Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A Heart of Stone"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
27 total reviews
Comment from Pit Bull Mom
Good for her. At least he'll never hit her again. I liked the symbology behind the blind that set her off. Nice trick, there! Here are a few unimportant notes:
He gives her a quick hug and spins around, crossing the distance to the kitchen; she watches till he's out of sight. (This seems like it would read better as two sentences: He gives her a quick hug and spins around, crossing the distance to the kitchen(.) She watches till he's out of sight.
Where did I go? (Is this suppose to be "Where did I go (wrong)?)
Nicely written. Though a difficult topic, an easy and smooth read.
Heather
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Good for her. At least he'll never hit her again. I liked the symbology behind the blind that set her off. Nice trick, there! Here are a few unimportant notes:
He gives her a quick hug and spins around, crossing the distance to the kitchen; she watches till he's out of sight. (This seems like it would read better as two sentences: He gives her a quick hug and spins around, crossing the distance to the kitchen(.) She watches till he's out of sight.
Where did I go? (Is this suppose to be "Where did I go (wrong)?)
Nicely written. Though a difficult topic, an easy and smooth read.
Heather
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from Janilou
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry," he whispers, slowly walking in and laying his hand on her shoulder. "It's just, sometimes, I get so mad... I can't help it. I don't mean to hurt you."
She stares back through the impartial glass, tensed and uncomfortable with his presence. "I know," she whispers back, knowing any other answer would set him off again. He steps closer and she cringes as his arms encircle her. He rubs his face against her hair and sighs.
"I'm sorry... so sorry, baby. Please, don't hate me. I love you so much..." But I do, she thinks, as he mumbles on, his words now indecipherable, I do hate you.
These words brought shudders to my whole body. I have lived this scene. Word for word. It was a lot of years ago, but it never ceases to amaze me - how it can feel like yesterday reading this.
Your ending still managed to shock me. I'm glad it never came to that for me, because I would not want to take the life of another human being but I do understand why women make this choice when they feel they have no other.
Excellent writing. Stunningly realistic descriptions and dialogue.
What else can I say?
Jan
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"Oh baby, I'm so sorry," he whispers, slowly walking in and laying his hand on her shoulder. "It's just, sometimes, I get so mad... I can't help it. I don't mean to hurt you."
She stares back through the impartial glass, tensed and uncomfortable with his presence. "I know," she whispers back, knowing any other answer would set him off again. He steps closer and she cringes as his arms encircle her. He rubs his face against her hair and sighs.
"I'm sorry... so sorry, baby. Please, don't hate me. I love you so much..." But I do, she thinks, as he mumbles on, his words now indecipherable, I do hate you.
These words brought shudders to my whole body. I have lived this scene. Word for word. It was a lot of years ago, but it never ceases to amaze me - how it can feel like yesterday reading this.
Your ending still managed to shock me. I'm glad it never came to that for me, because I would not want to take the life of another human being but I do understand why women make this choice when they feel they have no other.
Excellent writing. Stunningly realistic descriptions and dialogue.
What else can I say?
Jan
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from FrankieT
Very well written, graphic in detail but it needed to be
to convey the feelings encompassed in the situation.
Happy the SOB finally got his just desserts and he didn't
even have to eat dineer. :0)
FrankieT
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Very well written, graphic in detail but it needed to be
to convey the feelings encompassed in the situation.
Happy the SOB finally got his just desserts and he didn't
even have to eat dineer. :0)
FrankieT
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from venusanblue
A very graphic story. I was gripped after the first word. An often too true story. These men are inadequate in only a way they know. The story holds the reader throughout, then a knockout ending, when the man gets his come uppance, good on you Diane. V,xx
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A very graphic story. I was gripped after the first word. An often too true story. These men are inadequate in only a way they know. The story holds the reader throughout, then a knockout ending, when the man gets his come uppance, good on you Diane. V,xx
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from simon_morris
I'm sorry but I found this story to be unrealistic and so filled with pronouns he and she that I could not identify with your protagonist. Stories such as this need to begim with people who the reader can see, hear and feel with/for/against. Having spent a career working with abused women, in forty years of practice, I never saw a Hollywood ending. Only Farrah Fawcett seems to have perfected a means of getting rid of her perpetrator in such an uplifting manner. It is the victim who almost 100 times out of 100 winds up dead -- if someone is going to die in these family tragedies. The characters had no background, no identifying characteristice and were dropped into a Grand Guignoil withoput motivation or rationale.
