Lady Detective
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Another Clue"Suspense crime novel with romance.
14 total reviews
Comment from gracelyn
Yikes! Ooooh, I'll have nightmares. You know, there's a reason I've never considered being a policeman or detective. How do you scare me like that?
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2009
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Yikes! Ooooh, I'll have nightmares. You know, there's a reason I've never considered being a policeman or detective. How do you scare me like that?
Comment Written 08-May-2009
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2009
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thank you for reading
Comment from Jonez08
Elaine, the intense is building and I feel the showdown is near. This was well written and I didn't notice any spag. I feel good knowing Ryan is going to have her back. Look forward to the next chapter. (keep up the good work)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 22-May-2008
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Elaine, the intense is building and I feel the showdown is near. This was well written and I didn't notice any spag. I feel good knowing Ryan is going to have her back. Look forward to the next chapter. (keep up the good work)
Cassandra
Comment Written 21-May-2008
reply by the author on 22-May-2008
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Thank you for reading. Showdown is soon, that is all I will say.
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Thank you for reading. Showdown is soon, that is all I will say.
Comment from savannah cat
Great writing. It is on the seat of your pants. A lot of action mixed with suspense. Great job. You keep your reader wanting and waiting for the next chapter.
Good Luck,
Savannah Cat
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Great writing. It is on the seat of your pants. A lot of action mixed with suspense. Great job. You keep your reader wanting and waiting for the next chapter.
Good Luck,
Savannah Cat
Comment Written 21-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Thank you for reading next chapter coming soon.
Comment from GerryMacNeil
Tou're back! Good chapter, fine writing and no nits to pick, LOL Burly suddenly seems likes she trusts no one! Thanks so much for writing. Ienjoy it. Gerry MacNeil
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Tou're back! Good chapter, fine writing and no nits to pick, LOL Burly suddenly seems likes she trusts no one! Thanks so much for writing. Ienjoy it. Gerry MacNeil
Comment Written 21-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Thank you for reading, you're right, she's starting to not trust those around her. Thank you for reading.
Comment from empire76
The clues trickle in. The rising tension can be felt as she goes through the evidence. I think the suspense factor is even higher now that we know who the perp is and why? Good chapter. I found it enjoyable to read.
Just one nit to correct if you haven't caught it already:
- If his wife call(s) the station, forward it to me.
Empi
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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The clues trickle in. The rising tension can be felt as she goes through the evidence. I think the suspense factor is even higher now that we know who the perp is and why? Good chapter. I found it enjoyable to read.
Just one nit to correct if you haven't caught it already:
- If his wife call(s) the station, forward it to me.
Empi
Comment Written 21-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Keep forgetting to go fix that little error, thank you for all you have done for me on this journey I have embarked on. It has been a great trip and I can almost see the finish line. Thank you for reading yet another chapter.
Comment from Buctar
Mcdaniel:
A good read. Nice flow and good tension. It held my interest.
A couple of observations for your consideration--or not.
Captain Ross accepted the yearbook and note she held out to him. It only took a moment for him to look inside, see both pictures and read the note. (It took me a second read for me to figure out that he is the next speaker. Recommend: Captain Ross accepted the yearbook and note she held out to him. It only took a moment for him to look inside, see both pictures and read the note. WHEN HE FINISHED, HE LOOKED UP. "I know who and now I know why. I just wish I knew where they..." I would put it all in the same paragraph.)
. The cold wind BLOWING through her short hair, teasing it. She shivered. (Recommend: BLEW)
The only one discharged had been the one she heard on the phone. Reloading the magazine, she placed it back in the gun. (I have not followed the story, unfortunately. I assume this is her partner's gun. In any case, it is evidence. Why would she reload it and not tag it as evidence. I called my son-in-law who is an FBI agent. He said they would never do this. Your call. But thought I would point it out.)
"Don't do anything stupid, Kimburly." He searched her face for her true intentions. (This is a point of view switch into the Captain's head--he searched her face for her true intentions. Up to this point, the POV character has been Kimburly. If you said something like: "He searched her face--his look telling her that he did not believe her," it would still be her POV.)
I enjoyed the read.
Bill
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Mcdaniel:
A good read. Nice flow and good tension. It held my interest.
A couple of observations for your consideration--or not.
Captain Ross accepted the yearbook and note she held out to him. It only took a moment for him to look inside, see both pictures and read the note. (It took me a second read for me to figure out that he is the next speaker. Recommend: Captain Ross accepted the yearbook and note she held out to him. It only took a moment for him to look inside, see both pictures and read the note. WHEN HE FINISHED, HE LOOKED UP. "I know who and now I know why. I just wish I knew where they..." I would put it all in the same paragraph.)
. The cold wind BLOWING through her short hair, teasing it. She shivered. (Recommend: BLEW)
The only one discharged had been the one she heard on the phone. Reloading the magazine, she placed it back in the gun. (I have not followed the story, unfortunately. I assume this is her partner's gun. In any case, it is evidence. Why would she reload it and not tag it as evidence. I called my son-in-law who is an FBI agent. He said they would never do this. Your call. But thought I would point it out.)
