Heaven's Divinity
A short, short story about Christmas Eve at home.47 total reviews
Comment from hwbw
How about the recipe? That would be great. Potato as a candy. Interesting. How did it taste? Did it taste like anything that we could relate it to? Really, it might be nice to add the recipe. What is it called? You have me intrigued.
Very good!
Bill
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2008
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How about the recipe? That would be great. Potato as a candy. Interesting. How did it taste? Did it taste like anything that we could relate it to? Really, it might be nice to add the recipe. What is it called? You have me intrigued.
Very good!
Bill
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2008
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Thank you for the great rating! It is called "Heaven's Divinity." Glad to know I have you intrigued.
Comment from sueseagull
Hi! I enjoyed this story very much! it was nicely written and flowed easily.I really enjoyed a few of your descriptive terms, eg: "labor of love", "lily white divinity", and "ordinary to extraordinary" Only correction i see is in the third paragraph
"stages was " shouldbe "stages were"...I think ! A very nice read! Thanks for sharing!
Sue
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2008
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Hi! I enjoyed this story very much! it was nicely written and flowed easily.I really enjoyed a few of your descriptive terms, eg: "labor of love", "lily white divinity", and "ordinary to extraordinary" Only correction i see is in the third paragraph
"stages was " shouldbe "stages were"...I think ! A very nice read! Thanks for sharing!
Sue
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2008
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I am so glad you enjoyed the story. My favorite descriptive term was: lily white divinity, too! Also, thank you for the correction.
Comment from iamwrite
This is a sweet, heartwarming story. It could be an episode on The Waltons. LOL Seriously, nice descriptions, and a sweet ending, no pun intended.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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This is a sweet, heartwarming story. It could be an episode on The Waltons. LOL Seriously, nice descriptions, and a sweet ending, no pun intended.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thanks for the great rating! I am honored to be spoken of in the same sentence as the Waltons! It was/is one of my favorite shows.
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Yes, I've ballyhooed my way through countless episodes of The Waltons, Little House on the Prairie, etc. LOL
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Yes, I've ballyhooed my way through countless episodes of The Waltons, Little House on the Prairie, etc. LOL
Comment from RobinMarie
I love the Christmas feeling of this story. Clearly, you were given quite a lot of responsibility in helping with thee project and took your job seriously, creating a beautiful memory that is till with you.
The only thing I would suggest is to watch your exclamation points and to make sure you don't overuse them. Other than that, I like everything: the way you describe the candy, the family time together and the shared project.
This story is happy and light-hearted. It brings a smile to my face. I love Christmas. :)
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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I love the Christmas feeling of this story. Clearly, you were given quite a lot of responsibility in helping with thee project and took your job seriously, creating a beautiful memory that is till with you.
The only thing I would suggest is to watch your exclamation points and to make sure you don't overuse them. Other than that, I like everything: the way you describe the candy, the family time together and the shared project.
This story is happy and light-hearted. It brings a smile to my face. I love Christmas. :)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thank you Robin for the great review! Our whole family enjoyed our separate responsibilities in the making of this candy. Thanks for the exclamation point suggestion. You are probably right. Glad you enjoyed reading it.
Comment from empire76
Very nice. Oh this brings so many memories of Christmas when I was young. Also my birthday. I think I'll write about that. Five stars for a good story and for the inspiration
Empi
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Very nice. Oh this brings so many memories of Christmas when I was young. Also my birthday. I think I'll write about that. Five stars for a good story and for the inspiration
Empi
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thank you for reading and the great review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and gave you inspiration for your own story. Have fun!
Comment from btru2u66
I enjoyed your writing, it's a sweet story. I know it must of been or is significant to you and I appreciate you sharing it. I didn't think it was a great read because there's not much excitement. Maybe you should put how this all came about in the beginning. Tell us how, this tradition started, etc. Thank you!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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I enjoyed your writing, it's a sweet story. I know it must of been or is significant to you and I appreciate you sharing it. I didn't think it was a great read because there's not much excitement. Maybe you should put how this all came about in the beginning. Tell us how, this tradition started, etc. Thank you!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thanks for your great review! Also thank you for your suggestions. I will consider some changes.
