Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Coldest Summer"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
39 total reviews
Comment from davidray
You really have a great storyline here, Riccouard. The only problem is your writing is a bit too slow. You use passive words throughout. This is only my opinion, but I'm sure you'll hear this more from some other worthy writers here. You have to show, not tell with your descriptions. Originally, I gave you a fiver, but I decided on a four star as I think, although your plot was very good, it just reads too slow. A lot of your sentences could be cut down. Having said this, there is plenty that is right with this. An ecellent story to be told. Here are a few examples for your consideration:
-Mrs. Morrison angry (an angry Mrs. Morris...)
-we all nodded our agreement (second sentence is a row where you used these exact words. Not necessary. You could just say 'Again, we were in agreement' or 'Once again, we agreed' ... or something like this, for interest sake.)
-There were other things there, but I was too sickened to read more. (Always try to refrain from repeating a word in a sentence. 'There' is used twice here)
-talked... there (
Always have a blank space before and after those dots)
Keep up the great work. This is easy five-star material with some editing. I'll check back later. :)
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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You really have a great storyline here, Riccouard. The only problem is your writing is a bit too slow. You use passive words throughout. This is only my opinion, but I'm sure you'll hear this more from some other worthy writers here. You have to show, not tell with your descriptions. Originally, I gave you a fiver, but I decided on a four star as I think, although your plot was very good, it just reads too slow. A lot of your sentences could be cut down. Having said this, there is plenty that is right with this. An ecellent story to be told. Here are a few examples for your consideration:
-Mrs. Morrison angry (an angry Mrs. Morris...)
-we all nodded our agreement (second sentence is a row where you used these exact words. Not necessary. You could just say 'Again, we were in agreement' or 'Once again, we agreed' ... or something like this, for interest sake.)
-There were other things there, but I was too sickened to read more. (Always try to refrain from repeating a word in a sentence. 'There' is used twice here)
-talked... there (
Always have a blank space before and after those dots)
Keep up the great work. This is easy five-star material with some editing. I'll check back later. :)
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Done, done, done, done, and done :-) Whew... took me all morning to accomplish!
Anywho, thank you for such a thorough review. I do hope you will give it another read... I'm sure you will find it more to your liking. Thanks again for taking the time to read and review!
Comment from Guy Anthony De Marco
Well edited, didn't catch any spags.
Quite a well-imaged coming-of-age story. I thought the dialogue was spot-on, and it 'sounded' like a bunch of kids. The story built up nicely, and the sudden turn of events were foreshadowed.
The conclusion made logical sense and flowed well. The final sentence drove the title of the story home.
Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Well edited, didn't catch any spags.
Quite a well-imaged coming-of-age story. I thought the dialogue was spot-on, and it 'sounded' like a bunch of kids. The story built up nicely, and the sudden turn of events were foreshadowed.
The conclusion made logical sense and flowed well. The final sentence drove the title of the story home.
Well done.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Hey Guy! Coming from you, that is quiet an honor! Thank you very much for the 6 star rating :-) You have given me a smile that stretches from ear to ear!
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and review my story :-D
Comment from Mylhibug
Such a tragic story , poor kid. I like how you have him reacting with guikt at not being there for his mom. Made the story very realistic and believable, unfortunately this type of stuff happens too much in the real world. Sad story, good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Such a tragic story , poor kid. I like how you have him reacting with guikt at not being there for his mom. Made the story very realistic and believable, unfortunately this type of stuff happens too much in the real world. Sad story, good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Thanks for the luck... I'll need it! I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to read and review my story :-)
Comment from Susan E. Pennycuff
This was very good
I wished I had caught this story from the beginning now
dang I hate that, now I got a mess to catch up on...lol
This was really believeable... I had to scroll back up to see if this was
fiction or non-fiction
well done dear
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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This was very good
I wished I had caught this story from the beginning now
dang I hate that, now I got a mess to catch up on...lol
This was really believeable... I had to scroll back up to see if this was
fiction or non-fiction
well done dear
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Hey there! It is always nice to see you stopping in to review :-) Your comments are highly appreciated!