"Don't do anything stupid, Kimburly." He searched her face for her true intentions. (This is a point of view switch into the Captain's head--he searched her face for her true intentions. Up to this point, the POV character has been Kimburly. If you said something like: "He searched her face--his look telling her that he did not believe her," it would still be her POV.)
I enjoyed the read.
Bill
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Thank you for all your suggestions and for reading my story.
Comment from RenieReader
Great job of showing us how Burly works and takes action once she's onto something. This is a very well-written, descriptive chapter, mcdaniel1299. You're to be commended for your expert ability to put us on the scene and leave us begging for more. Only one small nit.
If his wife call[s] the station, forward it to me.
Renie
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Great job of showing us how Burly works and takes action once she's onto something. This is a very well-written, descriptive chapter, mcdaniel1299. You're to be commended for your expert ability to put us on the scene and leave us begging for more. Only one small nit.
If his wife call[s] the station, forward it to me.
Renie
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Thank you for reading and the words of encouragement
Comment from rhymer1
Excellent narrative and dialog, except as noted below. Action and pace are pretty good. slainte, rhymer1
I know who and now I know why. I just wish I knew where they were right now. It's eating me up inside not knowing where Ruckus is, or if he's hurt. Knowing that it is all my fault, being punished for pains I caused someone a long time ago. A time that I don't remember well - I assume this is the note. It took a while to realize it was not dialog. I suggest you add a tag to the previous lie {it read} and then put it in italics rather than quotes.
The (cold) wind (blowing) [blew] through her (short) hair, teasing it. - this is not a sentence the way you constructed it, and sometimes, modifiers feel out of place.
A car (was heading toward) [approached] her, - Headed is such a nondescript overused word in marrative, and passive is pace-slowing here.
she (discovered what looked like Ruckus') [found a] handgun.
Gingerly kneeling down -- Standing there a long time - you are starting too many sentences with gerunds. It begins to grate on your readers.
If his wife call[s] the station, forward
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Excellent narrative and dialog, except as noted below. Action and pace are pretty good. slainte, rhymer1
I know who and now I know why. I just wish I knew where they were right now. It's eating me up inside not knowing where Ruckus is, or if he's hurt. Knowing that it is all my fault, being punished for pains I caused someone a long time ago. A time that I don't remember well - I assume this is the note. It took a while to realize it was not dialog. I suggest you add a tag to the previous lie {it read} and then put it in italics rather than quotes.
The (cold) wind (blowing) [blew] through her (short) hair, teasing it. - this is not a sentence the way you constructed it, and sometimes, modifiers feel out of place.
A car (was heading toward) [approached] her, - Headed is such a nondescript overused word in marrative, and passive is pace-slowing here.
she (discovered what looked like Ruckus') [found a] handgun.
Gingerly kneeling down -- Standing there a long time - you are starting too many sentences with gerunds. It begins to grate on your readers.
If his wife call[s] the station, forward
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Thank you for all your suggestions and for reading my story.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
This is a nice transition chapter. A time to gether thoughts before more action.
Somehow I don't think a Captain Ross would depend on Ryan to backup Burly She may be about to face a killer, so he would have a policeman provide backup. He knows they are dealing with a crafty and dangerous killer.
I found one small typo: { If his wife [call ==> calls] the station, }forward it to me.
Roger
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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This is a nice transition chapter. A time to gether thoughts before more action.
Somehow I don't think a Captain Ross would depend on Ryan to backup Burly She may be about to face a killer, so he would have a policeman provide backup. He knows they are dealing with a crafty and dangerous killer.
I found one small typo: { If his wife [call ==> calls] the station, }forward it to me.
Roger
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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don't underestimate me, I think there is another twist to the story, watch for the next chapter. don't forget, ryan is a soldier. thank you for reading.
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Hi Elaine :)
I was expecting another twist.. It was too easy to put everything on an unseen antagonist.. I don't think I underestimate you. I expect great things as your skill increases. I try to not waste my time on unpromising writers.
I hope you don't underestimate me either.I have nearly 1,000published article on science and technology. I haven't written much fiction, but the first story I sold over fifty years ago was adapted to a screen play that is still shown today in reruns. Most of my fiction writing has been limited to helping Marilyn with her various projects.
Roger
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I know there were a few things in this last chapter that were not proper procedure, like her keeping the gun and the fact that Ryan was going after her and not a fellow police officer, but sometimes you have to throw procedure out the window and do what feels right.
The twist is coming, as is the ending, soon.
Thank you for taking this trip with me and giving me so much guidance, it is much appreciated.
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Entertaining chapter. Well-written from top to bottom. I have no criticisms to offer for this part of your story. You've done very well.
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Entertaining chapter. Well-written from top to bottom. I have no criticisms to offer for this part of your story. You've done very well.
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Thank you for reading.
