Blood On His Hands
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Rookie and a Traffic Stop"A mystery novel with a twist.
13 total reviews
Comment from Sloegin
Chapter one
For what it's worth, I was taught by a very successful writer, never to start a book with dialogue.
Drake laughed out loud. Take out, "out loud" it wasn't that funny.
slapped the steering wheel and laughed. Again "laughed" I don't think there would be much laughing between to cops on patrol, maybe "smirked"
So funny "well then" next line "Yeah well" change one of the "well" words.
"Reached over and turned on," to "popped on"
What make of silver car is the boy driving?
What color shirt and slacks were covered with blood?
You are telling the beginning of what could be a good story, but you need to get some excitement into your dialogue.
Sloegin
reply by the author on 09-May-2012
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Chapter one
For what it's worth, I was taught by a very successful writer, never to start a book with dialogue.
Drake laughed out loud. Take out, "out loud" it wasn't that funny.
slapped the steering wheel and laughed. Again "laughed" I don't think there would be much laughing between to cops on patrol, maybe "smirked"
So funny "well then" next line "Yeah well" change one of the "well" words.
"Reached over and turned on," to "popped on"
What make of silver car is the boy driving?
What color shirt and slacks were covered with blood?
You are telling the beginning of what could be a good story, but you need to get some excitement into your dialogue.
Sloegin
Comment Written 09-May-2012
reply by the author on 09-May-2012
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Thank you for all of your suggestions. They are all very helpful. I will go back and see what I can change.
Comment from mrscsmart
oh yeahhhhhhh i would say that is the stuff exciting is made of. i have a feeling the little rookie is in for a time. my only problem is.... i ran out of stuff to read. could ya write this one a little faster please. excellent work as always
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2008
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oh yeahhhhhhh i would say that is the stuff exciting is made of. i have a feeling the little rookie is in for a time. my only problem is.... i ran out of stuff to read. could ya write this one a little faster please. excellent work as always
Comment Written 07-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2008
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thank you for reading, as always, your comments are silly and entertaining.
Comment from FlaFaerie
Hey there
As always another good chapter..
I see you're tying it back to the first one.. very cool.. very cool..
enjoy seein the rest..
hugs
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2008
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Hey there
As always another good chapter..
I see you're tying it back to the first one.. very cool.. very cool..
enjoy seein the rest..
hugs
Comment Written 05-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2008
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thank you for stopping by and reading.
Comment from Jonez08
Excellent chapter Elaine. Great lead into what's the come. Lots of questions and I know you have the answers. I look forward to the next chapter.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2008
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Excellent chapter Elaine. Great lead into what's the come. Lots of questions and I know you have the answers. I look forward to the next chapter.
Cassandra
Comment Written 03-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2008
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I hope I can find out what happens so that I can let you all know, ha ha.
thank you for stopping by.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Elaine :)
This story is really off to anexciting start. Great dialog through out. It is still too early to see where this story is headed.
"This exciting enough for you?" Drake asked. My reply is an emphatic yes!
I noticed an accidental duplication of a word for the only noticeable mistake: [The car kept driving. He {again] squelched the siren [again] and the car slowed down. {omit the first[again]|
Good start.
Roger
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Hi Elaine :)
This story is really off to anexciting start. Great dialog through out. It is still too early to see where this story is headed.
"This exciting enough for you?" Drake asked. My reply is an emphatic yes!
I noticed an accidental duplication of a word for the only noticeable mistake: [The car kept driving. He {again] squelched the siren [again] and the car slowed down. {omit the first[again]|
Good start.
Roger
Comment Written 02-Jul-2008
Comment from heyjude
Mcdaniel,
Now I'm wondering why the boy doesn't remember and who
his mother is. Sounded like one of the police officer's knew her.
Ready for the next one.
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Mcdaniel,
Now I'm wondering why the boy doesn't remember and who
his mother is. Sounded like one of the police officer's knew her.
Ready for the next one.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2008
Comment from savannah cat
"This exciting enough for you?" You are off to a great start, and yes this was exciting to read. Can't wait for more.
Have a safe and Happy 4th.
Good Luck,
Savannah Cat
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"This exciting enough for you?" You are off to a great start, and yes this was exciting to read. Can't wait for more.
Have a safe and Happy 4th.
Good Luck,
Savannah Cat
Comment Written 02-Jul-2008
Comment from The Cajun
This was one of the best I've read today.
You set up the story very well and got it going quickly.
Now I'm dying to find out where the blood came from and what happened to Trevor.
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This was one of the best I've read today.
You set up the story very well and got it going quickly.
Now I'm dying to find out where the blood came from and what happened to Trevor.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2008
Comment from Writer191
It looks like a good start to a good story. You capture the reader's interest with the blood covered boy, and that is key to keeping the reader reading. I know I am curious to find out what happens next. There were a couple of things I would probably have done differently. First, the dialogue is a little mechanical in some places.
Example: The younger man slapped the steering wheel and laughed. "Yes, that was so funny, well, after the fact I mean. Poor guy didn't know what hit him after she head butted him, went down hard."
I might have said, "Oh right! I remember now," the Rookie laughed, slapping the steering wheel. It wasn't funny at the time, but after the fact...," he let the sentence trail off. "Poor guy didn't know what hit him after she head butted him. He went down hard."
I do like the way Drake alluded to the possibility that he might be a party to what actually happened.
The only other thing that jumped out at me, and maybe I watch too much TV, was when the rookie saw the blood. I expected the next thing was to see him unholster his firearm or at least put his hand on it.
Good write. I am looking forward to more.
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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2008
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It looks like a good start to a good story. You capture the reader's interest with the blood covered boy, and that is key to keeping the reader reading. I know I am curious to find out what happens next. There were a couple of things I would probably have done differently. First, the dialogue is a little mechanical in some places.
Example: The younger man slapped the steering wheel and laughed. "Yes, that was so funny, well, after the fact I mean. Poor guy didn't know what hit him after she head butted him, went down hard."
I might have said, "Oh right! I remember now," the Rookie laughed, slapping the steering wheel. It wasn't funny at the time, but after the fact...," he let the sentence trail off. "Poor guy didn't know what hit him after she head butted him. He went down hard."
I do like the way Drake alluded to the possibility that he might be a party to what actually happened.
The only other thing that jumped out at me, and maybe I watch too much TV, was when the rookie saw the blood. I expected the next thing was to see him unholster his firearm or at least put his hand on it.
Good write. I am looking forward to more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2008
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Thank you for reading.
Comment from Johnny Carwash
This was an intriguing enough chapter. Loved the bits of dry humor in the dialogue. You've definitely piqued my interest enough to read on. Good job.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2008
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This was an intriguing enough chapter. Loved the bits of dry humor in the dialogue. You've definitely piqued my interest enough to read on. Good job.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2008
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Thank you for reading, I hope I can keep your attention throughout.
