Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Marks of the Beast"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
19 total reviews
Comment from poeticcat2003
Congratulations on your win! Wow, when I read your story, I was humbled by mine.. this is fabulous! Such a grand piece. Congratulations, again.
Cathy
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2007
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Congratulations on your win! Wow, when I read your story, I was humbled by mine.. this is fabulous! Such a grand piece. Congratulations, again.
Cathy
Comment Written 09-Sep-2007
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2007
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Thank you very much! I was glad to place at all...lol. I went and read your story... WOW. I loved the beginning. You did such a great job of grabbing me and pulling me along. Congrats to you for placing 1st! :-D
Gwynn
Comment from mtngalofnc
Excellent writing! I was glued to every word. My minds eye was captive to each scene. Your sentence structure in each paragraph was very well written. Amazing! Good luck with any future articles, and I certainly hope there will be more.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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Excellent writing! I was glued to every word. My minds eye was captive to each scene. Your sentence structure in each paragraph was very well written. Amazing! Good luck with any future articles, and I certainly hope there will be more.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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There will always be more :-) A writer can't help but write when it is what they live for! I am so glad that you enjoyed this so much and that you took the time to read and review my work.
Comment from wirenut
Ricouard
great skill you have, stanford paid-off, my first thought as I became absorbed in your skill was Revelations, updated to this century. I didn't need to check the book and ideas cannot be plagierized only the order of words. It is obvious to anyone that you have no need to take the order of words in the portions that didn't come from Revelations. your reading skill, demonstrates you understood the book well enough to dance freely about its thoughts and ideas and create something unique out of it.
and ... what is it that you need to polish in your skill?
good writing.
Rick
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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Ricouard
great skill you have, stanford paid-off, my first thought as I became absorbed in your skill was Revelations, updated to this century. I didn't need to check the book and ideas cannot be plagierized only the order of words. It is obvious to anyone that you have no need to take the order of words in the portions that didn't come from Revelations. your reading skill, demonstrates you understood the book well enough to dance freely about its thoughts and ideas and create something unique out of it.
and ... what is it that you need to polish in your skill?
good writing.
Rick
Comment Written 09-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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A writer ALWAYS needs to polish their skill, no matter how good they may become, they can always become better. :-) But I thank you for such a vote of confidence... makes my whole day- lol
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it also reminded me of governor Arnold's movie End of Days
truly a great write, congrats.
rick
Comment from Pat Mohr
Dear Ricouard,
I am most certainly at a loss as to what to say about your work, except it is genius! I started out reading this story as perhaps a description of the wonder of a total eclipse, even though the title is "Marks of the Beast."
As a Christian, the title intrigued me. The body of the work is just over the top! Your descriptive language is as well. Among many of the phrases that just blew me away was the wonderful imagery in "the ground below them rupturing in a satisfied belch of flame."
I could go on and on, but you get the message, right? Great work!
Now, having said that, there are a number of edits I would suggest. I gave you five stars because you deserve them, but you may consider the following:
***
... then there's the real thing. [The hell we heard about as we were growing up.]
Whether you [scoffed or trembled], I assure ...
... to see it [first-hand] is a sobering experience.
... suddenly ceased as [protective glasses of solar viewers] were raised.
The first [tremors] were barely felt.
The next [tremors] echoed up ...
... pipes, securely placed and carefully maintained, ruptured, sending great [bursts] of flame skyward.
Gout is an inflammation of the big toe.
People [scurried] vainly in all directions, their screams [bouncing off the buildings in loud echoes.]
... rained down like diamonds and buildings [quivered]
... as children [disappeared] from sight, ...
... disorder reigned as I [groped] with the ...
... severed limb dropped from [my] nerveless fingers.
It was the realization [that] it could have been me ...
From the [desecration] there came ...
... and steamed as [they] struck the ground.
... bleakly after them, something [else] came ...
... rose in fiery splendor from the [creature's] back.
... with surprising strength, and [I] darted into the men's room.
... their existence[--]rocking, rocking ...
... they reverberated against the walls around me [piercing my heart and soul], ...