Never fear! This is a stand alone story. The book is only a collection of short stories. Each chapter simply marks anothe story I added over time.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my work :-D
Comment from Karen Fay
Wow I wish I had 6 stars to give you I felt like I was there watching everything going on this is a terrific story well written enough description so it felt like I knew each boy and the area but no over kill God Bless.......Karen Fay
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Wow I wish I had 6 stars to give you I felt like I was there watching everything going on this is a terrific story well written enough description so it felt like I knew each boy and the area but no over kill God Bless.......Karen Fay
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Hey Karen! Nice to see you again :-) As for the 6... well, it is the thought that counts. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my work :-D
Comment from RenieReader
Ricouard: This is a superb coming of age story of youth and trials. Some are too bitter to handle for kids of that age--or any other. You have expressed those emotions, fun and dread, that often accompany of group of friends with different personalities and needs. Great job and good luck.
Suggestion:
He shot Gary a look that would have withered a turnip[,] then gave him a shove.
Renie
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Ricouard: This is a superb coming of age story of youth and trials. Some are too bitter to handle for kids of that age--or any other. You have expressed those emotions, fun and dread, that often accompany of group of friends with different personalities and needs. Great job and good luck.
Suggestion:
He shot Gary a look that would have withered a turnip[,] then gave him a shove.
Renie
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Hi, Renie... thank you so much for your wonderful comments! I have added the comma... it was an excellent suggestion... made the sentence flow so much better :-D Thanks for the luck as wel... I'll need it!
Comment from Moira's Amethyst
Hi Ricouard.
I think the this story is so attendant to detail and so well presented that I'm going to go ahead and rate it a five. Wonderfully written.
Best wishes~Kaff ~|: > )
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Hi Ricouard.
I think the this story is so attendant to detail and so well presented that I'm going to go ahead and rate it a five. Wonderfully written.
Best wishes~Kaff ~|: > )
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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Kaff Kaff! Always nice to hear from you :-) Thank you for the wonderful review. I appreciate your comments!
Comment from cassie99
There are few stories that are so well-written, thought out and presented that I am convinced that they deserve 6 stars, but this is one of them. It is real, painfully real and so believable. I think you have an excellent contest entry and a brilliant story. Thank you for sharing it. Chris
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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There are few stories that are so well-written, thought out and presented that I am convinced that they deserve 6 stars, but this is one of them. It is real, painfully real and so believable. I think you have an excellent contest entry and a brilliant story. Thank you for sharing it. Chris
Comment Written 26-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2007
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WOW, Chris! Thank you for such an awsome rating... I'm now grinning like a fool!
I'm so glad you found it to be such a believable story!
Comment from Kaladore
I thought that this was an excellent story. It had a very sad, dark ending but the message is very true and this was well-written. Great job.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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I thought that this was an excellent story. It had a very sad, dark ending but the message is very true and this was well-written. Great job.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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Thank you, Kaladore! I'm glad that you took the time to read and review my story :-)
Comment from Marjorie D.
Even MORE excellent, Ricouard! LOL The changed beginning makes a lot of difference. It gets you into the story much more quickly with just as much insight to the boys personalities. You've re-done it marvelously! Super job. I've very gladly upgraded the rating. If I'd have had a six to give, it would have been yours -- please, know that I think you deserved it.
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An excellent story, Ricouard! It was very enjoyable, although very tragic -- a coming-of-age story. It's very well-written. I began to think the boys would retaliate against the grumpy neighbor woman and it would turn out badly. The ending was a surprise.
As much as I enjoyed it, I felt it might be a wiser choice to find a way in your story to 'show' the personality of each boy rather than 'telling' the reader at the beginning. Something as simple as nicknames like 'Einstein' or something of that nature might do the trick. Their actions show their personalities. It could be brought out with a bit more emphasis.
...out do (outdo) the other;...
...as the lights beckoned us on. (Tighten by deleting 'on'; it's unnecessary.)
...murmuring words we couldn't make out while dragging him off the porch. (As is, this sounds as though it's the other kids dragging him off the porch. It needs reorganizing or rewording. e.g. ...while draggin him off the porch, they murmured words we couldn't make out.)
