, they hear their own blood thundering in their ears or a sound like the thunder of waves on a rocky shore. When they see these images in their sleep or experience them in their working day, they know they do not represent a negotiable fate. The images are indeed their future, and no exception will be made for them.)
When I read over the end again I omitted these four sentences and it seemed to flow much nicer since my mind's eye never came off of Duddles.
That is really the only small thing I would look twice at. Other than that there is natural sounding dialogue, original descriptions, and enough tension to keep someone reading to see what happens to these three characters.
reply by the author on 21-May-2009
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This is, overall, an enjoyable story to read. The dialogue seems very natural and the descriptions are original.
(...her mouth tasted like the bottom of a birdcage.) Definitely not a pleasing taste to think about it.
The only area I noticed that seemed odd to me was near the very end.
(There are moments in a person's life when they think the last few feet of film have snapped loose from the reel. When that happens, they hear their own blood thundering in their ears or a sound like the thunder of waves on a rocky shore. When they see these images in their sleep or experience them in their working day, they know they do not represent a negotiable fate. The images are indeed their future, and no exception will be made for them.)
When I read over the end again I omitted these four sentences and it seemed to flow much nicer since my mind's eye never came off of Duddles.
That is really the only small thing I would look twice at. Other than that there is natural sounding dialogue, original descriptions, and enough tension to keep someone reading to see what happens to these three characters.
Comment Written 21-May-2009
reply by the author on 21-May-2009
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Thanks so much, psychoholic, I appreciate your comments and the rating...I will watch for your work, also...Bob (Mastery)
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Thanks so much, psychoholic, I appreciate your comments and the rating...I will watch for your work, also...Bob (Mastery)
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Thanks so much, psychoholic, I appreciate your comments and the rating...I will watch for your work, also...Bob (Mastery)
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Thanks so much, psychoholic, I appreciate your comments and the rating...I will watch for your work, also...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from NightHawK~
Hi Bob!
With some tweaks, this is easily a sixer!
/ / = suggest delete
{ } = suggest add
The two issues I had with this was POV switches, which distracted instead of enhancing, and that Duddles capacity for violence hadn't been foreshowed, at least not in a way that I picked up on it. As for the POV, I'd suggest starting with Duddles like you did and foreshadowing his capacity for violence and that Clarence does not know about Duddles propensity in that section; and then go to Shelly's POV for awhile and then switch back to Duddles for the climax.
It was covered with a screen /and/{.} Duddles Custer had only allowed for one opening, other than the door, when he built the house twenty-one years earlier.
(okay--POV jump-tracking) "Let's go," said the woman, as she leaned her body into the man. Her voice was a low, thick whisper in the man's ear, her fingers like the brush of a bird's wing on his thigh.
When he cracked his window, a /strong/, pungent odor assaulted their nostrils. (Covered by pungent & assault)
The truth was the man wanted a drink. Not ease back into old habits, either, with a casual Manhattan sipped at a brass-rail bar with red leather booths and rows of gleaming glasses stacked in front of a long wall mirror. Rather, he craved kick-ass boilermakers with Jack Daniels and draft beer, or Beam straight up with water chaser, raw tequila that left him breathless and boiling in his own juices. And what's more, he wanted it in a knock-down, backstreet, lowbrow dumpy saloon where he didn't have to account for any of his subsequent ridiculous actions. (Love it--Very James Lee Burke-ish)
She had a pale indoor face (Nice)
"Damn!" He muttered as he yanked his suspenders up over his shoulders. Now I'll miss Jeopardy. Company, ha! Here we go again. Gimme, gimme, gimmee. He wished he lived thousands of miles away from people whose lives were modeled on the lyrics of country-and-western songs. (Back to Duddles)
"Clarence has told me so much about you/./{,}" she said as she checked out her surroundings.
"Hey! Where's the toilet/,/{?}" said Shelly. "I've got to piss like a racehorse."
Shelly remembered, briefly /about/ the times she'd gone through her father's pockets while he slept.
his eyes were like those of a man trying to figure out how to get inside a bus after the doors have been closed on him. His eyes (2 "his eyes"?)
[one of his heartbeats smacking in his ears](used this earlier). He was having difficulty breathing.. His pulse raced with the spiked adrenaline racing through his veins.
[Suddenly], Clarence loosened his grip.(there's a ton of 'suddenly' in this story)
Duddles stared at him with vacant eyes.
There are moments in a person's life when they think the last few feet of film have snapped loose from the reel. (Now you're in omniscient Voice)
When that happens, they hear their own blood thundering in their ears or a sound like the thunder(2 'thunder'?)