... cruel fate that insisted [on torturing me], tears ...
What [mattered--was the world being rocked to its very foundations?]
... sent me scurrying away, ghostly [laughter] clawing ...
... all light and mighty [tremors] still shook ...
... specifics of what needed [to be] done ...
[Subconsciously], I suppose it knew
Of the survivors [who] made it through the initial crush, only a handful [remain.]
... and it seems that many welcome [its] embrace.
Blessings, Pat
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2007
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Dear Ricouard,
I am most certainly at a loss as to what to say about your work, except it is genius! I started out reading this story as perhaps a description of the wonder of a total eclipse, even though the title is "Marks of the Beast."
As a Christian, the title intrigued me. The body of the work is just over the top! Your descriptive language is as well. Among many of the phrases that just blew me away was the wonderful imagery in "the ground below them rupturing in a satisfied belch of flame."
I could go on and on, but you get the message, right? Great work!
Now, having said that, there are a number of edits I would suggest. I gave you five stars because you deserve them, but you may consider the following:
***
... then there's the real thing. [The hell we heard about as we were growing up.]
Whether you [scoffed or trembled], I assure ...
... to see it [first-hand] is a sobering experience.
... suddenly ceased as [protective glasses of solar viewers] were raised.
The first [tremors] were barely felt.
The next [tremors] echoed up ...
... pipes, securely placed and carefully maintained, ruptured, sending great [bursts] of flame skyward.
Gout is an inflammation of the big toe.
People [scurried] vainly in all directions, their screams [bouncing off the buildings in loud echoes.]
... rained down like diamonds and buildings [quivered]
... as children [disappeared] from sight, ...
... disorder reigned as I [groped] with the ...
... severed limb dropped from [my] nerveless fingers.
It was the realization [that] it could have been me ...
From the [desecration] there came ...
... and steamed as [they] struck the ground.
... bleakly after them, something [else] came ...
... rose in fiery splendor from the [creature's] back.
... with surprising strength, and [I] darted into the men's room.
... their existence[--]rocking, rocking ...
... they reverberated against the walls around me [piercing my heart and soul], ...
... cruel fate that insisted [on torturing me], tears ...
What [mattered--was the world being rocked to its very foundations?]
... sent me scurrying away, ghostly [laughter] clawing ...
... all light and mighty [tremors] still shook ...
... specifics of what needed [to be] done ...
[Subconsciously], I suppose it knew
Of the survivors [who] made it through the initial crush, only a handful [remain.]
... and it seems that many welcome [its] embrace.
Blessings, Pat
Comment Written 06-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2007
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lol...(Gout is an inflammation of the big toe) I will most definately go in and look over what you have suggested. Though I struggled to find ways to say what I meant without repetition, you seem to have found words I hadn't considered. Thank you for all your help and taking the time to read my story!
Comment from a1940sFan
An excellent and thoughtful depiction of the apocalypse with all its horrors brought to life indeed. Your descriptions are horrifically beautiful in their vividness of what our end could be. Makes one hope that if this is indeed how it's to be, being taken out at the first go round would be a blessing.
Only nitpicking I can do is a nit indeed:
...shoving away an old lady that clutched at me...I believe this should be who clutched at me.
I think there was maybe one other tiny thing, but it has escaped me.
In any event, these in no way detracted from your exquisite detailing of our demise.
Nice work.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2007
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An excellent and thoughtful depiction of the apocalypse with all its horrors brought to life indeed. Your descriptions are horrifically beautiful in their vividness of what our end could be. Makes one hope that if this is indeed how it's to be, being taken out at the first go round would be a blessing.
Only nitpicking I can do is a nit indeed:
...shoving away an old lady that clutched at me...I believe this should be who clutched at me.
I think there was maybe one other tiny thing, but it has escaped me.
In any event, these in no way detracted from your exquisite detailing of our demise.
Nice work.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2007
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Ahhhh.... you're right, of course. I will go in and fix that! Thank you for taking the time to read and review my work. Your comments are appreciated and brought a smile to my day! Thanks again... G
Comment from driven
Good story here, Ricouard. Very good detail to the environment, adjective rich, and filled with a sense of doom. Woefully delicious for the story, though I wonder if the protagonist would really feel anger towards God after seeing what he did, since he would realize his plight. I enjoyed this one very much!
