A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Fifth Grade"Autobiography of abuse
18 total reviews
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Another riviting story that flows smoothly. The voice of the terrified and confused fifth grade girl comes through with authenticity. The only typo that I could see in the body of the story was, "...was more frightening THAN being sent away." -- not "then." There are three typos in the introduction: "physcally and emotioally" should be "physically and emotionally." Also in the introduction, the second reference of the name "Valerie" is missing an "i." I am happy to re-review when the corrections are made. Again, this is compelling and emotionally charged writing. Great work.
Seraph ~
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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Another riviting story that flows smoothly. The voice of the terrified and confused fifth grade girl comes through with authenticity. The only typo that I could see in the body of the story was, "...was more frightening THAN being sent away." -- not "then." There are three typos in the introduction: "physcally and emotioally" should be "physically and emotionally." Also in the introduction, the second reference of the name "Valerie" is missing an "i." I am happy to re-review when the corrections are made. Again, this is compelling and emotionally charged writing. Great work.
Seraph ~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Your corrections are greatly appreciated a I will give them my immediate attention. Thank you
Comment from badaner
Smurphgirl, I couldn't find a single thing to point out. Your writing is beautiful. Simple, unadorned dialogue spoken from the heart, is what makes this truamatic story so powerful. Who could not help but want to love and protect this innocent wisp of a girl, so cruelly robbed of her childhood.
There are evil people in this world.
(He had little patience for what he called Bonnie's pathetic and unnecessary blubbering over her mother's death. He told her that losing a mother was nothing compared to the pain he felt losing a wife.)
How dreadful is that?
I wanted to believe Bonnie, (but I had lived with the fear I would be sent away for so long) it was as much a part of me as my name. No matter how much I wanted Daddy to stop, there was no way I was going to tell mom.
I cannot even begin to imagine what that must have been like.
could not stop crying. Bonnie tried to comfort me, but I told her I wanted to be alone. She hugged me and said she would call me later. After she left, I went into the bathroom and threw up. I did not know when the baby was going to start growing, but when it did, (I knew everyone would find out I was a dirty, nasty girl. Everyone would hate me.) Daddy was right. When they found out my secret they would all want to send me away.
As I said, there are evil people in this world.
I hope you can get your book published, Smurphgirl ... women the world over need to be more vigilant in their own homes. Quite often the enemy is within.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
badaner x
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Smurphgirl, I couldn't find a single thing to point out. Your writing is beautiful. Simple, unadorned dialogue spoken from the heart, is what makes this truamatic story so powerful. Who could not help but want to love and protect this innocent wisp of a girl, so cruelly robbed of her childhood.
There are evil people in this world.
(He had little patience for what he called Bonnie's pathetic and unnecessary blubbering over her mother's death. He told her that losing a mother was nothing compared to the pain he felt losing a wife.)
How dreadful is that?
I wanted to believe Bonnie, (but I had lived with the fear I would be sent away for so long) it was as much a part of me as my name. No matter how much I wanted Daddy to stop, there was no way I was going to tell mom.
I cannot even begin to imagine what that must have been like.
could not stop crying. Bonnie tried to comfort me, but I told her I wanted to be alone. She hugged me and said she would call me later. After she left, I went into the bathroom and threw up. I did not know when the baby was going to start growing, but when it did, (I knew everyone would find out I was a dirty, nasty girl. Everyone would hate me.) Daddy was right. When they found out my secret they would all want to send me away.
As I said, there are evil people in this world.
I hope you can get your book published, Smurphgirl ... women the world over need to be more vigilant in their own homes. Quite often the enemy is within.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
badaner x
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank you so very much for your reviw. I appreciate your detailed comments.
Comment from jadapenn
I don't think I've read any of your work before. The title - a leaf on the wind seems very apt for this work. This poor child is being abused and she doesn't even know how a baby is made. It turned my stomach and tore at my heart. Your character is well developed and I loved the chapter.
Well written. regards jada
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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I don't think I've read any of your work before. The title - a leaf on the wind seems very apt for this work. This poor child is being abused and she doesn't even know how a baby is made. It turned my stomach and tore at my heart. Your character is well developed and I loved the chapter.
Well written. regards jada
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank you for our kind words. I truly appeciate your comments.
Comment from MsRefusenik
Thank God she is making a friend who will talk to her about what's happening, but she needs to learn more so she doesn't become more of a wreck. Good writing.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank God she is making a friend who will talk to her about what's happening, but she needs to learn more so she doesn't become more of a wreck. Good writing.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your king words. Yes, she needs to learn more to alleviate the unbearable stress.
Comment from chaswriter
Smurphgirl - I enjoyed the chapter with its good storyline and strong characters in a terrible situation. You show Valerie's emotions well.
Here are some suggestions:
After years of sexual abuse(,) Valerie continues to suffer physcally and emotioally. Discovering her father molesting her baby sister(, Valerie) decided a change is a good thing.
I made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches(,) and we went outside and sat on the porch to eat our snack.
Bonnie tried to comfort me(,) but I told her I wanted to be alone.
I did not know when the baby was going to start growing(,) but when it did, I knew everyone would find out I was a dirty, nasty girl.
When the baby did start to grow(,) everyone would know my secret and everyone would hate me.
Hope that helps. Charlie
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Smurphgirl - I enjoyed the chapter with its good storyline and strong characters in a terrible situation. You show Valerie's emotions well.
Here are some suggestions:
After years of sexual abuse(,) Valerie continues to suffer physcally and emotioally. Discovering her father molesting her baby sister(, Valerie) decided a change is a good thing.
I made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches(,) and we went outside and sat on the porch to eat our snack.
Bonnie tried to comfort me(,) but I told her I wanted to be alone.
I did not know when the baby was going to start growing(,) but when it did, I knew everyone would find out I was a dirty, nasty girl.
When the baby did start to grow(,) everyone would know my secret and everyone would hate me.
Hope that helps. Charlie
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank you for you kind remarks and helpful suggestions.
Comment from jojosug
Your story both turns my stomach upside dawn and makes me so angry with THAT man! I want to reach out and cuddle that sad little girl and make it all right for her. The writing is raw, brutal with wonderful clarity. A very well done.
Jo
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Your story both turns my stomach upside dawn and makes me so angry with THAT man! I want to reach out and cuddle that sad little girl and make it all right for her. The writing is raw, brutal with wonderful clarity. A very well done.
Jo
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I truly appreciate your comments.
Comment from Jnetgame
Great chapter.You show the progression of Valerie's thoughts and feelings well. Just a couple of minor edits for you to look at:
"Who cares how babies get inside the mother's stomach(?)"
"When they found out my secret(,) they would all want to send me away."
Keep up the excellent work.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Great chapter.You show the progression of Valerie's thoughts and feelings well. Just a couple of minor edits for you to look at:
"Who cares how babies get inside the mother's stomach(?)"
"When they found out my secret(,) they would all want to send me away."
Keep up the excellent work.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your kind words and helpful suggestions.
Comment from howling harp
its perfect in that you captured her fear and confusion so well. you also identify the stereo types that prevent recealing the situation very well. loved it and hated him for bing like that to her. great stuff
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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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its perfect in that you captured her fear and confusion so well. you also identify the stereo types that prevent recealing the situation very well. loved it and hated him for bing like that to her. great stuff
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2009
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Thank you, I sincerely appreciate your coments.
