The New Commandments
If I were God39 total reviews
Comment from Jiggerella
this is a great story i think you did a great job i am amazed by how some people have taken this contest in another direction
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2008
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this is a great story i think you did a great job i am amazed by how some people have taken this contest in another direction
Comment Written 16-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2008
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There's nowt as queer as folk, as they say here. Quite frankly, I'm glad only God is God. I'd make a pretty poor job of it.
Thanks for your review, I'm glad you liked it
Comment from bard owl
This is SO FUNNY. Some of your remarks would even make God Himself fall over laughing. Humankind, besides being such an disappointment and heartache to the Heavenly Father, also probably keeps him amused at the audacity. I love the part about the commuter trains - big backpacks. Thank you for allowing you fellow writers to read your work. You have made my day a little brighter. Good luck in the contest. bard owl
I read this for a second time and changed my mind. It should be rated a six. Even my husband, who is of a dour disposition, laughed when I read it to him!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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This is SO FUNNY. Some of your remarks would even make God Himself fall over laughing. Humankind, besides being such an disappointment and heartache to the Heavenly Father, also probably keeps him amused at the audacity. I love the part about the commuter trains - big backpacks. Thank you for allowing you fellow writers to read your work. You have made my day a little brighter. Good luck in the contest. bard owl
I read this for a second time and changed my mind. It should be rated a six. Even my husband, who is of a dour disposition, laughed when I read it to him!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2008
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God must have a sense of humour. Just look at the absurdities he makes us go through for sex. I'm glad you liked this. Thank you for your review
Comment from Annmuma
A fun, well written piece. I enjoyed the humor and the pace. Good contest entry. I wish you luck and I'll be dropping by the voting booth later this morning. ann
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2008
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A fun, well written piece. I enjoyed the humor and the pace. Good contest entry. I wish you luck and I'll be dropping by the voting booth later this morning. ann
Comment Written 15-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2008
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You're very kind. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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You're very kind. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks
Comment from babylonia
this is absolutely wonderful. i did see one small ... tiny really ... spag. comma after designed by a committeee, but as soon ... it is in the first paragraph.
it made me smile. it made me laugh. it made my daughter come in and tell me i was making too much noise and it might wake her daddy. LOL
definitely a good read. keep up the good work~
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2008
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this is absolutely wonderful. i did see one small ... tiny really ... spag. comma after designed by a committeee, but as soon ... it is in the first paragraph.
it made me smile. it made me laugh. it made my daughter come in and tell me i was making too much noise and it might wake her daddy. LOL
definitely a good read. keep up the good work~
Comment Written 15-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2008
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You're very kind. I'll revisit it and have a look at that comma
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you are very welcome~
babylonia
Comment from azbukivedi
I'd put you at #1 in no time! You are one of my favorites here. And I love your sense of humor.
But I do get from your last postings that London is overcrowded, you are somewhat claustrophobic, and should consider moving to suburbs. Or to Iceland. LOL
Best of luck with the contest!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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I'd put you at #1 in no time! You are one of my favorites here. And I love your sense of humor.
But I do get from your last postings that London is overcrowded, you are somewhat claustrophobic, and should consider moving to suburbs. Or to Iceland. LOL
Best of luck with the contest!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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Actually, I quite enjoy it, being a country lad. I'm happy in my job and personal life. I don't know where all this dark stuff is coming from. But next week I'm in Berlin, so I'll make comparisons.
Thanks for your review and good wishes.
Comment from Penpal
Hehehehe. This is unique and a delightfully fun and refreshing read. I liked how this author took everyday ordinary things and showed how he would change them if he were God. A few nits to consider, I will be happy to re-read this fun piece when corrections are made.
The world is so good purely because it wasn't designed by a committee. But as soon as you have five billion free wills sticking their oar in, you're going to get problems.
....You shouldn't start a sentence with"But" here's a suggestion.
The world is good because of its designer, but when you have five billion free wills sticking their oar(s) in, there are going to be problems.
Commuters jostle shoulder to shoulder, spill over into the (kerb)(,) and bump and push each other in an attempt to get to work....(curb) you should use a spell-checker.
And as I am six feet three (a good height for a God) the tiny metal spokes that poke out are just at My eye level. And it shall be a mortal sin to open a golf umbrella in the city, unless you are actually playing a round of golf in the streets. I invented hats and raincoats for a reason. .... instead of starting off your sentence with And, I'd suggest...I am six feet three (a good height for a God) and the tiny metal spokes that poke out are at my eye level. no need to capatalize my....
Thus, it should be deemed a mortal sin to .....
Where you say "I invented hats...should be changed to Hats and raincoats were invented for a reason....remember your theme is "IF you were God, not that you are God.
Thou shalt wait thy turn. I don't care if you only have a (coupe) of items and forty-five minutes for lunch. We were all here before you and have queued patiently for long, long minutes. You can suffer along with the rest of us.
(couple) typo...
forty-five minutes for lunch - we were all here....
And thou shalt get everything you want before hitting the tills. Waiting until the sub-total and then remembering you wanted toilet paper as well is no excuse to leave us all fuming for five minutes while you go get some. ...
Suggestion: Add to this; thou shalt get everything you want before hitting the tills. How irritating for others when a shopper realises he has forgotten toilet paper and leaves the rest of us waiting for five more minutes. ..or something like that.
