Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Coldest Summer"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
39 total reviews
Comment from wirenut
Hey Stanford...
really nice entry should do well no problems that I found, too much polish in that writin' li'l gal.
good story smooth flow and pelasurable to read, comfortable... good moral at the end. lost innocence, happens to all of us in different ways.
good luck with the contest and keep up the writin'
see ya
rick
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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Hey Stanford...
really nice entry should do well no problems that I found, too much polish in that writin' li'l gal.
good story smooth flow and pelasurable to read, comfortable... good moral at the end. lost innocence, happens to all of us in different ways.
good luck with the contest and keep up the writin'
see ya
rick
Comment Written 25-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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LOL... I'm glad to see you read the bio as well :-)
Thank tou very much for taking the time to read and review my story. Your comments are appreciated!
Comment from gauntlet
Reading this, I was convinced it was a true story until I scrolled back up to the top and saw that it was fiction. The guys in the story reminded me of "The Outsiders" by S.E. Hinton. Do you know that book? I thought you really captured the voice of the narrator well as well. The only very slightly critical thing I could say about the story was that it seemed a little slow to get to the action. I was kind of wondering when I was reading it when something was going to actually happen. But I'm not even completely sure that's valid. It was good that you took up the time to set everything up, how the boys were connected to one another. All in all, I'd say it's a really good and solid story.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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Reading this, I was convinced it was a true story until I scrolled back up to the top and saw that it was fiction. The guys in the story reminded me of "The Outsiders" by S.E. Hinton. Do you know that book? I thought you really captured the voice of the narrator well as well. The only very slightly critical thing I could say about the story was that it seemed a little slow to get to the action. I was kind of wondering when I was reading it when something was going to actually happen. But I'm not even completely sure that's valid. It was good that you took up the time to set everything up, how the boys were connected to one another. All in all, I'd say it's a really good and solid story.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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I don't believe I have ever heard of that story? book? But I would be interested in the read. I'll have to look it up on the net :-) Thank you for bringing it to my attention!
I'm glad I was able to make you wonder whether it was fiction or non... I wanted to make it as real as possible. Knowing that you had to scroll up to check makes me feel like I might have accomplished that. Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review my work :-D
Comment from Pat Mohr
Dear Ricouard,
What a poignant story of friendship in youth.
I very quickly was caught up in the lives of these boys and you marched me through those lazy, hot days of summer. I could almost feel the chill of the water as they jumped in!
Your descriptive language during the police scene and the waiting around was very real, very believable. Good work.
You may wish to consider the following edits:
***
... like brothers ([who) had ...
Not necessary to put an apostrophe after kinda
Same with oughta
"I'm [friggin'] baking here.
[Knowing] I couldn't have said it better, I gave him a smile.
If your ma ever hears you [talkin'] like that, she's gonna (no apostrophe)
["Damn,] Gary, ...
... as we approached[,] then [he] broke down into sobs.
[Others] just mumbled to each other ...
... though hot as hell, was the coldest one I've ever [experienced.]
Blessings, Pat
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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Dear Ricouard,
What a poignant story of friendship in youth.
I very quickly was caught up in the lives of these boys and you marched me through those lazy, hot days of summer. I could almost feel the chill of the water as they jumped in!
Your descriptive language during the police scene and the waiting around was very real, very believable. Good work.
You may wish to consider the following edits:
***
... like brothers ([who) had ...
Not necessary to put an apostrophe after kinda
Same with oughta
"I'm [friggin'] baking here.
[Knowing] I couldn't have said it better, I gave him a smile.
If your ma ever hears you [talkin'] like that, she's gonna (no apostrophe)
["Damn,] Gary, ...
... as we approached[,] then [he] broke down into sobs.
[Others] just mumbled to each other ...
... though hot as hell, was the coldest one I've ever [experienced.]
Blessings, Pat
Comment Written 25-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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Thank you for such a thorough review! I have gone in and fixed the errors you pointed out. I'm glad that you enjoyed this and took the time to read it.
G.D.Ricouard
Comment from kintesiegel
This is really a dramatic story that sends chills up my spine. The idea of seeing the police and the dead body is really amazing. That would stick with you all your life. well written.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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This is really a dramatic story that sends chills up my spine. The idea of seeing the police and the dead body is really amazing. That would stick with you all your life. well written.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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Hey, kintesiegel! I am so glad to see you stopped in to read this story :-) Your comments and reviews are always appreciated.
