Comment from Atruthckr

Excellent

This chapter is a little slower, but it gives the reader an idea of where the hero is heading and what he is thinking. It acts as a kind of "filler" chapter to get us to the next place. --Atruthckr

 Comment Written 24-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2008

That's exactly what it is, a filler transition scene

Comment from Sissy

Good

Hey snod,

Paul and Garth are quite the comedic duo! I always have a big smile on my face when I start reading these! Good fun!
Overall, things seem to be moving along, even though we have no idea in the world how Paul is going to get rid of his little demon....

One question: Does the McFlurry disappear when Scarth holds it? I mean, it'd be weird for people to see a McFlurry in mid-air!

Check these out:

Paul woke, his neck painfully frozen in place by the awkward position he had slept in. He slowly twisted his head, stretching the kinks out (. probably could eliminate/implied---> of his neck.)

Paul strained to make out what he was saying (passive/how about just 'what he said'?), but it

Tough, get used to it."
(consider period after 'Tough', seems like there should be a full stop there.)


ushed to catch their train, even if they had a score (of?)minutes before it left

He might as well have a 'Please talk to me, (O)fficer' sign illuminated over his head.

Across the road stood a McDonald(')s.

Get some money
Find somewhere to sleep
Find someone to help get rid of Scarth (need punctuation?)


Paul made a sub-list, indented under the Scarth task. (consider a colon here, instead of a period)

Visit libraries
Visit bookshops
Search Internet (punctuation again?)


Scarth licked the tub again, in the forlorn hope there were a couple of molecules he had missed. (there was/he had missed. Passive. consider reworking sentence to avoid.)

Well, there was that. (hahahha)

Take care,
Sis

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008

Haha. I knew it was you, just from the length of the review. Wow, Fanstory gets its money's-worth from you, don't they?

I deliberatley left off the punctuation in the list, as Paul is writing it on a napkin, and those sort of lists are rarely punctuated, or even spelt correctly.

I think Scarth has a field of, if not invisibility, then of ignorance, otherwise people would constantly be tripping over him, sitting on him, etc. This would probably extend to anything he is holding too, but I may well explore this later.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. I would hate to put you through all this if it was onerous. Thanks as ever

Comment from Celtic~Soul

Excellent

I'm going to read on, can't stop now! Adventures in London - Ho! Paul's getting in deeper and Scarth's getting hungrier. And I'm still hooked!
In this line:
first the impetus had been to run from, but the ticket office had demanded the answer for where he was running to.
I suggest italicizing the 'from' and the 'to' to get the right reading emphasis and flow.
I'm off to visit the Dumpster!
Dawn

 Comment Written 20-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 20-Jun-2008

Thanks. The sentence still doesn't quite read right to me. I might drop it completley.

Glad you're still with it

Comment from mmichelle97219

Excellent

I should have read this one first. It is a nice transition from one scene to the next. Good tension, and great character quirks. Good post.
Michelle

 Comment Written 20-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 20-Jun-2008

You read them in the order you want, you little rebel, you.

Thanks for your review. Glad you liked it

Comment from Rajasir

Excellent

You come out with really wonderful stories, my friend. There is so much of variety that one can hardly guess that they are written by the same person. This one is not less interesting. Every story of your acquaints me with a few new things and experiences.Good one.
bless you,
Rajasir

Since You are and IT trainer, I hope I might be able to get into your confidence to learn many things for free...ha..ha.

 Comment Written 20-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 20-Jun-2008

Lessons learnt for free are worth every penny you pay for them. My area of expertise tends to be a little esoteric for most, but if you want advice on developing SQL Server databases, let me know.

Thank you for your kind and geneorus words. I'm glad you liked it

reply by Rajasir on 20-Jun-2008

Thank you very much, my friend,
You are a very kind person. These computer terms really fly over my head because literature has taken me very far from my physics background. I would be delighted if I could know about a few sites through which the poor students in this part of the world could get some benefit.That is all. Thank you once again.
Bless you,
Rajasir

Comment from Costa J John

Excellent

I found this thoroughly entertaining, and read dilligently all the way until the end. I emjoyed the genre, and the story telling was fun. Keep going at it.

 Comment Written 20-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 20-Jun-2008

You're very kind, thank you. The story telling is fun for me also.

Comment from maggiewilson123

Excellent

I enjoyed reading this and would read more. It has a great flow and structure to it and personally I would not change anything.

 Comment Written 20-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 20-Jun-2008

Thank you, please do read more. I'm glad you liked it