Comment from zydecosal

Excellent

Another excellent poem. The rhyming was great and these are just a few suggestions. I like the messages you send in your poems. Very meaningful.

1st stanza, last line - you're standing there
2nd stanza - probably doesn't need any commas
3rd stanza - as we sip 'our' wine instead of some wine
3rd stanza - Beneath instead of underneath perhaps?

zydecosal - Sally
5th stanza - probably doesn't need any commas

 Comment Written 07-May-2009

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reply by the author on 07-May-2009

Thank you so very much, I took all of your advise and made the proper changes. I am glad you liked the poem. take care
Larry

Comment from creativewriterUK

Excellent

A great little poem that tells a fantasy story that can easily be related to. It flows very well and is easy to understand. I like the rhyming scheme very much, but if the line:

By crystal blue lakes, as we sip some wine

read: By crystal blue lakes you looked sublime,

It would be like two children playing knights and maidens. However, it works in it's own right. The above is only a suggestion that struck me as I read it. Great little poem... Keith.

 Comment Written 03-May-2009

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reply by the author on 03-May-2009

Thank you so much for your kind words and the suggestion I could see how that might work as well, but in this case we will keep it like it is. Take care.
Larry

reply by creativewriterUK on 03-May-2009

You are very welcome, I enjoyed it evry much as it was, keep it coming, I look forward to more... Keith.

Comment from Poorfox

Good

This is off to a fine start, but there is one teensy improvement I'd like to suggest.

"And you my lady"

In my personal opinion - which might not be the same as yours, or anyone else's - I think it could sound better if you change it to:

"And you, my lady"

This, I feel, will change the feel of this line ever so slightly, placing more emphasis on the word "my," making a definite change in perception; she isn't just a lady, being spoken to by title out of respect, but rather "my lady" - your lady? - and the poem would hold so much more power because of it.

But hey, if you disagree, glare at your screen for thirty seconds, then promptly proceed to ignore everything I've said. Poetry, after all, is freedom.

 Comment Written 03-May-2009

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reply by the author on 03-May-2009

Thanks for the kid words and to let you know I took your advice and put that comma in there. Glad you enjoyed the poem.
If you can get into my portfolio I have another poem called My Lady as well. Take care.
Larry

Comment from Justin Chopin

Excellent

Very nicely done. Really enjoyed reading this piece like something Lancelot would tell Guinvere. Excellent job with the poetry. Excellent job with everything.

 Comment Written 03-May-2009

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reply by the author on 03-May-2009

Thank you for your kind words, I am so glad you enjoyed it.
Larry