Aftermath of a Child's Prayer
The day my mother's loss did not kill my faith.59 total reviews
Comment from JennieClare
Just read this piece - I've an idea at some point to write some of my own - my own son died of cancer some 11 years ago at the age of 18 and this has inspired me to write about it although it may take some time. Many thanks - god bless - Jennieclare
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2010
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Just read this piece - I've an idea at some point to write some of my own - my own son died of cancer some 11 years ago at the age of 18 and this has inspired me to write about it although it may take some time. Many thanks - god bless - Jennieclare
Comment Written 16-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2010
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I'm so sorry, Jennie, to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine anything more grievous than losing one of my children. I am so glad you found meaning in my essay. Thanks so much. Brooke
Comment from mmichelle97219
I like your story, and found it a facinating and sincere read. However, it is not ready for publication yet (my criteria for a five), and I have notes a few of the problems below.
Good luck in the contest
Michelle
I had been sent to her house as everyone knew the night would end in death in my home.= comma after house
My mother was reaching the end of her six month battle with liver cancer. = should be six-month
The next week was a flurry of Mommy's brothers and sisters arriving from Long Island for the funeral and people's hugging me.= should be people
God lets those matters unfold as life would have them. = comma after unfold
The drunken driver survives while the family he broadsided all die.= The sentence reads a little awkward try this: The drunken driver survies; the family he broadsides dies. It makes for clearer cleaner language
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2008
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I like your story, and found it a facinating and sincere read. However, it is not ready for publication yet (my criteria for a five), and I have notes a few of the problems below.
Good luck in the contest
Michelle
I had been sent to her house as everyone knew the night would end in death in my home.= comma after house
My mother was reaching the end of her six month battle with liver cancer. = should be six-month
The next week was a flurry of Mommy's brothers and sisters arriving from Long Island for the funeral and people's hugging me.= should be people
God lets those matters unfold as life would have them. = comma after unfold
The drunken driver survives while the family he broadsided all die.= The sentence reads a little awkward try this: The drunken driver survies; the family he broadsides dies. It makes for clearer cleaner language
Comment Written 05-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2008
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I had been sent - you want a comma here - I see no reason for it - one places a comma AFTER an adverb clause if an adverb clause begins a sentence, but not before an adverb clause.
After a long night of playing cards, we went home.
We went home after a long night of playing cards.
people's hugging me is the use of possessive before a gerund. Hugging is the gerund form of the verb hug by which the word has become a noun. One uses possessive before a gerund. This was done quite on purpose.
God lets those matter unfold as, Again I would place a comma after an adverb clause had it begun that sentence but not before an adverb clause used at the end of a sentence
The drunken driver sentence is a matter of stylistic preference - I have no problem with the way I've presented it though have no problem with your alternative either
I will concede a should have a hyphen in six-month battle
I thank you for taking so much time to comment on my essay.
Brooke
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I have returned to the essay and added the hyphen.
Comment from cowgirl8686
Very well written (only one error scar to scare). It flows well and the tone is well done for the thoughts of a child. A child sees these types of things from the outside and often has to work through their own questions as adults are uncomfortable taling to children about death. You made some wise conclusions. "The rain falls on the just and the unjust' and in a fallen world, where humans have free will anything can happen to anyone anytime. I agree totally that GOd is there to get us through, give us perspective and help us grow more loving and sensitive from tragedy rather than becoming bitter and angry. Still, losing ones mom as a childIS a hard blow. You handle the discussion with maturity. thank you, Lynne
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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Very well written (only one error scar to scare). It flows well and the tone is well done for the thoughts of a child. A child sees these types of things from the outside and often has to work through their own questions as adults are uncomfortable taling to children about death. You made some wise conclusions. "The rain falls on the just and the unjust' and in a fallen world, where humans have free will anything can happen to anyone anytime. I agree totally that GOd is there to get us through, give us perspective and help us grow more loving and sensitive from tragedy rather than becoming bitter and angry. Still, losing ones mom as a childIS a hard blow. You handle the discussion with maturity. thank you, Lynne
Comment Written 28-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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I did mean scar, not scare
Thanks so very much for your most compassionate and thoughtful review. Peace, Brooke
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Oh sorry, I gues I should stay awya from copyediting. I'm really bad at it. take care, Lynne
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Oh sorry, I guess I should stay away from copyediting. I'm really bad at it. take care, Lynne
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No problem at all - your response was kind and lovely.
Comment from WordPainter
What a treasure! I felt like I was right there with you. I could see your lonely vigil from the house next door. I could only wonder at the emotions you must have felt as you knew "they" were all together and had each other through this sad time, but you were separated from the ones you needed most.
No wonder God chose to wake you in the middle of the night. He wanted you to have the opportunity to experience closure, and he wanted to be right there with you when all others had left you to face it alone.
