Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Coldest Summer"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
39 total reviews
Comment from Scaramouche
Excellent story. I thought at first this was something you had actually lived through. Then I checked your profile and found you are a female. Scratch theory number one! Loved Gary pushing his glasses up with his middle finger.
Good luck in the contest. I think you have a contender here. We shall see in a few days!
Scaramouche
  |
Excellent story. I thought at first this was something you had actually lived through. Then I checked your profile and found you are a female. Scratch theory number one! Loved Gary pushing his glasses up with his middle finger.
Good luck in the contest. I think you have a contender here. We shall see in a few days!
Scaramouche
Comment Written 31-Jul-2007
Comment from Pit Bull Mom
Sad, poignant story, Ricouard. It had a very "Lean on Me" feel to it. The ending was perfectly executed and I felt as if I were there, feeling their pain and worry for their friend. Nothing not to like is this wonderfully executed story. The final lines were perfect.
Wonderful story. Good luck in the contest.
Heather
|
Sad, poignant story, Ricouard. It had a very "Lean on Me" feel to it. The ending was perfectly executed and I felt as if I were there, feeling their pain and worry for their friend. Nothing not to like is this wonderfully executed story. The final lines were perfect.
Wonderful story. Good luck in the contest.
Heather
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from rhymer1
Your narrative and dialog are spot on here and the bio-vignette has classic form and flow. The content, one of the aspects of coming of age we all ultimate,y experience, though soem much later in life. Slainte, rhymer1
|
Your narrative and dialog are spot on here and the bio-vignette has classic form and flow. The content, one of the aspects of coming of age we all ultimate,y experience, though soem much later in life. Slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from bestpi
A most unfortunate event but one that was all too common and played out in more than just your neighborhood I assure you. I hope that with the advent of the internet that you have tried to find them all again, including Dave and form a get together. Maybe at a bar near that old swimming hole which is probably now a shopping mall.
Only one line needed work from the readers view:
Most of the time we tried to ignore her, especially the parents she called to complain to,
This line does not make a lot of sense. Other than that it is a great read and your ear flowers were spectacular. I think I'll go grab a nice icy cold orange drink right now.
Best wishes
John
|
A most unfortunate event but one that was all too common and played out in more than just your neighborhood I assure you. I hope that with the advent of the internet that you have tried to find them all again, including Dave and form a get together. Maybe at a bar near that old swimming hole which is probably now a shopping mall.
Only one line needed work from the readers view:
Most of the time we tried to ignore her, especially the parents she called to complain to,
This line does not make a lot of sense. Other than that it is a great read and your ear flowers were spectacular. I think I'll go grab a nice icy cold orange drink right now.
Best wishes
John
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from Ima Humanbean
I swear, if I had a six star rating it would most certainly be yours.Loved the way you told this story. There was no spag that I noticed so, 5 stars.
|
I swear, if I had a six star rating it would most certainly be yours.Loved the way you told this story. There was no spag that I noticed so, 5 stars.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2007
Comment from Dave M
Ricouard,
This is an excellent story, and it should do well in the contest.
I found a handful of nits:
"I can't [couldn't] stand her, but I sure wanted to keep my hide in tact [intact (one word)]."
"I'm friggen' baking here." I've never seen the word in a dictionary, but I've always seen it spelled "friggin'."
"Why do you always have to use that word?" Gary grumbled with a sideways glance that showed his disapproval." I think you should take out the last four words, "that showed his disapproval." You've done a good job of showing that Gary would disapprove of such a word, and you don't need to tell it.
OW, this is an excellent story, "a day like all days."
Dave M
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
|
Ricouard,
This is an excellent story, and it should do well in the contest.
I found a handful of nits:
"I can't [couldn't] stand her, but I sure wanted to keep my hide in tact [intact (one word)]."
"I'm friggen' baking here." I've never seen the word in a dictionary, but I've always seen it spelled "friggin'."
