There Will Be A Day
Seven different stories within a song.63 total reviews
Comment from KelinaJ
Incredible image selection.
In the section after (no more pain), In the first sentence, "he sit alone" should be "he sits alone".
So much sadness, desperation, and hope, too. The emotions come through extremely well, even though none of the scenes are directly related or very long. A wonderful piece.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Incredible image selection.
In the section after (no more pain), In the first sentence, "he sit alone" should be "he sits alone".
So much sadness, desperation, and hope, too. The emotions come through extremely well, even though none of the scenes are directly related or very long. A wonderful piece.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much for the fantastic six-star review. I am honored. I fixed that nit. Thank you so much. You made my night!
Jan
Comment from TheDon
I like the way you juxtapose the story with the song.
It amy seem like a lot of work based on the length of this, but I consider them only "adjustments" in the grand scheme of things. You started strong in terms of avoiding the passive, but then the passive crept in. I think I found most of it, but double-check to be sure (in fact, I know I missed at least one).
Original Text: ...she runs from the shed and hides the gun, before she calls 911.
Suggested Revision: ...she runs from the shed and hides the gun before she calls 911. (removes the unneeded comma)
Original: 'No, dear one. I have sent someone who understands. Go home. Let them help you.'
Suggested: 'No, dear one. I have sent someone who understands. Go home. Let him help you.' (I believe the "him" is the "someone" referred to in the previous sentence)
Original: he sit alone
Suggested: he sits alone (subject-predicate agreement)
Original: He is hungry but food will not stay down.
Suggested: He craves, but food will not stay down. (remove the passive)
Original: but he is afraid to let go of the pain.
Suggested: but he fears letting go of the pain. (remove the passive)
Original: It is the only friend he has left.
Suggested: It stands the only friend he has left. (remove the passive)
I hope this helps and good luck.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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I like the way you juxtapose the story with the song.
It amy seem like a lot of work based on the length of this, but I consider them only "adjustments" in the grand scheme of things. You started strong in terms of avoiding the passive, but then the passive crept in. I think I found most of it, but double-check to be sure (in fact, I know I missed at least one).
Original Text: ...she runs from the shed and hides the gun, before she calls 911.
Suggested Revision: ...she runs from the shed and hides the gun before she calls 911. (removes the unneeded comma)
Original: 'No, dear one. I have sent someone who understands. Go home. Let them help you.'
Suggested: 'No, dear one. I have sent someone who understands. Go home. Let him help you.' (I believe the "him" is the "someone" referred to in the previous sentence)
Original: he sit alone
Suggested: he sits alone (subject-predicate agreement)
Original: He is hungry but food will not stay down.
Suggested: He craves, but food will not stay down. (remove the passive)
Original: but he is afraid to let go of the pain.
Suggested: but he fears letting go of the pain. (remove the passive)
Original: It is the only friend he has left.
Suggested: It stands the only friend he has left. (remove the passive)
I hope this helps and good luck.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Thank you for the good review. I have changed just about everything you suggested. Where I didn't feel comfortable with the wording, I tweaked, but probably not the way you reommended. I do appreciate the suggestions and thanks for catching the nit (sit/sits).
Jan
Comment from syndactl
A beautiful and inspired piece, Janilou. This brought tears to my eyes as I read it. Especially under the titles, "No More Pain", and "We'll see Jesus face to face."
I know that you based this on Jeremy Camps song, but it really brings to my mind the song "Hold on to Jesus" by Steven Curtis Chapman. This was such an encouraging piece, because I know there will come a day when sorrow, pain, fear, temptation, and the burdens of this world will be gone. That will be the day we go home at last.
Thank you for posting this, Jan. It made me cry, and then it made me dry my tears and say "Thank you, Lord Jesus"!
-Drew
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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A beautiful and inspired piece, Janilou. This brought tears to my eyes as I read it. Especially under the titles, "No More Pain", and "We'll see Jesus face to face."
I know that you based this on Jeremy Camps song, but it really brings to my mind the song "Hold on to Jesus" by Steven Curtis Chapman. This was such an encouraging piece, because I know there will come a day when sorrow, pain, fear, temptation, and the burdens of this world will be gone. That will be the day we go home at last.
Thank you for posting this, Jan. It made me cry, and then it made me dry my tears and say "Thank you, Lord Jesus"!
-Drew
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much, Drew. Not just for the stars, which are of course, wonderful, but for your comments which blessed my heart so much. Steven Curtis Chapman is another favorite of mine. :-)
Bless your heart. I am so blessed to read this review.
