Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Mommy where are you?"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
21 total reviews
Comment from sharon fallis
Oh my! What I have missed out on. I had to move and have been so busy that I haven't done any reviewing for, seems like months. Well I'm back and glad to get to read this. Wonderful. No SPAG or error's that I could find and it's a terrific story. All my favorite people in it. Hugs. Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Oh my! What I have missed out on. I had to move and have been so busy that I haven't done any reviewing for, seems like months. Well I'm back and glad to get to read this. Wonderful. No SPAG or error's that I could find and it's a terrific story. All my favorite people in it. Hugs. Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
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Hey Sharon,
I had so many reviews to read, I didn't realize you were also on page two! My goodness, girl. How thrilled I am that you are enjoying this so much!
Thanks and Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Finally got my clunker of a computer back from the shop today and decided my first line of action would be catching up on the work of my favorite author. So, I printed all the chapters I've missed out and read them on my break today.
Great job, Gayle. Like there'd be anything to change here. You are an excellent writer. :-)
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
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Finally got my clunker of a computer back from the shop today and decided my first line of action would be catching up on the work of my favorite author. So, I printed all the chapters I've missed out and read them on my break today.
Great job, Gayle. Like there'd be anything to change here. You are an excellent writer. :-)
Comment Written 14-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2008
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Hey Buddy! I was beginning to wonder if I needed to send the possee out after you. Glad the old 'puter is better.
Thanks so much for the comments and your support!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Good morning,Gayle,
As always, I enjoyed this numbe rof yours. It flowed very smoothly, and the dialogue is crisp and clean.No worries there.
Just one little bump I found that needs your TLC:
-and they drove down the drive to the front of the house. (I know what you're trying to say here, sweetie, but it doesn't read as well as you'd hoped. 'As they headed down the lane' (or up the lane, if it's a hilly one) ... something else.)
That's it. Continued success.
Always,
David
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Good morning,Gayle,
As always, I enjoyed this numbe rof yours. It flowed very smoothly, and the dialogue is crisp and clean.No worries there.
Just one little bump I found that needs your TLC:
-and they drove down the drive to the front of the house. (I know what you're trying to say here, sweetie, but it doesn't read as well as you'd hoped. 'As they headed down the lane' (or up the lane, if it's a hilly one) ... something else.)
That's it. Continued success.
Always,
David
Comment Written 04-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2008
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Hey good buddy, love the eagle eye. And you're right, I can do that better, for sure. Give me a moment to tweak it.
Thanks for stopping by,David, and for the great comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
A lot going on in this chapter.
"God, that's a new one on me. It looks like he's pointing." Jim approached
Tony, flashlight swinging around the general area that concerned the dog. It took him a moment to see the wedge of sponge nestled in the lawn a good ten feet from the dog.
(Your buddy Eddie)
returning at sunup."
(I'm not sure, but sun up)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2008
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A lot going on in this chapter.
"God, that's a new one on me. It looks like he's pointing." Jim approached
Tony, flashlight swinging around the general area that concerned the dog. It took him a moment to see the wedge of sponge nestled in the lawn a good ten feet from the dog.
(Your buddy Eddie)
returning at sunup."
(I'm not sure, but sun up)
hugs
book
Comment Written 04-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2008
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Heidi, one of these days, I WILL kill him. I'm working out a plan now. Let me get in there and fix it up. My spell check likes "sunup" but let me check. It does look a bit strange, huh?
Thanks for the R&R and the catch!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Yo Madame Gayle,
Hope things are going well!
Good chapter here, there's a lot going on. Glad to see the cops got involved quickly! It'll be interesting to see how long it takes to get in touch with Andy, and how long it will be til they find out what he does.
Some things to check out:
"Sara, can you go turn on all the outside lights and then run down to where you last saw your mom(?) I can't walk that far."
"Well, (')agitated(') is one word. I think (')frantic(') would be better suited to her actions Or just: I think 'frantic' would be better? - consider the quotes, Gayle. Your call.)
"Hey, dude, you got any gloves? I left mine behind
(has Jim actually ever said 'Dude' before. I don't remember. Seems unlike him?)