Comment from Dreamdancer
Wow...
My friend I wish that I had the six star to give. This was simply an incredible story and you captivated my from beginning to end. Awesome write and good luck with the contest... Dancing in Dreams
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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Wow...
My friend I wish that I had the six star to give. This was simply an incredible story and you captivated my from beginning to end. Awesome write and good luck with the contest... Dancing in Dreams
Comment Written 24-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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Thank you for the luck! I can use it..lol
Don't worry about the 6 stars... it's the thought that counts :-D
I'm so glad you enjoyed my story and, as always, it is wonderful to read your comments. You always make me smile!
Comment from The Nevermore Rabbit
That was certainly an interesting story! I was sort of able to guess where you were headed, but I kept telling myself that it might turn out differently. Currently I'm finishing up an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice, and you've got a good handle on how domestic violence cases can escalate. Good job with that (even though it's such a hard subject).
One little stylistic suggestion I have concerns the description of the boys you gave in the opening scene. While I enjoy having a mental impression of each character, my suggestion would be to try and incorporate the descriptions into the telling of the story itself. Let their actions and voices show your readers their characters instead of simply telling us about them. It's difficult and time consuming, but I think it might help the flow of the piece start at a faster pace.
Also, I believe I caught some spags:
"The day started like all the other's" -- "other's" isn't possessing anything, so it doesn't need the apostrophe
"Are we ever gonna' get there?" -- This particular use of an apostrophe showed up a couple of times in your writing. While it's try that "gonna" is a sort of condensed form of "going to", there aren't any words being directly deleted (as in "is not" to "isn't" where the apostrophe takes the place of the missing "o") so I don't believe you need the apostrophe.
"Yea" -- This is an Old English form of "yes". Don't forget the "h" at the end of "yeah"
"Gary, Jordan, and I, just grinned as we kept a silent tally" -- The comma after "I" isn't necessary
"The Darow's had a son" -- "Darow" isn't possessing anything, so it should be "The Darows"
"The boy's and I met later" -- Same as above, this is plural instead of possessive, so "The boys and I" is actually correct
One of my favorite lines in this piece was "His anger was the weapon with which he faced the world". I think it showed us a lot about the character, and it's great phrasing.
Overall, a good job! Good luck in the contest!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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That was certainly an interesting story! I was sort of able to guess where you were headed, but I kept telling myself that it might turn out differently. Currently I'm finishing up an undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice, and you've got a good handle on how domestic violence cases can escalate. Good job with that (even though it's such a hard subject).
One little stylistic suggestion I have concerns the description of the boys you gave in the opening scene. While I enjoy having a mental impression of each character, my suggestion would be to try and incorporate the descriptions into the telling of the story itself. Let their actions and voices show your readers their characters instead of simply telling us about them. It's difficult and time consuming, but I think it might help the flow of the piece start at a faster pace.
Also, I believe I caught some spags:
"The day started like all the other's" -- "other's" isn't possessing anything, so it doesn't need the apostrophe
"Are we ever gonna' get there?" -- This particular use of an apostrophe showed up a couple of times in your writing. While it's try that "gonna" is a sort of condensed form of "going to", there aren't any words being directly deleted (as in "is not" to "isn't" where the apostrophe takes the place of the missing "o") so I don't believe you need the apostrophe.
"Yea" -- This is an Old English form of "yes". Don't forget the "h" at the end of "yeah"
"Gary, Jordan, and I, just grinned as we kept a silent tally" -- The comma after "I" isn't necessary
"The Darow's had a son" -- "Darow" isn't possessing anything, so it should be "The Darows"
"The boy's and I met later" -- Same as above, this is plural instead of possessive, so "The boys and I" is actually correct
One of my favorite lines in this piece was "His anger was the weapon with which he faced the world". I think it showed us a lot about the character, and it's great phrasing.