Duddles /quickly/ ripped the sheets off the bed.
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Hi Bob!
With some tweaks, this is easily a sixer!
/ / = suggest delete
{ } = suggest add
The two issues I had with this was POV switches, which distracted instead of enhancing, and that Duddles capacity for violence hadn't been foreshowed, at least not in a way that I picked up on it. As for the POV, I'd suggest starting with Duddles like you did and foreshadowing his capacity for violence and that Clarence does not know about Duddles propensity in that section; and then go to Shelly's POV for awhile and then switch back to Duddles for the climax.
It was covered with a screen /and/{.} Duddles Custer had only allowed for one opening, other than the door, when he built the house twenty-one years earlier.
(okay--POV jump-tracking) "Let's go," said the woman, as she leaned her body into the man. Her voice was a low, thick whisper in the man's ear, her fingers like the brush of a bird's wing on his thigh.
When he cracked his window, a /strong/, pungent odor assaulted their nostrils. (Covered by pungent & assault)
The truth was the man wanted a drink. Not ease back into old habits, either, with a casual Manhattan sipped at a brass-rail bar with red leather booths and rows of gleaming glasses stacked in front of a long wall mirror. Rather, he craved kick-ass boilermakers with Jack Daniels and draft beer, or Beam straight up with water chaser, raw tequila that left him breathless and boiling in his own juices. And what's more, he wanted it in a knock-down, backstreet, lowbrow dumpy saloon where he didn't have to account for any of his subsequent ridiculous actions. (Love it--Very James Lee Burke-ish)
She had a pale indoor face (Nice)
"Damn!" He muttered as he yanked his suspenders up over his shoulders. Now I'll miss Jeopardy. Company, ha! Here we go again. Gimme, gimme, gimmee. He wished he lived thousands of miles away from people whose lives were modeled on the lyrics of country-and-western songs. (Back to Duddles)
"Clarence has told me so much about you/./{,}" she said as she checked out her surroundings.
"Hey! Where's the toilet/,/{?}" said Shelly. "I've got to piss like a racehorse."
Shelly remembered, briefly /about/ the times she'd gone through her father's pockets while he slept.
his eyes were like those of a man trying to figure out how to get inside a bus after the doors have been closed on him. His eyes (2 "his eyes"?)
[one of his heartbeats smacking in his ears](used this earlier). He was having difficulty breathing.. His pulse raced with the spiked adrenaline racing through his veins.
[Suddenly], Clarence loosened his grip.(there's a ton of 'suddenly' in this story)
Duddles stared at him with vacant eyes.
There are moments in a person's life when they think the last few feet of film have snapped loose from the reel. (Now you're in omniscient Voice)
When that happens, they hear their own blood thundering in their ears or a sound like the thunder(2 'thunder'?)
Duddles /quickly/ ripped the sheets off the bed.
Comment Written 20-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Hi, Hawk...Hey, thanks for the rating and the help. I can always use that. I took all of your suggestions except the POV...I feel okay with that...The only other thing is you mentioned there was "a ton" of "suddenlys" in the story...I only found two and eliminated one of them...Am I missing something? Thanks again, Bob
Comment from sharon fallis
but it was (it was) easy to make out the worn spots....You doubled up on the 'it was'.
Bob, you are up to your old tricks. Very good story. Lots of gore and naughty language. Feed the Pigs. I can remember my grandpa telling me to keep away from the hog pens, because they liked to eat people. Sends chills up my back remembering. Thanks Sharon
reply by the author on 19-May-2009
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but it was (it was) easy to make out the worn spots....You doubled up on the 'it was'.
Bob, you are up to your old tricks. Very good story. Lots of gore and naughty language. Feed the Pigs. I can remember my grandpa telling me to keep away from the hog pens, because they liked to eat people. Sends chills up my back remembering. Thanks Sharon
Comment Written 19-May-2009
reply by the author on 19-May-2009
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Whew! Thanks for catching that one, Sharon..Of all the people who have reviewed it...nobody saw it...LOL..Hi, Glad to see you again! Been getting your e-mails but haven't been onFS for nearly two years! I appreciate your kind review as always, Sharon...Bob
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Whew! Thanks for catching that one, Sharon..Of all the people who have reviewed it...nobody saw it...LOL..Hi, Glad to see you again! Been getting your e-mails but haven't been onFS for nearly two years! I appreciate your kind review as always, Sharon...Bob
Comment from Annmuma
You have an outstanding ability of description! Great dialogue and just a superiorly written story. Glad I found your work. ann
He gazed at the house, his shoulders erect to compensate for the way his stomach spilled over his belt. His face was slightly flushed, his small mouth pinched. Cheeks that were flecked with tiny blue and red veins. Yet, his arms were thick and powerful, deeply bronzed by the sun, they bore numerous scars, scabs and at least a dozen tattoos covering a variety of subject matter from mothers to sex and Harley-Davidson. His eyes were washed out, pale blue, the pupils like burnt match heads, his face manic and tight against the bone and ridged with bruises along the jaw. His hair was tied in a matador's twist on the nape of his neck.