Comment from catydid52
Sounds good to me! It is well written and it flows smoothly. The imagery is good. Maybe expound upon the description of Mama and yourself.
Good job,
Catharine
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Sounds good to me! It is well written and it flows smoothly. The imagery is good. Maybe expound upon the description of Mama and yourself.
Good job,
Catharine
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thank you for your great review! I'll take expounding under advisement. I hadn't thought about that possibility. Hmmmm...
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your welcome!
Catharine
Comment from Econ Teacher
This is a "sweet" story of a Christmas memory.
I have a few comments and suggestions:
There was alot of
should be "a lot" two words.
shed of his skin. It was soon pulverized
went from a "his" to an "It". To remain consistent, I suggest: shed of its skin.
There are quite a few sentences that are passive with a verb structure using "was". The word "was" isn't always bad, but it can make a piece more active if you replace it.
An expample could be something like:
It was one day before Christmas and it was time for our labor of love.
Could be something like:
The day before Christmas signaled the time for our labor of love.
That might not be better, but what it does is shorten the read by three words giving the same information. Brevity is appreciated by readers.
It is a amazing to me that "boiling a big, but ordinary-looking potato." could turn into "Many boxes filled with a taste of heaven." Just curious, does one potato really go so far?
This was a nice little tale about your Christmas Eve and time spent with your family.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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This is a "sweet" story of a Christmas memory.
I have a few comments and suggestions:
There was alot of
should be "a lot" two words.
shed of his skin. It was soon pulverized
went from a "his" to an "It". To remain consistent, I suggest: shed of its skin.
There are quite a few sentences that are passive with a verb structure using "was". The word "was" isn't always bad, but it can make a piece more active if you replace it.
An expample could be something like:
It was one day before Christmas and it was time for our labor of love.
Could be something like:
The day before Christmas signaled the time for our labor of love.
That might not be better, but what it does is shorten the read by three words giving the same information. Brevity is appreciated by readers.
It is a amazing to me that "boiling a big, but ordinary-looking potato." could turn into "Many boxes filled with a taste of heaven." Just curious, does one potato really go so far?
This was a nice little tale about your Christmas Eve and time spent with your family.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate all the suggestions and will take a second look and evaluate. Yes, one large potato can go quite far! Again, thanks.
Comment from Kingsland
this little short story was very entertaining
I found nothing to suggest for it
as it seemed just fine as is to me
this for me was just a well written short story
that was my pleasure to have read and reviewed it... John
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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this little short story was very entertaining
I found nothing to suggest for it
as it seemed just fine as is to me
this for me was just a well written short story
that was my pleasure to have read and reviewed it... John
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thank you for the great review! Glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from daizylublue
GentleWind ,
I think you have a good story and a nice core expand on. I think the flow is good. My suggestion would be to use active voice. Take the noun or subject you want to emphasize and put an action verb behind it. Circle all the "was" you can find and see if you can make it an active verb. This is not to be confused with past and present tense. Here's an example:
Mama's kitchen was always crowded, but especially at this time of year.
Mama made our kitchen the heart of our family. Once a year the whole family gathered there to begin our labor of love.
I think you are on your way and I hope this helps. If you have any other questions let me know. Keep up the good work.
Daizy
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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GentleWind ,
I think you have a good story and a nice core expand on. I think the flow is good. My suggestion would be to use active voice. Take the noun or subject you want to emphasize and put an action verb behind it. Circle all the "was" you can find and see if you can make it an active verb. This is not to be confused with past and present tense. Here's an example:
Mama's kitchen was always crowded, but especially at this time of year.
Mama made our kitchen the heart of our family. Once a year the whole family gathered there to begin our labor of love.
I think you are on your way and I hope this helps. If you have any other questions let me know. Keep up the good work.
Daizy
Comment Written 17-Apr-2008
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2008
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Thank you for the great review! I'll take these suggestions and do another look see. Again, thanks.