Just a couple of things that are very minor but I thought I'd toss them out:
"The lights were all out in my neighbor's house..." I'm wondering if that might be a little less bumpy for the opening if you wrote, "All the lights were out in my neighbor's house...." Says same thing, just sounds a little smoother to me to help them glide on into the story.
Also, "and people's hugging" I'm wondering if people's should be possessive. Probably could be, but it complicates it more, I think. Might be a little smoother here as well to just say "and people hugging, maybe with a comma after "funeral."
Your call, of course. Just some ideas that may or may not work.
I followed you all the way through. God planted a seed of faith that night that has carried you all life long.
God bless you,
WordPainter (Lois)
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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What a treasure! I felt like I was right there with you. I could see your lonely vigil from the house next door. I could only wonder at the emotions you must have felt as you knew "they" were all together and had each other through this sad time, but you were separated from the ones you needed most.
No wonder God chose to wake you in the middle of the night. He wanted you to have the opportunity to experience closure, and he wanted to be right there with you when all others had left you to face it alone.
Just a couple of things that are very minor but I thought I'd toss them out:
"The lights were all out in my neighbor's house..." I'm wondering if that might be a little less bumpy for the opening if you wrote, "All the lights were out in my neighbor's house...." Says same thing, just sounds a little smoother to me to help them glide on into the story.
Also, "and people's hugging" I'm wondering if people's should be possessive. Probably could be, but it complicates it more, I think. Might be a little smoother here as well to just say "and people hugging, maybe with a comma after "funeral."
Your call, of course. Just some ideas that may or may not work.
I followed you all the way through. God planted a seed of faith that night that has carried you all life long.
God bless you,
WordPainter (Lois)
Comment Written 28-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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Thank you so much for your most kind comments. I do so appreciate them. People's hugging is use of possessive before a gerund, which is correct and how I wanted to say it :-) Peace, Brooke
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I really enjoyed your story. No problem with the possessive, there are so many ways that work in our stories, and we have to choose what makes the story ours. You always do such a great job with your poetry. I believe this is the first prose I've read from you, and I must say your prose is as excellent as your poetry.
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I do not write many essays here but have, in my lifetime, written far more essays than poems :-) thank you!
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It was a treat to get to read this one!
Comment from chaswriter
Brooke - This is a very moving essay that you write. I, myself, could not write something so touching and inner-searching. Loved it.
Here are some suggestions:
My family had sent me to stay with my friend(,) Karen Christopher(,) for the night.
I can't attest to that except for what I've been told(,) because my mother
I sat up in the bed I was sharing with my friend(,) Karen(,) and stared out her window into the one window that was lighted in my house.
I prayed (with) ardent words not on my normal list of nightly bedtime prayers.
Sometime after midnight on May 28, 1959(,) the light went out in my mother's room.
His words are lost to my memory, but the feeling that gripped me is not. - This sentence is in present tense. Is that acceptable?
The next week was a flurry of Mommy's brothers and sisters arriving from Long Island for the funeral and (people) hugging me.
Hope that helps. Charlie.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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Brooke - This is a very moving essay that you write. I, myself, could not write something so touching and inner-searching. Loved it.
Here are some suggestions:
My family had sent me to stay with my friend(,) Karen Christopher(,) for the night.
I can't attest to that except for what I've been told(,) because my mother
I sat up in the bed I was sharing with my friend(,) Karen(,) and stared out her window into the one window that was lighted in my house.
I prayed (with) ardent words not on my normal list of nightly bedtime prayers.
Sometime after midnight on May 28, 1959(,) the light went out in my mother's room.
His words are lost to my memory, but the feeling that gripped me is not. - This sentence is in present tense. Is that acceptable?
The next week was a flurry of Mommy's brothers and sisters arriving from Long Island for the funeral and (people) hugging me.
Hope that helps. Charlie.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2008
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Thanks for the input and kind words, Charlie :-) Brooke
Comment from redrider6612
What a stirring testimonial, my friend. My heart goes out to you, and I'm thankful God comforted you and continues to sustain you.
I only saw one minor nit:
and people['s] hugging me.
This was simply told, nice flow, very nice overall. Thank you for sharing your heartwrenching story.
Blessings, red.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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What a stirring testimonial, my friend. My heart goes out to you, and I'm thankful God comforted you and continues to sustain you.
I only saw one minor nit:
and people['s] hugging me.
This was simply told, nice flow, very nice overall. Thank you for sharing your heartwrenching story.