I've never read a more complete or vivid description. Excellent!
reply by the author on 18-May-2009
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You have an outstanding ability of description! Great dialogue and just a superiorly written story. Glad I found your work. ann
He gazed at the house, his shoulders erect to compensate for the way his stomach spilled over his belt. His face was slightly flushed, his small mouth pinched. Cheeks that were flecked with tiny blue and red veins. Yet, his arms were thick and powerful, deeply bronzed by the sun, they bore numerous scars, scabs and at least a dozen tattoos covering a variety of subject matter from mothers to sex and Harley-Davidson. His eyes were washed out, pale blue, the pupils like burnt match heads, his face manic and tight against the bone and ridged with bruises along the jaw. His hair was tied in a matador's twist on the nape of his neck.
I've never read a more complete or vivid description. Excellent!
Comment Written 18-May-2009
reply by the author on 18-May-2009
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Thank you so, so much, Ann...Coming from you, it is an honor , indeed...I think I can spot a good writer when I read one...Bob
Comment from Bakhir
Oh be still my beating heart! It's really you... what pure delight to have you back!!
Your descriptive powers remain incredible. Your characters are rich and vivid and oh-so-unpleasant!
When he Cracked => cracked <= his window
>>people whose lives were modeled on the lyrics of country-and-western songs.<< Great line!
>>Her head swiveled in his direction.=> " <= Who are you kiddin,<<
>>His mother would have been better off if she had thrown him away and raised the afterbirth<< Fantastic!
This story of yours had me going until the last line. Yuch :>)
What's happening with Cleve????
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Oh be still my beating heart! It's really you... what pure delight to have you back!!
Your descriptive powers remain incredible. Your characters are rich and vivid and oh-so-unpleasant!
When he Cracked => cracked <= his window
>>people whose lives were modeled on the lyrics of country-and-western songs.<< Great line!
>>Her head swiveled in his direction.=> " <= Who are you kiddin,<<
>>His mother would have been better off if she had thrown him away and raised the afterbirth<< Fantastic!
This story of yours had me going until the last line. Yuch :>)
What's happening with Cleve????
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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So good to hear from you again...How in the hell did you find my story? On your fan list, eh? LOL. Thanks for the compliments and the help with my slips...Great hearing from you and thanks again...Bob
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Now that you're back.. I'm still waiting to finish your book. Although I have given up on the bated breath...........................
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You're talking about the detective novel, right? I abandoned thatg two years ago, may continue at some point, but not right now, I',m afraid...Thanks, Bob
Comment from Diny
Geeze Bob- not a pretty storu- but well told as usual- It's so good to see you here again- Hows life been treating you?- This is the winner no doubt in my mind- I 've missed you old friend- Your discriptions and style are truly great.
The only comment i have is he keeps hearing his heartbeats repeatedly- perhaps you could say the same thing differently- like the pulse in his hears felt as if it would burst...
Bob- you are the master- and hope you start posting again more- Diana
reply by the author on 14-May-2009
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Geeze Bob- not a pretty storu- but well told as usual- It's so good to see you here again- Hows life been treating you?- This is the winner no doubt in my mind- I 've missed you old friend- Your discriptions and style are truly great.
The only comment i have is he keeps hearing his heartbeats repeatedly- perhaps you could say the same thing differently- like the pulse in his hears felt as if it would burst...
Bob- you are the master- and hope you start posting again more- Diana
Comment Written 14-May-2009
reply by the author on 14-May-2009
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Hi, stranger! How have you been? I missed you, also. You have a great suggestion, there. Take care and I will keep an eye out for your work as usual, Bob
Comment from tkmartin
Great story. I loved the imagery and thought the dialogue was brilliant. Well done on producing an enjoyable, well constructed piece. Good luck in the contest.
cheers
:)TK
reply by the author on 14-May-2009
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Great story. I loved the imagery and thought the dialogue was brilliant. Well done on producing an enjoyable, well constructed piece. Good luck in the contest.
cheers
:)TK
Comment Written 14-May-2009
reply by the author on 14-May-2009
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Thanks so much TK...I appreciate your comments and will be watching for your work also...Bob (Mastery)