He snapped the glove(s) in place and from his other pocket pulled out
Jim shook his head, always amazed at the contents of his partner's pockets. (try to rephrase. Lots of 'pockets' here.)
busy at the Bakers(')."
Ha. More likely she's on a fact(-)finding spy expedition for Ella
Muzzle lifted, he drew deep breaths, and (maybe 'then' here instead of 'and'?) turning on his heels, he (<--can kick this 'he') barked at Jim several times and darted into the bushes
him execution(-)style; two to the forehead
"We just found the body of what we're pretty sure is the man who stalked Candace. Now, if he's dead, it means someone else got her (the 'if he's dead', implies he might be alive, which I'm pretty sure that person they found in the bushes is dead, right?? :) Just consider rephrasing a bit. "Now if it's him'??)
"We have to know, Jane." Jim stared at her, eyes wide.
(eyes wide usually implies nervousness or fear, or shock, right? How did you mean it?)
Hope this helps, girl!
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 04-Aug-2008
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Yo Madame Gayle,
Hope things are going well!
Good chapter here, there's a lot going on. Glad to see the cops got involved quickly! It'll be interesting to see how long it takes to get in touch with Andy, and how long it will be til they find out what he does.
Some things to check out:
"Sara, can you go turn on all the outside lights and then run down to where you last saw your mom(?) I can't walk that far."
"Well, (')agitated(') is one word. I think (')frantic(') would be better suited to her actions Or just: I think 'frantic' would be better? - consider the quotes, Gayle. Your call.)
"Hey, dude, you got any gloves? I left mine behind
(has Jim actually ever said 'Dude' before. I don't remember. Seems unlike him?)
He snapped the glove(s) in place and from his other pocket pulled out
Jim shook his head, always amazed at the contents of his partner's pockets. (try to rephrase. Lots of 'pockets' here.)
busy at the Bakers(')."
Ha. More likely she's on a fact(-)finding spy expedition for Ella
Muzzle lifted, he drew deep breaths, and (maybe 'then' here instead of 'and'?) turning on his heels, he (<--can kick this 'he') barked at Jim several times and darted into the bushes
him execution(-)style; two to the forehead
"We just found the body of what we're pretty sure is the man who stalked Candace. Now, if he's dead, it means someone else got her (the 'if he's dead', implies he might be alive, which I'm pretty sure that person they found in the bushes is dead, right?? :) Just consider rephrasing a bit. "Now if it's him'??)
"We have to know, Jane." Jim stared at her, eyes wide.
(eyes wide usually implies nervousness or fear, or shock, right? How did you mean it?)
Hope this helps, girl!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2008
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Hey Sissy,
Okay, you know EE hates me. In the ms, I have both 'agitated' and 'frantic' in italics, which looks much better. I don't know how he keeps getting me! I haven't touched the advance editor button in months...I SWEAR! Still, he haunts me!
I thought Jim called him 'dude' before, but if it sounds out of place, I can fix that. As always, great edit ideas here. Will get in and adjust right away.
You're the best, m'dear, and big thanks for hanging in with me,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
Well you have a great tale going on and I loved the twist too.
Things are getting good and been worth the wait too.
Few Nits:
"Can we swing by the Brentwood station, let me give the sponge to the Watch Commander?"
***Needs a dialogue tag. I'm not sure who is speaking.
The younger cop nodded. "I'll wait for the (ME) to get here."
*** All uppercase means that are shouting at your reader. Used italics and bold the word.
"We have to know, Jane." Jim stared at her, (eyes wide.)
*** eyes widened.
Great Chapter!
Lynn
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Well you have a great tale going on and I loved the twist too.
Things are getting good and been worth the wait too.
Few Nits:
"Can we swing by the Brentwood station, let me give the sponge to the Watch Commander?"
***Needs a dialogue tag. I'm not sure who is speaking.
The younger cop nodded. "I'll wait for the (ME) to get here."
*** All uppercase means that are shouting at your reader. Used italics and bold the word.
"We have to know, Jane." Jim stared at her, (eyes wide.)
*** eyes widened.
Great Chapter!