Blessings, red.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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hugging is a gerund - a verb that becomes a noun by adding ing to it so that I am remembering an event, hugging
one uses possessive before a gerund because people's is modifying hugging - it is the hugging of the people - it is an old rule but still tested on the SAT's and one I've always adhered to
Thanks so much for your very kind and caring review. Peace, Brooke :-)
Comment from Nightwind1
Faith is such a personal thing. But it would be impossible to be a person of faith and not show it to other people. This was a sad reflection on the loss of your mother. My brother that passed in June also died of liver cancer.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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Faith is such a personal thing. But it would be impossible to be a person of faith and not show it to other people. This was a sad reflection on the loss of your mother. My brother that passed in June also died of liver cancer.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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Liver cancer, unfortunately, remains one very tough to beat - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you so much for your supportive review. Peace, Brooke
Comment from KelinaJ
You've presented your tale very well. There is only one mechanical issue:
In the paragraph beginning "I was left with plenty of time", the third sentence is missing a few commas: "I had asked so sincerely, I, a sinless little child, on behalf of a kind mother." The first comma (before "I") can also be replaced by an m-dash (alt-0151 or two dashes) as the last part of the sentence is an extra bit of information. (I forget what the actual name for the type of phrase is).
Thank you for sharing your experience and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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You've presented your tale very well. There is only one mechanical issue:
In the paragraph beginning "I was left with plenty of time", the third sentence is missing a few commas: "I had asked so sincerely, I, a sinless little child, on behalf of a kind mother." The first comma (before "I") can also be replaced by an m-dash (alt-0151 or two dashes) as the last part of the sentence is an extra bit of information. (I forget what the actual name for the type of phrase is).
Thank you for sharing your experience and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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Thanks,Kelina,for your most thoughtful response and input. It's an appositive - the extra phrase, and you're right, I should have set it off :-) Brooke :-)
Comment from WendieC
I absolutely loved this. I'm not giving this because it is perfectly written because I did note one need for revision in this line:
"The next week was a flurry of Mommy's brothers and sisters arriving from Long Island for the funeral and people's hugging me."
The word "people's" should be replaced with "people".
I give this an exceptional rating because it touched me to the core of my heart and brought a measure of healing. This is what spiritually based writing is all about about---receiving a measure of God's grace in a transforming and edifying way.
I am in the process of burying my own father. I was not a child, but a 45 year old woman, who helplessly sat on a couch and begged God to please save my dad who was lying on the bathroom floor being worked on by paramedics after suffering a massive heart attack.
Like with you, my supplication prayer did not get answered. And other similar prayers have not. But as you've so powerfully stated, God makes HIMSELF available to us--extending His strengthening grace so that we are never emotionally destroyed by what providence may throw at us. Because he is faitful, we endure. His promise never to leave or forsake us is found in my favorite scripture, Psalm 139:1-12. Thank you for reminding me that this promise is where my faith truly rests--NOT in guaranteed outcomes.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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I absolutely loved this. I'm not giving this because it is perfectly written because I did note one need for revision in this line:
"The next week was a flurry of Mommy's brothers and sisters arriving from Long Island for the funeral and people's hugging me."
The word "people's" should be replaced with "people".
I give this an exceptional rating because it touched me to the core of my heart and brought a measure of healing. This is what spiritually based writing is all about about---receiving a measure of God's grace in a transforming and edifying way.
I am in the process of burying my own father. I was not a child, but a 45 year old woman, who helplessly sat on a couch and begged God to please save my dad who was lying on the bathroom floor being worked on by paramedics after suffering a massive heart attack.
Like with you, my supplication prayer did not get answered. And other similar prayers have not. But as you've so powerfully stated, God makes HIMSELF available to us--extending His strengthening grace so that we are never emotionally destroyed by what providence may throw at us. Because he is faitful, we endure. His promise never to leave or forsake us is found in my favorite scripture, Psalm 139:1-12. Thank you for reminding me that this promise is where my faith truly rests--NOT in guaranteed outcomes.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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Wendie, your response is both kind and insightful and I thank you for your most generous rating. I appreciate your sharing your own story with me, too.
People's hugging - let me explain. Hugging is a gerund, a verb made into a noun by adding "ing" to it, so that I am now speaking of the act of hugging. I remember this thing, the act of hugging. It is the hugging of the people, hence the possessive. This grammar rule of using a possessive before a gerund is not taught by many English teachers any more - I don't know why because it is still on the SAT's.
I assume many children get it wrong because they never learned it. Now, back to my response to your review and rating - you are thoughtful and generous, and I most appreciate it! Peace, Brooke :-)
Comment from jack silver
i am so sorry for your lose. i know how it feels to lose loved ones. i lost me whole family... sad things happen to people that don't deserve it. again i am sorry and i hope you are alright now. hope you win the contest.
from
jack
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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i am so sorry for your lose. i know how it feels to lose loved ones. i lost me whole family... sad things happen to people that don't deserve it. again i am sorry and i hope you are alright now. hope you win the contest.
from
jack
Comment Written 27-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2008
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I'm so sorry you lost your family, Jack. I am fine now - I lost my mother 49 years ago and hope to find some way next year to commemorate both the 50th anniversary of her death and the 100th anniversary of her birth. :-) Thanks so much for your kind response,Brooke :-)