Overall, a good job! Good luck in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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Thank you for your thorough review. I have gone in and fixed the mistakes, though I left the boys descriptions where they were. I started the story as a memory and then proceeded to tell what he remembered of that day. I'm sorry if it bothered you... we can't please everyone :-)
Anywho, I was hoping you might be willing to give it another read and make sure I got them all. I believe I did... but you never know.
Thanks again!
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Hello again! I have gone in and taken the descriptions of each boy and blended them into the story. I hope you will be willing to give it another read and let me know what you think. Thanks in advance... I do appreciate the time and effort :-D
Comment from AuroraBorealis
A very interesting and sad story.
You described each boy very well and the friendship that they shared. It reminded me of the movie "Lean on Me".
The tragic death of that boy's mother was not what I had expected, which was an enthralling surprise. Thinking the boys were just going to get into trouble, you managed to create a story far more interesting and grips the reader to continue reading.
The story focused on the boys and their friendship and the loss of that friendship due to what happened, so I thought it was good that you didn't run off about the tragedy. That would have had two separate focuses...you stayed on your initial track.
Very nicely written!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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A very interesting and sad story.
You described each boy very well and the friendship that they shared. It reminded me of the movie "Lean on Me".
The tragic death of that boy's mother was not what I had expected, which was an enthralling surprise. Thinking the boys were just going to get into trouble, you managed to create a story far more interesting and grips the reader to continue reading.
The story focused on the boys and their friendship and the loss of that friendship due to what happened, so I thought it was good that you didn't run off about the tragedy. That would have had two separate focuses...you stayed on your initial track.
Very nicely written!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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Thank you very much for your kind review! I'm glad I was able to give the tale the twist I wanted. And even more so that, because of it, I caught you off gaurd :-)
Thank you again for your time and the lovely review!
Comment from cjvaughn
Hi Ricouard,
This was one of the best stories I've read in a long time. You took us through the paces, lured us into the web, and slam dunked us.
Vivid descriptions, great characters, weaving in humor, honesty, and great writing.
I read through twice, if there was any SPAG, I missed it...
Favorite parts:
where one was lurking, you could usually find the rest of us... LOL
as she came down the drive brandishing her broom. LMAO
shouting and waving her hands, the curlers on her head bobbing crazily... great description...
Good luck on the contest, this was a perfect entry. CJ
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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Hi Ricouard,
This was one of the best stories I've read in a long time. You took us through the paces, lured us into the web, and slam dunked us.
Vivid descriptions, great characters, weaving in humor, honesty, and great writing.
I read through twice, if there was any SPAG, I missed it...
Favorite parts:
where one was lurking, you could usually find the rest of us... LOL
as she came down the drive brandishing her broom. LMAO
shouting and waving her hands, the curlers on her head bobbing crazily... great description...
Good luck on the contest, this was a perfect entry. CJ
Comment Written 24-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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LOL... I'm glad you were able to enjoy the humor. I figured the piece needed something bright to balance the end. I'm glad I was able to keep you fooled until close to the end. Means I didn't do too badly with the twist :-)
Thank you for the great comments, they were much appreciated, and for this wonderful review!
Comment from rivki1111
I haven't heard the word 'twerp' for ages...it brought back some not-so-nice memories of my older brothers...heheehehe If i remember rightly it was one of their endearing terms for 'moi' ....and i think i preferred it to 'runt', which was what I usually got. LOL
I loved your story, it reads with a lot of interest and you build the narrative carefull, with strong characters and an excellent story line....i noticed no mistakes, but grammar is not one of my strengths as a reveiwer...thanks for sharing your writing, and good luck with the competition, rivki
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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I haven't heard the word 'twerp' for ages...it brought back some not-so-nice memories of my older brothers...heheehehe If i remember rightly it was one of their endearing terms for 'moi' ....and i think i preferred it to 'runt', which was what I usually got. LOL
I loved your story, it reads with a lot of interest and you build the narrative carefull, with strong characters and an excellent story line....i noticed no mistakes, but grammar is not one of my strengths as a reveiwer...thanks for sharing your writing, and good luck with the competition, rivki
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2007
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Thank you for this humorous review! I, too, remember twerp as a word I used to refer to my brother. He was younger and a great pain in the butt. I loved him to death, but sometimes he was too much to handle.
I am glad that you enjoyed the story and I thank you for taking the time to read and review!