Lynn
Comment Written 03-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2008
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Hi Lynn,
So nice to see you again. That was Lenny going to the police station where he used to work. Will add a tag. Now the ME is short for Medical Examiner, and in the ms I have it in italics caps. Here, I do not fool around with Evil Eddie the advanced editor. If you're smart, you'll avoid him like the plague. All those ???'s you see in other posts...that's EE.
Thanks so much for the great review, my friend, the eagle eye and the super duper comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
Smart dogs, need to teach the men how to understand them. You beginning to get serious. One kidnapped because of his work right? It's going great, keeps the suspense up, keeps the readers interested.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Smart dogs, need to teach the men how to understand them. You beginning to get serious. One kidnapped because of his work right? It's going great, keeps the suspense up, keeps the readers interested.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 03-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Hello m'dear, so good to see you. Thanks for the R&R and the wonderful comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hello,
Your welcome. I am enjoying your story.
Leaving for a bit of vacation hope to have a chapter on Thur. to review.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment from Readywriter52
By the end of the chapter, everyone is convinced that Candace met with fowl play. Tony found a sponge with chloroform on it. He also found the dead body of the Candace's stalker. They can't find her anywhere. They can investigate a little but for now they probably have to wait for her kidnappers to call.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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By the end of the chapter, everyone is convinced that Candace met with fowl play. Tony found a sponge with chloroform on it. He also found the dead body of the Candace's stalker. They can't find her anywhere. They can investigate a little but for now they probably have to wait for her kidnappers to call.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Excellent synopsis of the chapter! I'm glad you're reading along and that you're enjoying this story.
Thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Another great chapter that kicks the story along. Here are a couple of things to look at:
This seems a bit formal:
"Well, agitated is one word. I think frantic would be better suited to her actions. Absolutely frantic."
How about:
"Well, agitated is one word. I think frantic is more like it. Absolutely frantic."
Again, just too many words:
Floodlights in the trees as well as under the shrubbery cast eerie light around the yard. Jane remained on the patio while the kids led the way down to the lawn.
Maybe:
Floodlights in the trees and under the shrubbery cast an eerie light. Jane remained on the patio while the kids led the way.
Freddie
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Another great chapter that kicks the story along. Here are a couple of things to look at:
This seems a bit formal:
"Well, agitated is one word. I think frantic would be better suited to her actions. Absolutely frantic."
How about:
"Well, agitated is one word. I think frantic is more like it. Absolutely frantic."
Again, just too many words:
Floodlights in the trees as well as under the shrubbery cast eerie light around the yard. Jane remained on the patio while the kids led the way down to the lawn.
Maybe:
Floodlights in the trees and under the shrubbery cast an eerie light. Jane remained on the patio while the kids led the way.
Freddie
Comment Written 03-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Hey Freddie,
OH! Always so nice to see you, dear. I see what you meant in both comments and will get them adjusted. I love my words, huh?
Thanks so much for the fine comments and eagle eye,
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
I enjoyed reading this chapter, especially how you write about dogs. What about poor, dead Tom? Shot execution style. If, instead of two bullets to the forehead, you put one bullet into the base of the skull, in the rear, you'd have a Soviet secret-police execution. I believe you'll make good use of poor Tom. Of course, if you didn't, an editor would ask you to write him out of the story.
I couldn't find any nits. I really liked this line:
Lenny patted his stomach. "Yeah, life's rough."
Dave M
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Gayle,
I enjoyed reading this chapter, especially how you write about dogs. What about poor, dead Tom? Shot execution style. If, instead of two bullets to the forehead, you put one bullet into the base of the skull, in the rear, you'd have a Soviet secret-police execution. I believe you'll make good use of poor Tom. Of course, if you didn't, an editor would ask you to write him out of the story.
I couldn't find any nits. I really liked this line:
Lenny patted his stomach. "Yeah, life's rough."
Dave M
Comment Written 02-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Hey Dave,
LOL! Jim and Lenny are well fed, for sure! Glad you liked this one, and yes, we're sure going to have to find a way to make Tom more necessary. Had to have him in order to get Candace to need a dog!
Thanks so much for the great comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