(And)if you think that brightly-coloured helmet makes you look cool, buy a mirror.
If you think....
I especially liked: Thou shalt not wear Lycra after the age of twenty three. Cycling is all well and good for the heart, ecologically sound and all that, but if work trousers and a cloth cap were good enough for your dad, they're good enough for you. Tight cycling shorts stretched to breaking-point do you no favours, and we really don't want to see it. And if you think that brightly-coloured helmet makes you look cool, buy a mirror. ...Well put. I have seen it many times. lol
I enjoyed this contest entry.
Sallysaucer
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reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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Hehehehe. This is unique and a delightfully fun and refreshing read. I liked how this author took everyday ordinary things and showed how he would change them if he were God. A few nits to consider, I will be happy to re-read this fun piece when corrections are made.
The world is so good purely because it wasn't designed by a committee. But as soon as you have five billion free wills sticking their oar in, you're going to get problems.
....You shouldn't start a sentence with"But" here's a suggestion.
The world is good because of its designer, but when you have five billion free wills sticking their oar(s) in, there are going to be problems.
Commuters jostle shoulder to shoulder, spill over into the (kerb)(,) and bump and push each other in an attempt to get to work....(curb) you should use a spell-checker.
And as I am six feet three (a good height for a God) the tiny metal spokes that poke out are just at My eye level. And it shall be a mortal sin to open a golf umbrella in the city, unless you are actually playing a round of golf in the streets. I invented hats and raincoats for a reason. .... instead of starting off your sentence with And, I'd suggest...I am six feet three (a good height for a God) and the tiny metal spokes that poke out are at my eye level. no need to capatalize my....
Thus, it should be deemed a mortal sin to .....
Where you say "I invented hats...should be changed to Hats and raincoats were invented for a reason....remember your theme is "IF you were God, not that you are God.
Thou shalt wait thy turn. I don't care if you only have a (coupe) of items and forty-five minutes for lunch. We were all here before you and have queued patiently for long, long minutes. You can suffer along with the rest of us.
(couple) typo...
forty-five minutes for lunch - we were all here....
And thou shalt get everything you want before hitting the tills. Waiting until the sub-total and then remembering you wanted toilet paper as well is no excuse to leave us all fuming for five minutes while you go get some. ...
Suggestion: Add to this; thou shalt get everything you want before hitting the tills. How irritating for others when a shopper realises he has forgotten toilet paper and leaves the rest of us waiting for five more minutes. ..or something like that.
(And)if you think that brightly-coloured helmet makes you look cool, buy a mirror.
If you think....
I especially liked: Thou shalt not wear Lycra after the age of twenty three. Cycling is all well and good for the heart, ecologically sound and all that, but if work trousers and a cloth cap were good enough for your dad, they're good enough for you. Tight cycling shorts stretched to breaking-point do you no favours, and we really don't want to see it. And if you think that brightly-coloured helmet makes you look cool, buy a mirror. ...Well put. I have seen it many times. lol
I enjoyed this contest entry.
Sallysaucer
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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Thank you for your review. The Ands and Buts are there to reflect that it is a rant, more than anything. As I get older and less tolerant, I find that each rant I start (and I start many) evolves into a tirade starting with, 'and another thing.'
As for kerb, I have a proper spellchecker. You Americans really should learn how to spell. (By the way, that's humour with a 'u') 8^)
I'll have a look at the other points when I have more distance.
Thanks for the review and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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If you do do anything with it, let me know and I'll be happy to re-read it.
When I read your work, I always learn something, hehehehe. Like tube, now - kerb.
Sallysaucer
Comment from JustJenny12345
LMAO!!! This is a great entry and I think I like your commandments a lot! I hope you do get made God LOL. Watch it with the lycra though, almighty one, I wear lycra leggings and I'm 31!
Amen to this! Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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LMAO!!! This is a great entry and I think I like your commandments a lot! I hope you do get made God LOL. Watch it with the lycra though, almighty one, I wear lycra leggings and I'm 31!
Amen to this! Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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Feel free to continue wearing them. Just don't come running to me when you're up to your lycra pants in fire and brimstone.
Thanks, and I'm glad you found this funny.
Comment from schiestyboy
Hilarious! There too many parts that made me laugh to keep count of. I think you've also made some valid points that just about anyone could agree with! This is most definitely a strong entry, best of luck in the contest :)
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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Hilarious! There too many parts that made me laugh to keep count of. I think you've also made some valid points that just about anyone could agree with! This is most definitely a strong entry, best of luck in the contest :)
Comment Written 11-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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You're very kind, thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Maximilia
Ha. Funny story. :) Made me chuckle. Don't see any errors, but I do see a lot of sentences starting with 'and'... I"m chalking that down to writing style. The only question I have is 'kerb'... is that the English spelling of curb?
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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Ha. Funny story. :) Made me chuckle. Don't see any errors, but I do see a lot of sentences starting with 'and'... I"m chalking that down to writing style. The only question I have is 'kerb'... is that the English spelling of curb?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2008
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No, 'curb' is the American spelling of 'kerb'. The 'ands' are there because it's more of a rant, and people tend to rant by adding, 'and another thing.' At least I do, because so many things cause me to rant.
Thanks for your review, and I'm glad you found it funny.
