Jobsworth
First Contact with Earth32 total reviews
Comment from Lee Shrug
Hi. I was so pleased to find one of your new stories to read. You have such a great sense of humour and this was FUNNY. I read for entertainment (mainly) so I appreciate what you write. Always makes me smile and/or laugh. If I might be so forward, I noticed a few spots where teeny tiny word improvements might have made for smoother reading. i.e. - A diet that allows you to eat chocolate and actually works. Could be something like - A chocolate diet ... Or - A diet of chocolate that actually works. Thanks for the fun read, L.S.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Hi. I was so pleased to find one of your new stories to read. You have such a great sense of humour and this was FUNNY. I read for entertainment (mainly) so I appreciate what you write. Always makes me smile and/or laugh. If I might be so forward, I noticed a few spots where teeny tiny word improvements might have made for smoother reading. i.e. - A diet that allows you to eat chocolate and actually works. Could be something like - A chocolate diet ... Or - A diet of chocolate that actually works. Thanks for the fun read, L.S.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Thanks. Words are slippery beggars, aren't they? A diet of something implies eating mainly that, whereas a diet implies losing weight. But I could pick at sentences for months and still be unsatisfied. I'll look at it again when I hav emore distance.
Thanks for your review. I'm glad you liked it
Comment from lerkun
hi there snodlander, always something interestingly out of this world whe I drop in for a look c... nice clean write with no apparent errors besides the one the nuff nuff just made...authority can soo go to some people's heads.... both ways.
b well
lerk
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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hi there snodlander, always something interestingly out of this world whe I drop in for a look c... nice clean write with no apparent errors besides the one the nuff nuff just made...authority can soo go to some people's heads.... both ways.
b well
lerk
Comment Written 26-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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You're very kind, thank you. Glad you liked it
Comment from skipatrol
Snodlander, I had a great time reading this one. Good descriptive language through word selection. Nice timing and pace. Shows your imagination and ability to put it to paper.
A few nits to consider:
-- Need inner quotes around, 'sunshine.'"
-- Missing initial quotes around "Name."
Excellent piece. I laughed aloud.
regards,
jon
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Snodlander, I had a great time reading this one. Good descriptive language through word selection. Nice timing and pace. Shows your imagination and ability to put it to paper.
A few nits to consider:
-- Need inner quotes around, 'sunshine.'"
-- Missing initial quotes around "Name."
Excellent piece. I laughed aloud.
regards,
jon
Comment Written 26-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Glad you found it funny. Thanks
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
snodlander, what makes this so funny is I know two parking
"cop" attendants in my city who would each be perfect choices to play the part of Albert (one would have to be Alberta) if you ever turn this into a little one act play. I can just picture the straight-faced, no smile approach as the ticket is being written. "Don't park that there thing here on my turf on my watch, buddy. I don't care where you're from or what your agenda is. MOVE IT ~ NOW!" I love it.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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snodlander, what makes this so funny is I know two parking
"cop" attendants in my city who would each be perfect choices to play the part of Albert (one would have to be Alberta) if you ever turn this into a little one act play. I can just picture the straight-faced, no smile approach as the ticket is being written. "Don't park that there thing here on my turf on my watch, buddy. I don't care where you're from or what your agenda is. MOVE IT ~ NOW!" I love it.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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I hope they don't sue. Maybe I should include disclaimers. Glad you liked it
Comment from esgaffney
You come up with some of the cleverest sketches. I LIKE it.
I do have a few usage etc suggestions:
whine of the engines became less laboured [whine and laboured don't sound right together, maybe it wound down instead of becoming less laboured]
metronomic ticking of the fuselage cooling [Sorry, engineering comment: such cooling sounds are usually nearly random unless the structure is homogeneous and highly symmetric]
with the obligatory whoosh [nice, adds comedic air]
senatorial [stentorian?]
Not what's in my hand, what I am using my pen to point at. [two separate sentences?]
What's an ambassador to do anymore. We humans are such jerks at times.
Very entertaining.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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You come up with some of the cleverest sketches. I LIKE it.
I do have a few usage etc suggestions:
whine of the engines became less laboured [whine and laboured don't sound right together, maybe it wound down instead of becoming less laboured]
metronomic ticking of the fuselage cooling [Sorry, engineering comment: such cooling sounds are usually nearly random unless the structure is homogeneous and highly symmetric]
with the obligatory whoosh [nice, adds comedic air]
senatorial [stentorian?]