...inch our way to w(h)ere Dave was,...
We fidgeted around, passing the time by trying to figure out what was happening, until the arrival of an ambulance cut off all words; its lights silently bathing the houses as it parked alongside the police cars. (This is quite a long sentence. It would probably work better broken up. e.g. We fidgeted around, passing the time by trying to figure out what was happening. The arrival of an ambulance cut off all words(,) its lights silently bathing the houses as it parked alongside the police cars.)
He stood talking to the officers for a long while(,) then waved us over.
...in wide(-)eyed confusion as we approached(,) then broke down into sobs.
...a thirteen(-)year(-)old kid...
His anger was the weapon with which he faced the world(,) the thing that kept him going when the world laid him flat.
We watched as he drove Dave away then quietly wandered home(,) none of us speaking to the other(,) lost in our own bewildered thoughts. (Semicolons are used to join independent clauses. An independent clause can make sense read alone. That's not the case here. The comma is a better choice in this instance.)
...one David Darow aged (age) thirteen,...
Dave had been the glue that kept us all together(,) his rough and tough attitude being the mask that hid the kind boy we all knew was under it.
It's a terrific entry, Ricouard. Best of luck!
Marjorie
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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Even MORE excellent, Ricouard! LOL The changed beginning makes a lot of difference. It gets you into the story much more quickly with just as much insight to the boys personalities. You've re-done it marvelously! Super job. I've very gladly upgraded the rating. If I'd have had a six to give, it would have been yours -- please, know that I think you deserved it.
***********************************************************************************************
An excellent story, Ricouard! It was very enjoyable, although very tragic -- a coming-of-age story. It's very well-written. I began to think the boys would retaliate against the grumpy neighbor woman and it would turn out badly. The ending was a surprise.
As much as I enjoyed it, I felt it might be a wiser choice to find a way in your story to 'show' the personality of each boy rather than 'telling' the reader at the beginning. Something as simple as nicknames like 'Einstein' or something of that nature might do the trick. Their actions show their personalities. It could be brought out with a bit more emphasis.
...out do (outdo) the other;...
...as the lights beckoned us on. (Tighten by deleting 'on'; it's unnecessary.)
...murmuring words we couldn't make out while dragging him off the porch. (As is, this sounds as though it's the other kids dragging him off the porch. It needs reorganizing or rewording. e.g. ...while draggin him off the porch, they murmured words we couldn't make out.)
...inch our way to w(h)ere Dave was,...
We fidgeted around, passing the time by trying to figure out what was happening, until the arrival of an ambulance cut off all words; its lights silently bathing the houses as it parked alongside the police cars. (This is quite a long sentence. It would probably work better broken up. e.g. We fidgeted around, passing the time by trying to figure out what was happening. The arrival of an ambulance cut off all words(,) its lights silently bathing the houses as it parked alongside the police cars.)
He stood talking to the officers for a long while(,) then waved us over.
...in wide(-)eyed confusion as we approached(,) then broke down into sobs.
...a thirteen(-)year(-)old kid...
His anger was the weapon with which he faced the world(,) the thing that kept him going when the world laid him flat.
We watched as he drove Dave away then quietly wandered home(,) none of us speaking to the other(,) lost in our own bewildered thoughts. (Semicolons are used to join independent clauses. An independent clause can make sense read alone. That's not the case here. The comma is a better choice in this instance.)
...one David Darow aged (age) thirteen,...
Dave had been the glue that kept us all together(,) his rough and tough attitude being the mask that hid the kind boy we all knew was under it.
It's a terrific entry, Ricouard. Best of luck!
Marjorie
Comment Written 25-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2007
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I have fixed all the punctuation problems. The other one is a bit harder. I am slowly reworking it in word and editing as I go. Perhaps you'll be willing to give it another read when I am done. Thank you for such a thorough review.
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Absolutely, Ricouard! Give me a headsup when it's ready, okay?
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It's all ready now... I spent all morning tweaking it. I appreciate that you are willing to give it another read. I believe you will find it much more to your liking :-)
Thanks so much!