Jan
Comment from mmichelle97219
There are some situations there are no words for. Sometimes a hand to hold, arms to hug, and a shoulder to cry on are the most we can give, and the best thing to receive. Its a good post, Jan.
Michelle
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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There are some situations there are no words for. Sometimes a hand to hold, arms to hug, and a shoulder to cry on are the most we can give, and the best thing to receive. Its a good post, Jan.
Michelle
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much, Michelle. You are right -- that is sometimes the best thing we can give or receive.
Jan
Comment from tteach
Over and over, you tell tales of suffering. We hear of the starving child, the depressed husband, the lonely souls...yet you also speak of revelation, salvation, exaltation.
Everything is woven together by the words of a song.
The piece is touching, and serves to remind us how very lucky we all are, in this day and age, when there is so much suffering in the world.
terry
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Over and over, you tell tales of suffering. We hear of the starving child, the depressed husband, the lonely souls...yet you also speak of revelation, salvation, exaltation.
Everything is woven together by the words of a song.
The piece is touching, and serves to remind us how very lucky we all are, in this day and age, when there is so much suffering in the world.
terry
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much, Terry. Yes, sorry, I guess it really hits home to me lately.
Glad you enjoyed the positive side of this story.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Jan,
This is a great piece. I wished I could give you six stars, but, I can't.
You did an outstanding job writing this piece. You captured very sistuation very well.
Outstanding!
Lynn
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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Hi Jan,
This is a great piece. I wished I could give you six stars, but, I can't.
You did an outstanding job writing this piece. You captured very sistuation very well.
Outstanding!
Lynn
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2008
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That's okay, Lynn. Knowing you wanted to give it six is good enough for me. Bless your heart.
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from shelley kaye
use the basic editor - so much easier and no tantrums :)
great little stories
typo?
wore path <-- did you mean worN?
thanx for sharing! :-)
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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use the basic editor - so much easier and no tantrums :)
great little stories
typo?
wore path <-- did you mean worN?
thanx for sharing! :-)
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much, shelley kaye. If I use the basic editor, I'd have to enter my own HTML, right? Hmmm, might be easier than dealing with EE.
Thanks for catching the typo. I have corrected it.
Jan
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yea but if you google "html codes cheatsheet" most of the links that come up are so easy to get!
(just don't forget the closing code - it's not pretty if you do LOL)
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Thank you so much! :-)
Jan
Comment from lovemyta
Good message. It is hard on me to read it due to my sadness. I am getting a divorce and it is hard on me to read things such as this. Good message though.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Good message. It is hard on me to read it due to my sadness. I am getting a divorce and it is hard on me to read things such as this. Good message though.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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I have been there, and I remember how hard it was to face each hour, much less every day. (((Hugs))) for you. Thank you for the review. Remember, there will be a day with no more pain, fear or tears.
Jani
Comment from lindamo
Good evening Janilou,
I like the idea of responding to the inspiration from a meaningful song. You did a great job representing the myriad struggles individuals face prior to being lifted up to the Lord.
A couple of things:
I caught myself rereading two-lined verse in stanza 4 to fully understand what was happening. Does "her" husband deliver news of soldiers' deaths?
It wasn't until the 5th section/stanza that I realized these were unrelated events. Prior to this stanza, I thought the "he" and "she" were the characters from the first stanza.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Well done!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Good evening Janilou,
I like the idea of responding to the inspiration from a meaningful song. You did a great job representing the myriad struggles individuals face prior to being lifted up to the Lord.
A couple of things:
I caught myself rereading two-lined verse in stanza 4 to fully understand what was happening. Does "her" husband deliver news of soldiers' deaths?
It wasn't until the 5th section/stanza that I realized these were unrelated events. Prior to this stanza, I thought the "he" and "she" were the characters from the first stanza.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Well done!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Yes, her husband is one of the military personel who goes to inform families of their soldier's death. I added a line to the description to clarify these were seven different stories within the song. Thanks for the good review.
Jani
Comment from Dianemae
What a wonderufl moving story. Each one has a powerful message. I am very blessed and am able to read and think of others. I hope someone, somewhere reads this and thinks of themself.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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What a wonderufl moving story. Each one has a powerful message. I am very blessed and am able to read and think of others. I hope someone, somewhere reads this and thinks of themself.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Thank you so much for the fabulous review.
Hugs,
Jan