"Why do you always have to use that word?" Gary grumbled with a sideways glance that showed his disapproval." I think you should take out the last four words, "that showed his disapproval." You've done a good job of showing that Gary would disapprove of such a word, and you don't need to tell it.
OW, this is an excellent story, "a day like all days."
Dave M
Comment Written 27-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
-
It already says couldn't :-/
As for the rest... FIXED! Thank you for the catch. I appreciate your comments and the wonderful review. Thank you for reading :-D
Comment from brunettdream
This is a great life changing story
I loved it!
The thoughts behind it really brought together an interesting story. Wonderful job
Keep up the writing
No spags or mistakes to be name
Great job!
~Brunettdream~
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
|
This is a great life changing story
I loved it!
The thoughts behind it really brought together an interesting story. Wonderful job
Keep up the writing
No spags or mistakes to be name
Great job!
~Brunettdream~
Comment Written 27-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
-
Thank you very much! I am glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks for taking the time to read and revies ;-D
Comment from venusanblue
This is a very good story. I felt as though I were actually there. The story has a very good visual. I loved the boys all best friends together, I felt sad when they drifted apart after the terrible tragedy. Its funny in friendships,there is always one who holds everyone together. Brilliant. V,xx
|
This is a very good story. I felt as though I were actually there. The story has a very good visual. I loved the boys all best friends together, I felt sad when they drifted apart after the terrible tragedy. Its funny in friendships,there is always one who holds everyone together. Brilliant. V,xx
Comment Written 27-Jul-2007
Comment from bigloml
Are you a Stephen King fan, Ricouard? To me, this story has the best elements of "Stand By Me" and "It". You've done a superb job of detailing the camaraderie of boys/young men and those candy-sweet days of childhood - especially those summer days! Your storyline is superb and flows smoothly, making this a real pleasure to read. Then, of course, there's the sudden impact of those wonderful days being blown away in an instant as the grown-up world comes and takes them as its own. Wow! This is terrific stuff, Ricouard! It as impressed me enough to bookcase the rest of the chapters so I can read them when I get the time. Bravo, kudos, etc, etc!!
bigloml
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
 |
Are you a Stephen King fan, Ricouard? To me, this story has the best elements of "Stand By Me" and "It". You've done a superb job of detailing the camaraderie of boys/young men and those candy-sweet days of childhood - especially those summer days! Your storyline is superb and flows smoothly, making this a real pleasure to read. Then, of course, there's the sudden impact of those wonderful days being blown away in an instant as the grown-up world comes and takes them as its own. Wow! This is terrific stuff, Ricouard! It as impressed me enough to bookcase the rest of the chapters so I can read them when I get the time. Bravo, kudos, etc, etc!!
bigloml
Comment Written 27-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2007
-
I am a very big fan of Stephen King! I have read every book he ever published and relished his twisted perceptions on the mundane :-)
To have my work likened to anything he has written is a great honor... I thank you for bestowing it on me!
And the six stars? OMG... thank you, thank you, thank you! I am so pleased that you felt it deserved such an outstanding rating :-D
The chapters previous to this are all different short stories. If you bookmarked this, and really wish to read more of my work, might I suggest: Marks Of The Beast and Do You Believe. I have many others, but I believe those to be the best. They are both horror/thriller.
Again, thank you so very much for the awsome rating and taking the time to read and review my story! :-D Have a wonderful day!
Comment from OneGirl
Dear Ricouard,
This was excellent in every way! I truly wonderful and enjoyable read. The friendship described between the boys was great and i am sure many can realte that to their childhood, at least I hope so. Describing why each of the boys felt they needed Dave and why they drifted apart really made the story. Very good job!
-OneGirl- : )
|
Dear Ricouard,
This was excellent in every way! I truly wonderful and enjoyable read. The friendship described between the boys was great and i am sure many can realte that to their childhood, at least I hope so. Describing why each of the boys felt they needed Dave and why they drifted apart really made the story. Very good job!
-OneGirl- : )
Comment Written 27-Jul-2007