Not what's in my hand, what I am using my pen to point at. [two separate sentences?]
What's an ambassador to do anymore. We humans are such jerks at times.
Very entertaining.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Isn't it odd how we can suspend belief over the big things (aliens, spaceships, etc) but it's always the little things. I'm the same with computers in films.
Thanks for your comments. I'm glad you liked it
Comment from iamwrite
Before I begin my review, I just have to tell you I adore your tag line about 'it's our bloody language...'
OK, on to the story. Commentary, suggestions, praise and glory:
Your first paragrah has some marevelous descriptive words, especially..'like a grand old matron settling into her favourite chair..' I also like ..'the metronomic ticking..'
I have found no spag issues at all. I have found only humor! This was a real kick. Thanks for a good story.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Before I begin my review, I just have to tell you I adore your tag line about 'it's our bloody language...'
OK, on to the story. Commentary, suggestions, praise and glory:
Your first paragrah has some marevelous descriptive words, especially..'like a grand old matron settling into her favourite chair..' I also like ..'the metronomic ticking..'
I have found no spag issues at all. I have found only humor! This was a real kick. Thanks for a good story.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2008
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Well, thank you. I like your name. As a married man, being right is something I can never lay claim to.
Glad you like it
Comment from thorney
Hi there snodlander, Funny little story you have written, but since I've met Albert (or his clone) on many-an-occation, irony springs more to mind. Still, it could have been worse, poor Zarr'ock could have met a POLICEMAN!
Only one thing caught my eye, and I'm not that sure about it:
He would put a marker buoy in deep orbit of the planet,
Not keen about ... of the planet, 'deep orbit around the planet' suonds a little better
Really funny story though. Well done.
Regards, Pete.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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Hi there snodlander, Funny little story you have written, but since I've met Albert (or his clone) on many-an-occation, irony springs more to mind. Still, it could have been worse, poor Zarr'ock could have met a POLICEMAN!
Only one thing caught my eye, and I'm not that sure about it:
He would put a marker buoy in deep orbit of the planet,
Not keen about ... of the planet, 'deep orbit around the planet' suonds a little better
Really funny story though. Well done.
Regards, Pete.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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http://www.nasa.gov/home/hqnews/2004/jul/HQ_04215_mercury.html
If it's good enough for NASA ... 8^)
But I'll look at it when I have a bit more distance.
Thanks for your review, I'm glad you enjoyed it, despite my being an ex-policeman
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I see what you mean, '... into orbit around its target planet.'
Anyway is good.
Pete.
Comment from chasedaway
HA!
What a funny story! The poor alien. If Monty Python did science-fiction this is what i would expect. I love Monty Python--maybe you don't, but that's a compliment as far as I'm concerned!
One point, not a big deal:
Albert had long experience [of] this sort of thing.
--[with]
High five on this one!
Chase
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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HA!
What a funny story! The poor alien. If Monty Python did science-fiction this is what i would expect. I love Monty Python--maybe you don't, but that's a compliment as far as I'm concerned!
One point, not a big deal:
Albert had long experience [of] this sort of thing.
--[with]
High five on this one!
Chase
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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Thanks for your review. I'm glad you liked it and am flattered by the comparison. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/experience would suggest it is 'experience of'', but American and English use may vary.
Comment from Sissy
Hey snod!
You had me laughing out loud here. Glad I wasn't drinking my coffee just then! :) I swear, Albert cracked me up! Very entertaining! Where do you come up with this stuff??
Some stuff to consider:
from the downdraft
like a grand old matron settling down in her favourite chair
(consider just saying: matron setting into her... <--kicks one down, since you have two close together.)
'I'll groogle your splinths at wurbertime"
(You have a single quote to start tihs, double quote at end. Also, would the song have to be in caps since it's a title.)
A speech to one person was a conversation, and how oratorical was that? (<--hahaah. Very true.)
Can't park there," said Albert, nodding at the shuttle.
(Loved this line!)
you aint parking (ain't?)
"Take me to your leader," he said, quoting the age-old mantra of inter-galactic diplomacy. (consider kicking the 'said' and just saying 'he quoted the age-old...')
He was paid by the hour, he was in no hurry (consider a semicolon w/ the two complete sentences, instead of the comma. and/or kick a was: Paid by the hour, he was in no hurry, or something along those lines.)