I believe you need to go back into this story to reconceive it and create two characters before you swing them into action instead of two two-dimensional cardboard figures. If you are representing this as fiction, you need to follow the precepts of fiction in character creation, motivation and character development rather than tell a tale and in the end, by God straight from, the scripts of Hitchcock, she up and kill;s him. If she cou;ld do that, she woui;d have walked ouit on him after the first beating. To make fiction ring, it requires verisimilitude and at this point in its development, this story lacks it.
On the positive side, you got the behaviors of an abuser/victim nailed. The switch from "abuser" to "lover," the almost psychotic "forgetting" what he did just moments before. But, with no character development, no back story to justify her descent into Hell with this guy, no back story for him, either, it was a vignette with diminished power to focus on the whys and hows of abuse or to allopw the reader to see the process they went through.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2007
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I'm sorry but I found this story to be unrealistic and so filled with pronouns he and she that I could not identify with your protagonist. Stories such as this need to begim with people who the reader can see, hear and feel with/for/against. Having spent a career working with abused women, in forty years of practice, I never saw a Hollywood ending. Only Farrah Fawcett seems to have perfected a means of getting rid of her perpetrator in such an uplifting manner. It is the victim who almost 100 times out of 100 winds up dead -- if someone is going to die in these family tragedies. The characters had no background, no identifying characteristice and were dropped into a Grand Guignoil withoput motivation or rationale.
I believe you need to go back into this story to reconceive it and create two characters before you swing them into action instead of two two-dimensional cardboard figures. If you are representing this as fiction, you need to follow the precepts of fiction in character creation, motivation and character development rather than tell a tale and in the end, by God straight from, the scripts of Hitchcock, she up and kill;s him. If she cou;ld do that, she woui;d have walked ouit on him after the first beating. To make fiction ring, it requires verisimilitude and at this point in its development, this story lacks it.
On the positive side, you got the behaviors of an abuser/victim nailed. The switch from "abuser" to "lover," the almost psychotic "forgetting" what he did just moments before. But, with no character development, no back story to justify her descent into Hell with this guy, no back story for him, either, it was a vignette with diminished power to focus on the whys and hows of abuse or to allopw the reader to see the process they went through.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2007
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This is all true up to the point that he gets stabbed. Unfortunatly, I did't have` the guts to do that. so, believable to you or not... truth none the less.
Comment from Sue-z-Q
Hi Ric:
This story could very well be true. Similar events happen everyday in real life. It's a sad commentary on the human condition.
~~ notes ~~
["Clean yourself up, Diane,(.) you (You) look like shit." ] The two thoughts gain more power when separated.
[tensed (tense) and uncomfortable with his presence.] You need agreement here between the tenses of tense and uncomfortable.
[~~ she used to find handsome (but - delete) now repulses her.] Better without 'but.'
[ "I'm sorry... so sorry, baby. Please, don't hate me. I love you so much..." *But I do, she thinks, as he mumbles on, his words now indecipherable, I do hate you.
You need to add a line space where I put the asterisk. Sometimes a line space is hard to get because the editor doesn't accept one click for a line space when you're editing. Try double clicking enter there. It may not look right in the editor, but it will where it's posted. I've told Tom about this problem, but his answer didn't solve anything. I hope this info helps you.
I'm not docking you any stars because the above notes are more opinion than spag and I leave them for your consideration.
You've written these gruesome scenes so well, it's easy to sympathize with Diane. However, murder or attempted murder, is not an option the law will condone, especially since her action is premeditated. Even if he survives, she will live to regret it.
All in all, I found this chapter interesting to read.
Sue-z-Q
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Hi Ric:
This story could very well be true. Similar events happen everyday in real life. It's a sad commentary on the human condition.
~~ notes ~~
["Clean yourself up, Diane,(.) you (You) look like shit." ] The two thoughts gain more power when separated.
[tensed (tense) and uncomfortable with his presence.] You need agreement here between the tenses of tense and uncomfortable.
[~~ she used to find handsome (but - delete) now repulses her.] Better without 'but.'
[ "I'm sorry... so sorry, baby. Please, don't hate me. I love you so much..." *But I do, she thinks, as he mumbles on, his words now indecipherable, I do hate you.
You need to add a line space where I put the asterisk. Sometimes a line space is hard to get because the editor doesn't accept one click for a line space when you're editing. Try double clicking enter there. It may not look right in the editor, but it will where it's posted. I've told Tom about this problem, but his answer didn't solve anything. I hope this info helps you.
I'm not docking you any stars because the above notes are more opinion than spag and I leave them for your consideration.
You've written these gruesome scenes so well, it's easy to sympathize with Diane. However, murder or attempted murder, is not an option the law will condone, especially since her action is premeditated. Even if he survives, she will live to regret it.
