The seven twenty-four to Cannon St.
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Tempus Fugit"Tales of commuting by train
5 total reviews
Comment from LovnPeace
i do enjoy your writing and this short story was no exception...the ending was so right on LOL sad but so true...it is a genious ending i think...Blessings...L&P*
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2008
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i do enjoy your writing and this short story was no exception...the ending was so right on LOL sad but so true...it is a genious ending i think...Blessings...L&P*
Comment Written 14-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2008
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A genius? If only. Thank you for your kind flattery.
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Yes, snodlaner, you do seem to have a sense of commuter's doom lately! But you write so well, so who cares if the subject is seemingly mundane and dark - you still give us a smile at the end! I'm only marking you a four for this one, mostly due to the fact that the beginning is a little slow (although beautifully writtten!) with an essay like quality - I see where you're going with the background, but I don't think you need to. I think you could've incorproated just a little more of this into the 'story' and gotten the same points across and really made it sing. You already work some of it out with the visuals of what the four of you are doing, I'd take it one step farther and work it all together.
However, that said, I'll add that the story portion itself is rich with details, true characters and such earthy realism. The end, checking watches is a priceless visual and conclusion! (Okay and a sad commentary, too...)
Regards,
Dawn
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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Yes, snodlaner, you do seem to have a sense of commuter's doom lately! But you write so well, so who cares if the subject is seemingly mundane and dark - you still give us a smile at the end! I'm only marking you a four for this one, mostly due to the fact that the beginning is a little slow (although beautifully writtten!) with an essay like quality - I see where you're going with the background, but I don't think you need to. I think you could've incorproated just a little more of this into the 'story' and gotten the same points across and really made it sing. You already work some of it out with the visuals of what the four of you are doing, I'd take it one step farther and work it all together.
However, that said, I'll add that the story portion itself is rich with details, true characters and such earthy realism. The end, checking watches is a priceless visual and conclusion! (Okay and a sad commentary, too...)
Regards,
Dawn
Comment Written 13-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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Fair enough. You're right, it is a bit of an intro, but the story itself felt a little too brief without it. Maybe I'll rewrite it later.
Thanks for your honest opinion, and I'm good you liked it in parts.
Comment from mcdaniel1299
I really enjoyed your story, I can relate a lot to it. I also really enjoyed your authors notes. You sound a lot like me. Normal in everyday world (as normal as can be anymore) but you let go when you write. I only found one thing that I think should be addressed
reasonable-should be reasonably?
thank you for sharing this piece, I really enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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I really enjoyed your story, I can relate a lot to it. I also really enjoyed your authors notes. You sound a lot like me. Normal in everyday world (as normal as can be anymore) but you let go when you write. I only found one thing that I think should be addressed
reasonable-should be reasonably?
thank you for sharing this piece, I really enjoyed it.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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Oops, thanks for the spag. And thank you for the review, I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from saherkhan
A very nice story but i could suggest a few grammatical corrections. Not that the writing is weak but sometimes one gets carried away while writing and the mind sometimes runs faster than the fingers on the keyboard. I hope you wont mind the suggestions:
"reasonably hope for." instead of "reasonable hope for."
"provided you had a mobile phone pressed tight to your ear" instead of "providing you had a mobile phone pressed tight to your ear"
"The city gentleman" instead of "the city gent"
"The flower lady" instead of "The floral lady shook her head"
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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A very nice story but i could suggest a few grammatical corrections. Not that the writing is weak but sometimes one gets carried away while writing and the mind sometimes runs faster than the fingers on the keyboard. I hope you wont mind the suggestions:
"reasonably hope for." instead of "reasonable hope for."
"provided you had a mobile phone pressed tight to your ear" instead of "providing you had a mobile phone pressed tight to your ear"
"The city gentleman" instead of "the city gent"
"The flower lady" instead of "The floral lady shook her head"
Comment Written 13-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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Thanks for your review. I think it is more the motion of the train and the tiny keyboard as I sit on the floor typing that is more responsible for the spags.
the reasonable and provided comments are valid, I shall change them.
City Gent is a UK and in particular a London phrase. It describes a middle class white collar worker, especially in finance. Gentleman implies a polite, well-mannered man. One may be a city gent but no gentleman.
A flower lady in london is one who sells flowers. In this case she has a flowery dress on, hence the adjective floral.
So while you are grammatically correct, I will probably leave those as they are, as they are closer to the meaning I had in mind.
Again, thank you for the review and I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from babylonia
LOL love the author's notes. i can see how commuting can be tiresome. even when driving yourself there can be those nasty unforeseen delays. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. made me smile. made me laugh. take care.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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LOL love the author's notes. i can see how commuting can be tiresome. even when driving yourself there can be those nasty unforeseen delays. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. made me smile. made me laugh. take care.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2008
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Glad you liked it. Thanks for the review
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you are very welcome~
babylonia