Take care,
Sis
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reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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Hey snod!
You had me laughing out loud here. Glad I wasn't drinking my coffee just then! :) I swear, Albert cracked me up! Very entertaining! Where do you come up with this stuff??
Some stuff to consider:
from the downdraft
like a grand old matron settling down in her favourite chair
(consider just saying: matron setting into her... <--kicks one down, since you have two close together.)
'I'll groogle your splinths at wurbertime"
(You have a single quote to start tihs, double quote at end. Also, would the song have to be in caps since it's a title.)
A speech to one person was a conversation, and how oratorical was that? (<--hahaah. Very true.)
Can't park there," said Albert, nodding at the shuttle.
(Loved this line!)
you aint parking (ain't?)
"Take me to your leader," he said, quoting the age-old mantra of inter-galactic diplomacy. (consider kicking the 'said' and just saying 'he quoted the age-old...')
He was paid by the hour, he was in no hurry (consider a semicolon w/ the two complete sentences, instead of the comma. and/or kick a was: Paid by the hour, he was in no hurry, or something along those lines.)
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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Most of this stuff is beamed direct to me from the Federation of Planets, which is why I wear tin foil in bed.
I'm not sure about aint/ain't. One version of Word I have complains about the apostrophe, one doesn't. Hmm, but the on-line dictionaries tend to side with you. I'll give in on that point.
Thanks as ever for your complete review
Comment from x-ray
The shuttle gently sunk to the ground,...' ?it may just be me, but 'sunk' seems more past tense, as in 'had sunk', I'd use 'sank' here
all that could be heard was the metric ticking of the fuselage...'
Cracked open the oxford dictionary on this one, thinking 'metronomic', could also use 'metrical' which references poetic metre, but read 'metric' as being strictly measurements, not rythm. Larned summat meself, there:)
he reflected on the strange psychology of the creatures he had to deal with.' ?rephrase to avoid ending with 'with'?(& no, I don't have a stutter)
Hi Snod,
Great stuff, grinned a mile wide at the Albert character; every story should have one!
Smiled at the obligatory 'sound effects' door, can't have a good space ship withoput that, as any self -respecting nerd should know.
This explains, I guess, why they've never landed at Windsor, or the White House, or Canberra (tho Canberra is understandable, no-one else knows where it is either). Warned off by the parking inspectors long ago, and of course the 'prime directive' requires their obedience to our cultural wishes.
Tho as a chocoholic that chocky diet would've been nice (loosens belt another notch).
At least we can apparently have internet contact. Might explain some of the weirder websites about.
Thoroughly enjoyable, happiest thing I've read all week. Ever thought of offering it as a sketch outline for a comedy tv show? It'd work great. Prob'ly best to wait till the strike's over, but, show solidarity an' all that:)
Best, X.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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The shuttle gently sunk to the ground,...' ?it may just be me, but 'sunk' seems more past tense, as in 'had sunk', I'd use 'sank' here
all that could be heard was the metric ticking of the fuselage...'
Cracked open the oxford dictionary on this one, thinking 'metronomic', could also use 'metrical' which references poetic metre, but read 'metric' as being strictly measurements, not rythm. Larned summat meself, there:)
he reflected on the strange psychology of the creatures he had to deal with.' ?rephrase to avoid ending with 'with'?(& no, I don't have a stutter)
Hi Snod,
Great stuff, grinned a mile wide at the Albert character; every story should have one!
Smiled at the obligatory 'sound effects' door, can't have a good space ship withoput that, as any self -respecting nerd should know.
This explains, I guess, why they've never landed at Windsor, or the White House, or Canberra (tho Canberra is understandable, no-one else knows where it is either). Warned off by the parking inspectors long ago, and of course the 'prime directive' requires their obedience to our cultural wishes.
Tho as a chocoholic that chocky diet would've been nice (loosens belt another notch).
At least we can apparently have internet contact. Might explain some of the weirder websites about.
Thoroughly enjoyable, happiest thing I've read all week. Ever thought of offering it as a sketch outline for a comedy tv show? It'd work great. Prob'ly best to wait till the strike's over, but, show solidarity an' all that:)
Best, X.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2008
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Good points. I shall revisit it. I think I shall change it to metronomic in any case, it is such a cool-sounding word.
Thanks for your excellent review. Glad you enjoyed it