All in all, I found this chapter interesting to read.
Sue-z-Q
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from Bryana
This is so sad. At times it made so angry, I know this is fiction, but in real life happens more often than we'd like to.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry," It's just, sometimes, I get so mad...I can't help it. I don't mean to hurt you"
They all say this, but never improve. Either you divorce him and maybe not even this will end the abuse or....well look what Diane did.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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This is so sad. At times it made so angry, I know this is fiction, but in real life happens more often than we'd like to.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry," It's just, sometimes, I get so mad...I can't help it. I don't mean to hurt you"
They all say this, but never improve. Either you divorce him and maybe not even this will end the abuse or....well look what Diane did.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from Mylhibug
Well can't say that he didn't deserve it, that's for sure. Of course, she may have to spend some time in a jail cell herself, but the smile on her face will not falter, I am sure. Nicely written and easy to read.
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Well can't say that he didn't deserve it, that's for sure. Of course, she may have to spend some time in a jail cell herself, but the smile on her face will not falter, I am sure. Nicely written and easy to read.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from DawningOne
That was a much too realistic rendition of an evening with an abusive
Husband. She only did what countles of us out there would have wanted to do.
This was a very good story, distubing but well-written. God bless you.
Much love,
Dawn
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That was a much too realistic rendition of an evening with an abusive
Husband. She only did what countles of us out there would have wanted to do.
This was a very good story, distubing but well-written. God bless you.
Much love,
Dawn
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from Thayamax
Very vivid and emotional description of domestic abuse. This story held my attention from beginning to end. I like the way you punctuate the story with her unsaid thoughts. I love the ending! It's strange how the victims often don't fight back, then something small, like the blood on her plate while he's being nice, can trigger the retaliation. Well written.
I gave it four stars because of several nits. I will happily revisit if some changes are made.
closes her eyes when he speaks(;) his voice a deep, commanding growl. -- last part isn't a complete sentence. suggest a comma.
What happened to them[?], she wonders.
she'd said[,] ["]I do,["] to a man who could[n't] care less.
What have I become[?], she silently asks it.
she turns away from the hollow eyes[,] (and) shuffles to the living room and sits on the couch -- too many "and"s, comma after "eyes", delete first "and"
she stares at the feeble glow of wood unable to re-ignite -- suggest you mention the fireplace
she stares at the (blood) as it (bleeds) its way into her mashed potatoes -- blood and bleeds sound too similar so close together, suggest changing "bleeds" to "trickles" or something similar
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
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Very vivid and emotional description of domestic abuse. This story held my attention from beginning to end. I like the way you punctuate the story with her unsaid thoughts. I love the ending! It's strange how the victims often don't fight back, then something small, like the blood on her plate while he's being nice, can trigger the retaliation. Well written.
I gave it four stars because of several nits. I will happily revisit if some changes are made.
closes her eyes when he speaks(;) his voice a deep, commanding growl. -- last part isn't a complete sentence. suggest a comma.
What happened to them[?], she wonders.
she'd said[,] ["]I do,["] to a man who could[n't] care less.
What have I become[?], she silently asks it.
she turns away from the hollow eyes[,] (and) shuffles to the living room and sits on the couch -- too many "and"s, comma after "eyes", delete first "and"
she stares at the feeble glow of wood unable to re-ignite -- suggest you mention the fireplace
she stares at the (blood) as it (bleeds) its way into her mashed potatoes -- blood and bleeds sound too similar so close together, suggest changing "bleeds" to "trickles" or something similar
Comment Written 27-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
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Obie kabie kemosabie... all fixed :-D Thank you for such a thorough review! I'm glad you caught those... I sure didn't!
I'm glad you are willing to give another once over... I believe you will find it is better with the mistakes fixed! LOL
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my story! I appreciate your time :-D
Wonderful story. I think it reads much better now and have upgraded my rating to five stars. However, while making the corrections, I think you made a couple of typos.
What have I become(/)[?], typo, I'm sure.
wood unable to re-ignite(;) locked in a prison of doubts and confusion, hopelessly trying to glue the pieces of herself back together. comma instead of semicolon, second half not a complete sentence
Whatever! Great story, glad you liked my suggestions.
Thaya
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I hate it when that happens! I could have sworn I put a question mark there :-/
Ohhh well.... it is fixed now. Thanks for catching it!
I appreciate that you went back in and re-checked it... and raised me to 5 stars :-D
Have wonderful evening (at least, it's evening here...)
G.D.Ricouard