Beelzebub, Abaddon, Apollyon, Satan, Lucifer> not synonyms or alternate names for the same being
NOT Plagiarised myself in any way> Is it possible to plagiarise yourself?
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2007
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Good story here, Ricouard. Very good detail to the environment, adjective rich, and filled with a sense of doom. Woefully delicious for the story, though I wonder if the protagonist would really feel anger towards God after seeing what he did, since he would realize his plight. I enjoyed this one very much!
Beelzebub, Abaddon, Apollyon, Satan, Lucifer> not synonyms or alternate names for the same being
NOT Plagiarised myself in any way> Is it possible to plagiarise yourself?
Comment Written 04-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2007
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HA... You know what? I never even caught the fact that I used an s instead of a z. Thanks for pointing that out... now I can go fix it :-P
I don't know if HE would or not... but I know that I feel anger towards God over the cruelties I witness everyday. I would think there aren't many that, like Job, could watch their lives destroyed and NOT curse God. I simply incorporated the thoughts and feelings I might have if forced to watch the destruction of innocent lives.
Anywho.... Thank you for taking the time to read and review my work. It is ALWAYS appreciated :-)
Comment from damevictoria
This was extremely well written; I found the beginning to be almost perfect; didn't spot any obvious errors; and the story line captivated me; I'll leave the grammar mistakes if any to the experts; thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2007
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This was extremely well written; I found the beginning to be almost perfect; didn't spot any obvious errors; and the story line captivated me; I'll leave the grammar mistakes if any to the experts; thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2007
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Thank you for such an excellent review! I'm glad to hear that you were captivated. As a writer, I think that is the end we all strive to accomplish :-)
Comment from auspicious76
WOW... this is great! destruction, meyhem...death, grief.... you've got it all and in such stunning detail! Hats off to you :-) I noticed you entered this in a contest.... I don't think you need luck. I think you've got it bagged!
Now I'gonna go read something funny... I gotta get rid of the chills!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2007
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WOW... this is great! destruction, meyhem...death, grief.... you've got it all and in such stunning detail! Hats off to you :-) I noticed you entered this in a contest.... I don't think you need luck. I think you've got it bagged!
Now I'gonna go read something funny... I gotta get rid of the chills!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2007
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am so glad you enjoyed this and I am more than happy to leave you with chills! :-D Means I did my job.... Again, thank you. I appreciate you stopping by to light the day with lovely stars :-)
Comment from Peterchrd
Horrifying detail and very well thought out. It says on the bottom that you used the bible as a reference point? If this is the hell that's described, I think I'll go back to church! lol
I wish you luck in the contest... I think you have a winner here!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2007
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Horrifying detail and very well thought out. It says on the bottom that you used the bible as a reference point? If this is the hell that's described, I think I'll go back to church! lol
I wish you luck in the contest... I think you have a winner here!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2007
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Thank you very much for taking the time to stop by and read my work! I'm glad you enjoyed it :-D
Comment from mmichelle97219
This is a very gripping read, and I can tell a lot of yourself and hard work went into perfecting it. Now I must admit that I didn't notice any SPAG but that was because I was too wrapped up in the story so from me you will get a pass. I thought this is intelligent, well written, and would pass in a mass market promotion. Very well done.
Michelle
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2007
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This is a very gripping read, and I can tell a lot of yourself and hard work went into perfecting it. Now I must admit that I didn't notice any SPAG but that was because I was too wrapped up in the story so from me you will get a pass. I thought this is intelligent, well written, and would pass in a mass market promotion. Very well done.
Michelle
Comment Written 03-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2007
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Thank you very much for your great review! I'm glad to hear that the story was able to capture you the way it did. Yes, I spent days writing it.. and hour upon hour bleeding over the edits and re-drafts. I am so glad that my hard work has not gone unnoticed. Thank you again for stopping in and reading over my story :-P
